i am reading ‘the manticore’s secret’ by samit basu aajkal. a truly engaging book i must say. it’s a sequel to ‘the simoqin prophecies’, or the way i like to call it, the smokin prophecies. :) that too was a really good book. samit basu is a very good story teller, an i love the humour, they way it’s sprinkled in abundance through-out the story. i would love to see a movie of this book, with the following cast:

myrdak: Brandon Routh; the new superman guy (superman returns)
asvin: i forgot who i had thought of :(
maya: natalie portman; the girl who was the queen/princess in the new star wars
kirin: hrithik roshan (he definitely has something ravian about him)
temat: nicole kidman
mantric: harry potter’s school principal
behrim: daniel craig (though the first visual was that of bhishma pitamah from the earlier mahabharat series)
rukmini: aishwarya rai

4:45 pm
am i so … relaxed in life because my sub-conscious knows that at the end of it all i have the option of going to me parent’s and expect what … i don’t know … food and shelter ..? though in my conscious mind i know that i will never do that. i would rather go eat langar everyday and live with one friend or another for a while (God forbid) than do that.

or do i really don’t care!?! it’s scary sometimes.

the day is nice today also. it’s a typical, beautiful winter day. the kind you should spend out-doors, under the bright sun, maybe shift to the shade of a huge shady tree if you feel too cooked. i am wearing this thick pull-over and there are people around me walking about in Ts. :)

i would like to go on a holiday, a small trip somewhere nice .. historical, touch the stones someone must’ve touched hundreds, maybe thousands of years ago. what has changed? nothing really. i am still standing, on my 2 feet, the way that being must’ve stood, feeling, not-feeling, blank…

11:45 am
i am trying to keep a fast today. mostly for health reasons, but if i get a “good husband” in the process, i wouldn’t mind. i hope this day goes by fast so that i don’t get tempted by illusions of the edible kind.

3:00 pm
it’s 3, and my heart is making a zillion excuses telling my body to go get just one bite. i am not really hungry, not at all, esp after the yummy, sweet nariyal pani (coconut water) i had at lunch time. it’s just the act of puttin something in the mouth, something ridden with salts and oils and spices and just munch and savor the aroma and the tastes fill the mouth and the nostrils. i wonder if one can have tea when one is fasting, the kinda fast that involves a cute (good) husband being dropped from the heavens … God bless his sweet bum.

the other day i was chatting with S on fone .. after ages. and it felt good when i said that i have settled down in my moving around. altho there are times when i think that it’ll be nice to be in a place for a really, really long time, but when the time to move comes, i really feel ok with it. i look forward to the new place and not feel rotten about leaving the current heaven haven. like almost everyone had told me that i will be bored dead in pune when i was moving from mumbai to pune. and i was so much in love with the place i was living in in mumbai .. powai. i had never wanted to move from there. but i did. and now i am so glad. now that i love this place of mine in pune so much. not mine really, it’s rented, but i love it nevertheless.

5:45 pm
i just shared a cut-dosa with MS. :) for the uninitiated, a cut dosa is exactly that. a masala dosa, cut in smaller, manageable pieces. and i had tea, one full and 2 cuttings (half is cutting). i feel good. :) tho i feel bad that i could’ve had a cute (good) husband, so easily, tut! tut!, but i feel good… :) it was a good cut-dosa. :) …no wonder i am where i am, the weak, food-hungry me … alone and happy. :)

i think i will go have another cuppa chai. it’s good today, the chai. this guy sells it out of a thermos. he keeps sitting there all day with 3-4 huge thermos flasks and his assistant/boy keeps getting re-fills from this local chai-vendor. i like chai the way he makes it. a bit strong, brewed well, with just a hint of ginger. very dhaba. as a matter of fact, dhaba cuisine is among my favourites. and my most favorite is hot, soft, tandoori roti and black daal with dollops of (white, home-made) butter on it … yummm!!! and a tiny bite of the tip of a thin green chilly every now-and-then. :) one of the main attractions of road travel in the punjab-north india area.

hmmm … i haven’t done that in ages. just pick my bag up and catch a bus to .. anywhere. now the only bus i catch is to mumbai and spend the weekends doing nothing at M’s or Piti’s place. **sigh** S was saying that she might come over in feb or maybe march. i hope we do something fun outside the city. :) insha-allah…

i like meditating. but of late, everytime i try, which is very infrequent, i prefer lying down, not wanting to open my eyes, and just .. sink .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………!!!!!!!!

i understand that song by enrique:
i donno why
i love to see you cry

:-)

in case of cy, she looks just too cute. :)

i want to learn belly dance. i think i’ll enjoy it.

i loooove cakes.

i just had a huge lunch of chholey-bhaturey. huge is an understatement. and now i am so sleepy that it hurts. it’ll be so, so nice to lie on a bed right now. just go home and hit the bed, softly, slowly, and just … sink .. into sweet, sweet sleep. ummmm……

J: silly mistakes are part of “the grand plan” you know…
they override destiny

M: he had sleeping pills by mistake?

