i just had this thought. that it’ll be nice, to give up everything, pack a small bag and a smaller one for cy and leave. disappear. maybe kerala, or goa. get a small-time job, anywhere, enough to feed me and my baby. and we will stay thus, happily ever after.
i yam, terribly, terribly, terribly bored. ah!!! so terribly that it’s started hurting my neck … :(
i’d rather hence spend this time in kerala, or goa, and of course that’s where this desire is coming from.
i am sitting in the middle of a sleepy saturday afternoon. it’s the 29th day in the month of mar, year 2008, far, far away from where it all started. i wonder if it matters, were it all started. academically, yes it matters, to the scientists hwo’ve been studying, or trying to study the “truth” about how it all came to be. to me, and to many fellow earthlings, i don’t think it matters at all. all that matters now is how are we now going to spend the rest of our days here. at least, the next couple of days, in my case. :)
i plan to do nothing, as usual. a sound plan for someone with a huge ambition of doing nothing ever. and eventually accomplish just that on a beautiful beach in the middle of nowhere. nothing and nowhere, i conclude, after having spent 33 arduous years on this planet, is the best combination ever.
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< fiction>
they went up, to the building terrace. she didn’t want to go out with him, she did want to go anywhere with him. she did care for him and wanted so much to make him understand why it was not possible, what he wanted, his desires, what he intended. and she knew that one going out, could lead to another going out, and yet another one, leading to the heavens only know where. so she suggested that they go to the building terrace, and sit and talk, for a while.
they reached the terrace on settled on the stairs that led to
don’t feel like writing anything today. feel very zoned out … out of the zone … out of this plane …
i don’t like planes … air travel. cy hates it too. she hates it is an understatement. she not only gets sick, her face changes, contorts, and it starts drying up. and once i saw dandruff appearing in her eye-brows .. it was weird. how she spends that flight time, only she knows, and i know a bit cos i am with her.
i’ll go buy some fruits today.
tomorow i plan to go visit the school where i had got cy admission for this year. i paid the 30K deposit and within a couple of days i received my offer letter from an organization located in a different city. now i knew of this school policy that once paid, only 50% of the deposit money will be returned if the child leaves school withing 2 years, even if the child doesn’t even start school. but now, now that i know we won’t be living in pune and cy won’t be going to that school, i feel real shitty of losing a good 15K. and i feel … it’s wrong … of the school to just keep the 15K. for what? i’ll go talk to them tomorow and see if i can some sense of the situation.
i’m really tired today. have been working non-stop on this storyboard for the past 2 days … it’s huge is an understatement. i m so ready to collapse now…
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trivia
i like to fart with my bum cheeks stretched apart, open wide. try it, it’s very … complete … the release!!!
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daaaaamn cute ad.
:)
lust has a place, an appropriate place in the scheme of things. love, love has no place, not one place. love needs to be everywhere. like the fluffy, white, soft home-made butter, it needs to be spread on each and every slice of life.
on a different note, tongues have their own story to tell. that’s why when they do get a chance, they just don’t stop, but push, fight, caress with the strength of a storm.
on a yet different note, i know what’s been wrong with me of late .. since yesterday .. the hangover. the wise sul says, “heat”. and i agree. she also suggested that i have lots of ganna (sugarcane) juice. though i know i can find it nearby, but it’s too hot outside. :o/ i haven’t been sleeping well for past 2 nights. that’s a classic symptom of ‘heat’, plus the intense dehydration i have been feeling and the plethora of the little white pustules all over my face and pimples on my forehead. i know, pretty gross, but there’s a price to pay for an oil-rich skin. :) … if only i could make money off it … hehehe!!!
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in love, i like the lyrics of this song of the movie ‘ram teri ganga maili’:
yaara,
tujhse mila mujhey jeeney ka ishara
tuney meri sehmi see hasti ko ubhara
sun meri jaan
tujhpe kurbaan
meri har saans per hai
tera ehsaan
kaisey jayega utaara
it’s so full of … complete dependence and submission .. my kinda love .. :)
the guy who’s sung this song, his voice sounds like saif ali khan a bit …
i watched the movie race this sunday. not bad .. if nothing else, at least something or the other keeps happening … cyra didn’t like it though, who was the reason i went for it in the first place.
thought i didn’t consume any alcohol last night (except some wine with G’s yummy easter lunch) i am suffering from a terrible, terrible hang-over, or the symptoms of it. ah!!!
