long, long back, i had a best friend, around college time i guess. we were really thick, ni and i. i remember a rainy day, we ran on the roads under one umbrella, spalshing in the water puddles, laughing, shouting like delirious teenagers, and i’d said, “ni, we will remember this day forever”. i still do, remember that day, rather that moment, when we were laughing and moving towards crossroads signal near bhikaji cama crossing. and since i still do, i think i’ll remember it always now.
i had a very interesting and nice dream experience last night. i don’t know how, as in i don’t remember the entire dream, but veer and i end up on this island, which seems deserted, and i realize that we are here now, maybe for good. it’s night time and we find a couple of candles from the rubble strewn about (which could mean that people come about this place) and i am concerned that the matches are over. amazingly, veer is walking without his crutches. i don’t even remember seeing him in a dream without his crutches, ever. but everything changes in the morning. come morning and the place is _____ing with people. it’s a like a picnic spot or something … that island. veer and i are so happy. and then we see these 2 aunties, i think friends of my mom (in my dream, they were no people i know in real life). and they’re asking me what i am doing in life, just like aunties do. and i tell them that i am applying for admission in college, first year. and they ask me if my mom has given me the money and i tell them that i don’t need it, that i have a summer job and i will pay for it with that money. all along veer is there by my side, and we are happy, smiling. and then those auntie ask me, but what will you do, in life, and i shout out loud, going away and waving a bye that i will be a writer. and veer and i are really happy, looking around that island/place and i am saying that i will get admission in college here itself. and then we start watching this TV hanging by this outer wall of a building and neetu singh is dancing to this old hit song of the 80s i think, wearing high boots and a small dress, and i am singing along, and a couple of college going guys join me. :)
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i just returned from “covering” this religious event–the guru manyo granth jagriti yatra, to celebrate the 300 years of guru granth sahib ji–for my dad. he wanted me to go and pay homage to our gurus, and as a proof that i went, wanted some pictures. i did go, and i did click some pictures, and i did also feel that i would’ve made a good (photo) reporter. but then, i would never had gone for covering anything if it meant going in the sun, heat, or dust, pollution etc. so there … :)
..and so, so many times i dream, sitting like this, here, at work, any regular, typical work day. that i am sitting on my computer and working, focusing on the keyboard, thinking of the words i am typing, looking, not looking at my two three fingers doing their fastest best on the keypad. i dream of you, standing there, somewhere in the corner, by a wall, a white wall, outlining your silhouette, your child-like aura exentuated by the white, your eyes searching for me, in the office crowd, finding me and then smiling, following me, if i went to the coffee machine to get a tea and some biscuits, smiling, as i gathered more than a handful. i dream of you, sitting right next to me, on the carpeted floor, on your knees, letting me work, but touching my cheeks, softly, kissing my cheeks, trying to reach my lips.
ah! my tummy hurts…
it’s overwhelming, the thought that the strings that tie people to each other, connect them, are so, spider-web thin. a strong breeze can break them and then there is no trace, of anything ever existing between those people. those people who were stuck to each other once, glued, as if their entire beings were merged into one. little did they know, that it was just a soft, thin thread. and it’s broken now, and they are drifting apart, ever apart, shrapnels of the big bang.
get a huge, jute rope, bind me and tie me down love.
it’s really cold here today. damp cold. a friend says that it’s the same in bangalore. whatever happened to global warming.
i am planning to join salsa classes, again, beginners’ level, again. the last time i did, was last year, and i developed multiple joint pains and the bone at the base of my right foot’s toe started pushing an outcrop out, which was painful and scary. so i stopped. or i stopped cos i was lazy, i can’t remember. or it was just a phase of my ailment at that time, i don’t know. i’ll see, if i am motivated enough to go this saturday, i will join. i think:
i will go down with this ship
i won’t put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above door
i’m in love and always will be
~from the song ‘white flag’ by dido.
i’d sung this song in all broken and aweful sounding notes and voice to Shm when we had broken off, rather when he had politely asked me to leave his house, his life. it was late evening i remember, and he was getting late, his girlfriend was waiting for him down below. he was jumpy and wanted to leave. and i just stood there, singing this song. how stupid i must’ve looked. where was cy at that time, i can’t remember, cos i don’t think she was in my arms when i was standing there and singing this song, making a complete ass of myself. sometimes i feel i am such a loser … i mean, i know i am, but sometimes it hits home too hard and i realize it all over again with an unmatched clarity. and silly, very silly. there’s no dearth of embarrassing things i have done in life. it’ll make a nice read though–ridiculously funny–if i can remember and put it all together.
