mein aaj dukhi hoon .. jus … whassa date? … 30th … hmmm … PMS maybe …

one of those moods, when you wanna sweetly slit your wrists, softly with a sharp blade, like a knife goes through slightly melted butter, and watch the pretty red blood ooze out. i love that color, deep red. i think red is the deepest color, you can deep-dive into it, and sink into its gooey, thick, sweet, thickness.

and then you watch it trickle down
maybe, down a leg
will it form a pattern?
a small rivulet forming its course
telling a tale of its life
of joys that soared
of sad tears that fell down
it’ll collect on the floor
a puddle, or maybe a stream
stay there, if its thick
or flow away, under the bed
if its not
that last thing i see
and remember, if we do
the beautiful red
the red of my viens
it sustained me for so long
now its one with the earth

::: no worries; jus some creative writing practice

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long, long, long back, in another life it seems, i was with this guy, on this morning. and i was zapped, i dunno, i was lost. eyes wide open, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. but it wasn’t the ceiling i was looking at, i was lost, just lying there like that, still, very still. and then that guy, went down, stayed there for a good while. a good, long while. when he came up, the reverie broke, i looked at him and asked, “breakfast”? he beamed back, “i already had mine.”

a bug flitters around the flame
in awe, in wonder, in adoration
and then it gets consumed
in what is just an illusion
a deception
shining bright
burning hot
alluring
but it, the flame, does not
allure
it’s just
standing there
and burning …

and so God made a shore
a safe haven for bipods
a cool beautiful spot
to sit and enjoy
wonders of the sea …

…someone had mentioned deep sea diving and how the waves are very “alluring” .. :)

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there is this nice line in our guru granth sahib: jo mangey thakur apney te soi soi deve (what(ever) you ask, God will give, just that)

complicated for people like me, who have no idea about what they (really) want. like today, in the morning, i really wanted to be an amazonian. live in the amazon; one with the nature and the universal forces. **sigh** ….

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i am losing my ability to hold pee for long. i don’t wanna think of a future, the last 30 yrs of my life (assuming i live upto 100), wearing huge diapers. i think i started losing it after cy was born … like all my pee holding powers were transferred to her or some such. even as an infant, she must’ve wet the bed like what, twice maybe. i got worried initially, cos she used to let go, only in the morning, when i used to take her to the pot. but the doc said it’s ok … and now i know it was ok. back then i used to call the doc for every little thing. once i put a bit too much sugar in her cooked apples. i panicked, that so much sugar might harm her. so i called her doctor, and told her that i put a spoonful jyada sugar, and if it’s ok … :) new mothers i tell you … :) ** sigh ** …

it’s 3 am, and sleep is no where in the vicinity. besides, my shoulder joint is hurting and i am in no mood for a pain killer. this happens (lack of sleep) mostly when i decide to wake up early sometimes and start the day early with some good work, or when i have had a good hr-2 hrs sleep the previous afternoon. in this case it is the latter. and wow … was i sleepy. eventually at 6:20 pm last evening, i sipped some nice hot chai with my eyes closed and only then was able to open them. i was happy, in my afternoon sleep, dreaming the dream i was dreaming. i was with veer and S, going down these wide, white stairs, and S was holding a tattered umbrella over her head. it seemed like an extension of the dream i was having last night. last night’s dream was really nice, and long; that one dream lasted through the night, i think. in that dream, of last night, i, piti, and S were traveling, ‘Manali to Madhya Pradesh’ i clearly remember, and we were really happy, in the dream. i wonder if there’s a message, or some indication.

i think that infidelity is more of a “northie” thing. i think most south indian couples are loyal to each other … even librans … or pisceans … hmmm …

today i asked with equal sincerity and intensity two such different, and contradicting things from god … hope s/he judges by her/him-self and gives me what is right for me … :)

had a lot to update this space with … but no time … :)

.. not a “happening” lot, but just … thoughts … :) …and thoughts are all i have …

http://www.sandeepweb.com/2009/04/16/revisiting-the-horrors-of-1984/

25 years. i wonder why these “leaders” never got shot (by a gun), just like that, out of the blue, some fine sunny delhi day. it’s not even that difficult here in india …

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so this is what i was thinking earlier in the day: most relationships (man-woman, non-platonic) are the result of a hell lot of important buttons pushed by two immature, haughty, childish, brattish egos …

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contrary to what a lot of people say, i rather like reading my horoscope (here) everyday, belief/non-belief notwithstanding. sometimes, it makes me feel good, sometimes it makes me feel very good. today’s:

“Currently, though, you are not even so sure what your own better judgment actually is. As the week goes by, you will feel much clearer, and your heart will become much lighter.”

