and here it is … back again .. the silly happiness. i was pretty, pretty grumpy last evening .. and then cy started insisting on a McD’s burger. now i am totally against processed food and other junk food varieties. but i didn’t feel like saying NO outrightly so i said a mild ‘ok’ and kept thumping the keyboard vigorously while chatting to this 19-21 yr old from chandigarh, or so he claims. the child is a persistent one, and she did say ‘please mama’ oh-so-cutely that i just couldn’t help planting a big kiss on both her cheeks and saying ‘chalo’. :)

3:15 pm

it was the best thing ever. and thanks to cy for having pushed me for it. my grumpiness just wore of, and on came first a disturbing wave of a lot disturbing thoughts and then a sudden calmness. by the end of it all, we were walking merrily down the road, hand-in-hand, discussing boys, life, money, everything. it was definitely a beautiful evening.

i feel really tired and sleepy and i will write no more today …

it’s 10:49 in the morning. i have nothing to type … yet. :) things that i have, cannot be typed .. not now anyways. i am dressed like i just got out bed today. though i tried hard to dress well in the morning. and if this is what all my effort ends up in, then my mind is sending a strong message.

i need a picnic … :)

11:24 am
i wonder what happened of neo. maybe got captured and got transported to a world without a net connection. ahhh!!! dats scary… :o/

12:03 am, 29th feb

let me try and … be creative
i haven’t been so
in, like a decade
……………………..
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

one is not happy today. one is trying to not make this life all about one-self and hence the use of ‘i’ is avoided. maybe one is angry at one-self, at one’s incompetencies and enormous amounts of shortcomings. apart from being not very bright, one is a lazy, procrastinating good-for-nothing. one is downright stupid. one feels powerless today. as one is, in this world.

wo subah kabhi nahi ayegi …

maybe one, in reality, is a huge bear. and it’s time to go into a dark cave and sleep. for 6 months.

or maybe one is just sad. being petty and drowning in self-pity. one deserves it!!!

______________________________________________________________________________________________
2:46 pm

last evening ….

cy was watching the oscars …

and she was actually making every effort to follow it completely ..

why .. you might ask …

she very, very seriously said “i want to become an actor”

mom: sure baby .. you can become whatever you want…

cy (looking concerned and very genuine): how .. do i … !?!

mom: ………

______________________________________________________________________________________________

one has truly fallen in love with the sing ‘bebot’ by black eyed peas; esp the way it starts. the sound is so awesome that it makes one wanna go into the music business.. :)

______________________________________________________________________________________________

one is a huge fan of this guy:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/

of course! every (ok, almost every) decision i have taken in life has been rather stupid. like this internet connection (also phone). when i had moved into this building, the BSNL guys had a little makeshift office in the building itself, since it was a new complex and all. but no, i did not get a BSNL connection, i went and got a reliance. and through these 2.5 years, i have steadily and surely been paying them more money than what i would’ve paid for the BSNL connection. and here i am now, running around to get the BSNL connection now, after having wasted a good amount of my hard-earned money.

and just now, like a stupid, silly a*** i went to the BSNL office; to do what, i know not. obviously i’ll have to go again as i din have xeroxed copies of identity and address proofs and my fotos. that was not very bright of me, to go so completely unprepared. why can’t i, for once in life, stop and just think, before jumping, like a monkey.

the weekend has been busy till now. the morning started with us rushing to get ready for Cy’s annual function, and then rushing to the place where it was being held. Cy was a ‘punjabi kudi’ and looked adorable in her churidar-kurta. though it started out well, they dragged it so much that by the end of it we were thoroughly tired and praying for it to get over. the last gig of Cy’s “graduating” UKG class was pretty sad. it was obvious that they did it just for the heck of it. sad, cos all the kids were looking really smart and cute and were so ready to take on the world in their cool gold and silver jumpsuits. anyways, we collected the happy child after the show and then went for a yummy south-indian lunch to this really nice place called Coffee House near MG Rd. I had an idli-vada plate. :) thanks to S i didn’t order the puri that i was going to and that i would’ve if she hadn’t cautioned me. thanks S.

after a 2-hr siesta, a long satisfying walk via a glass full of refreshing anar juice, i and S have reached this cyber cafe. i miss my net connection. :o( come monday i will pakka go to the BSNL office and try and get a net connection. or maybe there’s something amiss among my “internet-connection” stars. i need to get a havan or something.

