life is strange. but i guess that’s what makes it what it is. but at times you wanna punch it in the face and then shout … out loud, and wish that ..

or maybe it’s just offering a new adventure, and you just need to take a deep breath, forget the aching paining joints and run for it …

this past weekend was really good. i and cy were in m’bai. and thanks to M we did what we hadn’t done in 2 years. we went to bandra, to andheri, to versova. it was awesome. thanks M. though i m sure it must’ve been taxing for her as she drove the car for almost half the day, starting at 7 in the morning. when we reached bandstand and M showed cy shahrukh khan’s house cy asked ever so sweetly, “can we go see him?” and she said it so simply, so matter of factly .. it was really cute. it took some minutes to explain to her that you can’t just go ring the door bell of someone’s house. but she completely understood when i reminded her how mommy gets pissed everytime the door bell rings, esp when mommy isn’t expecting anyone.

last night i felt it. i little flicker of hope. it sent a wave of exhiliration throughout my being. and then suddenly, i caught a glimpse of what it really was. a flicker. that’s all. a litte glow worm in the night. showing promise of light, of day … but there isn’t any.

marriage is an understanding, of a responsibility, when you instinctively side-line your individual interest(s), for the greater interest or good of (a) family. this lays the foundation of “true love” a relation that realizes peace and complete contentment. vice versa, “true love” is an understanding which might, if so desired, lead to such a marriage. a marriage that does not require proof or witnessing, definitely not a paper or a procedure or process.

today, yet again, i had a clear, bright vision of what i want to do in life. my dream. the only thing stopping me is money. a friend suggested “investors”. ah! if only it was that easy … well, i’m not saying that it’s very difficult .. it’s difficult to make such huge life-starts with a baby in the vicinity. like, i need to be making money right now .. it’s imperative. i can do without it, my baby can’t. so i can’t just “try” new things, things i am not sure will work out. and i do believe that one (I) CAN make it work out, but it’s the time factor that’s most scary. and for that too i need money. enough money to last for God only knows how long .. well, at least a year. tut!

my lower has been working for some days. i hope everything’s fine. someone i know gave me the no of this guy very near where i live. a holistic healer; with the words cranio, kinesio somewhere in the bulleted list. that reminds me, i need to google the terms..

i looooove gobhi paranthas, with butter and/or desi ghee. yummm!! i wish i could have one right now … :)

i wish you’d understand the feelings on an empty screen o reader, for i’d rather not express what i feel here and risk getting dooced.

it’d be nice to have a technology that could work on the lines of telepathy and just kinds “transfer” information into a (selected) readers brain without the need for the data/text to be seen “out here”. hmmm…

just to make money … * sigh *

…and whoever decided that breasts as-they-are look vulgar so please bind them .. huh!!

sunday’s thought: i don’t hate life; i just hate to live.

last night was weird, strange … or was it just my tummy gone awry .. as usual. i tried to cry, but nothing came out, so maybe there was no reason to, and then i just cursed Shm, my favorite thing to do aajkal, forcefully, with all my might, hoping it’d hit him in his balls.

dear God. is there anger within me? why? i’d never thought …

but first, something i have been meaning to do for quite some time now.

Smu, i am sorry. i am really, truly sorry for all the hurt i caused you. i hope you understand that i was a dimwit, immature, stupid little child then and didn’t give much thought to anything but just recklessly drove this vehicle, my life. sorry!

1:14 pm:
i know what was wrong last night. nothing. :)

maybe i am at the wrong place. but this very place was very right for me sometime back. maybe it’s just this year 2007. it’s been a race since it started in Goa for us, me. i have not been able to sit still. every weekend there’s something or the other to be done and the 2 days meant for rest whizz past like 2 mins. same with the week-days .. the days are so packed with so much to do that i don’t even realize when the week gets over. and i don’t know whether it’s good or bad. whether i am making progress, or just letting (good) time slip by without even noticing it.

my landlord has increased rent considerably, saying that the market rate has increased considerably. i just LOVE this place, and cy has so many friends here, and we are both really happy, and settled here. so i agreed. i have a spare room in the flat. i’d thought i’ll give that on rent for 1/3rd of the rent that i pay. but hasn’t happened still. i haven’t found anyone. i am a bit (maybe a lot) choosey about who comes to live with me. with M gone, Z happy with her own roommates, S not at all ready to leave dilli, and piti not at all ready to leave b’bay, i am stuck with no one to pay me rent to live with me … * sigh * :)

and on top of that my horrid IBM laptop is not performing at all. as of now i see it as nothing but a huge waste of a good rs 80k. i could’ve done so much with that 80k. i don’t have one thing worth even 8-10k in my house … and i spend 80k on a piece of metal that doesn’t even let me run MS Word and MS Powerpoint together. i just get over the feeling that i have been duped by the guy who sold it to me. augurwell i think.

or maybe i am just bored. of having to be able to spend some good wholesome time with myself and with cy. maybe i should take a trip to mumbai. it’s been a long, long time.

i haven’t been remembering my dreams of late. mostly because i haven’t been caring to. there’s this one visual i remember tho (coupla days back) … i was in the kitchen of out NN house and mom (i see her a lot in my dreams) had left a gas burner on at maximum under this huge pot (or maybe it’s a pressure cooker?), and i am just scowling at her and she is saying that she has become very old and can’t remember things now.

or maybe i am just pissed, rather feeling miserable, about the fact that it’s awesome weather outside and i am bound inside a concrete building 10-8 mostly. and pre-10 time whizzes past doing the regular morning thingies (mostly sleep) that i am not able to gather the sweet pearly moments in my mind.

the problem with working from home is that i don’t have enough to start with. and i don’t know if i have the patience, or conviction (i definitely don’t have the money) to ‘build’ a network that would provide a constant supply of work and give me enough money. and the definition of ‘enough money’ is again varied for everyone one meets.

when cy was about a yr old, maybe less, i’d developed partial facial paralysis due to a molar swelling complication. apparently the swelling was putting pressure on a facial nerve thereby causing facial nerve palsy. since then, sometimes (i feel under physical stress) my right cheek twitches. it’s really funny .. :) like just now, i was talking on some ’serious’ stuff with my boss and it started twitching. i had to take my hand to my cheek and massage it. i wonder if he could see the twitch. :)

i used to talk to myself a lot in my teens. giving interviews to imaginary reporters mostly, and posing for imaginary photographers swamping me anywhere/everywhere i went. it used to be good fun. but now i think it rather helped me, becoming what i am today. so much talking about my self showed me a lot of things about me to me that i might not have known otherwise. and the feeling that i am constantly being watched, by photographers, the reporters, and the entire world always kept me on my toes, esp when it came to dealing with people, making ‘politeness’ come easily to me.

life now is such a contrast. no one’s watching me, no one cares. and i am rather glad. sometimes sad that i don’t have more money, but overall thankful. more sad that i have to work to earn money, but still, thankful. thank you God. thank you universe. thank you cool breeze and the green trees, for hope, cheer, and oxygen. thanks to everyone.

it’s been really, really hectic of late at work. it’s getting annoying now. i have been feeling so tired of late. so physically tired. so tired that i don’t just wanna take a break, i wanna break-away. but how .. where ..

where do people with no money go? where else, but the streets. * sigh *

the weather is getting cold here. rain and cold. really uncomfortable. i miss the pool. i braved the cool winds and went swimming last sat eve, and my toes and fingers didn’t warm back to reg body temperature till late night.