… you never cared, didn’t even notice that it was floating around. so eventually it just floated back to me. my poor heart. and now it’s back home, sleeping cozily, all curled up in warmth and love, content and at peace. you say you want it back? oh well, i can’t help anymore. it has a mind of its own, the silly goose. it’s happy where it’s at now, and just won’t budge. you seen it, you tried … wouldn’t move right? yes, it doesn’t move now .. :)

i don’t know when it will … though i hope to heavens it does .. :)

you came into my life
and started softly humming
your presence into my world
was introduced with a murmur

a murmur that turned
my heartbeat into a drumming
and before i knew it
i had started to sta a a a mmmmmer

ab tum jo ho yahan
aur kuchh nahi chahiye
tum suraj merey, merey chand
o merey sohney mahiye

o merey sohney mahiye
aur kuchh nahi chahiye
ab to bus sun le aye khuda
bahon mein bahein payeeye ..

tum ta ra rum pum pum pum pum
la la la la la de da da

in/around my late teens, when i was living in NN, ND still, there appeared one day a (sarkari) saand (bull???; it’s called a saand in that part of the world), bang in the middle of the ring road (our quarters were just by the road). now this was a huge, massive creature. much bigger than my 5.3, 5.4 frame, humongous, beefy, all muscle … awesome … awe-inspiring. there he used to stand (or sit), oh so majestic, bang in the middle of the road, always. we didn’t have traffic jams and stuff then. though it was a major road of delhi city, that part of the ring road rarely got crowded. so maybe that’s why no one bothered remove him. or maybe no one dared.

it was love at first sight. the first time i saw him, i stood there, fixed to the ground. and i just stared, unabashedly. i wanted to put my arms around him, hug him. but i too, i guess, wouldn’t dare. he never looked at me, never directly, but whenever i used to go near him and stand there by his side, i knew that he knew. that i am there, so close … i just knew, i felt .. that he felt. i started buying loafs of bread for him. it became a daily ritual. me going to feed him, everyday. though of course that loaf must’ve done nothing for his hunger. he never looked hungry though. he always looked well-fed, very calm, the very picture of serenity, and strength. i loved being by his side. and though dying to, i never touched him, i dunno why, maybe i was scared. he always took the bread from my hands, very gently, and ate it slowly, or just swallowed it, to eat later. and then we both used to stand beside each other, basking in each other’s presence. what perfect completeness, contentedness … peacefulness. we were like a married couple, happily married for a hundred years, him me, me him.

and then one day, he didn’t take the bread. rather, he pushed me away. he heaved his huge head and pushed me with it. i didn’t know if i was scared, or sad. but i came away, as i wasn’t too sure what to do. i was heart broken. but it was nothing compared to what happened the next day. the next day when i reached there, with the loaf of bread in my hands, the world was a different place. a grim place. a sad, empty place. he was nowhere in sight. the road hadn’t looked so … spacious ever before. i looked, i ran, i searched, but no sign of him. he had just disappeared .. just like the way he had appeared. i went the next day again, and the next day, and the next day … i never saw him again …

that’s how i have grown in love .. eyes searching the long, lonely road, my loaf of bread in my hand ..

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another all time fav song o mine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbsWkDjSNxE

bhor bhaye panghat pe .. :) from the movie ’satyam shivam sundram” it means, ‘truth, is shiv, is beauty’. most beautiful … :)

ah!! if only i could sing like that … wow!! .. if only i could look like that … WOWWW!!!!! i think, in her time, zeenat aman had the most awesome body ever …

i saw the later part of a very nice movie in the morning while having a humble b’fast of kheera-butter sandwich and tea; stolen summer(s?), name of the movie. it’s about a boy, danny, who’s suffering from leukemia, and it’s about this boy, pete, his very good friend. and it’s about pete’s “quest” to find a way for danny, who is a jew, to reach heaven, as they both know that he might/will die. pete believes that one can reach heaven only if one is worthy of, and if one prays to, jesus. the movie ends with a touching dialog between pete and the rabbi, who is danny’s father. the day danny dies, pete breaks down in the rabbi’s arms crying that he failed to get danny a place in heaven. he’s been feeling terrible about it. so he goes and meets the rabbi one morning. he tells the rabbi that he has realized that one doesn’t need to pray only to jesus to be able to get entry into heaven, and that he knows that danny is in heaven. when the rabbi asks him how he knows that, pete replies with just one word, and the sweetest smile, “faith”.

ah! i cried , and cried, and cried, and then i laughed some, and then cried .. :)

it’s getting pretty chilly here now. has been raining incessantly and is windy like crazy. cold, strong, moist winds. brrrrrrr………….

life without mausi (the maid/nanny .. sul :)) seems .. well .. incomplete. clothes are strewn about, there is a general sense of mess and chaos around the house. so much that it is highly disturbing and i am seriously considering cleaning it all up by myself. sul has gone for a 3-wks durga puja vacation to her village, some hrs away from kolkata, west bengal. only 3-wks cos she’s been “home” multiple number of times this year itself, and we didn’t get a substitute maid as the agency sends some really horrible women. last time the maid they’d sent had a really bad case of body lice, and an even horrible body odor. she had huge, dense bushes for underarm hair. yes, we saw .. she used to wear sleeveless stuff .. :) not only that, she was super lazy. on one occasion i was in the kitchen making dinner and she was watching tv; and when i called her cos i wanted her to do something, she shouted back that she’ll come during the break. like, ha ha ha ha …

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it’s at moments like this that i realize i am so … superficial, so super lazy, and so .. pathetic; worst things that a person could be. hence, so completely out of it. that my well-being (emotional) is so highly conditional. also, that i am so arrogant. i actually do just wanna stretch my back, relax, take a deep breath and make the world move around to my wishes … forgive me dear universe, forgive me …