i love the smell of garlic on my fingers. i can munch on and eat whole cloves with roti till the pungent juices start stinging my tongue and the insides of my mouth. and the taste of scrambled eggs is so incomplete if i don’t first fry a decent load of thin yummy slices of garlic first in the oil. and since i don’t have any person in my life who will randomly grab me and pull my mouth closer to his/her nose/mouth area, i don’t need to worry about constantly giving off garlic fumes from my oral orifices–when at home. i feel liberated.

note: people with heat problems might want to stay from egg-garlic combination.

what’s the point though, if I won’t know when it will end … which it will … suddenly, or not … but it will …

i’ve never really oggled at … cars. yes, cars. but the first thing that my tired eyes noticed and got a fresh, very fresh lease of new energy, just as my body stepped out of the abu dhabi airport was .. cars. :) and each one more beautiful, more .. awe inspiring than the other. i have come here after about 7 years, and before that i have made frequent-infrequent visits since i was about 11, but i wonder why i missed the most passion inspiring marvel of modern day inventions.

the ferraris, the porsches, the so many oooh models of toyota, mitsubishi, and nissan that i didn’t even know existed. and… hmmm…

my soul has learnt a new mantra that i am sure will make me one with the universe …

hummmmmm…….mmmmer!!! :)

and the malls … well, that’s another storey; better told in pictures. 7 years is a long time, a life-time, i realize…

thought for the day:
one would not mind marrying a sheikh, or even a regular, rich UAE arab. one also would not mind not stepping out of the palace, or a regular mansion, but just to step out for some shopping to this ridiculously humangous mall or that every other day.

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and i changed my mind about something. i’ve always gone in favor of being rich and not famous, if ever the good universe presents me with a choice. i think a part of me is changing sides; that part would like to be famous …

my 2 weeks holiday starts today … yey!!! :)

ah! the agony. i have been trying since last evening to get a number for the railway inquiry but haven’t been able to. the general enquiry number 131 is so difficult to use as it can only be used through a government phone connection, and i haven’t seen a lot of those around here. i see all private phone company connections around me.

the indian railways site does not have ONE number that one can contact then on in case one needs some information. on clicking one link after another, i reached here http://scrailway.gov.in/web/telephon.htm where the presence of all these friggin nos, to a person who just wants to know if a particular train is running or not, is so pointless. ah! the agony. none of the numbers i got from the just dial service do not work either. i think i’ll just go to the station. it is so bloody far off. ah!
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i finished brida (paulo coelho). i wouldn’t say disappointing, but it turned out to be more like a .. short story. it doesn’t satisfy one’s thirst to read a ‘novel’. its a novella, priced like a novel.

>>written with a pen during a training program< <

in writing i write and i try to find out the words, maybe the images, visions of what i look for. maybe i don’t, look for anything. maybe my fingers just perceive the pen and are not able to resist the urge to place it between themselves and then push it up and slide it down on the smoothness of a white, lined sheet.

listening to this right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O-cBVzJY-4 (sorry, you’ll have to copy+paste the link in your browser. somehow, when i try to create the link it makes the entire ensuing text hot)

beautiful lyrics, so … heartfelt, most beautiful music, beautiful, beautiful composition, sung to perfection.

i have just started reading the book brida by paulo coelho, and i am really enjoying it. though somehow i don’t believe in all that soulmate **** anymore (i do believe in soulmates, but not the way (most) ‘people’ describe it … so confidently), but i am really enjoying it. as i have mentioned it n times earlier, paulo coelho is a very good story teller. and i love ‘listening’ to stories. one of these days, i will write here my interpretation of (my) thoughts on soulmates.

i feel bored today. not the i-don’t-have-anything-to-do-today bored, but a sad bored, a … frustrated bored. since yesterday i have been feeling really stupid about things that i do, stupid, entirely brain-not-utilized decisions i make. like paying 86K for cy’s school. i could’ve, rather should’ve looked around for a cheaper option. but i got swayed in by all the stupid shit emotional banter in my head that i wanna get nothing but the best for my darlin. best .. huh!! it’s FIRST grade, like it matters at that level. so of course now if i wanna leave from here and go back to pune i won’t … 86 ******* K. what was i thinking. yes, i wasn’t thinking.

