bzzzzzzzzzzz…………….

i am a stupid person. i am intelligent in acknowledging and accepting that.

i am mature because i realize that i am immature. and i am just fine with that.

last night was the second time i saw death in my dreams. not mine. both of these guys i don’t know. last night’s dream, i remember this photograph. i am hugging these two people, sandwitched between the two, it’s a very warm, full of happiness photograph, the three of us laughing, and a fourth person pointing at us and laughing. the guy who dies later in my dream, in the photograph is hugging me and i am hugging him, and there’s another guy hugging us both from my back. the guy in my arms is rally good-looking, cute rather, with soft brown hair. he falls from the roof and dies, and now i am spending my days, missing him each and every moment, missing him terribly in everything i see, wanting, trying to force time, wishing for the clock to rewind, to that moment when he slipped, due to whatever stupid, silly move he made when he was standing on the edge on the roof. to stop him, hold him. and now life is this dreary .. struggle, to keep breathing, struggle to make through each moment without him.

a lot happened after that .. all mostly related to his death, i feel too tired to narrate it.

just one beautiful moment, though it’s part of the same story, but the feel is different. i have reached this place, very far from home. its a strange mix of delhi and mumbai. i am at marine drive, the sea is on the left but the road looks a lot like any busy, crowded road in purani dilli. but i am loving the sea, it’s beautiful, clean, and very inviting and people are generally strolling down this beach beyond the marine drive sea-wall. and i think of calling veer there. and then i think that it’ll take all day to go back home and get him there. then i think of just calling him thinking that he should be able to make it on his own.

ah! i am dying to die.
but i am scared of this death.
cos i don’t know what the re-birth will bring.
my heart is a little child right now.
shouting, screaming, jumping with excitement,
pushing me to take the plunge,
soar high, not knowing if the wings will work,
not caring …

ah! i am dying to die.
but i am scared of this death.

i saw dino morea very clearly in a dream last night. it was a very clear, very real-like dream. he looked … good. he had a beard, short-crop, and a wise, mature, sad (not in a negative way, but that of a wisdom that stills you) look about his face. it suited him a lot.

a thought that came to my mind when i was lovingly looking at cy’s face in the morning:

pyar se banta hai, pyara.

it wouldn’t sound as sweet in english, but here goes: with love is made lovely. (but here beautiful will be more appropriate. lovely is the literal translation of the hindi word ‘pyara’)

but it’s so difficult to maintain that .. love; the pure feeling. at least i, and my emotions get significantly affected by redundant external forces. like something happened at work and i might lose my job and i don’t have any savings etc. i shouldn’t … feel fear .. or anger … i should just feel love. love that then i can pass on to my child. my “lovely” child, my beautiful child.

the weekend, was the cherry on the cake … ahh!!! so restful, so relaxed, such a beautiful dream i hated waking up from. the entire sunday afternoon i spent sprawled in the balcony under a light blue, soft, brightly lit sky, marked here and there with soft, cotton-puffs of clouds. and the moon was also there. as if a cloud had given away a small baby piece of its own in a perfect crescent shape. i stared at it for so long, as long as i could. and then i turned my head a bit on the pillow (i was lying on a mat spread on the balcony floor, we have a railing on the balcony and not a wall, so the view is clear when one is lying on the ground), and saw two hawks/eagles some such on the branch of this tree not far towards the top. they used to sit for a while and fly away and come back again, i think there was a nest there, which i couldn’t locate because of the dense growth. the landing was so smooth. they used to just swipe in, and land on the branch next to their nest in one smooth swoosh. i still haven’t been able to locate that bird with the sing-song call.

ah! there’s these group/couple of weaver birds in our building premises, weaving those awesome nests that hang from a branch, long, straw pipe with globules-like rooms inside of them. it’s awesome .. just standing there and watching them.

it started in my teens
when i was quite
pre-occupied ..
with no occupation
when the wind used to busy me
with its sweet rustling sounds
when the clouds
carried me away to distant worlds
it started in my teens
i don’t remember the day
i just remember the agony
of this itch in my ear

first i used ear-buds
then sundry pins
even sticks and slender knitting needles
yes, iron nails too
and then just about anything
that would go in and stay
and scratch
i dripped oil drops
i puy lotions
i laid my head
in sundry laps
i pleaded, i begged
shouted,
reminded people of promises
made and kept
i manipulated
calculated and contrived
just to get rid
of this itch in my ear

and now it’s been ages
i move about
like an expert
with the wisdom of years
the coolth of rare knowledge
but still there are times
sometimes
a shiver goes up my body
i squirm under its power
i run around looking
searching
for something
anything
anything hard
that’d go in and stay
and scratch
and satisfy
this strange, somatic pull
of this itch in my ear

i have had a good, productive week. tiring, but somewhat satisfying.

