an event like coming to hyderabad is like being born. doesn’t matter if one likes this world or not … one goes on … happy mostly … :) one just gets used to it .. one day after another. (succumbs? i don’t know … but i am not the succumbing kinds. though there have been times i … give up … i get just okie with the circumstances when i see nothing much can be done)

heal me dear God, babaji, please heal me.

satnam waheguru!!!

if i have a pensieve–the thought collector harry potter’s teachers use–right now it’d make for one hell of a porn movie…

oh well .. it’s just a kiss … i can put it up here … :)
________________

Jigyasa is rubbing her lips softly against Kishen’s slight stubble on the cheek. They are sitting on the bed, Jigyasa a bit on the edge, turned towards Kish, her one arm on his back, the other hand caressing the skin of his neck, rubbing just under his jaw bone. Her knee raised, resting on his thigh.

“Ahhh!! Kish … uhhhhh!! Please, please open your mouth. It’s killing me; I can’t hold it any longer. Just one kiss, let me see if I can find the satisfaction of an eternity long fuck in it.”

Jigyasa moves closer to him on the bed; Kish moves further away. He looks torn and confused.

“Jig!” he manages to utter, not moving his lips, his eyebrows together in a knot.

“What baby. I can see you are hard. I know you want me. You know I want you. Don’t hold back … now that we’ve reached this far.”

She stretches her neck, her lips getting closer to his. Kish holds still, his breathing getting faster by the second. He closes his eyes. She raises her body slightly taking her mouth closer to his, and licks the side of his lips softly, tugging at his mouth with the tip of her tongue. He lets out a soft moan, “uhhh…!!!’, coming from deep down his throat. He turns his head towards her, his eyes still closed. She kisses his lips softly; once, twice, thrice. She opens her mouth and lets her tongue rub against his closed mouth, sucking. She doesn’t remember if she’s ever tasted a mouth so soft, lips like flowers. She opens her mouth more and takes in his lips, sucking harder, chewing slightly, nibbling, and prodding his lips to open. He falls back somewhat, his body tilted now, his mouth open, the adam apply moving fervently in his throat, as if taking gulps of her love, her lust.

****************************************************************************************

some days, maybe weeks, maybe months i had put up a post about “indian” actors and how i detected a certain kinda “attitude” … problem or not i don’t know. but this is what i had meant . M, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjRNxUadPGo

now this guy (i sooo love him :)) is awesomely good looking, is a huge success, has a deep voice, but still … still … notice the … “bounce” in his voice, in his tone, in him … the way he speaks. most good actors have this (in the west). i can’t think of one (successful) indian actor possessing such … humility, the sheer joy of being alive (shahrukh khan does to some extent, but at times it seems even that is a performance). and that is what makes a good actor … i mean that’s not the only thing, but i think it plays a huge role is making one act well, and not merely perform, which is what most indian actors do. i wonder if i have been able to make my point …

it might have something to do with the air around here …. people growing up and all here … breathing this air …

come to think of it, priyanka chopra has that … bounce. :) listen to her speak. as a matter of fact, many actresses do ..

dear God! i pray, pray, and pray
please, please, please keep all sinful thoughts
out of my head, and my heart, my mind most of all
may all lust from my being stay away …

:)

sul, our home caretaker cum nanny, has always some interesting tales to tell. like the one she was telling me just yesterday in the morning, when i was enjoying my breakfast in slow, relaxed bites and bits. some background before that. she has just returned from her village near calcutta (kolkata) after a hiatus of two months. actually not so much of a hiatus but looking after her own home and hearth. her middle son hasn’t been well for 2-3 years now. he came and lived with us also for a while and we got all sorts of tests and stuff done. tests show everything to be normal and fine. a doctor we’d gone to told us that he’s suffering from bouts of depression and some related psychological problem(s). sul insists that someone in the village has done some kala jadu (kala=black, jadu=magic). he had always been a healthy, very active boy, good at taking care of their house when his mom’s out(-station) working (at my place) and also cooking for his (2) brothers and keeping the house, being an overall good, devoted-to-home boy. for such a nice fellow to have suddenly start falling sick for no reason at all, it is weird. he’s been getting sick; stomach upsets, headaches, and also increasing phobia of going out and talking with people on a very regular basis now. as a result, he’s lost tremendous amount of weight and become increasingly weak, not able to walk, or even stay up for longer periods of time. so this time, she said that she will go and take him to some good doctors herself and also priests and all to try and make him better.