sometimes i feel that i am just plain crazy. not crazy as in a raving lunatic or something (i am not being judgmental here about crazies), just … not balanced. maybe there is some chemical imbalance there in the squirmy grooves on my squilshy brain. maybe medication can help.

everytime i listen to bluffmaster songs now i think of the pune-mumbai volvo bus rides. the volvo buses (please stick to MSRTC if wanna take a volvo bus) on the pune-mumbai route put these movies on the way, or at least the music is always on. i don’t know but i think i was doing some bit of up and down around the time this movie was playing. it’s a nice li’l 3-4 hr journey (2.5 hr if u’re in a fast car) between pune and mumbai.
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and how about this for a political party; SLF–the sexual liberation front. ‘front’ hohohohohoho!!! :D
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>>FICTION< <

she wasn’t sure, what to do, how to react. although she had been waiting for this moment, like, for centuries now, but suddenly she was her dumb, non-thinking self. at the moment when she was required to take action, take charge, lunge, do something, anything, she just stood there, smiling, waiting to be seated, or asked if she would like to have tea maybe. the past four days she’d spent, thinking about him, meeting him, being in close physical proximity of that … that body, that made her lose balance. even in her thoughts it had such a strange, strong effect on her that she used to start flushing and sweating irrespective of where she was. why just the other day she was in this training session and a thought of him flashed in her mind and she just blanked out. she wasn’t in the training room anymore, but in his arms, holding him tight, feeling his skin on her lips. she was so embarrassed when the trainer had asked her a question and then smiled knowing very well that he had lost her there for some time.

they had planned this rendezvous after a lot of deliberation. with his busy schedule and her packed days, and both of their respective families, it was difficult to be able to spend more than 2 hrs together, which, by now, they had both come to agree were just not enough. so they decided on going out for the night, to start with. away from their .. homes, away from the city they lived in, away from the constant calls, the worries, the banters. and so they did. he reached first, and got the room, and waited for her. she had volunteered to do that, but he insisted, saying that he just wanted to make sure for himself that everything is alright. he was paranoid that way, always cautious, on alert. she found it rather, cute. she was completely opposite, not caring, trusting even the most ferocious looking dogs on the street. and so it was, that he reached an hour earlier, paid for the room, went in, checked the door and the windows, the bathroom, eyed the boy who’d come to show him into the room suspiciously, did not tip him and curtly closed the door when the disappointed boy left. and then he sat and waited. he wanted to take his clothes off, for her. he knew she liked to see him naked in bed, waiting, for her. but he decided against it. what if someone else knocked on the door; better be prepared for all eventualities: in omnia paratus, his favorite words, tattooed on her top back just under the base of her neck, ‘always prepared’. he didn’t know what it was about her, but he could never be sure what she was feeling; happy, sad, nothing, something. he really wished that if only she could keep on speaking her mind, all the time, like the radio that is always on. because he knew that a lot is getting relayed, but he could just not switch it on.

and so it was, at that moment, when she stepped in the room, a bit unsure, giggling, and then she just stood there, looking at him, smiling, as if, as if waiting to be seated, or asked if she’d like some tea maybe. he just pulled the bag off her shoulder, threw it on the neat bed, and hugged her. held her, tight, as if he hadn’t seen her in ages. it surely did feel like an age, these past four days since they last met on Tuesday evening. and then she did it again. she gave him a friendly hug, a warm squeeze, and then giggled something in his ear, something unclear, nervous, hesitant.

“what”, he asked her, holding her still.

“nothing, nothing at all” she tightened her grip, that’s all. he let her go, maybe she needs some moments, to relax. this place is pretty far off, and he knew how much she hates traveling in the city traffic. “you got some beer?” she said, still smiling her sunshine smile.

“so now you want beer to relax with me?” there was nothing but love in his eyes, that looked straight into hers.