9:20 pm, in a cyber cafe:
i just had a thought. just as in, sometime back, when i was home sitting and watching tv with S and Cy. we were watching the movie monalisa smile on the star movies channel. there’s this scene in which all the girl students are sitting together and discussing the painting monalisa’s smile. and i thought that i wish i had that too. a nice girl group, together, growing up, sharing experiences. i never did have one. the thought i had was that i felt that most things in my life happened all wrong. do i regret it? i don’t know. if it has happened the way it has happened then there’s a huge possibility that that’s how it was supposed to have happened. though i am sure that it could’ve been different if only i had tried. but would my trying have been considered going againt the cosmic order? or maybe just because i have always been too lazy to try hard enough (i am also a pathological procrastinator), my cosmic order never really did come through, which is something truly sad, and regrettable. hmmm….

and today, like so many days gone by, i yet again stand at a cross-roads. a decision needs to be made. and though i am kind of sure in my heart, i wish there would be a clearer, rather an obvious sign from the universe, lighting the path that i think i will take. maybe a decision has been taken on my behalf already, if i am to trust my current cosmic order. a voice telling me just to follow the road laid out will be good. but there’s that other road too, right here, starting at my feet. all i need to do is, take a step, and since we are talking time, there is going to be no turning back.

may the force be with me!!!

i saw him again. our persian prince. one word: exquisite. though he’s gained weight, a bit, but he looks … luscious, as ever. o stop my aching heart, it gave you nothing but arrests before. his hair .. wow, his hair, so lush, curly, and thick. i wanna lose myself in them. in my thoughts, his head fits perfectly on my left shoulder and so does his body cradled softly in my arms. veer, excuse moi, but this flood of my dreams and desires (desirous dreams!?!) hath no dam, i tried to build one, it blew like haystack in a storm…

nothing to fear though. soon, S will be gone, and then no more strolls in the all too familiar streets of KP. and i will cease to haunt the “joints” and then like every regular day i will just come home from work, and maybe go till K-Bai’s and get veggies and dats it. life will be back to normal, soon. i look forward to it. :) ..cos the evening sightings (twice already) are a huge pain in the entire backside area, and also in this bloody little muscle pumping and thumping harder and harder each time just to make its presence felt.

life is not fair
i so don’t care … (or, do i?)
sometimes i am just scared
cos i know i m bared
to the elements
monstrocities
thoughtlessness
of this heartless world
in this muck
we are ensnared

that iranian guy, remember? well, his hair come to his waist now. *sigh* :) he’s gained some weight though … all over. i saw him last evening. since that cafe closed last year, we haven’t been “bumping” into each other. and since M left, i haven’t really been going out much for strolling around, saying hello to people, spreading smiles about. last evening, since S has come over visiting us, we went out. it felt good, walking around in the same old streets, that are so near, yet seem so distant as i rarely step out of the house anymore. and we were walking down some such distantly familar street that i saw his distantly familiar face, cruising past on a bike. there was a flicker of recognition and smile on both of our faces, and then he turned his bike around. i would’ve waved a bye or something, but this li’l devil walking by side, pullied my arm and took me into another world for a coupla seconds. and in those coupla seconds our sweet persian prince just drove past by .. again. :) ** to good ol’ times **

i had seen him in goa too. but there too i couldn’t stop and say hello as we were in a jeep that rolled away fast and he was walking by the side of the road with his friends .. unawares that a tiny part of pune just past by. :)

from being a nicely golden brown sun-kissed hue, my skin now looks thoroughly sun-f***ed. i have started looking like a burnt cookie of late. not that i mind, but i miss the “gehunwa” of my arms at times. i like to keep looking at my arms and legs, i know, i am so full of myself.