amen to that …
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Dear God. Please pick me up and drop in the general area of the south of France, please.

i feel i am in a beautiful place right now. agitating, frustrating, but beautiful. i mean beautiful in one plane at least if not all. as in, i have no idea where i am headed, and i am so ok with that. i really am. and there isn’t much desire, or aspiration left either. ok, yes, i am contradicting myself a li’l here. agreed i do not like this place, and i really do want to move out from here, but just the fact that i have no idea where i want to go, or where to go next, makes me … ok with where i am … rather, thankful, that i am. work wise too i am not very “ambitious”, so i am pretty ok with whatever i am doing, or not doing. the place where i had wanted to go earlier, mumbai, has become pretty faded in the memory, losing its charm, its sheen. pune, though i have awesome memories of that place, has become a comfortable part of history too. so all in all, i am pretty in the moment right now … my feelings and emotions irrespective … :)

this is hilarious. a friend advised just now that i go get a mammogram done. then she told me how you have to place ‘one’ on this cold steel slab, and then the attendant “picks it up”, and moves it about to adjust the position, and then another steel (or was it glass?) slab comes down and squashes it out completely. like … O-U-C-H !!!! … now who would voluntarily go and subject themselves to this … :-) hahahahahahahaha … funny …

but no, i think i should get it done. maybe the next time i am in delhi or mumbai … i’ve so completely lost faith in hyd healthcare system …

all the women in the world should … i’ll mail all my friends/loved ones ..

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damn, damn cool thing. we should do this … i mean people who have roofs … i know my mom would .. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zMAWztZ6TI

i loooove white light .. and it’s natural. wow!! i’d always wanted to live in a house/cottage out in the country and now i know how i can light it … :)
…

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it’s so f****** hot here it’s not funny … the shirt when it touches the body feels like it’s just been ironed … ahhh!!! one doesn’t get bored in this weather. one only gets miserable.

dear God, if i was a brahmin, would you’ve picked me up with my li’l bodi and extracted me from this misery … miserable land? :) Dear God …

i really love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFvHxywQw-c&feature=related

i had put it up on my orkut profile dedicating it to our good, sweet, sweet Guru, Guru Nanak. but veer advised me against it rightly. people mightn’t like it.

here is a small excerpt from the lyrics though, for non-hindi speakers:

abb usase aisa jud gaya hai silsila
wohi woh nazar aaye mujhko har jagah

< < now such an alliance has been formed with him/her
that i see him/her everywhere >>

yeh yeh yeh jindagi roshan huyi hai usake noor se
dil ko sachchi khushi haasil huyi hai usake ishq se
mujhko abb har ghadi, woh har ghadi, usakaa hi suroor hai
dekhein wo usko hee haan usko hi aankhen majboor hai

< < this life is alight with his/her aura (the word 'noor' means beauty though)
my heart has found true happiness with his/her love
i am every moment in a high because of him/her
they see only him/her, the eyes are helpless >>

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

as per our (sikh) gurus, one needs to be a “householder” and yet be detached and be … ummm … “lost” on God. but i dunno … i mean, that way you are not giving your 100% to anything. why attach yourself in the first place, and then keep yourself detached …

in the morning, on my way to work, i felt like a worthless piece of doodoo, among a lot of other things. at first i thought, for no reason at all. but then when i started pondering, i realized that there are many reasons; lakh patala pataal, lakh akasha akash.

but then i jerked my head awake
thinking what i had done wrong
and i grew strong
i know i have to carry on …

if i have been a first rate ass till now, then i need to realize that it’s because, deep down, maybe i am an ass. i need to acknowledge that fact and start living like an ass, and not an ass trying to live like a human girl. hmmm…

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something amazing happened just now. i typed ‘entrepreneur’ correctly. i can never, ever, spell such complex (for me, yes) words. i always type them out phonetically depending on the application to correct them. but i typed ‘entrepreneur’ correct, just the way it is spelt. thank you God, thank you universe, thank you … i am so grateful, for this one, beautiful wonder …

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< Fiction - Khatta Meetha >
It had been 10 hours since Imli had reached Mumbai. She didn’t have a lot of time to spend here. Not like days and days. She had only two days. And in these two days, she knew she had to live enough for years, cos she knew she won’t see him for some, maybe never. She had to be in Goa Monday morning, and had decided to have a stop over in Mumbai for the weekend. So to her roommate’s surprise, she had packed and left her place Friday night. She wanted to reach Mumbai early next morning so had taken an evening bus. All her friends used to wonder how she manages so many overnight bus and train trips, at least 2 a month. But she loved them, journeys, trains, buses, anything. As long as she was moving, she felt at rest. Besides, being in a moving train or bus didn’t bother her, she managed to sleep soundly through the night just fine, waking up and reaching the destination relatively fresh. Sleep had always been a good friend; it never abandoned her.