“no silly”. he knew she behaved this way only when she was not sure of herself. “no silly” she repeated, “i just feel a little, stressed. yes, that’s what it is, plain stress. you know how it is how it is at work. and then this long ride here. it took me a good two hours, can you believe it? i so wanted to close my eyes and doze off, but the back seat was so uncomfortable.”

he went and sat on the bed, reaching for the small fridge that lay on the other side of the bed, looking for a beer. he will let her unwind.

she came and stood by his side. she was feeling silly indeed. further still for acting so silly. she took a deep breath and told herself that she needs to get a grip. that she’d been waiting for this moment, to be with HIM, this guy, not anyone else, and that this is what she had been working towards for some days now. in her thoughts, in her dreams, in her plans for the days. this indeed IS reality. she bent a little and hugged him from behind … and closed her eyes. yes, indeed, this was reality. what she was holding in her arms, what she had been wanting for the past four days now.

written on june 14th night, waiting for friends to turn up, far away from home, from my sleeping darling li’l angel

it’s truly flabbergasting … for someone who likes to read the last pages of a novel first, to not know what’s going to happen next, in life. i had thought i’d given it up, or rather, my mind had given it up, conjuring up this redundant , pointless question, “what next?”. why, just yesterday, and even today morning , i was so … chirpy, happy in the knowledge that, ‘here i am, this is me; there’s nowhere else in world i’d rather be’. i truly was, happy, at peace, knowing very well that it’s just a perception, but happy still, comfortable, and at last at home with the perception. and now, now, i am not home, far from “at home”, ‘where i am, who is this’…

afterall that is what it is: happiness; it is a perception, a state of being created due to how the mind perceives a set of environmental parameters. and there is a way, a technique, a scientific procedure, to maintain that … illusory effect, happiness. when in pune, just because everything (mostly) was the way i like it, superficially, completely superficially–the trees, the birds, the green, the hills, the trees :)–i was happy. though my fundamental life, like my baby, my job etc were the same, as always, as they have been since forever now it seems. but now in the new place, the fundamental life contents still being the same, i am, rather was not, some days back, happy. it was because, i, my psyche, got swayed in by the superficial. the rocky, barren landscape had started to reflect in my life mirror, and that’s exactly how life has started to seem to me.

i modify my words, my thoughts, from what i had mentioned earlier. sex is not overrated, but over .. abused, as a literally term and as a practice. one big reason might be because most of us are not satisfied. not just sexually, but maybe in many other parts of day-to-day life. and in not having it, the way, or the amount we want it, it might be anything, we start … fantasizing. the mind starts perceiving sex, how it could be, should be, and maybe even is … if only i had it. comprende?
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am listening to this beautiful song right now:

mat khel jal jayegi, kehti hai aag mere mun kee
mein bandini piya kee, mein sangini hoon sajan kee
mera khinchti hai aanchal…

today is friday the 13th. i just like the sound of it. :) i saw (later) half of the movie om shanti om last night. i liked it. it’s good entertainment. and that’s what cinema should be about; entertainment. :) that’s why ‘performers’ do well in india, and not so many ‘actors’, or actors that can perform well. i wanted to be a performer, but since i do it each waking moment, the need to go and actually ‘do’ it never occurred i guess. :) besides i am not a … passionate person, or really serious about anything in life, hence i never pursued a “career”. well, if i had to pursue a career, i would’ve been a travel journalist/writer, or definitely a travel show host. :)

the last time i was really, really bored, and had nothing at all to do with my time, i ended up having a ‘boy-friend’, an event that snowballed, rather led to a life-altering chain of events. maybe my life did need some alteration at that time. a couple of things i regret not doing. one of them is this: i had gone for an audition to this place; now i don’t remember if it was a theater workshop or they were a commercial group or something. i passed the (video) audition but when they called me for the meeting, i declined, i don’t recall why. life would certainly have been different if i had gone for that meeting. afterall it’s not all pre-ordained. there are abundant choices scattered all over and you decide your own lifepath, maybe not exact destiny as i feel that might be pre-ordained, based on what you pick and chose, where. though i am certainly glad and happy about where i am right now … and with who i am. :)