i dreamt goodbyes in my dream .. or rather .. preparing for a journey. anyone knows what that might mean? in 2 separate dreams. first i was with this group of friends, though i don’t remember who all, but i am telling them about this plane i need to catch in an hour and am saying bye and all. the second dream i remember better, though not clearly, as i have a bad cold and all i can think of at all times is my throbbing head and stuffy sinuses. from the inside the house is NN, where i grew up, and from outside it is SV, where we moved later. and i am packing and everyone is there; mom, dad, veer, didi (amazingly i saw suzy, our late canine member of the family, earlier in a dream i think sat night, or maybe friday), and even cy. and i am fondly and longingly looking at all the things that i am leaving behind. and i am also looking for this li’l bag that i know has my camera in it and i am telling ma that a cousin might have flicked it. and then i am looking at these li’l shoes i know are cy’s and i want her to try them on, and i know i might be getting late. i had to catch the 6:30 flight and i look at my watch and see that it’s 6:38 and i then plan that i will catch the 8:30 flight. and i am saying bye to everyone. and i am feeling very sad at having to leave, but a part of me is really happy that i am going home. and i tell this to veer that though i am feeling happy but i am really sad for having to leave them all and our home, and then i say that now “that” (i guess the plaec where i am going. pune?) feels more like home and that i am glad that i am going home. and veer looks at me in his typical “you’re-such-an-ass” look and says of course you’ll be happy as that is your home now. and i am also thinking that now that i will be catching the 8:30 flight i have sometime to go back and hug everyone and share some more words. :)

i still haven’t been able to secure internet connection after having given up on tata indicom. reliance says that they have run out of data cables and there’s no more room for broadband users, as weird as it may sound. the USB wireless that they are offering for rs 3100 is dial-up and gives about 70-90 kbps speed. i felt that it’s not worth it. airtel has yet not reached our building. they don’t have their equipment set up and are not sure by when they will. i had filled a form for getting a broadband connection on the BSNL site last fri i think but haven’t heard from them. i’ll go to their office one of these days. life seems incomplete without a net connection at home. :(

Seven-day weekend,
Up all night

dil dhundta
hai phir wahi
phursat ke raat din

Let’s get, let’s get, let’s get, let’s get rocked
Let’s get, let’s get, let’s get, let’s get rocked
Let’s go all the way, get it night’n'day
C’mon let’s get, let’s get, let’s get, let’s get rocked.

once long back, in another time it seems, another universe maybe, it was time for me to leave for school. and veer was home, i dunno why. i told him i don’t wanna go to school. he said, don’t, tell ma you had a stomach ache. i happily dropped my bag and went out to play. later in the afternoon when mommy came back from her school (she was a teacher then) i was busy pulling, or throwing stones at something caught in the teem tree in front of our building that housed 2 stories of homes in 2 rows one atop another. we lived on the first floor. when i saw mom, i broke out in sobs and told her that veer had asked me to fake a stomach ache. the last thing i remember is that she smiled and picked me up in her arms.

relationships, the romantic kinds, take one away from the path of spiritual evolution. for the simple reason that most humans accept the binding form of love, which in reality is most opposite to what love actually is.

the relationships of the true love type are rare. i long for one such… love. :)

or maybe it’s just my personal, some convoluted version or definition of love that my mind has made up and settled with. that love is freedom, love will help me be happy all the time, grow-up, grow healthier, in body and in mind.

unlike last week, this week has been dull, rather .. depressing. some difficult decisions and a lot of uncertainty. it’s scary.

10:30 am

the unexplained cheer is spent. and the days (rather this day) are back to their regular accustomed-to dullness. thank God. though i got up voluntarily at 6:30 am (actually in an effort to wake cy up for school) my body (and mind) have been feeling rather … still, not sleepy, or tired, but still. the look on my face is grumpy. i just wanna go back home, face the nice, green view from our balcony and sit, and not stir, for a long, long time. i am glad i am not happy any more for no reason at all, it had started giving my anxiety attacks. ** phew **

it’s also the book that i am reading; it matches the color of my mood. the age of shiva my manil suri.

