one love. one experience. just one feeling. and lives change forever. in a beautiful, beautiful way. :)

the killings in iraq go on because we, the world, let it go on..
and think of what’s happening in myannmar. we just don’t care. so many of us don’t even know..
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i am a very stupid, silly gurl. and i love idlis and dosas, esp the home made ones.

evening before last we went to a place named chinese pavilion for food. i was meeting my good friends RM and TM after a long, long time, and RM wanted to go for chinese and she did not know of any other place other than pavilion so we went there. i did not like the food. :( the two dishes that we ordered, one veg and one non-veg, both looked and tasted the same. we had ordered clear chicken soup before that. the chef had put huge bits of really sharp green chillies. i have never seen that done to a chinese soup before. i thought its green beans and put one in my mouth. thanks to the good million gods i didn’t bite it. just my lips touching it made me sizzle, and my ears turned hot and started buzzing.

i am very sleepy. it’s 2:24 pm, and i plan to leave by 4:30 pm. in the meantime, it will be great to have a nice cuppa chai. hot, strong, sweet, milky chai. and there;s no chai around here for miles (exaggerating). we have that tea/coffee machine in office. one can’t make a worse chai. imagine, chai with foam on it. yikes!! but i think i’ll go get a cup. i am very sleepy.

M has posted beautiful words today, or i think yesterday. as usual i fail to understand the true meaning..what? .. why? i guess i am very sleepy.

i found the date. after reading so many older posts and some comments, and some debates, i found the post that tells about the moment i am missing so much now. the moments of the beginning of the rains, in pune. pune is heavenly in such times, and blessed are the ones who get an opportunity to forever stay in places like that. even if there was a remotest possibility of me getting this job (as a remote employee) and staying on in pune, i would have jumped at it like a ferocious tiger .. tigress.

as per the june 05, 2006 post, it was june 03 when i, sul, and cy had gone up to the terrace and spent those beautiful moments in the cool breeze, under the awesomely beautiful, dark grey, ready to burst clouds. that mall that i have mentioned is shopper’s stop. we had gone to shopper’s stop that day and i believe the cheer had made me shop a lot, and even after that i remember when we walked out of the store, we didn’t wanna go back home. it was an awesome, beautiful day. i will forever miss those days, those cloudy, breezy days that pune had provided.

i got up at 5:15 today, AM, and went for a walk in the cool, cool morning breeze. light, soft showers of rain were kissing the earth good morning and i squeezed in too. :) the last time i remember doing that must have been when i was in my early 20s. wow! a decade ago. in between there i did start doing yoga (’doing yoga’ hehehe!! sorry S .. hohoho!! :)), maybe for some months, early mornings but that stopped abruptly, as do many things in my life. in my teens, till about my early twenties, i was a regular (long) walker. i’ve always loved and enjoyed long walks and somewhere on the way i just got too lazy, or maybe too pre-occupied in my (day) dreams i guess. in delhi, i used to cover a lot of travel distance walking. sometimes i used to walk back from my college (gargi college) to home (nauroji nagar, near sarojini nagar, on the ring road). i don’t know how much distance that is.

my favorite place in the whole universe at that time was deer park. it was/is a huge park behind the area where we lived. just behind safdarjung enclave, also accessible from the green park side, or hauz khas village. i used to wake up early in the morning and walk down to the park. the park had huge … cages, for rabbits and a fenced-in place for a large herd of deers (deers have herds right?). people used to get left-over raw vegetables and bread/roti to feed the deers. wow! i wish i could take cy there. i will, if i remember to the next time i am in delhi. there were peacocks too, and if you were lucky enough (i was once) you could see the mating dance when it was season. it’s a beautiful sight. the one time that i saw it, the peacock danced around the peahen for a good half hour, fluttering around his fully spread tail or plumage, and then she just sauntered off in another direction, completely disinterested. wow!

FICTION WRITING
she was kissing him like she had never kissed before. kissing his lips, his mouth, like she is a baby that has been hungry since time began and his mouth is the breast of god. she had planned this moment so well, and had also planned to execute the plan with precision. to not haste and spoil the relish, the joy of mere touch, almost touch. but the to-do list all got lost in the storm that raged within her when he came closer, just about 1/2 an inch away from her, making her smell his body, his sweet boy odor she could never resist. even then, she held on, for a moment, for two maybe, and tried to play it strong. just surfed her lips close to his, closing her eyes, opening her senses, each pore of her body gulping down his nearness. and then the floodgates opened, without warning, and she jammed her mouth on his lips and stuck her tongue into his mouth, pushing it open, and all the saliva that had been gathering in her soul for centuries burst forth and entered his system, numbing him. his knees buckled, his shoulders slacked, his heart lost a beat and he collapsed into her, onto her, pressing his helpless, helplessly responding body into her commanding, wanting hands.