i even remember the exact moment, about the event that i mention in line 1 above. i was pacing up and down the veranda of the house in SV, delhi, thinking what to do. and i thought of him. i had met him, rather mysteriously, some months back. we dated a few times and then lost touch. and that day, the day i was so bored i was ravenously looking for something to do, anything, this thought struck my mind. that i will go dig for his number and call him. and i did exactly that. now here’s what’s weird. he did remember me, but didn’t show much interest in seeing me again. he didn’t even call me back. and i acted like this psycho, loser woman from hell and started chasing him. and when that chase became a part of my life, i didn’t realize. and then, one day, i just … woke up, and went, “what the …”

veer and i used to hog on (indian) french toasts and this egg-bread khichdi i used to make all the time then. for that ‘khichdi’ (to serve 1), just take 2 bread slices, dip in water one at a time, squeeze the water out and then sprinkle the soggy bread crumbs on the flat of the frying pan with about a tablespoon of oil. fry lightly and then pour 2 eggs over it. mix them well with a spatula until eggs are cooked to preference. beat the eggs with salt, or anything you want to put and keep them ready beforehand.

since yesterday i have not been able to think of one good, nice thing about myself. i am mean, thoughtless, very, very selfish and self absorbed and i snap, and don’t snap according to my convenience. i am such a low … human being. i am so, so ashamed of myself. the only way is to … just go somewhere and jus … sit quietly for the end to come … an end to this miserable, pathetic state of being..

what’s utterly and truly disgusting is that i am fine with myself … just fine.

last night … rather towards the morning … i dreamt that i am make porn movies and am very successful doing that…

last night at around 11:15 pm, watching the movie Power Rangers (one of cy’s fav fictional characters):

cy: mom, i want to become a power ranger.

me: for that you have to eat loads of vegetables, spinach, fruits, have milk and become very strong.

cy: i just need to act.

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thanks M for tagging me. here goes:

I am: typing out here on my blog page.

I think: i’d like to have something sweet.

I know: i should not be having anything sweet.

I want: a small piece of vanilla white cake maybe?

I have: just had a not good, but satisfying lunch.

I wish: my tummy wasn’t protruding the way it is now.

I hate: i try not to ‘hate’.

I miss: nothing, right now. though some days back i was dearly missing pune.

I fear: nothing as of now.

I feel: dehydrated.

I hear: tibet has been freed. yeah??

I smell: nothing at all. the ACs here at work are working just fine.

I crave: nothing really … it’s ok if i don’t get some sweet.

I search: for a better place to stay in here in hyd, though not actively.

I wonder: when i will have sex … its been … ages.

I regret: a hell lot of things.

I love: my li’l darling angel. :)

I ache: i think in my back.

I care: for my li’l daling angel.

I am not: a nice person i feel.

I believe: i need to retire and go hit some beautiful beach.

I dance: when i am happy.

I sing: in my heart, every single moment of my life.

I cry: during mushy movies.

I don’t always: act selflessly, rather never i think.

I fight: a lot with the auto rikshaw guys. i need to practice self-restraint.

I write: never. always type. :)

I win: love.

I lose: money.

I never: think about what i am saying.

I always: make an ass of myself.

I confuse: most of em.

I listen: yes, i do.

I can usually be found: with my darling li’l angel.

I am scared: of not having any money.

I need: to be disciplined.

I am happy about: everything.

I imagine: :) … i better not put it here.

these past few days, the varied emotions, feelings, nothingnesses i have been feeling, has been amazing. i tried, but failed to articulate them into words. as a matter of fact, i failed to articulate them, even in my thoughts. i just feel, sometimes this, at other times that, and then it goes away, scoots, before i can place a finger on it. before i can touch and exactly feel what it is. it vanishes.

in that sense traveling is good for the soul. not traveling, as in vacationing. but uprooting oneself from where one lives and .. moving on. for one, it exposes one to different set of feelings. now i am not sure how good this move will turn out to be, because i was definitely in a better place mentally, physically, emotionally when i was in pune. i was at peace and content; a content writer (thanks to someone who’s conversations i eavesdropped on). :) now i am not all that positive, but i am definitely feeling different … feelings. not so great, but different. and what is good is that i am trying to get a hold on them, and not just go … pufffffttttt!!!