J: sleeping pills were just there … it hasn’t been proved

M: u dont think silly mistakes ARE destiny?

J: no..

M: hmm… yes..i think so too…

J: it’s like you die, and then you go “shoot” and destiny goes “oops!” … and then both smile .. :)
dats why i am scared of flying

tho i woke up at about 6:30, i got out of bed at 8:45. i feel bad about that. i feel bad about not having spent time with cy before she left for school. i feel bad she found solace in tv watching pogo while munching on her b’fast. strangely enough, i have been feeling good since i woke up. there’s no reason to. work is not that great, my period’s just started so i am feeling weak and my legs hurt, i haven’t had sex in a really long time, haven’t felt like it really … but there’s a song on my lips, and i have generally been smiling. i hope it’s not a sign of some really huge bad thing coming .. :0/ .. like a lull before a storm. i should start praying. maybe there is a God and s/he does look after all his/her devoted … praying people. :)

i read a really, really beautiful poem. it’s by M and is there on her blog as the entry for Jan 15. it’s titled ‘repeat orders’ and you have to, have to read till the end. :)

i haven’t felt this stupid and like a huge arsehole in a long time now. i knew what i needed .. about the terrible tooth ache. i needed that food bits cleared. i went to see this doc. this dentist, and i told him that please just clean it, and he said let me first take an x-ray and dig-in for more information and clarity. dunno why i agreed (this i admit is my mistake). i sat there for a good hr, and then he calls me in, prescribes an anti-biotic and bids adieu. oh! and i forgot a insignificant li’l detail. HE GIVES ME A BILL OF RS EIGHT F@#$ING HUNDRED. and like a complete dumbarse, i paid … :( ah! why … why did i. why didn’t i just say NO. No because i never came in for an x-ray in the first place … and if the doc wants an x-ray because he can’t make out what’s wrong, then he should tell me first how much it’s going to cost and then provide a fuckin service i don’t need. ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after that psychotic incompetent dentist non-dr monika desai, who actually gave me a “doctor’s” advice saying, “you need to slap her” referring to my sweet angel. (i need a written apology from her.) now this dentist. rs 800??? and what do i get at the end of it? the name of an anti-biotic i don’t really care for. ah! there’s really something wrong with india’s dentists.

hold on! i am bad-mouthing bad dentists. i should “good-mouth” the good ones. dr alok patel from jehangir hospital. i should go tell dr monika ms incompetent desai to learn something from him and not practice something she is not trained for. it is so damn dangerous for the poor kids who visit her. and the trauma she must be causing those poor kids on a daily basis. God help them.

dr alok patel, from jehangir hospital, performed 2 root canals on cy, with cy not even flinching an eye or making a sound. so much so, now she goes and happily hops on the dentists’ chair. :) kudos to dr patel. :)

i have a terrible toothache since fri evening. fri evening i was starving by about 7:30, and knowing that i still had a couple of hrs to go at work, i went down to get some of that mixture they sell. all those rice puffs and crispies in chopped onions and tomatoes. though i relished the preparation like crazy, some of it went and settled itself down in the back-most crevices of my jaw. all my wisdom teeth are stuck in a crooked position towards the back of the jaw bone, so this problem is not infrequent. as a result of the little bit of food getting stuck way back there, the gum has swollen up and is causing immense pain. and there goes my weekend. i should’ve gone to the dentist yesterday and got the area cleared, but i was running around all day doing everything i didn’t really need to do, and was pooped by the end of it all. today, i am just too tired and sleepy. i’ll see if i can go tomorrow around lunch time.

a discussion i was having with a friend last evening. and we both agreed and there is nothing wrong at all with wanting it all. why not!!!

last night’s dream was interesting. though it was pretty long so i’ll just give a few excerpts. i am in abu-dhabi, or wherever it is my parents live (in my dream, cos it definitely doesn’t look like abu-dhabi) and everyone is there. didi, veer, everyone. and i am planning to go back, rather come back, to delhi? pune? i don’t know. but the tickets are there for today (and today i think is a friday) and the plane leaves at 7:15 pm. and i start whining about not wanting to leave right away and that i can easily spend the weekend as i have to go to office only on monday. and dad says ok and that he will get the ticket post-poned or something. but then i start thinking about how if i leave now i will have the whole house (and that time the house in my mind is the NN, delhi house) to myself and that i can have sex with that guy (dunno who) for two whole days.

and then in the same day i am walking around the building/house complex with a kid (cy?) generally mingling with a whole bunch of other kids who live in the neighborhood. and i see this cute guy i met a long time back. i don’t know if it was the persian prince or that guy i had met on carter road once, since they both look spookily similar.

i wish so much that i knew/know what i want. it’ll be so much easier that way to work towards it. now, for all one knows, i might be working towards going in a totally different direction from what i really want .. if only i knew what it is. veer, if only i could call you and ask, and you’d simply tell me.

i think/feel that it’s not that everyone gets what they deserve. it’s that everyone gets only what they have been working towards (knowingly or un-), and hence they deserve it. so maybe i am working towards something unpleasant unconsciously, but since it’s my doing, i’ll have to take it, whatever comes.

i had a weird dream last night. i saw that i am 4 months pregnant and regretting that i didn’t abort it when i had the chance and i am really depressed about it. i don’t know what i am feeling today. i am really happy, relaxed, at peace, but i am also really sad, and feel gloomy.