here’s one. but it’s not something i did on purpose, it just happened. so it wasn’t that i embarrassed myself, but the situation was kinda embarrassing. just for the record, here, for one, i did not feel any embarrassment. things happen. i am narrating it here cos it’s gross. :) so there we were, S and I, sitting in one of those road side eating joints off carter road (i used to go there to ogle at cute guys and S used to go there cos she loved being near the sea, well, i love being near the sea also). so there we were, sitting and eating, and chatting. and we both felt that something was missing. so i promptly got up and went and got a vodka bottle, and we started emptying it down. as time rolled on, and we neared the bottom of the bottle, it was there somewhere in the back of my mind that i should stop, that i have reached my limit. if not stop, then rest for a while and resume after some more food or something. but it was the last of the bottle, and we just thought that we will hit bottom bottle, and i picked that glass up, thinking that this is it and then no more, and i just gulped it all down. yeah! i have that bad habit of gulping down drinks. greed is one of the foundation stones of my being. and before i knew it, i puked it all out, drink, food, everything. sitting right there on the table, into this huge empty bowl of steamed, buttered corn. and then i told the waiter, oh good, it’s all in the bowl, and then i puked some more, on the floor. and then i looked at him and went, tut! tut! yeah! it’s hilarious now, but i wasn’t laughing then. S just didn’t know where to look. she just got up and paid and started shoving me off the seat, J let’s go, let’s go J, it’s late, let’s go. did i miss something S?
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hush … shhh … don’t speak. Let me just feel you, your cheek against mine, the rough stubble against my soft skin. How could something so prickly tingle my skin so beautifully, igniting passions and desires that I can never recall, conjure up when I am sitting by myself some lazy afternoon, doing nothing, just thinking about you, trying hard to recall, conjure up those feelings, those sensations I feel when I am with you.
This precious time that we are together and sitting on this sundry rock, my shoulder touching yours, your hand in my hand. We don’t talk, time stands still, it’s as if even the strong, wet monsoon wind quietens down, turns itself into a soft cool breeze and passes us by, softly, on tip-toes, leaving soft moist kisses on our beings. What is it about being with you, that converts my being and cements my faith in a religion that does not exist, not in this world. Am I not scared? Doesn’t the fear of the vast, empty universe hold my step that I take with you walking step-by-step with me?
No, I feel a calm, sitting here with you, on this sundry rock. Two hours feel like minutes and I don’t seem to care if life passes me by like this. Like this, sitting by your side, saying nothing, doing nothing. Hush … shhh … don’t speak …
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for the first time today, i heard in your voice, what i had been wanting to hear always–desire. i loved your words, you mails, you calls, your longings, but there was always something missing. an … element … of truth … maybe? true desire. the desire that comes from deep down, from the abyss of your being, the dark depths, unknown corners of your soul that you fear looking into yourself, for fear of what you might find lurking there. this, this desire came from that place. the desire that gives this moan in my throat a voice. it feeds my own desire and turns me into water, and i spill, all over, into you, onto you … hold me, don’t let me scatter.
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FICTION [M/H contd...]
“Hi!” beamed Madhuri and gave Mukta a big hug. Mukta lived in a flat near the center of the city now. She had started working with a huge finance firm and had moved closer to where all the action was. Madhuri had preferred to stay curled up in her cozy little hole, as she called it.
“I am dying for some chai.” It was a cool evening, and Madhuri wanted something warm and sweet to settle her down. Mukta called for chai from the corner chai wallah. How convenient Madhuri thought; just go to the balcony, wave, make a sign with your fingers telling how many glasses you want, and lo and behold, yummy, well-brewed chai will be at your door step in five minutes.
“You want something to eat? I have some leftover samosas from yesterday. I’ll heat them up for you.” Asked Mukta, knowing that Madhuri liked samosas. Before waiting for an answer, Mukta moved towards the kitchen, to get samosas. “So what brings you to this side of the world? Especially when you had come just two weeks back?” Madhuri hated the crowd and traffic this part of the town and avoided it at all cost. They, Mukta and Madhuri, mostly still met around their old hangouts. The laid-out, cheery places, full of students and young, lost, struggling souls, striving to make a place for themselves in an already over-crowded city. They used to order their respective drinks and just sit and watch, happy couples, content singles, laughing teenagers, giggling girls. It was always refreshing and regenerating after a hard day’s work.
“Nothing.” Said Madhuri out loud, sitting on the hanging cane chair in the balcony. Everyone’s favorite place in Mukta’s house, overlooking a road intersection, and the sea beyond. Sometimes in the night one could see lights from the passing ships. “I wish I could be on one of those ships and sail away, far away, over and beyond the horizon.” Madhuri thought out loud.
