things i have inherited:

from mom:
constant state of anxiety
sleeping posture
clingy behavior with child
love of sweets
love of food
self-sufficiency
love of independence
being polite
caring nature (esp towards animals)
panic attacks
love of private space
unkeeness towards sharing towel or other shower accessories (tho i have improved a lot on that due to living with friends most of the times)
a belief that marriage is a redundant institution
wanting complete emotional devotion from child

from dad:
love of shopping
love of clothes i can’t afford
love of eating out (basically going out and staying out)
mole on the left side of nose
a golu nose
pot belly
scratching of bum
way of looking cross with child
way of snapping at child (i have controlled that almost completely now)
generosity (towards those favored)
ego
toe nails formation

from grandmother:
feeling of wanting to crap during times of emotional upheavels (even small ones affect the tummy in a gurgling manner .. for example interviews)

two weird dreams. rather really small parts that i remember. last to last night i saw that i am at the edge of this natural pool. it’s like a mud pool, but the mud is hard so the water is clear, crystal clear. and its not deep. a couple of kids are cycling in the pool with the water coming up just till the pedals. and then suddenly i notice an edge within the pool crossing which the pond-bed level suddenly drops and the water is really deep, crystal clear but deep. and i don’t know if i am there or not, but there are 4 people and suddenly one of them drops and he/she can’t swim and is going deeper into the crystal clear depths, then the next person jumps and he/she can’t swim either. and then the 3rd one turns and looks at me, or whoever is standing there. and i can hear the question, really loud, should we be alive if they die? they’re our really good friends…

and last night, i am in this house, completely unfamiliar surroundings, but i know its my house, and shm is there. we are fighting, real bad. though i don’t know about what. and then this call comes, it’s about a very ‘lucrative’ position in a good company. but shm’s just not letting me talk. and then he starts punching me. real bad, hard. and one moment i am shouting at him, protecting myself, and the other i am talking really politely into the fone asking them to call me back in some time. it was really weird.

today morning, both i and cy, esp cy, had a harrowing time. though in a way it was my fault, i admit. i have been mentioning cy’s tooth decay saga of late. someone in my building told me about this “good doctor” esp for kids and i went there to show cy’s teeth and get yet another opinion. not only is that doctor, a dr monika desai not a pedodontist, (which is why i should never have gone there in the first place), she doesn’t have the slightest inkling of how to deal with 5 yr old patients. she traumatized poor cy big time, scaring her, maybe scarring her for god only knows how long. i was an accomplice too, i am guilty, i admit. she was half way through into cy’s jaw, i felt that if we stopped mid-way, it might be bad for cy. so i held her, when she started screaming, and grabbed her hard. what amazed me in the end was that our completely child behavior ignorant dr monika desai termed poor cy’s very natural reaction as ‘4th grade tantrum thrower’. whatever that means. as if she wouldn’t raise hell if someone caught her against her wishes and grabbed her and pried opened her mouth doing all sorts of things in there. my poor, poor baby. she was just fine when i took her previously to those other two pedodontists. tut! tut! all my fault.

what made me truly angry in the end was that instead of realizing her short-comings in handling 3 ft something patients, she called cy SPOILT, and told me that i am not doing a good job raising her, and that i need to slap her. actually what’s truly making me angry is that i didn’t slap our not so good dr monika desai. and on top of that i paid her rs 1300, for crumbling cy’s comfort level with dentists. people like that should be sued. and now i feel like a napunsak. ah!!!!

when i was a kid, i let veer down, and now that i am a mom, i let my baby down. *sigh*

the stupid population increased because of the stupid “society”. the “midd-al class”. get married, have babies, or else get lost. and everyone got married and had babies. how pathetic can the state-of-affairs be.

i like the color green. though i never had any favorites as i like all colors, but i think i like green. :)

in response to M’s comment:

Yes. Yellow has been my favorite, but i didn’t want to sound biased, which i realize that i already did by saying that i like green. yellow, you know i like you too dearly. *kisses* i did have you in my mind when i was typing it out in the morning.