like for example, i don’t feel like blogging anymore, since i have arrived here in hyd. but i … try and go on. i haven’t read a book also ever since. and i think its good. earlier, it was a dependence i had developed, on books. i needed one to feel good in bed before i dozed off. but now i am able to sleep just fine without one. hmmm….

and another thing i think i am getting clarity on. that i am fine, just fine the way i am. i, we, don’t need a daddy afterall.

people of the world, i hereby declare: Daddies are not important, not needed really. (i love mine though :))

veer, just that, suddenly i wish there was someone i could talk to. someone who would understand my jokes, and retort equally ridiculously. ** sigh ** i miss my friends. veer and i? well, we’d never even have to say it out … we’d just look at each other and burst out laughing … :) ..and the eggs .. wow! i haven’t had those many eggs again ..

i feel like dancing today. haven’t done that in … years. wow! i feel fat … and the thought makes me sick.

my chhutti got approved. there, another beautiful example of how UNPLANNED my life, this life, this universe is. :) …and it makes way ..
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it seems like getting out of pune has shot me into another plane. plane of … a weird, contorted, reality? ..which is unnecessary and not needed, or a plane of … perception, which again might be reality. everyone’s individual set of perceptions their own personal reality.

someone had told me that nuns are christ’s brides. is it? so it’s like krishna then. he too had many wives .. :)

i dedicate these (bob marley’s) words to my li’l angel:

I wanna love you and treat you right;
I wanna love you every day and every night:
We’ll be together with a roof right over our heads;
We’ll share the shelter of my single bed;
We’ll share the same room, yeah!

beautiful words.. brought tears to my eyes and emotions up my throat …

this is love … :)
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i have applied for leave today. i wonder if it will get approved. i hope and pray that it does, and then i, and cy, will go visit my parents. :)

last evening i was discussing sex with a friend, on GTalk. he, like all horny guys, insisted that one should not ‘hold’ back, or ‘fight’ “the urge”. i, on the other hand was trying to articulate a thought that i wasn’t able to find any words for. now i do. it’s like food. i love to have food, but, ideally, i should not be having it if my body doesn’t need it. and therein lies the difference and an important attribute of sex that people use to justify their … whatever. sex is not a “need”. it is not something that your body needs. and wow! i am contradicting myself. so since it’s not part of the body maintenance functions set, but just a … leisure activity, or maybe exercise, one can indulge in it without thoughts of possible physical or mental corruption. hmmm….

i did something i didn’t want to. its not like i “regret” it, or i feel shitty about it or something. i just didn’t want to do it. i mean i wanted to do (it) … but not … that … hmmm … talking to veer proves very useful (calming) on such occasions. how strange, after all these years, i still get the urge to go back … home (figuratively)

or maybe i am suffering from low blood pressure. that would explain the sleepiness. well, yeah ok, i’m sleepy most of the times, but in the mornings when i wake up at 5:15, like i do, do aajkal, i just don’t feel like changing and going out for a walk. and it’s not that i am sleepy i wanna hit bed with all my might, it’s my body feels tired and i wanna lie down kinda feeling. hmmm… and maybe thats why i have been so desperately wanting to go back to pune. :( i never thought i’ll miss that house this much. :( the KP streets, the trees, the huge, huge trees, the birds. it was something, the clamor those birds used to create. it was amazing. the koyals, the waterbirds, i don’t know their names. the other birds. it was a perfect place … for someone who loves all that … i do …

high time i grew up and not be a cry baby just cos everything is not the way i want it to be. cy is happy here. the school’s are much better, at least hers’ is. the job is just what i had always wanted. if it’s all about the just living space, a home, then i can always look for one and move in some time.