11:50 am

and now i am just plain bored, truly bored. it just never goes haan .. one never gets ‘over-it’. this state of being; being bored. i could’ve dozed off if only they had some couches in office. they should. it’ll definitely increase each individual employee’s productivity. i am looking forward to the little shopping trip i and MS have planned to undertake at lunch time. a nearby mall had a sale and we both hope it’s still on.

04:36 pm

my tummy feels real uncomfortable. kinda crampish. i went but it’s not coming out. i should not have shared some of that rich, rich coconut uthappa after the idli+medu vada lunch. ah!! :( …esp after the wholesome b’fast i had equipped my body with, to brave the day without needing anything till dusk.

06:05 pm

i should not be complaining. this is what i had been praying for just a coupla months back, when i was so flooded with work that i didn’t have a second to look up from my computer and and see who’s scratching my back (just an expression, not that someone was actually scratching my back). at that time there were so many, extra-curricular, professional skill productive things i had wanted to do and start on. and look at me now. :) so much of “bandwidth” and getting bored.

i don’t have a lot of work today. so i am merrily listening to songs and playing ‘clickomania’, quite maniacally. :) i remember there was time when i used to play solitaire just as obssessively. once veer, who was in the other room, and had no idea that i had even entered his ‘work’ room and was sitting using his computer, entered the room with that, his patended smile spread in abundance on his face, saying, “the *shoot-i-forgot-the-word* clicking told me you are playing solitaire.” my mouth too spread into a grin .. :)

just last night i was thinking that men with a sense of humour (maybe even women) truly do not exist. as there always is an exception to any rule, veer is one to this. not only does he have a GREAT sense of humour (annoying, at times when one is a target :)), it aligns well with mine. i haven’t laughed with anyone the amount i have laughed with veer. we actually used to topple over sometimes … rather roll over .. roll to the sides…

on another note .. i met a 5.5-6 yr old child in the morning. no, not cy. our conversation took a turn that the word ‘muslims’ came up, and suddenly this sweet, little girl twisted her face and said, “i hate muslims”. i was shocked, to say the least. i told her that ‘hate’ is not good. the sweet child told that she is cautious about not saying it in front of “them”. and then i told her that it’s not even good to feel it. she just turned and busied herself in her play. it’s really sad. obviously, it’s a “home” influence. but it’s really, really sad, the kind of influences poor, little kids are exposed to.

i still day-dream about asvin and maya and myrdak, and the fantasy landscapes of the gameworld of the gameworld trilogy by samit basu. i don’t know the name of the 3rd book so don’t know when i might procure one. am too lazy to go to the bookshop and generally ask about the gameworld trilogy. besides i have started this other book that has succeeded well in holding me captive for long hours. it’s ‘The Age of Shiva’ by … by … manil suri. just googled it. :) M had recommended it big time. thanks M. :)

a very nice, intimate documentation of a woman’s travails and journey through some significant and life-changing years of her life, at least till where i have reached. the writer makes it easy to empathise with what the protagonist must be feeling at the different stages of her experiences, thus, making the reader (me) feel rather depressed and gloomy at times, which is amazing under the current circumstances of the unreasonable and unaccounted for bouts of general cheer i have been feeling of late.

as per my online astrologer jonathan cainer, it’s because of the venus-jupiter conjunction and also because it’s 2008. :) i did see venus-jupiter close to conjuncting at 5:30 on sunday morning in the eastern skies as cainer had recommended. it was an awesome site. thank you jonathan. :) the sky was dark grey with no star visible. it was just the moon towards the right, and the two stars at some distance from the moon, shining so bright, one brighter than the other. i held my breath for a moment, exhaled the beauty of the universe in, and promptly went back under the cozy blanket warmth.

i want to thank veer, desiP, and M for creating the link to yesterday’s post. bad service and mal-treatment anywhere should be publicised as much as possible. thank you guys.

i am in a good mood … again (it has started scaring me big time now, why the hell am i happy!!?!!) so i will not type out all the negative, abusive language simmering in my mind since last friday for tata indicom here. i will just relate what has been happening.