Imli had met Madhur about two years back. She had been crazily busy in that entrepreneurs’ convention when they literally bumped into each other back stage. Her gooey sourness, and his melted sugary sweetness, made them stick. They bumped, shoulders first, she tripped, he caught her, she held him, he held her closer, his hand pressed her back, her hand rested on his chest, and this warmth swelled up, in both of them. They didn’t share a word, no need was felt, and their lips came close, closer, and touched. There was purity, in that touch of their lips. And they stayed that way for a while, with closed eyes, lost, savoring each other’s sweet smells, enjoying that moment that stretched into many. And before that purity took darker hues and turned into a salivating beast … it broke. She heard her name called and opened her eyes. He jerked back, and turned crimson, half confused, a bit dazed, a bit flushed with embarrassment, desire, a hurting erection, he couldn’t understand what. She smiled at him, asked for his card, which he gave thankful that he was carrying them, and disappeared in the crowd of entrepreneurs. He didn’t see her again. It was as if she avoided him and made sure that their paths never crossed.

Madhur had since moved to Mumbai; a struggling writer. He loved to struggle, and maybe that’s why never really truly tried hard enough to become a success. He loved sweating, walking and traveling for hours in the heat and humidity, part of the sweltering Mumbai masses. From one meeting to another, from this publisher to that, sometimes even movie directors, looking for chances to script something. For him, success was a destination he was not in a hurry to reach. He was enjoying the journey too much. Besides, it was this, this life out in the fields, the fields of concrete, and smelly bodies, and black tar roads that kept his thoughts alive; alive and kicking. His thoughts that fed his expression, his writing. Sometimes at the end of an extremely strenuous day, he arrived in his two room nothing accommodation, night half gone, to start his pre-historic computer, sit, and write. And then he wrote till the wee hours, words, sentences, whole pages of thoughts reading which made him filled with happiness, contentment, and confidence. A confidence that told him yes, he had it in him.

______________________
…now, if i didn’t have a whole 8 hrs worth of work lined up for the day, i could’ve taken this somewhere … ** sigh **

right now if i could pack all my worldly belongings in a bag, i’d pack it, pick cy and leave for mumbai, never to return to hyd again …

things like this make me feel this way. you bad, bad, bad M.

i feel like a character in samit basu’s ‘gameworld trilogy’. my heart feels so tired …

i’m just too sleepy … dats all. haven’t been able to sleep well in a week now. have no idea why.

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11:00 am
hahahahahaha!!!!! my dear, dear well wishers and loved ones. i feel much better now. just read someone’s profile and L-A-U-G-H-E-D ….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! God bless his soul … hahahahaha!!! …. :)

it feels so good to laugh. i love to laugh. i used to laugh a lot when i and veer were staying together. we are like … laughing siblings. this, this … camaraderie we have. it’s not like we know each other so well, (we do, but that’s not what i am talking about here) it’s just the way we vibed that sometimes even if someone moved their ass, we used to burst out laughing … :) miss you veer … and i love you so much … :-)

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1:28 pm
i feel so, so, so sleepy right now it’s not funny. i got so much work, it’s not funny. for some weird reason, i haven’t been able to sleep well for past weeks … maybe week. i wake up completely at night (mostly due to my own doing). sometimes at 2, maybe 3 and i am not able to go back to sleep again. i doze off gradually in the wee hrs but once the sun is up, then i just can’t … sleep deeply, so i am half awake, and eventually just get up. so now i feel like a zombie … i am so, so, so sleepy right now. yawwwwnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………………………

and i don’t like that machine coffee … and don’t like at all the tea-bag tea. i like the brewed tea, with full-cream (kachcha) milk preferably, with ginger and saunf in it … :)

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some guys walk with their feet wide apart. does that mean they have large … paraphernalia? i wonder ..

no offense though, i myself walk with my feet apart. my ex mom-in-law used to call me sometimes charlie chaplin, sometimes penguin… :) … and NO, there’s nothing protruding there … and NOOO .. you can’t see …

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if words could paint a picture
i’d write a picture
in pastel hues
of dreams
i dream turned real
of dreams
sitting on a mountain top
lost in the mist
me and you
________________________________

if words could paint a picture
i’d write a picture
in pastel hues
of dreams
i dream turned real
of dreams
of me on you
some force
some sexual abeau

…hmmm … definitely more me … :-)

i saw the movie videsh (heaven on earth). i really, really liked it … :) just loved the concept … of … of … an entity, that has come about, just to … love you. and such pure, all absorbing, magnetic love … wow!! :-)