and so she told me about this place she visited when she was there; known to be the abode of a “bhoot” (a ghost) of a brahmin’s (high order priest) young son, for some consultation. she told me that they started out early morning, packing food and all for the coming night as they knew that they can have an audience only at night. they (she and two other female fellow villagers she requested to accompany her; she didn’t take the son) reached the place–far from their own village–sometime in the evening. when the night fell, and her turn came (there’s always a good number of people waiting to consult the bhoot as i understood) she was ushered into a hutment, which was completely dark. she said that when they shut the door behind her, it got so dark that she couldn’t see her own hand. and i couldn’t understand if she was all alone there or not (she’s not a fluent hindi speaker and talks in a dense mix of bengali and some hindi :)), cos she told that one has to summon the bhoot, saying something like “… aaja, aaja” (”… come, come”, or “…come forth”), so i don’t know who did the summoning. she said that she was pretty scared initially, and then she felt this presence, like a real solid presence right next to her, and then the bhoot started talking, quickly, very rapidly. the bhoot actually said that it knows that she’s scared and it asked her not to be, in a very sweet, kind tone. he then narrated everything for her, to her–why she was there, her son’s ailments, calling him by name, and all his symptoms and her worst fears–without her having to say anything. note that she had not spoken to anyone around there about her problems. he/it then told her that apparently some years back her son who was now sick had gone to take a piss somewhere in the bushes and unknowingly peed on a ghost/spirit that was lying there among the bushes. and that it was that spirit/ghost causing all this. he then asked her for rs 2000 for getting rid of the spirit. she requested that she doesn’t have that much money and lamented and pleaded and stuff. i think it all got arranged in about rs 1000. i think she went back again with the money and there in the dark hut again, the good bhoot called the other misery-causing one and argued. she could hear the other spirit squealing and stuff. the spirit said that it was damn pissed for having been peed upon, and that not only the middle one, he’ll also claim her younger son. she, of course, was petrified and pleaded that it wasn’t her son’s fault as nobody will know if a bhoot is sitting in a particular bush, so of course one would piss not knowing what they are pissing on. but then she heard a loud swish sound and she heard a weird, eerie wailing. the good bhooth informed her that he has captured (slain??) the spirit and will get rid of it. he (or someone outside the hut?) then gave her some medicines for her son and said goodbye. her son since has been feeling well, at least better than how he was feeling earlier …

it intrigued me. i felt an urge to accompany her to her village on her next trip and then urge her to take me to that bhoot. but then i realized that that will not be right. and i understood, the line that need get drawn between a genuine need and entertainment … i drew that line and said thanks to God …

*********************************************************************************************

there’s this guy vir das, a stand up comedian who used to be on tv some years back, and then he disappeared. i saw an ad for a show last night, and i guess he’s back.

so, why do people laugh on vir’s jokes?

out of politeness … :)

long, long, long time back, i had a “friend”. she used me, right, left, and center. not only that, she mistreated me later, when i dated her brother for a while. she just wouldn’t understand that it was none of her business. that’s one of the very few things that still irks me sometimes. no, i don’t wanna get even or anything, i just want … to “talk” back … cos at that time, i just sat there mutely, trying to sooth her (as is my nature) the last time she just blasted. i realize now, i should’ve blasted back.

yea, yea, yea i know it’s past, it’s long gone, of course it’s not “spoiling” anything for me now … but i wish i could … let go .. of that feeling to “make my point” … :) maybe i have … i think i have … just that tiny desire lingers … the desire to shout back at that face … that face i showered caring and love at, some time in my life … :)

satnam waheguru
satnam waheguru
satnam waheguru
waheguru
waheguru
waheguru

*******************************************************************************

some weeks back, when i went to see the dentist at care hospital, i also paid a visit to this pâtisserie called cafe d’art. i’d seen it a couple of times before while passing through and had been wanting to take a looksie. didn’t like what i saw. i mean the pastries and pizza were .. nice, but …

so i was talking on phone with someone when i entered the place, greedily eyeing all that chocolate in front of me. alongside i was also asking the attendant present about the various confectionery and what it might constitute of. i ordered this, and that, and that, pointing the things out kept in the glass shelf. i paid, and then i saw that the guy was putting something other than what i had ordered. i smiled (like i always do, more so when i am pissed :)) and inquired if that was my box. when he said ‘oui’, i informed him that that was not what i had ordered. the guy insisted that no, this is what i had ordered. i asked him to put it back, and give me what i had wanted. can you believe it, he actually said that it’s been billed and that he won’t change it ??? … just cos he misunderstood what i asking for … ??? AND, on top of that he started insisting that what he had packed was what i had ordered … as if i didn’t know what I had ordered. it was most frustrating and annoying. a nice lady then came forth from inside, i guess hearing the scuffle, she apologized and stuff and said that they’d change the pastries … but the harm had been done. though the chocolate was delicious … it left a bad taste in my mouth …