“So there is something.” Mukta entered the balcony with the small plate of samosas with smaller samosas in it, and some ketchup. “Sorry, the chutney finished.” She knew Madhuri enjoyed her samosas only with chutney and nothing else. “What, so Harsh didn’t call, hmm? I thought it didn’t matter if he did or didn’t.”
“It doesn’t. And since when did you become such an expert on why I do what. Can’t I come to see you just … ??”
“You darling little selfish girl, yes, I am kind of an expert on you by now.” Mukta couldn’t help smiling.
“No really. I don’t care if he calls or not. I will wonder, of course, but that’s about it. It wouldn’t … kill me or anything like that. No, it’s not that.”
“What then!”
“I called him, yesterday, and a girl picked up the phone. A very pretty sounding girl.”
“So you jealous? Or is your self-esteem at an all time low to worry you about a pretty girl around a guy who don’t really all that much care about.”
“I care about him. As in, I like him of course. He’s a nice guy, good company, great fun to be with most of the times.”
She got up, slowly. “Let’s walk.” She said.
“Why? Sit here a while. We’ll just sit … and do nothing if that’s what you want.” His eyes were still closed. He didn’t to wake up from the dream it seemed.
She caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. “Open your eyes. Come let’s go spalsh in the water. It will be fun.” And she started walking towards the water.
He just sat there. He didn’t think he could get up, not in that condition … not for some minutes at least.
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It was a Friday when they had last met. It is Wednesday today. Madhuri hasn’t met him after that. It is after a long time that they haven’t met for 4 whole days. It was the fifth day today, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. He didn’t understand, but accepted her reluctance, and to her surprise, wasn’t pushing her either to meet. It was things like these that made her wonder if he really did like her. Or maybe that’s just the way he is. A sweet, patient person, that is exactly how is with everybody, anybody. But then, that is a good thing right, to have such a person in one’s life. Especially a girl like herself, Madhuri thought, not so patient and not so thoughtful.
Post last Friday, the weekend was a whirlwind as Madhuri’s childhood friend had come for a visit. She was passing through the city and decided to stop over and spend a couple of days with Madhuri. Monday too was crazy as they had a Tuesday noon deadline at work and she worked pretty late into the night Monday and then again all Tuesday as the deadline had to be stretched till Tuesday evening. Tuesday morning was when Harsh had called; asking is she wanted to meet for a chai. She really was busy and she told him so. She didn’t even have time to talk properly.
So now, in the comparatively relaxed Wednesday afternoon she thought she’ll give him a call, and she did. The phone rang. It kept ringing.
“Hello?” A girl spoke into the phone.
“Uh-huh, I think I got the wrong number. Umm … is Harsh around?”
“Oh yes, he is in the kitchen.” She said cheerfully. “Harsh sweetie. Call for you.”
Click!! Madhuri kept the phone abruptly.
She cut the line. A heat wave that started from her ears spread to her face. She knew they have gone red, her ears, they were so hot. She just sat there for a while. Madhuri tried not to let emotions rule her. She liked to keep a level mind, a cool head. Besides, it wasn’t like she was crazy about the guy. She was just dating him; she had nothing better to do. Or maybe she a sister, or cousin, the girl who picked up the phone, yes, ‘sweetie’ is a very … brotherly/sisterly term. She felt silly now for having kept the phone so. But she didn’t call back. And neither did he. After all he must’ve seen her number in the call list. She had to force herself not to call again.
She spent a weird, confused day and a half, walking about in half daze, half annoyance. She switched on the computer without switching on the power and wondered what was wrong. She made chai for herself without sugar and wondered why it tasted funny. She got on the wrong bus and wondered it was taking the wrong turn. And what shook her skin was when she found herself standing in the middle of the road with a huge, huge bus honking like the heavens have fallen and come to a screeching halt just inches away from her. She knew it then that she needs to start meditating again, or at least start her deep-breathing exercise. She should not let a meaningless (non)relationship that hadn’t reached anywhere, take such ridiculous control of her mind. She called her friend Mukta and went to see her in the evening.
Mukta and Madhuri had been friends for the past four years now. Their friendship started when they started sharing a quaint little place, tucked away in a peaceful corner of the noisy city when Madhuri had just moved to the city. And they both agreed that a huge green M will look beautiful outside the front door, and that’s exactly what they did. They got a custom made M, painted pastel green and hung it on the door. “Don’t you think something is missing?” Madhuri had said. “Like an ‘s or ‘land’? It should be M’s or M Land. Hmm?” “No, it’s fine just the way it is. This way it proclaims that it is the kingdom of M.” Mukta had that calm about her. A surety, a maturity in which Madhuri found many of the answers to her life’s questions. And she needed to talk to Mukta like never before.