and i just remembered that “subject” i was thinking about the other night. at least i think this is what it was. it was about women, and since i have mostly been close to only indian women, when i say women, i mean indian women, but it could apply to women anywhere. a couple of days back, i think saturday, we went to have dinner at the “club” that we have here in the “township”. a couple came and sat down with this couple who were already sitting on the table right next to us. they had a very small baby with them, the couple who joined later, in a … pram. the baby started crying a bit and the mommy picked it put, and soon after that the baby drifted off to sleep on mommy’s shoulder. mommy softly put the baby back into the pram and instinctly caressed the baby’s head. just at that moment, the baby’s dad made a weird sound and with such irritation on his face and in his voice whispered, ” don’t touch, don’t touch, you’ll wake him/her up.” it was outrightly rude and i didn’t like it one bit. it completely nullifies his intentions, his actions. and then i realized that it happens on a very common basis, that husbands are outrightly rude to wives and wives soberly lower their eyes quietly. it’s sad. maybe that’s why our kids are turning out to be the way they are turning out to be. and they think it’s perfectly normal, to be rude and disrespecting towards women and women think that they should just “keep quiet and let matters go”. how irritating.

last night when i couldn’t sleep, i sat in front of the laptop for a long time thinking of what to write. but i could generate not one thought. then when i hit bed eventually, i had a very nice … subject. but then i was really sleepy then and didn’t want to get up, so i thought i’ll draft it in the morning. and now i can’t remember what it was.

my sat night dreams were interesting. i think there were two dreams, or maybe both were part of one. i was part of a jungle safari and i was also part of a wedding party, going with the barat. i had the camera in my hands, ready to shoot, all the time, for both the occasions. then the barat fills this row of buses and there are people and many women sitting on the bus roofs also. but i let the last bus go thinking that i will get an auto. but then i get lost and call an uncle and this happens and that happens .. a lot of confusion. sometimes i feel dreams are redundant … just residues of a day’s going-ons.

i realized today why i haven’t been feeling particularly happy since some days. its cos i haven’t been walking, regularly, the way i used to in pune. not walking depletes my body of happy cells and hence i start feeling down and when i start feeling down, i don’t go for walks but just mope around the house watching television each passing moment of the day, and night. tomorrow 5:30 am! may the force be with me!!!

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a hindi song i had written in early march this year for cy:

merey phool, tum merey phool

tumhari pattiyon se sajtey merey din
tumhari smile se nahi pyari hai ye dhoop

ye pyar, tumhara pyar
koi pocket khali nahi hai …… ab?
mein full, hui mein full
mera mun tun bhara hua hai merey phool

o merey phool, tum merey phool

tumhari pattiyon se sajtey merey din
tumhari smile se nahi pyari hai ye dhoop

ye gaal do meethey laddoo
inhe kha ke mein mar jaoongi
ye sunder haath mujhey bachaingey
merey galey mein dalo bahein

o merey phool, tum merey phool

tumhari pattiyon se sajtey merey din
tumhari smile se nahi pyari hai ye dhoop
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its that green, that lush green, that lush, wet green that my innards miss. the dark, grey clouds, rain drenched wind blowing the soul away. bangalore too gets that way in the rains, at least it did when i was there way back in, i think 99-00.

it’s after many, many moons that i am feeling not particularly good today. i guess i get disappointed too easily, just the way i get appointed too easily. i mean the way i get so excited about any damn thing under the sun, or beyond it. its just that this place i have taken up, it’s, it’s, well it’s not clover park view. and it’s not just also the water supply problem. i guess i fundamentally don’t like places that have no trees. and there is not one proper tree anywhere near the vicinity. they’ve made hi-tech city in wilderness, rocky, barren, harsh, exposed to the brightest sun ever (no, i haven’t seen the chennai sun , i know) wilderness. or maybe i guess i am just being the baby who wants everything. plus i got duped off 150 rs by this crook of a carpenter. that too is pissing me off. and the auto guys here … wow! dats just another story. i mean i thought pune auto guys were … rude and arrogant. phew! pune, for all it’s small size and small town, lazy place and all, i felt is more a “city” and more “with-it”. or maybe i am just missing the place i had been living in and loved so much for more than 2.5 yrs now …