ah, this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7HcWPDYtwI

is a testimony to the fact that i am such a loser. to share some deep, deep secretive kinda things … i had sung it to my then husband (now ex) when he didn’t want anything to do with me … of course in my ever off-key voice, as bad as i ever could sound … i .. went on, and sang it .. the complete song. could i ever have been more ridiculous, not to say pathetic (and so funny now that i think about it). and that look on his face … wow, i’ll never forget it. it was like saying (to me) that look, saying “how pathetic can you be, and i don’t even know how to react”.

wow … now that .. that look, if you have ever faced it, that look, is truly heart breaking. very definitive that was, that moment. and i’d heard a clear, distinct “KLANK!!!” then .. inside .. and i knew that that was the sound of my heart breaking. that, that was that. no turning back now. that nothing will ever be the same again now. it hurt, so bad … nothing had gone wrong, i stood, i breathed, my heart pumped blood as it always did … but … but …

even today (been 6 yrs now) this song always, always makes me cry .. i dunno why .. i guess i still am .. as always … a pathetic loser
.
.
.
… i must’ve looked so, so funny though … good that veer wasn’t there. i’d have been the butt of his jokes for all eternity then .. :)

i am not a good person. i am a very small, very petty person …

you hear a sweet tinkle
bell outside
you run out
swift as wind
panting
gushing
you look here
and then there
no
she is
nowhere
you smile
and go back in again
maintaining
with great effort
that pin drop silence
so you can hear
that tinkle
that tinkle
one more time
your gain
or
your pain
you don’t care anymore
gain
or, pain
both are now
redundant.
you feel,
in vain

the day started on a bad note today; that of regret. i had decided the previous night to wake up early, do a couple of chores before i left for work. but i kept sleeping, consciously. and then i hated the fact that there was no time for anything. that, that’s how i have been spending my life. not doing what i should have been doing. feeling terrible. hating myself. cursing myself for being such an ass, a loser, a nincompoop. a pathetic, pityful, sad … sad creature.

i feel better now though. just realized that it might be PMS .. phew!! :-) nothing to worry …

kitabon mein kya rakha hai
kitni kholi aur bund karee
zindagi ye samajh mein tab ayee
tumsey baatein jab chund karee

mushkil hai ye life
constant, consistent
strife

we go one step
at a time
one step
we go
with faith
eyes
and ears open
and a smile
one step
we go

tiring
it is
how long
how far
to go
the promise
of green
withered, wilted
long past
dry
yellow grass
hot winds
abundant
aflow

one
one
at a time
one step
we go

nothing to update today loves of my life. we’re going out for lunch today; team lunch. :) and before that there’s a meeting. so most of the day will be gone in that. and then i got so much to do. read this huge (specifications) document and then write about some stuff.

i had been looking forward to start writing something. but the flow isn’t starting. it’s not “clicking”. actually … as a matter of fact … i myself am not putting in enough effort. hmmmm….

god’s beauty lies in nature,
the trees, the earth, the air.
yet, the most beautiful sight in this world
is hands folded in prayer.

fine lines make things beautiful. acknowledging that there is a fine line, and appreciating and respecting it is a answer to a lot of questions that exasperate a human mind and lead to a lot of redundant tension. i will try and gather real-life examples of what i mean, when people forget that there is a fine line.

go on, go ahead, get high, enjoy .. but keep in mind, there is a very line line …

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08Feb10
taking your loved ones for granted, for example. there’s a line that divides that and walking all over them …