The look in her eyes told him that she’d had enough now, that tiredness was seeping in and that he’d soon need to do something …. Anything different, new, so she wouldn’t get and up and want to go back home. They had been redundantly discussing; first people, then genders, and then relationships, for what? To kill time, maybe. Now that they were officially “dating”, were a “pair” in the eyes of their mutual friends, they increased their meetings, their getting togethers after work, on weekends. Both felt obliged to, niether had the heart, or maybe even the strength to question the flow of events, that seemed natural, the done thing. They met, liked each other, had a great couple of first dates, were a hit at that party dancing like drunk, wild animals, their friends cheering them up, teasing them about each other. They had enjoyed that then. The connecting of names, of days, of small routines; the small disrturbance in their set, regular lives was welcome. And so they let it go on. The one call at least a day, on days they didn’t meet; meeting at least five times a week; definitely spending at least one whole day of the weekends together.
And so it was that they were sitting on the beach, in the late evening of a bustling Friday. The shouting, complaining, roaring city was behind them, going about its Friday night business, whatever it did each Friday night. In front of them was the sea, dark, black, and deep. It’s presence felt only by the sound caused by the rush of the waves: the waves coming and going, as if the sea was slowly having sex with the sand layer on the seabed. They sat there for a long time, under the shade of the wall of the big mansion of maybe a crazed millionaire who never even stayed in the beautiful house on the beach; it was dark inside always. The wall, or the walls attached to each other end-to-end, of the various houses and buildings, extended till the eye could see along the entire length of the beach on both sides. It was a big, crowded city after all.
He had said something, and they had both laughed, loudly. And in that laughing, he heaved a little towards her, pressing his shoulder into hers. She quietened suddenly. She knew what he wanted. They had been dating for months now, and everyone in the group knew that he was still a virgin. Her friends insisted that that was the only reason he was going out with her anyways. He was not known as a ladies man, he hated going out, he didn’t enjoy parties so much, and rarely sat through an entire movie. But all that had changed of late. He took her out regularly, she loved going to movies, and now apparently he did too, he got tickets of the latest shows without even her asking, and in the city party circuit, their was a new animal in town. That, in fact, had what further pushed her closer to him. She loved to party, to go out, watch movies, but did that mostly with her friends. Among the boys, she was known as, plain Jane. She wasn’t beautiful, or sexy, or had a great body, no, and it wasn’t just that. She didn’t even try to look any of that. Most times, she was devoid of any make-up, she was mostly dressed in jeans and a cotton kurti or tee, and old, worn out sneakers, and she kept her shoulder length hair plaited back tight.
He let his hand fall on hers. She felt a tingle in her heart and in her tummy, just below the belly button. She didn’t move her hand. She let it lay there, the backs of their hands touching. She has noticed that in all their times out, he behaved in a very proper way, a thorough gentleman as a matter of fact. He’d never tried to hold her hand, or try and do something naughty in the darkness of the theaters. And she too never encouraged any such advances on her behalf. But tonight, she felt something was amiss, it was different, his behavior. She detected it in the early evening itself when they both entered their favorite bar and he put his hand behind her waist, just that this was no casual,‘let’s go in’, she’d felt a definite pressure. His fingers had pressed at her waist and stayed there a while, making the soft cotton shirt she was wearing brush against her softer skin. She’d enjoyed it, but didn’t read into it much. Then at the bar, after about a couple of beers, he had really let his hair down and he had got off the bar chair he was sitting on started moving to the music. The DJ had been playing hard rock all evening. The music had been working on her mind and making her want to sway to the rhythm and grind her body into someone else’s. So she told herself to be extra careful. She didn’t want to go that way with him, not yet at least. And then they had played her favorite tune. The high octave of the guitar and the fast, awesome percussion of the drums made her swirl around her bar stool, raise her arms and let her mind wander off somewhere near the ceiling. Before they realized, he was standing between her legs and they were both dancing to the beats, feeling the beer run in their blood and a heat run up their veins. He dancing to the beat on his feet and she swaying to the charisma of the evening perched on the bar stool, theirs faces close to each other. For a split second then she had wanted to give in. She lifted her hand and caressed his neck. Her cold fingers, touching his flushed skin, sent a shiver down his spine and he felt a weakening in his stomach. He turned, helplessly, towards her and his mouth almost touched hers. She turned, and shook it off. He went back on his stool and ordered another round.