it’s holi today. it was holi yesterday also, but that one we (as in me, my family, my friends) never celebrated up north in delhi. we were completely and only into the rangon wali holi .. :) and boy, what holi we used to play, as you can ask from anyone who grew up in delhi, or other northern parts of India. i don’t know if the same energy and enthusiasm still prevails, as i haven’t seen holi in the north of india in many years now. and mom always used to prepare yummy food … puris and chholey and halwa. yum! yum!
sul has cooked fish today, while cy had gone down to play holi with her friends in the complex. i didn’t go … i so didn’t want to get wet and messy. and so it was the first time in her sweet, little life of almost 6 that cy went down on her own, without mommy, or massi accompanying her. she promised me that she wouldn’t venture far, and that she will stay away from all places that can be deemed as ‘parking’. and like a good, good baby (*touchwood* *thoo! thoo!*) she came back on her own after a couple of hours … all wet and blue, and purple, and red. :) she was such a site and i regret not clicking her pic. but she was so thoroughly drenched that i just quickly took her wet clothes off, covered her in a towel and rushed her to the bathroom where sul immersed her in hot water.
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8:40 pm
i just had the most awesome evening. beautiful. belle. sunder. ati sunder. the steel, greyish-blue clouds, bright, and bubbling with the energy of youth had so lovingly hugged the horizon, spread over the entire sky with so much love and tenderness. everything was in full bloom and looked so, so happy. those huge green trees in full bloom with their canopies completely covered in pretty blooms, and groups of white water birds in such sharp contrast to the bright, grey background of the sky, flying in the V formation, the other little birds filling the evening with their loud chirping. we even saw a couple of humming birds, ever so tiny, sucking from the prettiest of violet flowers.
we had earlier gone for a swim, our first one of the season. the pool looked clean and very tempting from the balcony and we couldn’t resist. it was awesome, being in the water. the clouds had about started gathering then and the breeze was starting to stir the trees around the pool. at one time dry, yellow leaves were all over us. it was beautiful, a little dirty :) but beautiful. i wish i could click that moment, but i was in the water.
anyways, the evening. the most romantic evening ever. and this flower guy we passed, i stood there just a few seconds, bent down and smelled the roses … couldn’t resist it. wow, and he called out, the flower guy when we started walking away, “madam, madam” and we turned, and he handed me a rose. a beautiful, blood-red rose, and with a long, long stalk too. oh!!! it was … beautiful … awesome … :)
it was her favorite position. perched on the 3 ft wall separating the living room from the balcony, she used to love to close her legs around his waist … their heads at level and their faces exactly on the same plane, looking into each others’ eyes. that evening too, she was holding him firmly, between her legs, her arms around his neck, and his around her waist, his hands on her back. suddenly she brushed her cheek against his, pressing it softly. he loved it when she did that; and each time it made his heart skip a beat and he felt a stir go up his chest. and he realized it every time, all over again, how much he needed her in his life, in his arms.
she nestled her face in his neck, kissing it there, like one would a child, lovingly and softly. she pulled him closer into herself with one hand on his back, and unbuttoned his shirt, half-way with the other. his heart rate was getting fast and the beats loud, when he felt the oxygen rush out of his lungs, out through his ears, his entire face. her fingers were caressing his nipple, his really sensitive and now really aroused nipple. his knees gave way, his head swayed and he fell onto her some more. she knew what it did to him and felt such tearing heat swell up her groins that all she wanted was to rush him onto the bed … but she held on, she wanted to savor each agonizing moment of it. she took his face in her hands that felt really warm and moist to him. she could keep looking into his cherubic eyes for ever, admiring his cheeks, his almost perfect nose, his rosy, pink lips that were never sure whether to close or to stay open. she ran one thumb over his lips, pressing his half open, half closed mouth, and then kissed it softly. her arousal feeding upon each gasp that escaped his mouth, growing with every breathful of air she sucked out of his lips.
…..
