wake up at 6 am.. :)

have got to, got to, got to get up at 6 am on monday…just got to…please help me God..

enlightenment is a much used and abused term. a lot like love. :) love too seems so hard (sometimes it should be ;), but is so simple, to come, to give, to share, to misunderstand, and misuse.

initially, determination helps. you just decide on certain behavioral patterns, that are you, that emit positiveness, for you and for those around, and then stick to those decisions, those behaviors. for example, something as simple as smiling, at everyone (no, you won’t look like a fool). not losing your temper easily–there are various strategies that you can follow. think of your days as a labyrinth. you have to find your way to happiness. make that your goal. finding happiness in a most economical, highly productive, most effective way. like how armies find the exact height from which a bomb is thrown so it causes maximum damage. you have to do the exact opposite.

“People assume that eating right, meditating right, or some other discipline or spiritual path will lead to enlightenment. But what if enlightenment means recognizing that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to become? What if the belief that we have some missing pieces is incorrect? What if we are already the person we are seeking to become? Being as we are, however we are, in each moment.” ~ Nithya Shanti

very true words by Nithya Shanti, this person I follow in facebook. but, there’s a catch, i feel, as always. it takes a lot, maybe a lot less if one just gives up (or in), to reach that state where you can enter each moment and say, hey, pass however you wish to pass. i’d thought on elaborating on these words. but right now all i can think of is whether i should have an aloo gobi sandwich (whole-wheat bread with mayonnaise n cheese), or top ramen will aloo gobi. :( tut!! i shouldn’t be having anything. as usual, i had a healthy dinner and brushed my teeth, for the night.

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hmmm…! had both. top ramen and 1.5 slices of bread with aloo gobi. hmmm…

anyways. yes. the moment. like nithya says, the moment, and living in it (though that little phrase has got a lot of content to it) is mostly what’s its all about. and the “effort” is all about reaching that state-of-being, which everyone cribs and whines is very hard. though it is the easiest thing ever; not that i’ve managed it; far from it :). (someone recently told me that my heart and my center, can’t remember which, or the heart center and some other center, are not aligned, or some such. and i said, o well, let me keep one of them happy and went and got some ice-cream. can’t seem to be able to do much else till the time divine helps drops like poop from the universe’s ass.) most times it’s just a realization. ummm…somewhat closely connected to instinct, the gut-feel. i know the words are all coming out wrong. well, let me puke them all out and see if there is some organization possible then. like when you learn how to ride a bicycle. initially, it seems strange, almost impossible how two slender wheels can stay upright. but once you learn to get that balance, it all becomes a part of your extended body. you just know when you sit on it then, and the balance comes.

in this world full of pretenses, we want to pretend too. we don’t want anyone to know, to think, that we can’t afford a car, a couch, a membership, that dress. we don’t want people to look at the oodles of fat and sneer and talk. who are those people, why does their opinion matter? this, this crazy horde starts at childhood, when kids want to have that toy because he/she also has it. maybe they see their parents doing the same and it gets ingrained in their heads that that is the only way you will succeed in life. by pretending, by following, by hording. and without that success there will be no happiness, no peace. only gloom and darkness. a lonely place where no one knows about you, your existence.

it is a lot of work; and then again, hardly any. peeling off the layers of dust that has been settling for centuries now, on our minds, our hearts, our psyches; and “realizing” the “self”, and then realizing that there isn’t any. some people kill themselves out of depression when they realize that it doesn’t really matter, that nothing matters, then why the hell. and then there are people who go, woohooo!! :)

that happiness is the key. it’s as simple as that. like love. it is the simplest thing in this world, yet, we humans manage to complicate it so much. so much that it’s ridiculous. love, is happiness, is god. who cares about enlightenment.

happiness is not an illusion. it’s rock solid. you are sitting with your back resting on it, crying your heart out. turn around, feel it, touch it, it will flow into you.

all that food has made me sleepy. maybe tomorrow i’ll be able to think clearly…

in my last post, i also wanted to put in my thoughts on how/why relationships (at least some of them) turn out the way they do. forgot. so i’ll just make a new post of it; while my top ramen noodles loosen in the boiling waters and get cooked. i love almost raw chopped onion in my 2/3-min noodles. about relationships, well, i am not able to find the right words to start. let me gather my thoughts…hmmm…