and on top of all of that … that nice lady, along with apologizing said “yes ma’am, customer is always right”, and i was like “huh ….” … of course i won’t be going there anytime soon …

i had a very nice weekend. just … the way a weekend should be. time didn’t rush through, or didn’t slow down, it was just .. the way it was supposed to be. a second was a second, not split; a minute was a minute, not a second; an hour was an hours, not like a couple of minutes. and i, we savored each and every one of it … big slurpy swigs. :)

… and i gave up. trying to make up my mind to go, or to stay … i just gave up. as usual. anything goes, rather anything that comes, is most welcome. :) though pune would’ve been great, but this is good too. i am alive, and have a reason to live. life is good!! :)
***********************************************************************************

M, remember we were discussing about depression and addictions? many people who i’ve noticed get depressed every now-and-then (who incidentally are also addicts) are very selfish people. so there could be a relation between depression and selfishness. so one could try and solve one’s depression problems by being more … selfless … ??

**************************************************************************************

M started this song. the first four lines are hers: :)

of what good is happiness, love,
and what good are the songs?

of what good are maps of places,
of spaces where we don’t belong

i don wanna fight for it
i don wanna explore
i just wanna find a place
a place that i call home …..

just get me a something
a something that i know
a something that is mine
something my heart can hold

just get me something
a something to sing for
a something to live for
a something to love, and behold

ok sweet, innocent, angelic M, i officially switch it off … :) i am happy today, though my body hurts, the swellings and pain in my fingers and legs has gone from bad to worse, and it hurts to move, to get up, to walk … i couldn’t even put my socks on or tie my shoe-laces in the morning today. :) but i did. :) i did. :) i had this golu, sweet, soft, warm, very, very, zillion times very cuddly little angel by my side volunteering to do everything for me (for as long as we are alive and together–her words :)) and then not bothering cos her favorite show was on tv; but still keeping her little hand on my lap (eyes fixated on the tv) like that’s going to pull my socks up and tie my laces. i smiled, i cried in pain, and i did–pull my socks up and tie my laces. her hug, her squeeze, her golu cheeks that i kissed and kissed and kissed, and then her half-hearted plea (eyes still fixated on the tv) “oh mama please stay, i want to spend time with you”.

yes, there is heaven … this is it … :)

in waheguru i trust … in love, true love, truest of love, this love, i believe … :)

i know what i want as my next tattoo … i will get it when i move back to pune (or mumbai) in a couple of years … and hopefully have some money … :)
****************************************************************************

Tum se hi din hota hai
Surmaiye shaam aati
Tumse hi. tumse hi

Har ghari saans aati hai
Zindagi kehlati hai
Tumse hi. tumse hi

Mein Tera sarmaya hoon
Jo bhi mein ban paya hoon
Tumse hi. tumse hi

I love you Cy. :)

a quick update on me: my wonder, wander has stopped. i guess it was just PMS. feel better today. :) so i am just looking for a house now, as the water’s stopped again in malaysian township. we get just some hrs worth of water in the morning now. and summer hasn’t even started.
*********************************************************************************

i am unable to understand why most women are not comfortable with giving their child their own name. and why surprise is displayed sometimes when i (proudly/vainly :-/) express that it’d always been my desire to name my child after me, and not after the (biological) father. i was sure of this one thing even when i was single (before my marriage and subsequent divorce i.e.; i am single now too). Shm, back then (when we were dating) used to just … listen, indulgently. it was only later that i realized that i might have to put up some fight for it when there was (very) slight discord when i did not change my name after marrying him. i do most things on a need basis. i never understood the need to change one’s name post marriage.

and then this lady friend once told me, “baap ka naam zaroori hai” … and i tried suppressing a giggle, made a serious face and said “whatever”.

the thought came to my mind when i was munching on a cold mid-meal of noodles and chana just now, and i started thinking about single moms. that many of them still put the father’s name as last name for their kids. a father who abandoned not just her, but rather uncaringly, HER child. not their child, because while abandoning, the dad did lose the right to call that child his … somewhat. no? then why keep on … “honoring” that .. person .. by giving your child his last name, and not yours. it’s a outright insult to that child, i feel, to that child’s emotions, and love.

but i will never understand why after all the work that i have put in, when the product is finally ready and delivered, the credit goes to someone else. of course (my) name matters. if it’s my effort and it is recognized, i need to see it in paper … kapish?