i love sun-flowers, i love the sun, they both remind me of cy’s radiating, smiling face. i love the yellow curtains in my living room …

dino morea should change his hair style. that might work for him .. or that might get him some work .. hehe!!

i haven’t posted in ages. actually i have not been getting any time to. work’s been (really) hectic. in a good way. and weekends too zoom past like crazy. i haven’t had some time to myself in a long time. the year started like that, and i wonder if i am going to be running-around like crazy all through.

i have been meaning to post this thought for the past one month now, but haven’t been getting any time. its more of an observation than thought. i think that a guy’s … tool (size) is directly proportional to the size and make of his forearm.

i have also been thinking about shutting down this site and start anew. with something more “mature”.

i have been attending this training organized by office for the past couple of weeks. its daily 2 hrs. and now i have this continous headache … and i am beginning to feel that it’s consistently increasing with each session. ah!

the urge to have a husband is growing. cy likes to be with her friends more and more, even when i reach home in the evenings. instead of rushing into my arms like she used to, she just waves from far-off and goes back to the enchanted circle. when the true enchantment lies in the love of her mother. *sigh* a husband will be good at such times. i can make him growl and scream and scare her into coming back home DOT AT 7:30 pm.

cy’s dentist has recommended 10 root canals (with 6 cappings), 2 extractions, and 2-3 fillings for her. all this after knocking her out by a “really good” anesthesiologist in a good hospital. he’s given me a total bill of about rs 50k. 26k his own and about 80% (give or take 5k) on that the hospital’s bill for using their equipment, room, drugs, anesthesiologist etc. i am getting a 2nd opinion now. the pedodontist a neighbour had recommended is on a month long leave. i think i’ll go to mumbai next weekend and see a pedodontist there in a hospital i know and kinda trust. lessee. oh, and she’s also to have a wired stopper kind of a thing for her lower jaw so that her current teeth/tooth stay(s) in place and don’t gradually move into the space created by her decayed, now broken and lost tooth, where a new tooth is supposed to come at age 10-11. *sigh* my poor, poor baby. i have been a bad mommy. :(

8:00 pm [still in office ... :(]

i got a new swimming cap. as usual, the way i shop, i just walked into planet sports, asked for a cap, and then i clearly remember asking about size and they so confidently told me ‘free size madam’. i got it for 400 rs (399 to be precise). last evening, i rushed back from office trying to make it home by 7:15 as the pool closes by 8. i hurry into my swim suit, rush down to the pool with cy, the cap in my hand. and when i try to stretch the cap over my head, it slips. if i pull from front it slips from behind, when i pull from behind, it slips from the front. i eventually had to jump into the water without the cap, yet again letting the chlorine ruin my hair. today it the morning, i picked up the cap case (thank God i hadn’t thrown it) and saw the label. it said junior. now if i go and call that planet sport attendent a chu**** they accuse me of whatever. but go i will, and maintain a cool demeanor. and thank the lord again for i, due to some miraculous reason, hadn’t thrown the bill. otherwise they wouldn’t even entertain me. i should be compensated for making the faltu ka trip.

i saw dino morea’s pic in the paper today. wow! it seems like another lifetime. how i had … yearned for him and sent him silly SMSs. :) Dino, if you are reading this, please excuse my silly deeds … i had nothing better to do i guess … also, my heart has a brain of its own. :)

last night’s dream was nice. besides a lot of other things, i clearly remember being in this place, an ashram like place, where my mom has come to stay for a awhile, and after settling her in the quaint room, I and Cy go out for a walk. there’s this … creature we were calling a camel, but it had a long slender trunk. rather, it was an elephant, but brown and slim and thin like a camel, and it smiled. like when it saw that i have a child along, it gladly came out of its … pen!?! and shook our hands with its trunk, smiling broadly, as if saying nice to have met you and all. i remember having that we were kinda feeling yucky about the smell the trunk shake left in our hands. the walk back to the ashram was nice. cool and breezy, as if the hills were very near. :)

i have entered this shopping mode since past 1 month or so. when i reach home, my feet literally start itching to go out and … buy something. :(