her hands, her soft, warm hands felt like a warm breeze in winters over his body. they relaxed their grip on his face, pressing and pushing his face into her mouth. the left one squeezed the back of his neck and the right one went lower to his back, just about his waist. she rubbed his back still kissing his mouth, his face, now a little relaxed, savoring each kiss like a small delicious bite of a melting chocolate cake, licking the flowing chocolate sauce with her tongue off his cheeks, his lips, his neck, his ears. and then the right one, her desirous hand reached his bum, shrouded in the soft linen of his pants. she squeezed it a bit and then slipped her hand into the pants, rubbing and squeezing his butt cheeks like it were dough.

it rained last night. we could see the signs in the evening itself when we’d gone out for a walk and some grocery shopping. the clouds had turned dark orange around a bright, full moon. and then i woke up in the middle of the night, the rain loudly spattering on the window panes. our bedroom has a large french window, ceiling to floor, on one side of the wall. i keep the window open as a beautiful cool breeze in the night cools the room like we have an AC installed. it was raining so hard that water started streaming inside. i don’t know what woke me, but then i quickly got up to close the window. the moment i came back to bed and closed my eyes the power went and fan stopped. so i got up and opened the window a little again, as cy gets sweaty in a matter of seconds. and within two minutes the power came back, i went and shut the windows again, as it was getting very windy and i keep fearing that the wind is going to make the whirling fan drop on us cutting us to pieces. the power went off again once and after a couple of times of shutting and opening windows and imagining the lighting streak dropping into our room loudly through the big windows i don’t know when i was lost in deep slumber again.

i woke at 5:15 (our sweet neighbor had invited to me this 5:30 am yoga session which i had decided to attend and put a 5:15 alarm) saw how dark it was outside and dropped back zoning out.

it’s a beautiful, beautiful day today. the morning was a squeaky clean and fresh, bright grey. so cool and such tender breeze was blowing that if i hadn’t just joined this office i wouldn’t taken an off. so just to honor the beautiful morning cy and sul accompanied me in the lift to the park near our building, where i bid them goodbye. it’ll be so hard to work today. :)

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in the morning, while walking towards the place where i catch the shared auto from, i was thinking about the origins of the hindi word ‘jalna’, which means ‘to burn’. jal is water, so why is jalna, to burn? there must be a reason behind it.

i knew i will be moving cities soon and will go farther away from mumbai and my doc to whom i go for a 6-monthly check-up. it’d been more than 6 months since i last saw her. so i thought that it’ll be good if i go visit her and maybe even do some m’bai darshan since i don’t know when i will be able to (if at all i am able to) visit the city again. we started as early as we could, cy and me, and if i remember correctly caught the 7:30, or maybe 8 am bus (MSRTC Volvo) from the bus stand near pune station. after an uneventful journey watching some boring flick from the early 90s we reached dadar, from where we took the cab to the hospital. i hadn’t taken an appointment but had called the doc on the previous day, told her am leaving pune and stuff and she said that i could come see her. visiting the hospital is always an occasion, esp with cy in tow. she enjoys the hospital environment, full of things that enchant and awe her, like the huge (for her) stretchers that wheel patients in all directions with such ease. she never fails to push (or pull) every time we pass one (always trying to lend a helping hand to the nurses who always seem to have such great fun pushing those things around), which escapes cascading into the wall with a firm grip from my hand and firmer grips of the nurses who are pushing the stretcher. and then she loves to hop over and run around the rows of chairs installed there for waiting patients; always finding a face with a warm smile and some words or a candy. what she enjoys most is the doctor. dr mangat (hinduja hospital) is the sweetest doctor i’ve had the good fortune to meet with. she is sweet, loving, and very warm towards cy. she never fails to give cy some souvenir or other every time she is with me. this time cy got a huge pack of chocolates so she was esp ecstatic.

we then took an auto to andheri, in the very hot, very dusty afternoon. meeting M is always … a happy occasion. :) and i so wanted to spend some time with her. so i did a very selfish thing and made her come with me (she had to work very late into the night that day). we spent a leisurely afternoon munching not so great club sandwich and garlic bread and sipping nice drinks. we had come settled near juhu beach to spend the hot afternoon away as i had promised cy a trip to the beach. cy loves beaches; i guess all kids do.

with that not so good club sandwich started a great evening. we chatted a while, freshened up (i just love marriot’s restrooms) said goodbye to M and headed towards the beach. we got out of marriott (is there a double t?), turned left, turned left again into a sandy gully and emerged on the juhu beach. i looove those moments. walking into the cool, moist, salty breeze, hearing the distant sea sound, in anticipation of looking at the beautiful open sea, any moment now. it was exhilarating, as always. i knew cy was just jumping to get into the water; the little monkey. so i promptly took her capris and shoes off. she was wearing a short frock, till about her bums on top so i requested (in a commanding tone :)) to not sit in the water. i knew we have to catch the night bus back to pune and if she gets all wet in the salty water, she’d get all sticky and uncomfortable all through the 3 hr bus ride. we started walking towards chowpatty. i, enjoying the soft sand through my shoes (i had enough stuff in my hands to carry), and the strong salty wind in my hair and face, and cy, splashing through the water, picking this dropping that. the beautiful, peaceful walk ended too soon, and i realized that we were at the end of the juhu beach. i remember someone had told me once that if one keeps walking down juhu beach one will arrive at the fishing village crossing which there is carter road. we arrived at the fishing village. a whole independent experience in itself, starting with this beautiful corner house right at the edge of the juhu beach. it’s big, open backyard open to the sea winds is bordered with tall, strong coconut trees, and on 2 of those trees was a beautiful white hammock, fluttering in the strong evening winds, wildly waving at the setting sun: don’t go, don’t go, stay there, just there, let me spend just one more quick lifetime in your orange glow. i stood there for an eternity, trying to imagine how .. how awesome it would be to be able to spend ones life in that house. it is a beautiful house .. at least from the angle i was watching.