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so once, long back, my then boy-friend, went on an “official” trip. without even telling me. goes to show how much he wanted me, or wanted to be with me. i called up his office, got to know where he’s gone, then called up his office admin people, got to know where he’s staying, called up that place, got his no there, and then called him up, to shout at him. he got the shock of his life. and then i went over to spend the weekend with him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! bloody sucker … must be so glad that i’m outta his life … hehehehe!!! :-) i’d be embarrassed if it wasn’t so funny …

if i can’t die without it .. i can do without it ..

satnam siri waheguru

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i am dying to have one thing though. two rather. kardi, pakodey wali, and chawal, jeerey waley.

thank you so much alka, for having blessed me with both when i visited your home (very, very sweet home) … those were the tastiest meals ever … :)

nanak appeared at nanaki’s side when she made the hot phoolee rotis. wish i could do the same everytime you have kardi chawal made in your kitchen … yum! yum! :-)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

and apologies to M, for never truly understanding her …

…but i still stand by what i end up telling her every now and then … and sometimes to myself too. there’s only so much one can do, towards a particular … cause, person, or situation. once that is done … back off, and go on, keep going in, the way you were … or weren’t, as the case might be .. :) and i agree that it is easier said than done … i find it so, so hard myself. esp when there are so many other things i’d rather find hard … ;)

a beautiful, beautiful thing happened in the morning today. i’ve always had a soft spot for our sweet, dear guru nanak. and of late i have been sending my love to him a tad bit more. and today, in the morning, when i opened my gmail account, i saw the message that guru_nanak is following me on twitter. ah!!!! … :) … i laughed, and laughed, and laughed i was so happy. it’s the end of the day, the good day saturday, and i am still smiling …

thank you guru_nanak, for being a part of my life. :-)

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talking of happy thoughts. i just love this video of madonna’s; don’t tell me. and those four guys …. doing the cowboy dance … the awesome, tight bodies, and butts, and yet so … so … fluid .. wow!! hmmm….

yesterday was a beautiful day. a blissfully empty day, ended in thunderstorms and hard, hard rain. everything i love to be part of my life. and then at night, i opened the windows and the room was so, so, cool. it was beautiful. the nice, sweet smelling feeling lingered somewhat when i started for work today, but soon disappeared when the day started.

apart from a stiff upper back that i ended up with due to being horizontal on huge pillows most day yesterday, i felt very … melancholic. yes, the feeling of being … i dunno … unhappy about being in a place i didn’t wanna be in bubbled up to the surface, yet again. (i notice a pattern here … i start feeling like this during “that” time of the month). but this time it was couple with this feeling of failure to provide cy a dreamlike childhood. greenery, mountains, hills, birds, water streams … and all that jazz ….

when i was pregnant, i used to think about moving to china, near the shaolin school, high up in the mountains. they take in kids starting at age 4. all that fresh mountain air, and the discipline of the shaolin school .. :-) wow!! … and look how she lives now … black soot in her lungs, chocolates and ice-creams, and schools and education system that is so not exhilarating … making me crazily miss my home schooling her dreams …

also, of late, i don’t much feel like writing here much .. :-/

so now i am happily, blissfully aware that i don’t like this place … :) so i wait. till i know what next … where to go … what to do … :)

i read the word ‘extatic’ somewhere … and couldn’t help smile. i had been thinking for some days now that Hindi is a much more evolved language. it’s not possible to have such faux pas’ in Hindi because the language is formed in a way that it does not allow it. every word has its own sound and every sound its word .. :) .. yes . whatever that might mean .. :)

i had a sinful weekend. sinfully slothful. and yes, i do feel more comfortable now. comfortable with this … city. or maybe have just got used to the barrenness, the lack of cool, tingly-moist, life-force one associates with green jungles, big trees, chirpy birds, rushing, falling waters. hmmm … :-)

so i’ll write about today then. today i am happy. one perspective is that i am happy for no reason at all .. these things happen you know :). another one could be that maybe it’s connected to something that happened in the very near past. though i am confident that my current happiness has nothing to do with that .. some people might like to believe that it is.

and that brings me to the point of the happiness of “those” people. i genuinely feel (affection) for “those” people. cos as much as they’d like to believe that they are on the right path … (i feel) they are not. and please, do excuse me for assuming that i am right. how can i not be (right that is :)). for the logic, and the “true” path (in this specific case) is so clear (in my mind). it’s so simple actually, the path, so straight. two dots; one start, one end; and then there is the path; so straight and uncomplicated. and then there are “those” people, digging for turns and twists that do not exist, dirtying their nails and fingers and hands in the process. and then they wail out loud that … they are lost …