The walk to the beach had been his idea. His flatmate was out, for some meeting in another city. And he hated the idea of spending Friday night all alone, watching TV, or flipping through playboy. She relented. She loved the sea, the only reason she had moved to this city, to be near the sea. She never said ‘no’ to going to the beach.
He moved his hand and turned towards her, bringing his face closer to hers, and she lifted herself up off the wall, “look, I think I saw the cops jeep”.
“No. It’s nothing. And they just went 5 minutes back. They won’t be back for at least half hour now. Just relax.”
“You’ve been trying to relax me for the past two hours now.”
He gazed in the opposite direction. “I am not trying anything. I really had fun this evening. I thought you were enjoying too.”
“Yes, I was. I still am.” She looked smiling, at the back of his head. She couldn’t resist the urge to run her fingers through his hair. So she did, very gingerly, cupped the back of his head. Before she knew it, he turned his head and kissed her lips. And he wouldn’t let go. She didn’t either. He opened his mouth and his tongue tucked at her lips, her teeth and her tongue. They were completely into each other now, like kids sucking an ice candy.
“Hold it.” And she pulled herself back, savoring his taste in her mouth.
For a whole minute they just sat there, looking in opposite directions, listening to the wind blowing in their ears, waves crashing on the beach.
“I love the smell of garlic on my fingers.” She said, still looking away.
“What?” He turned his head and studies her profile, her face looking away into the night. Her neck looked so supple, and inviting, he wanted to sink his teeth into it.
She looked at him then, straight into his eyes. “Garlic” she said smiling. “I love garlic. Did you know that about me?” And she kept looking into his eyes, for the first time she felt she was really looking at him.
He couldn’t take his eyes off her lips, as she spoke, and then as she sat looking at him, waiting for him to answer. And this time, she kissed him, fully on his lips, sucking like one would a ripe mango. Her friends’ warnings rang in her head, “That’s all he wants.”
“Who cares.” She thought, and then took her own sweet time licking his lips and sucking his mouth.
He gasped. His breathing first seized, and then fastened, as if his breaths had no idea where to run, what to do. His hands had lost all power, so they lay there, limp, by his sides. All the power it seemed had gone out of his limbs and was focusing on one place, and it hurt, it hurt bad. A loud moan escaped his mouth, giving her mouth to dive in deeper, suck on his tongue, pull it out of his system she was sucking it so hard.
Her hand went down to his trouser. As a mere reaction he convulsed and jumped back. She was breathing like she had just come back from a race. He could see her breasts going up and down with each breath. As a matter of fact, that was all his eyes could see. And then he gave up all etiquettes and just stared. At her heaving breasts, at the nipple that had started showing through her kurti, loud and clear, as if calling out his name.
She got up and first took her shoes
i know i was having really nice dreams, coz both the times that i woke up, i had to literally tear myself away, first due to a full bladder pounding my entire lower abdomen, and the second time, because it was time to wake up. i really wanted to, jump right back in. and what’s .. frustrating is, i just can’t remember what the dreams were, or the dream was, if it was one. except that there was rahul bose in the second one. how weird. why would my mind be conjuring up rahul bose’s image? i was watching this interesting documentary on the discovery channel earlier in the day on how they make durga murtis before durga puja in kolkata. hmmm…
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i just killed a huge cockroach. for a split second, i felt like, i have taken a life, a beautiful, purposeful life, wasted at my hands. why? just because it scared me. i felt so … so shitty. why just a minute ago i’d wanted to … kill it, with all my might. i still feel bad though. i wish, there was something i could do but kill it, or kill any of them. how do i tell them not to enter my kitchen, my home. ** sigh ** forgive me God, dear universe, uniprose maybe.
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more than 13 years back, when our beautiful relationship of “true love” was coming to an (agonizing) end, he, my first boyfriend, said something very profound, and touching. it touches me even today, that one sentence of his: “if i can live without you for 2 days, i can live without you forever.” so filmy no, but it’s a beautiful, original line. hmmm….
i wonder when cy grows up and goes off, if i will feel … alone. i was talking to this .. friend, last evening, over dinner when this conversation came up. she said that she needs to get married soon. and then she asked me if i feel … alone. i cheerly said a loud ‘no’; cy was sitting right by my side and i have never been gladder. well i have, but i was rather glad then too. but now i wonder if i will .. feel alone. it sends shivers down my spine though, the thought of sharing my room, my bathroom, my space with another adult. it will be nice if one could “be” with someone who stays in their own apartment, right next door maybe, a mama apartment and a daddy apartment. hmmm …
i hope i have enough money then, to travel, when i am 45-47.