EOD | 8:38 pm
i still haven’t been able to figure out why i am feeling or rather i am not sure if i am feeling happy or sad. i have been really hungry and eating a lot of late, past 3-5 days. and my hair has thinned out, they have been falling a lot since this past one month, and now since this past week or so i am noticing the bundle is just too thin. :( i love my hair. i hope and pray that they don’t all fall. maybe an evil eye? nazar? thu! thu! i need someone to take it off me. :0/

i had a weird dream last night, and had a very uncomfortable sleep in the early hours, i woke up, on my own, around 5 i think. i saw vampires and a lot of “unholy” stuff, symbols and structures and such, and i remember feeling very stuffy. and i woke up because of this cigarette smell i felt in my nostrils, and for a moment i thought i am lying on the bed in our NN house in delhi where i grew up. the window there opened up to the road, though there was a small garden between the window and the road. so one could feel the stink if someone was smoking outside near the window. but within seconds of opening my eyes i realized that i am in pune.

i miss being in NN, though i’d never go live there now, now in this time. actually i miss THAT time, when i was in my teens. then it was a lot of fun. life in general was a lot of fun. happiness was abundant, like for any average youth i guess. the cigarette smell was real though. i actually smelt it. but it’s not really possible as we live on the 2nd floor and the window glass was shut. strange. sometimes i feel that this area that we live in is very spooky.

yes, i am eventually back today in the real world. body and soul. and i feel nice. not like last week. last week i was rotten. i reached pune on wednesday. it was a really nice train ride from vasco till pune. we had fun, me and cy. and cy made friends with these 4 li’l girls sitting in the coupe adjacent to our side seats. the new rail coaches have 3 sleeper berths on the sides also now. apparently it’s lalu’s new idea. very uncomfortable. i didn’t think it’s such a good idea. thankfully cy had a separate seat and since she slept on my berth itself, we didn’t need to open the middle berth, otherwise it would’ve been hell as i don’t sleep so well in trains and need to sit comfortably.

i will plan next year’s travel out properly.

though initially i was apprehensive about stepping into 2008, like a new bride who knows that the coming step has to be taken but is generally feeling … skeptic. but i feel good now, now that the new year has come and gone. i feel more at peace with myself, and ok with whatever comes my way. talu has been asking about the dubai trip, and so have the parents. but talu, seriously, it’ll be very expensive. and like i mentioned already, i need to shell out fee and donation etc for cy’s school that’ll be starting this year. doesn’t seem doable. :( though i really wished to show abu-dhabi - dubai belt to cy before parents move out of there for good. lessee!! insha allah.

i am planning to go to mumbai this or the next weekend. i wanna buy a laptop, new, 30-35k. Z bought an acer, and it seems to be doing pretty well. nothing at all like the stupid piece of junk named IBM thinkpad that i own. all it does is think and does not let me do anything. grrrrrr…… what a huge waste of so much of money. everytime i think about it …

i have spent a lot these past days.

wow! it felt strange typing in the password to this site after so many days. it’s like when you don’t really care about seeing that guy you’d been dating for some time, and just pick up his call not knowing what you might say.

or maybe, i just don’t feel that chatty anymore. i haven’t even given any imaginary interviews for quite some time now. i started putting some and time in some time separately since MS Word started giving me red squigglies under sometime. and it has become a habit now. coming back to my teerathyatra. it has been good. no storms, no lulls after the storm, just a regular, rushing river water gushing past by.

it was nice to see comments from mukta and harman when i logged in. i didn’t think anyone visited this site anymore. :) a sweet new year gift i guess. thanks. well guys, my new year was awesome. had the best time ever. i cancelled my mumbai plans and spent both christmas and new years’ in goa. i lived with this huge awesome family, so loving, sweet with some fights and arguements and always load of hugs and kisses in the end. the food was awesome, the parties were the wildest ever, booze flowed heavier than the ganges and the beaches .. wow, the beaches. wow! i lived a lifetime in those 8 days. and i am happy now, and a bit scared. scared because coming back to work today i think i am going to have some bit of a problem adjusting back to this “(no)life”.

i think i wanna open some shop in goa. selling anything, doing anything. for the six months of the “season”. i think it’s a very enriching experience. especially for my little angel. she was so happy there, so in her element. anyways, back to reality. i wouldn’t say i am all “geared up” to take on anything. my each individual limb is a bit sleepy and drowsy, though yesterday when we reached pune i felt great, and alive, and very fresh. maybe it’s a hang over from so much of relaxation and peace.

i look forward to the coming 12 months of year 2008.

happy new year everyone.