(after about .5 hr)

finished the noodles off with a bowl full of chholey and signed it off with a yum peanut butter and black grape (very sweet) “preserve” cracker sandwich . hmmm…all this after i had brushed my teeth for the night. my in-the-middle-of-the-night snacking (more like full-on eating) is back. need to seriously do something about it. when i was growing up, (i still am actually, trying to at least) i remember, i used to make pizzas and footlongs, yes, in the middle of the night and gobble them up..down. those were the days.

about relationships…hmmm. there’s a whole lot of jumble of thoughts in my head, unsorted words and broken sentences. let me try and put them in some order.

when a girl and a guy meet, for the first time, say, a first date; most times, they don’t enjoy the moment. esp the girl’s mind (almost) always has the future in mind. so it might be a good idea to forget the past and not think/worry about the future and just let loose. if it means having sex; well, then, nothing sounds better i’d say. having sex on a first date, brings a lot of clarity, about possibilities between two people. whether, or not, a next step is a good idea, is easier to judge, is what i think. though it is not wholly necessary for sex to be a part of it. maybe what i am trying to get at is that it is important to be truly oneself. and most times guys are, or rather would be very glad, if it ends up in a physical something of some sorts. if they reserve (or preserve) to see what happens next; a lot of times, the build-up, the anticipation takes over what is real, what actually is. and mostly since the guy is hoping to get sex, he would be all nice and sweet, instead of being who/what he truly is, for the next gazillion dates. he will make himself to be what the girl wants him to be; and vice versa, the girl expecting, or hoping for, a committment of some sort from the guy. and since, it’s not easy, girls coming by, and since this girl has comy by, and that thinking goes both ways, till a certain (pre-set) milestone has been reached, both parties will work towards, and do anything, to make a society-embossed fantasy happen. and by the time sex does happen, they are sort of a couple, and everything is taken in the stride, of sorts. and then they are more like, pressured into being together. when in reality, the two should have just been themsleves all the time, gauging then if they can co-exist peacefully; sex, of course being a (big?) part of that co-existence. hmmm?

again, on a completely different note, guys get bewildered when asked, directly and quite unceremoniously, if they want to have sex. i guess sex without some kinds of strings attached is not considered safe; it’s just the way we have been brought up. no one wants to take that kind of a chance. but what kind of a chance? it is not a “chance”, or a risk. sometimes, it’s an activity two individuals indulge in, and then duly forget about it in the course of time. like you go to a nice eatery, have a sandwich, and that’s that… i’ve never tried asking a girl that; i guess the reactions could be violent..heeheehee!! :D

now i am not advocating that you say ‘yes’ everytime someone asks you for sex. of course you need to ensure that that is not a psycho/pervert/some sicko standing in front of you. just weigh pros and cons, and just be a little open about everything in life.. :)

i am not exactly sure what brought on this bevy of emotions this weekend; maybe how the weekend started. people, in your life, bring along expectations, in you. and we know what all that entails. so maybe it’s not all that bad, to have a (defence, if you like to call it that) mechanism in place, to ensure that peace prevails. or maybe it’s just cos i have been sick for so many days now that i am feeling morose. sometimes i wonder (and sometimes i am sure) if there is an external force, put in tightly in place, just to sap my energy, make me fall ill. or maybe there’s something in hyderabad. the hyderabad vibe, it’s aura. my destiny has brought me here to…to gain something, or maybe to lose something. maybe this is what will cause my body to perish; ye hyderabad kee hawa.

on another note, yes, i am a very clingy person. bad girl-friend. i’d wanna always call, every other hour (if i have nothing better to do that is :)). once in love, i am always in love, every moment. and not your universal, true kinda love. but very puppy, immature, silly, ridiculous. :) hmmm…i really need to work on that…i need a volunteer, to fall in love with, to see how i am doing; preferably male. :)

in india, marriage is more of legalized prostitution, nay, slave trade. the metropolitan cities are but a very tiny, small part of india, and in these very seemingly modern cities too, women are mostly exploited, and live in bad physical/mental conditions. sul, our nice home-caretaker just told me earlier in the evening how her brother, whose wife recently died, is getting his son married cos they need someone to cook and clean. heeheheehee!! honestly, it’s not funny. far, far, very far from it. hmmmm….

i’ll give you food and shelter and you, in return, give me your life. worse than that. you give me your identity, your freedom, your right for speech, your freedom. i shudder to even think. spending one’s entire life, not being able to do, even say what you want to say. and that exactly is the reality of so many women in these parts of the world. there, that accounts for so much bad that there is in this world. so much bitterness, and sadness.