It’s a shame.

all animals lovers should boycott salman khan’s movies. i never saw them anyways..

it’s getting stronger now. this weird uneasiness. every morning when i come to office, i am mostly in a happy mood. i love mornings. and then i open the mailbox, and see 50-60 mails .. sometimes even 70-80-132 … and my heart sinks. i don’t enjoy this. i’m not having “fun” anymore. i didn’t want to do this.

i don’t know about outside of this country, but in this country, there are hardly any “men” (in the true sense). no such doubts about the “essence” of the female gender as females in this country are MADE to be females so much so that it’s … repulsive. but no one teaches men to be men. rather they are taught to be whiny li’l saplings, throwing tantrums, no idea what it is to be self-sufficient and independent, completely dependent on the female forms around them, physically and emotionally. no wonder there are many single moms around but hardly any single dad. guys just shirk away any kind of responsibility … even for themselves. it’s sad. another reason for the nation to be going the way it is going.

i had the most amazing saturday after a long, long time. me and cy had an amazing time, playing, talking, running around the building with her friends. though we missed ratatouille yet again. i had planned to get tickets booked for the sunday morning rs 70 show, but by the time i logged on around 8 last evening, it was house full. i just hope they’re still showing it next week. :) this time, we’ll definitely go sat morning.

i just had a yummy, very filling, and very full-filling breakfast of makki+methi roti, with a bowlful of fresh malai (milk cream). yummm!!! i love malai. for some sad reason my big round tummy is not making me feel bad … but i did promise myself a good 1 hr in the pool. lessee!!

yesterday was crazy. i was running around all day, and by the end of it, at 10:22 pm, i couldn’t sit on my laptop. my eyeslids were shutting on themselves, the head felt it would drop off i was so sleepy .. i haven’t felt this extreme tired since .. i don’t know .. i don’t even remember. someone please give me loads of money so i can retire and go to the canary islands.

in girtey-padtey
raat-dino, din-raaton ko
jab chuppi se
dekha mainey
kuchh dikha nahi
kuchh mila nahi
har ichha ko phenka mainey

i had a very disturbing and scary dream in the morning just now. it starts with some stupid, silly things i am doing with a coupla guys … kinda like drunk and laughing and running and pushing each other around. it’s night time and the place is the road in KP (where i live) that leads to my house, but we are in this house kind of a place which is built on that road. i can’t exactly remember what happens and then those guys leave and now there are my parents in the house. my mom is somewhere in the background, and i guess veer too and dad is asking my to go lock the outer gate and then lock the house from inside, i think we are retiring for the night. remember, it’s built on a road, so the house has that longish, aisle-like feel. i start walking towards the door, step out of the house structure, out into a yard-like place to go to the outer gate … and suddenly come into my view two lionesses, two large, healthy looking, beige colored lionesses, one sitting on the ground and one lazily walking around. i freeze in my steps, my breathing stops, to say that i was scared will be an understatement. an apt phrase in hindi, ultey-paanv i turn back and swiftly enter the house and quietly shut the doors and bolt them. i excitedly tell my dad that there are lions just outside our door. suddenly we hear noises. at this point, the scene has changed. though we are still in the/a house, but it’s a different house, apparently at a height, like it’s build on a hill or something. i see that there are people playing about, children and all towards the right .. it’s a pretty garden. i am looking around, panning from left to right of my entire vision. and suddenly my eyes begin focusing on something in the distance towards the left. there’s a tree, and under the tree is a big lion, and just under the lion’s mouth is a man, lying unconscious it seems, wearing dark blue denims and a light blue tee. suddenly, slowly, the man kind of turns and lifts a knee. the lion roars and bites into his raised knee and starts chomping. the lion then picks the man up in his mouth and starts moving, in the direction of my house but much towards the left so that he is pretty much away. i am shocked and really scared. suddenly i see a novel like book in my hand which i think i have picked from a shelf by the window from where i am watching all this. i realize that the author of the book is that guy in the lion’s mouth. there’s a funny, cartoonish picture of that guy on the cover. in the meantime, the people in the garden towards the right have also noticed the lions (there are many around now) and have started running around screaming. and i am cursing the government and the police for all this. weirdly enough there’s daylight around, or everything is really well-lit, though i know that it’s night time. and i am telling dad that i return home so damn late at night so many times, a lion could have taken me any of those times and i am shit scared. suddenly we hear more screaming coming from another direction. we all run towards the end room and this room has a balcony. apparently, a big family has come from somewhere in a big sumo and got down there not knowing that there are lions around. and now two lions (lionesses actually) have surrounded them. one is running towards the sumo, the driver is shit scared and trying to drive away quickly but is somehow unable to … and the other lioness is dashing towards this screaming mother-daughter pair, trying to jump up the steep hill towards the right of our high balcony. we are all watching aghast, helpless, unable to do anything. and suddenly i notice that cy is down there. excited by all that screaming, she has somehow managed to go down the hill just below our balcony, and the hill has a step-like descent. she is unable to come back up and is screaming and crying and the lioness is nearby. i start shouting hysterically, continuously shouting an screaming and hitting sul who’s standing near-by for having let cy out of her sight. sul is just standing there looking at me irritatingly like, “what can i do now?” and i am shouting and screaming and crying at the top of my voice, “CY****, CY****, CY****, …” and veer is quickly coming towards me …

i woke up at that very instant, my heart still crying out loud…