many months back, last year, my internet connection got blocked, suspended. when i called the tata indicom call center, they told me that the account has been suspended as i have not renewed it. which came as a surpurise to me as i had recently paid the rs 1800 fee and renewed it. i told them this, and they asked me for the receipt number. i had misplaced the receipt and so they told me that there’s nothing they can do about it if i have lost the receipt. they also told me that they have no ‘collections’ record, and a customer’s receipt is the only documentation there is to record and prove that a payment has been made. they also went ahead with telling me that it was wrong of me to have paid cash to the collectors who came to my place and that i should’ve made the payment with a cheque. they said there system do not show any record of a payment being made and hence i have not made a payment. i needed to connect urgently at the time so i ran to my office and renewed my account using a credit card, paying again.

my plan was a six-months one, and in about a month, or so, they suspend my account again. the plan i was using was a six months thing, i can’t remember the MBs or GBs. i do not download movies or songs or pics. i mostly just use mail, chat sometimes, and sometimes listen to songs online. but what’s baffling is that throughout the month of Dec, which is when their reports show that i used most of my MBs/GBs, i hadn’t even logged on. their reports have net-use dates on which i wasn’t even home, as a matter of fact i wasn’t even in the city on those dates. they insist that my password is not secure and that someone else might have been using it. like a A-hole i yet again “renew” my account. this time on the 9th, maybe the 7th of Jan.

tata indicom “renews” your account by selling you packages. x MBs for rs x, or unlimited amount of MBs for rs x for a limited no of days. earlier i had paid for their 6 monthly plan, that had a limited no of MBs/GBs, which in my case got over, only the network Gods know how.

this time i bought an unlimited plan/package for one month on Jan 9 (or 7?), as per which my account would get over by Feb 9 (or 7?). last Fri, that is the 1st Feb, i realize that my account has been suspended yet again and i am not able to access the net. they might have suspended it earlier, but i don’t know as i accessed the account only on Fri. they now claim that apparently there was some “reduction” made by the system in my new plan due to which some money went to that, due to which my account has money no more, due to which they have suspended my account, yet again. ** phew **

they had no answer when i asked them how is it possible for one to use up any extra as they sell pre-defined packages. so the moment the amount allotted to you gets over, the account freezes, or rather how they fondly call it, gets suspended. it’s not a gas pipeline with continous supply, they sell cylinders. besides, my account never showed a minus amount the last i checked and renewed my account (which like i mentioned should not be possible as they sell pre-defined packages). moreover, a monthly plan is a monthly plan, how can they cut that short without having informed me. they also could not tell me how much of ‘minus’ amount my account was in; apparently that data the system report did not provide.

when i requested that i wanted to speak to a superior, or supervisor or something, the lady on the phone informed me that she has “escalated” the issue and “someone” will get in touch with me and that the issue will get resolved in 24 hrs. my first complaint was made on Fri evening, the second one saturday afternoon. it’s monday afternoon now.

05 Feb 2008, Tuesday / 4:00 pm

OK, today i got a call from them. the sweet, mild mannered person i shouted at needlessly is yet again telling me that the system deducted some amount from the payment i’d made for the new package. it was a deduction based on some “extra” usage from my previous plan/package. two questions:

Q 1. how come i never saw a minus figure/number (-x) or was never told that i owed the company something, if at all i did?
Q 2. how sensible is it to sell a “package” (one month in my case), accept the money for it and not tell me that a part of it is going to be used for some payment i do not know i need to make and that the one month package is good only for x number of days?

when i asked the “back-office” guy this he told me that they have no “provision” of providing the customer with this information. i told them that that then is a problem, as, as a customer i will very well go find some other service provider. he actually said, “no issues ma’am, that’s your decision.” :)

again, as i have mentioned exactly in my comment, what ticked me off big time was the way the call-center/back-office people talked to me. esp when i lost my rs 1800. they should instruct their collectors not to take cash if that is something one is not supposed to do. why depend on the poor (un-educated) customer to follow a best practice. also, how the hell is it possible for them to have no documentation in case the customer loses a receipt…??