i feel one with the universe. anyone wants to ask a question? now is the time … a time for all answers…
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happiness, as enveloping an emotion as sadness. feeling either will take one away from the … stillness. -ness with or without, whatever you have, whatever you don’t, you will always have -ness. my being yearns for the -ness that comes with happi, but i am aware that it is the one with still that will ultimately calm me. i am not ready for it yet … i do not wish to be ready … yet …
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i need:
a pool/lake/pond
my swim-suit
a thick cotton sheet to lie on, on a green patch by the pool/lake/pond
some oil to rub on myself
someone to rub that oil on me
someone to make sure cy doesn’t jump in the pool/lake/pond
a nice book
a pitcher of cool nimbu-pani or some light, sweet sorbet
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a kiss,
i can feel
on my parched
deprived lips
a kiss
of love
of passion
moist and cool
like the cool taut skin
of a ripe orange … phadi
burst into my mouth
open the flood gates
let the juices flow
i haven’t broken my fast
in a long, long time
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05:30 pm
my team, my dear friends, made a bakra of me and smeared me with holi color, which they claim to be “natural” color, but in reality it is turmeric powder. so now i am all bright and yellow. :)
i realized something about myself today, that i can’t suddenly jump on someone and hold them tight. :) and something i have always known, that i am a very eager buddhu baby. :)
10:45 am
i had a very nice dream. very bright, sweet, cozy, the general atmosphere was very fluffy, and happy, and full of nice pastel colors. i saw veer and didi, and we were having some real, good, quality time with each other, just chatting generally about this and about that in our old NN home where i mostly grew up … physically; on the diwan in the living room, and the middle door leading directly to the bed-room which used to be always closed (sealed rather), was open. one part of the dream was interesting. veer was there, and two kids (about 6-7), a girl (not cy i think) and a boy, and an older girl, about my age. and that older girl was with me … as in “with” me. dear universe, if this is your idea of a “new vision” then please, p-l-e-a-s-e, would you reconsider. :-/
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12:40 pm
my happiness level is at a 5 today. :)
both had lost track of time, sitting on the solitary wooden table, laid quaintly on the edge of the wooden platform jutting out of the outer periphery of the small eatery bang on the beach. the open sea on one side and the dense growth of coconut trees and other small and big plants on the other had cocooned and isolated them into their own little happy world. words had ended long back, so had thoughts. they just sat there, side-by-side, holding each other’s hands, looking at the sea, another universe…
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my happiness level is at a 4 today (i scale it on a 1-5 everyday). but i am feeling very, very sleepy. so it’s not like i feel very chirpy and i am laughing and generally smiling. i’m not. i am still as i feel still: ben stiller. :) BUT, i think i am happy. :) .. so i give myself a 4.
a friend of mine, i haven’t seen her in a very long time, gives really good massages, kerala massages. i wish she was here today. i would kill for a good massage right now. esp the shoulders and upper back area.
i’ve got so damn much to do today at work and i am so, so, so damn sleepy it’s not funny. i have been having nice dreams of late. though i am not able to remember them all by the time i am fully awake, which is weird as i mostly remember my dreams. last night i was at this place with lots of people around me, people i know, this family of sisters, my goan friend. and this particular friend of mine Gn, is looking damn sexy in this backless blouse [in my dream she has a tattoo on her center back, in real life she doesn't] and a very sexy saree that i am thinking that i wanna wear something backless too but also fear that mom’s gonna get upset. [to this veer would definitely say that in my mind i still haven't grown up :)] in my dream, what’s causing me distress is the other dress that i have already arranged for myself. it’s a white silk blouse, full-sleeves and nehru-neck under this gorgeous chiffon saree, very colorful, very sixties stripes. and since seeing Gn’s gorgeous back, i am planning to just ditch the “elegant” white full-sleeves and go with my bikini top as blouse as i feel it’s going with the sixties saree design. [which is interesting as i never wear sarees. hmmm....] …dream end…
if i don’t get some sleep, like, right now, i will lose my mind. ah! if only i didn’t need that relieving letter so desperately. i also have to go to m’bai. i have go to my previous company for the PF money, i have to go see my doc in hinduja, i have to go see piti. i have to go see some other friends. it’s so ironical. i don’t want to go live in m’bai as i wanna live in a place, a smaller, slower place, where i will have time for myself, for cy and for my friends. and my friends are in m’bai. :)
Once, you had a dream. Now, it is fading away, you can hardly even remember what it was, but all dreams lose their intensity, sooner or later. Unless, of course, they are recurring dreams. Then they come back round, time and time again, until we take heed of them. If your dream truly needs to be fulfilled, this week will present you with the perfect opportunity. And if it doesn’t? Then you will see the timely emergence of a much-needed (and much more inspiring) new vision.
hmmm… so eventually i would get over the stupid desire to do dino morea. :) … a new vision .. a much more inspiring one. i look forward to it. :)
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i know now the next tattoo that i want. all i need now is the money.