Nivedita needs help. Please let’s get together and make life a little better, for her, for all of us …
http://nivedita.indialivenews.com/
i don’t remember the last time i felt so shitty, completely down in the dumps. why in the morning for a split second i thought that i’d be ready to give anything to go back to pune. then my (sub) conscious asked, “this job?”, and i firmly said, “no”. ** sigh **
hmmm … i just finished the book Mystic River by Dennis Lehane. i thoroughly enjoyed it. awesome story and very well written.
in my early 20s, i’d wanted to paint, become an artist. i did start a bit … and i wasn’t too bad .. really. not great or anything, but i think my strokes had potential.
in India, of what i have seen, mothers and sons share a weird relationship. it most probably stems from the fact that in most Indian homes, women, their opinions, their ideas, likes-dislikes etc are rarely given respect, or even acknowledgment. so maybe as a result most mothers start grinding all their desires and dreams into this one little male who becomes the center of their universe. he becomes the mothers’ friend, confidant, the one person the mother turns to in times of (emotional) need and support, like you would to a loved pet in a bustling household of individuals who do not care about your feelings. the sons in turn grow up used to being the center of the universe, being mothered, rather smothered, expecting the same in their adult relationships, baffling girl friends and wives and lovers.
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it had seemed good at that time; the decision to move to hyderabad. i was rotting in the job i was doing then, and this seemed like an awesome opportunity. it truly is, i love the work here. if only it was in pune. ** sigh ** whoever said that hyderabad is a “great place” just does not know any better. and those are exactly the kind of people i listened to and firmed my decision to move. yes, i blame it all on them.
i had an interesting dream last night. some time back i had had a fiery encounter .. of the carnal kinds, with this guy. really .. awesome; super chemistry. it was … perfect. last night, in my dream, i was in a car with this guy. his car, apparently, and he was in the driver’s seat. but it seems like i wasn’t talking to him, as in i didn’t wanna talk to him. it was very symbolic and obvious, the way i was sitting. i was completely squashed to my side of the door as if he is the plague. there was a huge empty space between the two of us in the front seat. and suddenly he starts driving too fast, like a maniac. and at one signal (there’s a yellowish light all around) he almost bangs the car into the traffic coming from the other side. and suddenly i overcome my desire to not talk to him and ask him something. i can’t remember what it was, but it was something like, “did we plan this? did we talk about this meeting? i can’t remember, i tend to forget sometimes certain parts of my life.” strange, but interesting.
the other dream was completely about the current depressing situation of no sul and loads of mess and dirt and general disorder in the house. i dreamt that mom had come over, or i was in delhi, with mom in the house and a very old house maid of long time back, Mer working on cleaning a lot of mess all around the house.
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on another note, i like soup. clear (any), with loads of vegetable pieces, semi-cooked, floating in it, with a coupla spinach leaves. hmmm… some corn too maybe. no egg.
why do all kids (generally) hate vegetables? here’s cy’s reason for not eating the nutritional stuff. this is what she had to say when i told her that if she does eat vegetables she will not be able to grow:
“i don’t want to grow up, because i don’t want you to die, so i won’t eat vegetables.”
hehe … cutsiepie. :)
ah! i so wanna cut my hair short. crew-cut short.
i wonder if i should be doing something right now. maybe i was meant to do something .. on this Earth, and in my lazy, conceitedness i didn’t … or am not doing … hmmm ….. dats one problem with not being a … a passionate person. you are not passionate about anything, so of course there’s nothing much you wanna do in life, but just … watch it pass you by. :) .. not a bad idea, only if i had a cute li’l cottage and enough money to bid the time .. ** sigh **
i was thinking about daniel craig last evening. that if i do “settle down” in life, i’d like to do it with someone like him. he seems like the kinda guy who can cook and is caring. and with those looks, just about everything i want in a guy. :)
i will be a good mommy and cook today. we will (try and) not eat out. :) i’ll show her; mom can cook.
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if i could, i would, spend most part of my life just sitting, by the sea, or on a mountain, under a huge tree…
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i am truly depressed now. sul should’ve been here monday, and she called to say that she will be arriving sat. i just talked with her son and he told me that apparently the train has been canceled again. i have been trying to call railways inquiry but am not getting through. i’ll keep trying. *sigh* i wonder if someone will raise an objection if i getting her to work after her school at 3 everyday, like i have been doing for the past 4 days. truly depressing :( … and all that mess in the house and the laundry piling up. ah!!!
can someone please come over for a week or so .. :(
in the morning today, there was a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. and i was humming the lines from that Guide song: jaaney kya pa key meri zindagi ne, hans kar kaha, ahaha .. ha .. aaaa. :) [don't know what it found, my life, and it laughed out loud, ahaha .. ha .. aaaa]
now, i am just too cold. they should consider the outside temperatures going somewhat down and accordingly increasing the temperature inside office. it’s uncomfortably cold and i am not sure why the morning cheer seems absent somehow.
