i’d put this as a reply to M’s comment to my previous post. thought it’ll look nice here: :)

if batman was my boyfriend
i would’ve painted him all white
i would’ve made him love light
things cheery and bright

bat mobile would’ve been cherry red
his costumes hues of green
robin would’ve run around naked (yumm… ;))
in an open-roof cave, painted cream

you say you love me
i say, do you even know what love is?
you say you will die for me
i say, have you ever even lived?

don’t want
please don’t wish
in your wishing
the universe might oblige

i will yet again
be strayed from my path
falling deep into the pit
sinking deep into the darkness

i think i see a pattern emerging. this restlessness i feel, like i wanna get out of here, comes mostly after weekends. after 2 days of bliss, of relaxation, of … not going out into this … this … **sigh* .. this city that i am just not able to get used to … :-/

i need to take measures to strengthen myself from within. so that i do something silly, out of desperation some day. like get married just to get out of here. dear God, please be with me …

i’m feeling rather shitty today.

i got a call from this firm some 4-5 months back. and at that time i said no thinking that i should brave it and spend at least another year here. but now i feel … shitty …

not like nothing’s happening. there’s always something happening, everyday, even in the most not-happening of lives. and it’s not even stuff that i can’t, or won’t share. but i just don’t feel it some times, the desire to communicate, with the outer world. that’s all.

yesterday, someone mentioned something i had been thinking about for some time. marriage .. :) and incidentally, earlier in the evening, before that conversation, i and cy had gone to the neighborhood “club” and had a rather bad dinner, in the course of which, cy looked at a “family” sitting on the next table, and said that it’ll be nice to have a guy in the house, in our family. though i knew what she was hinting at, i asked if she meant that i should get a baby boy. she said, no, a daddy. :) later on she did say that she loves being with me, and she was just saying that, just like that, that she didn’t really mean it, when i had asked. and i do understand that it’s a very, natural desire for a li’l girl to have. as of now, i am glad that it’s just a temporary desire, like when you see a yummy chocolate and you wanna have it. i hope and pray that it stays that way … the last thing i want is to get married for all the wrong reasons … besides, i don’t wanna get married … i just wanna love … :)

someone i “met” online dedicated these lines to me … :)
i am … flattered. :)
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i wanna die while u love me…
while yet u hold me fair…
while laughter lies upon my lips…
and lights are in my hair…

i wanna die while u love me…
i could not bear 2 see…
the glory of this perfect day…
grown dim or cease 2 be…

i got this mail today from a fellow earthling … :)

Hi, JAGDEEP how r doing? Let me know if u likes with me friendship. Reply me soon…

And tell me something about uuuuuuuuu

i had an awesome HOLIday today … :) thanks to rits and DG .. my Hyd friends … :)

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arz kiya hai …

dil
toot-toot ke, toot-toot ke, toot-toot ke
powder ho gaya
ab to koi bhi aye
chutki bhar de deti hoon …

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last saturday, in the morning around 10, i went to pay the electricity bill, a little away from where we live, though on the same main road itself. i took a shared auto and reached the place. after finishing that task, i came out and reached the place where they sell vegetables on both sides of the small road, leading to the main road from which i had to take a shared auto back. i love passing through vegetable markets. anyways, while i was passing by this dhela (a wheeled, mobile thing on which they sell vegetables), this heavenly whiff of fresh tomatoes got hold on my nostrils. i turn around, eyes half closed, and wow … there they were … lying atop one another, these awesome, juicy-looking, so beautifully red, firm tomatoes. i did something very M then. i bought a kilo just because they looked so pretty … :)

at home, i don’t remember when exactly, i sat by my bed, in front of the computer, just … idling away, with this tomato in my hand. i looked at it for long, couldn’t help it, it looked so … alluring, captivating. its thick, firm, sensuous red skin reflected the daylight in a matted shine. i just couldn’t take my eyes off it … i bent my head a bit and kissed it. a full, open mouthed kiss. it made me happy, satisfied at some level … one with the tomato in my hands. and then i pressed my teeth hard and bit it. and suddenly there was a huge spurt of tomato juice all over my lap, on my thighs and legs. it was amazing. i was stumped. i really was at a loss of what to do. cos if i kissed it again … it would’ve … seemed weird … like something did happen … the tomato … and i … i …

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12/03/09 - Thursday
late last evening, I and Cy were coming back from Rit’s place, after having spent a beautiful wholesome (holi)day. DG dropped us off at the hi-tech city signal, from where we had to take a shared auto home. i went and sat in one, in the far corner. this tall, not-so-bad-looking guy in a black, checked kurta came and sat next to me. then came this woman, and like so many women i have seen do this now, came to the auto on the guy’s side, sneered at the guy sitting in the middle seat, walked around the auto and stood on my side obviously wanting me to move in and let her sit on that side. i have no idea why, but i obliged. so there i was sitting sandwiched between that selfish, inconsiderate woman (like so many of them i see almost everyday) on my left, that guy on my right, and Cy and the 2 bags between my legs. i was happy, and content, and at peace, so it was ok … i had a smile on my face.

just when we were reaching our place, i realized that guy’s hand was grazing my side rather firmly … maybe he even touched my … you know. since i was oblivious to the world in general at that time, i didn’t realized much. when i did at last feel it, i turned, looked him squarely in the face and said loudly, “excuse me”. he promptly straightened up, moved his hand, and turned away. i still don’t feel anger. i don’t know why i wasn’t angry; maybe i was in a blissful state, or maybe cos he wasn’t that bad looking, or maybe … i don’t know. i just wasn’t angry. i just wanted him to move his hand, he did, and it was ok.

once off the auto, while crossing the road, i felt i needed to explain my one-sided exchange of words with that guy to Cy.

i: that guy touched me .. when i was sitting there in the auto. he shouldn’t have touched me. that’s why i said that.

cy (turning her face up towards me with the sweetest smile ever): maybe he thought you are beautiful and wanted to marry you.

of course i am not angry … :)

it shouldn’t be called masik-dharm. it should be called masik-majboori…

there were many things in my mind to post here these past 3 days … all forgotten.

ok. so this is an established fact now. i DID NOT … “take to” hyderabad. but till the time i am here, i’ll try my bestest to be happy and not mope or sulk .. :)

having no one to talk to, i guess is the biggest sadness-inducing factor in one’s life. esp when one wants to share something, some event, not so great, or bright. then talking about it, and just laughing when one has talked about it, helps tons.

one is so shallow and superficial. the most redundant things make one sad, and even more sillier ones brighten up the day. :)

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how does one know what’s the right thing to do?

i feel like a bird without wings
hopping about, can’t fly
my heart feels joy
but can’t jump, it’s caged
i don’t know
to smile, or to cry