we asked around and were told that the fishing village was just a little way ahead. there was a dirty water stream between the beach end and the fishing village. the water reached just above my calves when we placed our feet inside the water and we realized that the bottom was pitted with pointy stones. cy put up a brave front and with a mommy crying “ouch” with every step, she quietly started taking tiny steps towards the other end. there were a number of people crossing the watery chasm with us. one of them kindly scooped cy up and dropped her at the other end. normally she screams her lungs out if someone touches, let alone pick her up without her kind permission. that evening, she did get surprised by a sudden lift into the air, but was quiet, and even smiled at him. i am grateful to that nice soul. we reached at the edge of the fishing village, a moment forever etched in my memory. there was this huge overturned boat, it’s overturned prow facing the setting sun. some fishermen were sitting on it, catching on the day’s gossip. we went and perched ourselves quietly on the other end. and then we just sat there, quietly, looking at the horizon proudly presenting the setting sun, the strong wind gushing into our faces, as if saying a final goodbye, hugging us as tightly as it possibly could. we both loudly wished that if we could live in this fishing village, right by that overturned boat. i wiped the black mud off our feet and put our shoes on. we walked a bit into the fishing village, got out on the road that leads to carter road and got into an auto.

it was a most amazing evening.

i still don’t have anything (much) to share, or even express. life has started and is going on just fine in the new city. i had realized it in pune itself that i am not going to miss it. no, no, i do miss it at some level, rather sometimes terribly so, but not like i wanna go back and stuff. i do look at those nice times spent in pune very, very fondly .. but that’s about that. i realize that i had created a “comfort zone” there for myself and my darling little angel. we could have gone on enjoying that sweet comfort, but then what. i guess it was that “then what..” that ‘rightly’ dragged me out of there .. that little piece of paradise, right next to the train track. sometimes the trains thundered past by so damn loudly that it felt that they are going to lose the tracks and thunder right on top of us running us down. and that loud sirens. wow! there have been enough number of times what i wished i had a sniper gun and just explode the train drivers’ head right from my balcony. like, they would just go on and on knowing very well that are passing right through the buildings where people live and most of them sleeping as it’s middle of the night.

the other day, on the 11th i guess i was reminiscing about last month’s 11th. the one that i and cy had spent in mumbai. it was a most unique and wonderful day that we have spent together recently. i will write more about it. it’s 12:30 am and suddenly i am sleepy so will pack up.

i still haven’t come in the thinking mode. i guess my conscience is still letting the new locale sink in, the new smells, new sights, new roads, new people, newer feelings. i did feel, do feel, that shoot! what have i done. but i guess that is just part of getting used to the new … i just need to give myself some time. but hyderabad, honestly, from what i have seen of it till now this past week, is more of just hype. pune definitely is more “metro”, much more. i will always think of it with a smile on my face. :)

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till now i’ve found the general populace of men to be rather rude. women, on the other hand, are really sweet and warm, and nice to talk to. men though are atrocious. walking on the road they stare at one’s breasts unabashedly. and just last evening in the grocery store, this guy broke the line and went and stood in front of me.

me: (smiling) there is a line.

boy: exchange

me: what exchange

boy: it’ll only take a few seconds

me: ya, that many seconds longer for me

boy: i am not forcing anyone

me: if you want to request, just say please, before jumping the line

boy: !!confused stare!!

and i wondered yet again, if i ever will be at peace here. :(

:)

thanks yoga.
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unwanted
uncared for
left alone
to wither
die

but the breath
didn’t stop
nature’s laws ruled
emotions
did not die
i am
still alive

and so it goes on
this life
starts
all over again
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… my mom is visiting aajkal. :)

in the evening today, well, yesterday, we went for a last swim in the pool where i have spent some of the most peaceful moments in life recently. in the morning, the pune skies had blessed us with a sudden shower, a beautiful sight of the grey clouds, as a farewell gift it seemed. and in the evening, when we were in the pool, I, Cy, and M, a cloud came and covered the setting sun and we witnessed a most awesome, spectacular sight of the sun rays coming from beyond the cloud, as if highways from the heavens had opened up, flooding the skies with angels. :) i will really miss this place. and i will be out of touch for some days as i don’t know by when i will get net connection in the new place. wish me luck!! :)