who would’ve thought that i’d actually miss hyd (i wouldn’t have), but i did, some time back when i was much in pain i missed home (not necessasarily the city maybe). or maybe it’s just the familiarity of it. my cosy, comforting bed, my warm, yellow-tinged room, my pillows that support me through thick and thin .. these are the things that one misses when one is in pain. thankfully, one is not in pain anymore, and one is grateful about having realized that one appreciates home, and when the time comes, one will look forward to reaching there .. :)

i have also started dreaming my old dreams, not the same dreams, but the same type of dreams that i used to dream, which of late i hadn’t been dreaming, esp since i moved to hyd. the dreams that are more like a movie running. one long story, series of events throughout the night. in my dreams, i am mostly on the move, and i rather like that. so i have been having pretty entertaining and interesting dreams for some nights now. i wonder if it’s the delhi effect :). i dunno if i have told you this, but there was a time in life, long, long back, (in delhi) when i used to look forward to sleeping and just abhored waking up jus cos i enjoyed my dreams so much .. :)

my upper (painful, troublesome) wisdom tooth is also out now ..solife i good ..:)

in the year 2000, or maybe 1999, during the course of an interview, i replied to the question, “do you have any regrets in life?” with a stupid, and a very arrogant, “no”. i have come a long, long way since then. that interview for one, i regret my answers big time. that job, if i’d cleared the interview, would’ve changed my life (though i can’t imagine, don’t want to imagine, my life without Cy now). and since then, as i started to think about it, as i truly started to think, i realized that there are not many things in life, even as a youngster, that i don’t/didn’t regret. like, i regret the way i spend the most part of my 3rd decade on this planet in this current form. truly wasteful. i sleep walked through it. i can’t understand that if now i am wiser because of it, or inspite of it, rather, despite it. one stupid, pointless relationship after another, running around in circles, i wonder what made me so insecure and incomplete that i so desperately searched for it in others. towards my mid-twenties, i was a certified zombie … i was off relationships, i used to sleep for most part of the days, and just .. while away my nights.

maybe it’s delhi. it does that to me .. and maybe it’s doing it to me now ..

i closed my eyes and prayed; to babaji, to the universe, to all the higher forces. i prayed hard to be rid of my pain. the excruciating pain in my both upper and lower right 4ths (teeth) by my estimate, making that vertical pillar of pain jab into my chin till my forehead, making the entire area in-between tender (like a ripe mango) and throb with pain, and raising my body temperature considerably. i closed my eyes and prayed, feeling some rest, or maybe just imagining it. and then i thought of jesus, and thought that He might wonder if i am not able to take the pain. i couldn’t pray anymore. and now i just sit here, feeling it jab into me, increasing the beats of my heart sometimes, making me real hot sometimes, thinking of a day, maybe in a week, when i might be able to rid myself of it .. :)

jesus, i love you. and i hope you never feel any pain again … :) (no, i don’t volunteer .. just praying) :)

after a series of weird stupidities this month, i am left with precious little (cash) in my bank account now. this is a very scary situation of a single parent to be in. suddenly there will be a lot to pay (for) when the pay comes in on the 1st, and i can just hope to dear, sweet God :) that it’s not time to pay cy’s school fee, which i must say is … ridiculous … hmmm …

earlier in the evening, cy was standing in the balcony and communicating with her friend (who was also standing in her balcony) in the building across the road and the park, thereby vigorously exercising her lungs and stressing her vocal cords to the maximum. i have on numerous occasions advised her not to create such a big … sound. though i am not a 100% about whether i am right in trying to stop her, irrespective of what the neighbors might think and thereby conclude. but this time i did make my wish known that i’d like very much for her to stop this breaking of the sound barrier so close to my being. her reply: “we are shouting softly.”, which, commendably, she said very softly. :) i couldn’t help but smile .. :)

tooth still hurts, terribly now. i am not feeling very communicative; worked from home (bless the company). and now i feel a fever coming. actually i have been feeling it since evening-late afternoon when the pain increased. along with the very unwise wisdom tooth, another tooth had started hurting, like it’s tapping to a slow number, just that it’s tapping stuck to my jaw. i hope i am able to connect with the universe soon …

i had a G-R-E-A-T time in mumbai this weekend. i really wish i could move back there .. :)

what do i write about today. there’s that .. and then there’s that .. there’s that thing he said the other day, and then she mentioned something yesterday … hmmm .. but all that is .. “personal” .. personal to them .. :) hmmm …

i feel better. the fever’s not there. though the jaw still feels weird. i feel a pressure and i feel that it’s pulling on the skin under my lower lip on that side. and i feel a twitch there every time i raise my eyebrow on the same side. scary, considering that i had partial facial palsy about 7 yrs back due to something like this. my tooth swelling back then had started pressing down on some facial nerve, and the area was paralyzed. half of my face just fell. though it was very funny at the time, and i used to end up laughing every time i looked at shm looking at me and laughing or smiling in a funny way .. the way i looked; but it’s very, very scary.