PS: this is not a generalization on fathers who do not live with their ex-wife and kid(s). but just a thought on men-folk who abandon their families without any consideration or thought … or even with consideration and thought.

i did not have (m)any expectations when i moved to hyderabad, and paid dollops of money to this school to get cy admission in std 1 (86k here, as compared to 30k in pune; and i liked the pune school better). 9 months down the line, i haven’t … settled down. i still feel as … unfamiliar, and unsettled as i did when we had just moved in and let the realization hit that everything is so … so … dry, and barren. rocks, stones, more rocks. so not … me. i am a tree person, green, moisture, cool breeze.

i wonder … i wonder … i do wanna move … yes, i feel it stronger now, but move my residence within the city, or to another city, i don’t know. i pray to the universe for some clarity …

1. I am … hmmm … let’s see …

2. Hmmm…

3. I like paranthas … and milk cream (malai), and the white butter made from milk cream.

4. I have will power enough to say ‘no’ to a hot, sizzling parantha given to me with milk cream or white butter.

5. I just loooooooooove methi leaves infused makki ki roti (fenugreek leaves doughed into corn flour) with a whole bowlful of milk cream. There was a time (phase) when that’s all I had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

6. It’s not that I have a low threshold for pain; I have extremely “jumpy” reflexes.

7. I tend to be highly edgy and paranoid sitting in a speeding vehicle.

8. I love heights.

9. I (almost) never wear jewelery, though I love precious (semi too) stones. I like stones in general, specially the ones lying in shade, really cool.

10. I try and make a conscious effort to not hate, and not even use the word. I say things like, “not like…” or “not such a great fan of …”.

11. I forget a name (of casual acquaintances) I haven’t used for six months.

12. I wouldn’t say I am lazy, but I tend to do things only on need-basis.

13. I have been trying to get a perfect figure (my body) for the last 15 years now … rather unsuccessfully.

14. I’ve rarely been “conscious” of myself, so there’ve been times (esp in college) when I should’ve been highly embarrassed of how I was dressed, but I wasn’t. I am not now either; just that it makes me smile … thinking about it sometimes. :-)

15. I don’t know what I’d be doing right now if I hadn’t become pregnant 6.5 yrs back.

16. Confession: I sent Dino Morea random SMSs once. Clarification: I’m not a fan; was just a temporary flash of lust…

17. I love long walks, especially nature walks, among trees, by a lake, by the sea …

18. I’ve always dreamed of a house with a large patio, at a corner of which there is a small four-poster divan, draped with thin, white sheets … a small chateau maybe … **sigh** :-)

19. I used to be able to sketch and paint as a teenager; I can’t now. My first relationship I think brought about dramatic changes in me as a person.

20. Once, as a kid, maybe early teens, I was sitting out in the veranda on a Holi afternoon. Our neighbors’ kids dropped a bucketful of colored water on me, from the building terrace. I kept sitting, like nothing happened. Didn’t move an inch.

21. Although there’s always a huge mess in my house, my room, I like to keep things clean and organized. I like it when someone does it for me.

22. I love Labradors.

23. I wanted to be a dress designer and also a theater actor when I was in college.

24. I really like Tibetan food.

25. I love sweets, or any sweet, flour-dough based thing to eat. My current favorite is a crispy fried bun stuffed with custard/pudding (there’s a place here called ‘aromas of china’. They serve it).

–I hope to retire by the time I am 45.

hmmm … maybe M is right (or, Louise L. Hay) … that with that extraction i got rid of an old … principle. hmmm … i hope all my school and college principals are alive and healthy .. hahaha!! :)

well, anyways, i still feel in a limbo. it’s weird, how after feeling that ok, its been .. OMG .. 9 months (holy mother of God!!) and that i am used to this place and maybe i have become comfortable here … there are times, i still feel that i/we are biding time. i don’t feel that “at home” feeling. that we are waiting for the next … move to happen, or some such. it’s a weird feeling. and you (i) (looks like a vagina heeheehee!!) can feel it’s presence even i am happy, like this … slight pressure i keep feeling on my tooth/teeth.

i was just looking at some pictures, of people of other cultures who have converted to sikhism. it was nice, to see so much of … happiness. maybe that’s why people started things like religions initially, to get together and be happy. to celebrate. :)

i read somewhere on the internet that wisdom tooth extractions sometimes take 2 months to heal. well, dear God, yes, i know, this too will pass … :) satnam waheguru … :)