heavy hawa

the last past week was weird. i went through so many upheavels, downturns, emotional roller-coaster rides (i used to love roller coasters, but now they make me sick and leave me with a headache) that i should feel washed off, de-toxified right now. but i don’t. i feel .. tired .. physically. there are so many things that are so easily capable of clasping your heart, and wrenching it dry of all blood, life, in a very literal and physical sense, do just that. and you can’t really do much but cringe, cry, whine … so on and so forth. and then you just practice deep breathing so as not to let it affect your circulatory system. but somehow, somewhere in time, those hard controlled breaths turn into sobs again, first softer, then harder, and then so violent, that you don’t know anymore if you are really crying or just laughing hysterically.

asking yourself ‘why?’ always helps. and then aswering that its pointless almost always makes you (me) stop .. for a while. after that if you (I) still go on sobbing, its purely for pleasure .. no specific reason at all.

i killed a mosquito today in the morning, sitting on the pot. actually the thoughlessness of the act moved me. it was so instinctive .. a reflex ..

a mosquito
came around
serenading
singing me a song
with a thwat
without a thought
i killed it
and let it fall to the ground

5:15 pm

i was going through john abraham’s site, and saw this line, “at a party, a woman was pleasantly lewd enough to metion that I filled up my jeans quite nicely.” in the 2nd paragraph.

i have said that to a lot of guys (ok, just a couple). but its not lewd of a woman to say that. when a woman says it, its only out of genuine appreciation and/or affection. it should be taken as a kind compliment. its lewd and vulgar only if a guy says it. cos (most) guys have nothing but dirty sex in mind (most of the times). i say dirty sex as there is a good, divine form of sex also.

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4 Responses to heavy hawa

  1. tyron says:

    well mosquitos r the enemy…kill them or they will u..n i doubt they give a second thot when infecting people with malaria or dengue.u werent thotless just insticintive…is ur turmoil of the last week to do with dino, ur sm ex(does sm stand for sado masochist?)or ur baby?

  2. jaggu says:

    dino? if he could affect me to this extent, he would be in my pocket right now. :)

    no. the turmoil was due to myself, for feeling things i have no business feeling .. for not growing up, for doubting, and somewhere knowing that maybe i never will .. grow up. heeheehee!!! and no, Sm does not stand for sado-masochistic, though it sounds good. hehehe!! Sm is my ex .. the daddy who donated the sperm. :) .. and i am thankful for that. thanks Sm. :)

    and Ty, just as a fodder for some thought, mosquitoes do not really ‘mean’ to infect. its in their nature to, hence they do. we kill them, and at some level its ok to kill them as they harm us. but again at some level, it is a death caused, which i felt deserved some thought, at least. hmmm? though i am the biggest hypocrite of all to be saying this, as i enjoy eating meat, and the only thought running in my mind while stuffing my face with a juicy bit of a well done steak is ‘yum, yum’. i used to be a vegetarian. i pray that i become one again. amen!

  3. twigy says:

    maybe ur supressing ur feelngs for sm….ie:the james blunt entry??!! maybe that could be the reason y uv been battling with such intense emotions.mayb ex xing things is the key….if u can c thru the keyhole tht is…hey im getin 2 be a regular here….:)ur blog is unusual and interesting for sure

  4. jaggu says:

    hey twigy. no, supression is alien to me. though i still have loads of affection for Sm, i in no way feel anything i shouldn’t be feeling for him. not anymore. besides, i love my life the way it is. i love being single. i have a child, a job. i really can’t handle a “relationship” right now. so i don’t even miss having someone in my life. the james blunt entry was just that, nothing but just a passing thought, which brings nothing but a smile to my face. its a nice song don’t you agree. the intense emotions had a strong reason, a legitimate reason, a very personal reason. a reason i personally wouldn’t mind sharing, but it involves someone else’s life as well, that i have no right to make public. and hence .. i just need to learn, or rather get used to keeping my emotions under control. i am a rather melodramatic person .. pathetically so. :)

    and thanks for the nice comment on my site. its nice to have a regular .. as long as one doesn’t get used to it. one should’nt get used to anything, i feel. you have a blog twigy?

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