i didn’t go to work today. have been having (not so high, sometimes high though) temperature. this particular episode started sat morn. all through the weekend i felt my head being weighed down by something that felt like a very physical, solid form of sleep. so i slept. all through saturday, and all through sunday. didn’t even go for my daily walks, that i love and so enjoy. couldn’t. but both these days, i didn’t think about fever. i had fever the previous weekend, but i slept it off .. that one i felt was rheumatic fever as it came with pain in my hip joint, and a bit in my elbow joint. i was feeling just fine towards the end of that weekend.

monday morning, yesterday, i was still the same. very sleepy. i wondered if it was a low BP symptom. googled, but didn’t find anything to substantiate that. though i did start feeling better around lunch time .. 1 pm. i reached home around 5 .. just dropped dead on my bed (cyra giving off a sigh of relief and quietly slipping off my side as i was trying to get her to read her hindi lesson), slept like someone had hammered my head in and then forced myself to get up around 6:30, with a very hot body (hehehe .. i mean temperature wise :)). splashed cold water on my face, felt good. went for a walk, felt awesome .. the weather was beautiful (still is :)), but i knew that i wouldn’t be able to accomplish my reg .5 hr, so cut the walk short, and on the way back home knew for sure that i had fever.

its tuesday afternoon now .. and i still have it (had a crocin last night). can’t think of any reason .. not one even to go to the doc. i mean .. reason that is causing it .. and hence go to the doc to get adequate cure/meds for that reason. maybe it’s the tooth(teeth) that’s been hurting ..

there’s this guy. who’s been saying that marriage will do me good. i wonder .. if that’s what the universe is trying to tell me. since all my life, i have jumped without looking, then why not in this direction too … esp when there’s a comparatively comfortable life on offer. no more of that 9-5 struggle .. for some time at least. no more resisting buying that nice dress … hmmm .. someone to take me to the doctor’s .. :) hmmm … and what’s love got to do with it anyways .. esp now, when i feel love all around .. all over .. everywhere … :)

had a terrible weekend. very weird. slept all two days … the head was like it was stuffed crazy with solid, fluffy sleep. very weird .. am still feeling it .. the sleep hangover. took that picture in the previous post yesterday, after having slept for most part of the day when i got up eventually towards sun down … or was that day before yesterday ..? hmmm …

maybe there’s something wrong with me .. again. long back i had started feeling this exact same thing. like, real sleepy. i remember going to see my (homeopathy) doc and dozing off in the waiting room. and then when i went in and told her, she squinted her eyes and had this expression on her face, like .. that’s a valuable input or some such. and i think she gave me a medicine keeping that in mind. but that was in delhi .. :-/ and the only other real good homeopathy doc i know is in pune .. hmmm…

something good did happen over the weekend. late sat night, i made a sandwich for myself. :) i haven’t made anything for myself in ages … and sandwiches are something i used to literally live on in my teens, till about my early twenties. so that felt good .. :) nothing elaborate, just a double layer of the humble cheese slice and crunchy cucumber. it was yumm .. :) i have been off leavened bread of late .. so it was a nice change of taste ..

just when i was starting
to have my doubts
i had a glimpse of heaven
right behind that cloud

i am thoroughly enjoying ‘the enchantress of florence’. right now salman rushdie will/can so thoroughly enjoy anything consentual with me, if he so wishes .. :)

i enjoy a writer’s company .. most i’ve known have had a H-U-G-E … ahem … mind. :) .. i like guys who have minds that can grow and enlarge to unimaginable limits … very, very satisfying .. having a wholesome conversation with a man so endowed .. hmmm … :)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
i’ve been having awesome sunsets of late … thank you universe .. :)

my tooth (rather teeth) hurts again. but this time i will wait for my trip to delhi and show it to the dentist there. :)