i had been feeling good since yesterday. just like that. must be the woman cycle something thing. but suddenly now i feel … reflective. thinking about things. needless thinking, as i know and realize well and that there will be no action on those thoughts. cos i am not thinking to act, or desiring to act. i am just thinking, about things, how some things are redundant, but one lets them go on. one should let everything .. go on. one doesn’t know when trying to stop a going-on might interfere with the cosmic cycle, creating an imbalance in the general order of things.
cy gave me such a warm hug in the morning today, before boarding her school bus. i was so … touched. wo subah to paas-paas thee, wo abhi bhi kareeb hai. this song takes me someplace else, ‘wo shaam kuchh ajeeb thee…’ from the movie khamoshi.
the last time i fell in love (the ridiculous you-are-mine-i-am-yours sorts) was when i was between jobs around the year 98-99, i guess. it was an amazing, unique, intense, and a very short-lived experience. sex was not it, it wasn’t that great, mostly because it didn’t matter actually; that was not the focus, not at all. it was that strange attraction, a binding force that i had felt, like its physically there, between us, me and him, that guy. and the day it got over, i felt it; something missing inside of me, in my heart. so i called him and asked, ‘you didn’t think of me today’, and for the first time he replied, ‘no actually, i was busy’, and i knew it, that its over. and i was ok. it didn’t matter. sure i was … sad, and eventually a bit angry, but it took me not more than 2 weeks to be back to normal, like nothing ever happened, and the experience got logged into my memory archives as just another occurence, or event in life. we saw each other for exactly 2.5 months. i think that one experience, and i am thankful for it, took me closer to the realization that nothing really matters (something i had always known in the back on my mind, the arrogant, conceited, know-all me). i like this song, ‘it doesn’t really matter’ by george michael. there is no point in starting something, invest in it, time and emotions, for it all to not mean anything at all some day, suddenly. and you wouldn’t even feel anything, any loss, nothing. maybe just an annoying emptiness, that everyone can do very well without.
i feel very uncommunicative today.
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we (cy and i) got up at 5:25 today, had breakfast, got cy bathed and ready, and then had mama bathed and ready, went to the bus stop for the school bus and officially started the day. we had a morning meeting with our boss in the US at 9:30, for about an hr and a half. i guess i lost it there–the good cheer. it started with an extremely annoying pain in my left wrist, i guess due to the cold, and then the uncomfortable cold itself. and it slowly spread to the rest of my body, the annoying feeling, leaving me annoyed, and then just … pissed off i guess. it does that to me, physical discomfort. any negative physical sensation affects my psyche and my ensuing mood terribly making me react badly, snap, get irritated, or just … dunno… and i feel it now. the puffiness in my face, the tiredness in my shoulder area, the sleep in my head, stuffed like huge cotton bundles in a small sack. it’s bulging with it, as if, my head … and my aching wrist … F***!!!
i wonder what the symptoms of low self esteem are. veer mentioned once that maybe i suffer from it. i’ll google it.
i just did–google the symptoms of low self esteem. it’s simply shocking. here’s what i found here, http://www.personalgrowthplanet.com/selfesteem/SymptomsOfLowSelfEsteem.htm:
1. Not spending very much time living in the present moment [i do not have THIS problem :)]
2. Always wanting something you don’t have or something that’s out of reach [i do this a lot]
3. Doing things to undermine your success or the success you thing you should be having [OMG, i do this all the time]
4. Putting yourself down and making comments, even in your mind, like “I don’t deserve” or “I’ll never have” [holy cow, i do this too]
5. Avoiding real intimacy [i guess the idea of "intimacy" differes .. hehe :)]
6. Busyness-Always keeping busy so you don’t have to look at your underlying self esteem issues and challenges [hmmm... i did always prefer having a full-time job as opposed to working from home, even when i did have a chance. but keeping busy? hmm .. i don't know ...]