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we went to the building terrace just now for a chai break. and we were sitting and chatting like gals do and suddenly i snapped at a girlfriend for something she did. it was rather silly, of me to have snapped like that. i do that when i am physically tired or feeling de-energized, like i feel now as my periods started yesterday and i have been bleeding like crazy. it’s been like that for some months now. it was never that bad before. but now it flows like crazy. i wonder if that happens post 30. anyways, there we were chatting and i snapped. and all my friends were so surpurised … saying that they never thought i even had it in me to get “angry”. hehe … talu, piti, get that. :)
hmmm… i want to just go home and lie down in my li’l angel’s darling soft arms. i have started to find her hugs most comforting. i hope i am able to let go when she is 18, and ready to fly off into the sky. my li’l baby…
i’ve fallen in love
i’ve fallen IN love
i’ve fallen in love for the first time (truly)
and this time i know it’s for real
i’ve fallen in love
~sung by freddie mercury
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it’s 6:19 pm and i m just waiting around for it to be 7. and m thinking. so many things at one time. some i’d like to put here, some, i wouldn’t, though i want to. as i am fundamentally … an open person. if i say that to piti, she’d immediately visaulize me lying down on the ground, all open, literally. dats how she thinks, visually. dats how i think so too, as that is the image i had in my own mind exactly when i was typing those words, “i am an open person”. on a different note, as a person, i like people who exhibit good … organization when it comes to writing. i do understand that it’s all about how much one is used to using a particular kind of a writing tool, but still, i take an instant liking to people who mail me stuff in neatly organized paras, with proper spaces after commas and periods etc. hmmm…
since i have nothing interesting to write as of now, i’ll carry on. the good, sweet reader can stop here as now i m just killing time. poor time…
i feel that it connects to your expression, of course, the way you write/type. and if your expression is neat and organized, so are your thoughts and hence so is your being. hmm? in most cases there’s a … a … thehraav–the word ’stillness’ doesn’t describe what i want to put here–in a person when s/he is able to express her/himself well. i am an exception to that rule, if we can make one up. i like my expression, so i take it that it’s not that bad, but my mind is not still. far from it. there are times when it shoots thoughts like the sun shoots out fire. and sometimes (most times), its just dead … it’s completely empty and i can hear the silence resonate. and howmuchever i try and get a thought to take birth … nothing happens. at such times, even thoughts of love and/or money don’t wake me up.
i like the color green; all shades of it.
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10:30 pm
at times, a bubble appears, out of nowhere, and settles around the mind. and then the mind gets trapped inside, like a bee in a balloon, or a ball, without any opening. and it keeps going BZZZZZZ….. hitting against the wall, but is just not able to get out. a stupid idea thus, sometimes, covers the mind, and blocks the view, the way, the open skies. and then the mind just, stays, in the limited space, caged in its own creation.
i need to ‘not work’ in order to be more … me, more creative, more productive to myself and hence the universe. blessed are those who do not need to spend all their precious time in making ends meet.
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he closed the door softly and asked her to make herself comfortable. it was a huge, comfy couch and she couldn’t help but slant down on it. she’d been out in the heat and dust since early morning running to do one errand after another. he looked at her and smiled, and asked her to lie down and roll-over. he caressed her silky hair for a bit and then moved them off her back. his strong, loving hands on her shoulders, kneading away the stress of centuries felt so good that she let out a soft moan.
“you want me to doze-off? coz i will.” she said smiling, her head buried in the small pillow she was resting her head on.
“i want to doze-off with you. i want to sleep with you.” he rolled down beside her, their shoulders pressing together. her head still sunk in the pillow and he looking at the cieling.
and then he jumped up and ran to the bathroom.
“we are in some hurry, aren’t we.” she could not take the smile off her face. she heard the tap running and wondered what he was up to.
he returned with a wet, warm hand-towel in his hands, dripping water on the floor. well, it’s his floor, she thought, and turned over. he placed the wet towel on her face. it felt hot, and very relaxing on her tired face. she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. he wiped her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks, and stopped at her lips. he pressed the towel just under her lips and saw the small streams of water roll-down her cheeks and some on her neck. for a moment he was lost. he wanted to kiss her face, but didn’t know where to start. whether to suck the water off her lips, or pick the drops with his lips off her cheeks, or just … attack her neck. he’d never felt this thirsty before.
in the morning today i was thinking about a lot of things. esp a lot about what’s happening in (my) life right now. like i mentioned, i have quit and am serving the 2-month notice period. i tried to kinda not let people know where i am going, but sadly, largely due to my own stupid trust in every tom, dick, and harry (no offence to tom, dick, or harry), everyone knows now where i am going. not that i care .. but i am sure i would care if something screws up and blows up in my face. but dats not what this para is about. it’s about this one particular thing i was thinking about in the morning, when i was enjoying a nice, hot shower.