7. Job-Hopping [not so much now]
8. Addictions [hmmm....]
hmmm……
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right now, this very moment, i feel there is nothing more beautiful than to rest my head right next to cheese breath. :)
i have been feeling so, so sleepy since our return. monday was definitely not my day. we missed the 6:20 am connecting flight from mum. though i am sure jet airways had known that we will (the time it takes to clear through all gates and then reach domestic from the int airport), and hence had very sweetly asked us to collect baggage when we got off at mum, when it was supposed to have gone directly to hyd. anyways, they were sweet enough to re-schedule us for a 8 am flight, which we took and reached hyd at 9:30; there was about a 25 mins delay in take-off, otherwise it only takes an hr. as expected, in the house, everything was covered in dust and the kitchen and fridge were completely empty. thankfully, cy dozed off as she hadn’t slept through the night. sul called in the afternoon to inform that apparently the train she was supposed to catch had been canceled (she went to kolkata for the 15 days we were out), so she won’t be reaching that day. bummer!! and the next day was cy’s first day at school. that means get her ready, get myself ready, drop her off at bus stop after b’fast, and then pick her up from school and come back to work with her. ah! it sounded simple enough, though a lot of effort was involved. but one has to take into account the completely screwed sleep cycle due to all night pillow fights with cousins. so on reaching home in hyd and dozing off at 10, cy woke up at 6 pm on monday. went to bed again around 12 am in the night. got up at 3:30 am tuesday, we both ate and went off to spend our respective days at school and work. when i picked her up at 2:45 pm and got her to my office, she needed sleep. by 4:30, she tried to doze off on the chair. she couldn’t. she promptly propped herself in my lap and dozed off, my colleagues telling me this cabin has a sofa that cabin has a couch. oh well, who’s gonna wake this tasmanian devil up to walk down. she just wouldn’t get up, and i tried to work with one hand somehow. eventually at 5:30 she dragged herself off me when i told her that everyone has left and that they are going to lock the office and us in it. we reached home, crying and cribbing and really cranky, didn’t buy anything–veggies, bread, milk–and she plonked on the bed and slept. thankfully, she slept like a log and got up at 4:30 this morning. sul too called up last evening saying that she will be here sat eve. lets see how today goes. tomorrow i’ll leave earlier and take her straight home and maybe work from home for the rest of the day. i am so out of touch with cooking. plus all the dirty laundry that has collected. hmmm…
of late i have been feeling weirdly displaced. it’s strange that i, yet, have not been able to completely settle down in hyd. though now i don’t feel so miserable anymore, there are still things of mine that have not been truly unpacked and placed in the new “home” appropriately. what’s even more weird is the speed at which time is flying by .. zooming past. it’s not funny, not anymore. since mid last year, there just has been a lot to do, and some months when i didn’t have so much to do, the months as a whole passed me by even before i could put my feet up and relax. i feel … cheated.
some days back i was feeling miserable (just a little), thinking about how nice it’d be if i could just keep on staying at my parents. i had cy with me, everything i need in this world. where was the need to go back. that thought made me wonder if i am unhappy with my own life, maybe tired. yes, i think tired. in pune, i was very relaxed, content. it actually felt like i was on a holiday, as i loved the place i lived in. irrespective of how my day went at work, in the evenings, it was heaven, each day when i walked back home. that road, those beautiful trees, that breeze that always indicated that i am near home. but here, the days feel like, dunno, something that i gotta do. though i love coming to office and it is here, in the office space that i feel a bit .. rested.
i am reading a nice book aajkal that my niece Bu gave me as she didn’t like it much, it’s not her cuppa tea. the name of the book is Mystic River, and it is written by (so the cover claims) Dennis Lehane.
after a long, long time, i saw a dream last night that i remember, somewhat. i was at this place before, where i have been earlier, in a dream, some time back. i don’t if you remember i once had this dream about going to this place that had lions. i was in the same, or similar place. rather, in the dream, i have just moved to this new house, and AT LAST, i am happy. though it’s not great, but it’s what i have always wanted. a small, peaceful (independent unit) place, where the back door opens to this, green, treeyee place, with lots open space and plants and trees. cy runs out (my mom is there too), and i quickly go after her and get her back telling her about the lions and that it’s not safe and that she should remain indoors esp after sundown. and then in the dream later i even see a couple of lions roaming about. the second lion was funny, he was wearing big glasses on his eyes, big, bushy mane and all. :) …i have always wanted to live in a house near the edge of a forest on (or very near) the mountains, or a house on a cliff by the sea.
though i was looking foward to return, but now that the day is so near–tomorrow–i feel … ummm … like i wish i could stay a little longer. :) and there’s this mall i have fallen in love with. not the way a person loves a place of entertainment, but more like how a person slowly, gradually falls in love with a place of abode. i love that place; the al wahda mall. it’s very near where my parents live, and it was the first mall i visited on my visit here. i will try and go there tomorrow, for the last time ** sigh **, as our flight is late in the night. i will miss that mall. and i will miss these days, for some days at least. the sleepy mornings, the lazy afternoons, the running-around-the-malls evenings, the cinnabon buns, the dunken donuts, the hommos laden .. anything, and my all time favorite falafels. i am 60 kgs .. again. hmmm….