i had made a decision some time back. that i will stick to the decisions that i make. and now one decision that i had made recently, of not venturing far from the pune-mumbai region will get affected completely. i made a decision to not stick to the earlier decision i made. why? well, obviously the new decision seemed attractive in many ways. but following the new decision, i will be getting out of my current “comfort-zone”. some people say that it’s a good thing. i personally don’t think that it’s a bad thing. and now i am thinking that at least for me, sticking to a decision, just because i decided at some moment in the past that i will, might not work. so i give up .. :)
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i wonder if i’ve mentioned this theory i have. dat the size (and shape) of a guy’s … you know what … is directly proportional to the size of his forearm. shm has a huge, thick, really hard forearm, when he .. shows it a certain way .. like boxers do when they show off their muscles. actually that was one of the first things that’d attracted me to him big time. you look at it (his forearm) and you wanna bite off a huge, juicy chunk of the meat. :)
i have made an excel sheet which i hope to update everyday at day end. it captures data on my daily moods. i’ll study the pattern and try and understand why i feel sad when i feel sad, or even happy. coz of late i have noticed that a lot of times i feel too happy, or too sad for no reason at all. doesn’t menopause hit around 45? hmmm….
and i wonder if there is a virtual space somewhere, for free, where i can store all my files etc. there used to be one 7-10 years back, as a matter of fact there used to be many. dunno why they all closed.
i haven’t been able to remember my dreams since these past coupla months. i wonder why. i do remember very tiny bits though. like last night i remember i was playing clickomania, but not in the computer. it was a huge, vertical, board with all those nice colorful boxes and clicking/blasting them off with my hand.
10:40 am
one doesn’t feel so good today. one wonders if it’s the hangover of the intensely slothful weekend. one feels zonked!! one’s heart is still singing [weird! one just typed sinking here ** sigh ** :( ], but all sad songs. maybe it’s the effect of spending the weekend away from home, tho one had great fun, and so did one’s child. but one is feeling really tired now. one is also feeling terrible about eating all the food one did and gaining about 2 KGs over the past some days. can such … small … factual information about one’s body affect one’s psyche such?
or maybe one is fearful of the vast unknown that lies ahead. standing precariously over a present one has given up already, trying to peer into the thick mist lying beyond these couple of months, with a weight problem at that…
**one doesn’t like the male species (human) … at all. most of them are f****** a*******s. not veer though… veer is the exception to every rule in the book. :)
:(
2:58 pm
i am relatively happier now. :) well, miracle of miracles. today is my mom’s b’day. and as is typical of me, i of course forgot. it’s been a year .. how can one expect to remember .. huh!! well, anyways, i had’d a huge b’fast, so i thought that i will not lunch. but around 1, i felt a soft hint of a desire ries in my tummy. i thought that maybe i will go on the terrace and have a poha or idli or something. when i reached up, i didn’t like what i saw, and i was also feeling a bit thirsty, so i decided that i’ll just go down the building and have some nariyal pani. now the nariyal pani guy stands near a PCO (public call office), and since i hadn’t talked to parents since some days, i thought i’ll call them a say hello. and it just so happened that i decided to call dad first who i knew would be at work. i said satsriakal dad and he said satsriakal … so you wished your mom …
me: …..
dad: hello?
me: for what
dad: hmmm…..
me: **thinking about what month it was, and then the date on my mobile phone** SHITTTT!!! OH SHITTT!!!!
dad: hmmm…..
and so i called mom and wished her a very happy birthday. i made dad promise not to tell her anything about our li’l “talk”. she sounded so happy… :)
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4:52 pm
had this conversation with cy a coupla weeks back.
cy: i want to marry xyz (this guy in her class–UKG–she knows i don’t hold in high regard)
me: well, you cannot get married without your parents
cy: i will wait for you to die and then i will marry xyz
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i just had another thought. that maybe my heart is made of rubber .. hehehe!!! it never breaks. :) was just thinking about my last break-up … i was really, very intensely, rather terribly hurt and all … and eventually .. it was ok. life has been … jus ok :)
dear universe, this is not a challenge for you to show me that my heart indeed is not made of rubber. :)
love is — happiness :)
the weekend started with the most delicious gobi paranthas with a couple of friends from work, and then i and cy came over to Z’s for some more delicious food (mutton korma and flavored rice), and we have been doing nothing since this sweet, slow, easy sunday morning but just lying down on our slothful backs and watching boring TV. haven’t had this much fun in ages. :)
oh! i did some stupid spending and spent good money on some really cheap clothes last evening. :) :) :)
we’ve just come back from a bountyful lunch. though feeling really guilty about eating so much, and then finishing a reasonably big chocolate pastry, covered thickly with a soft chocolate layer, i feel nice. nice and sleepy. sweetly sleepy … mmmmmmm…………… :)
we had sizzlers. i didn’t like mine much, or maybe i really have lost taste for meat.
3:53 pm
i shud’ve ordered something veggie … :-/ ** yawwwwwnnnnnnn **