i had a really bad few minutes last night. i was really sad and the agony made my heart sink and i felt the signature pressure kinda thingie in my left arm. i cautioned myself, took some deep breaths and forced a smile on my face. there’s no way i can afford to stay anything but healthy .. for my baby, my darling angel.

life is a video game .. you cross one level successfully, there’s another one double difficult. *sigh* .. i have been feeling so alone of late .. i wonder if its a woman thing … esp when things are not going the way they should.

i am really angry right now. cos i am not able to get done what i want to get done. i am feeling so angry. and like an ass i have been so nice to him till now. i could’ve very well not even spoken to him again, ever again. but i did .. cos i am an ASS. not only i kept the talk channels open, we were “friendly” (i thank the universe for such small words that can hide within them such big things). and now i see that just like he had turned me around, force bend me over, and given a huge kick on my ass, which is all of me now, all that time back, he’s doing the same thing again … cos i am letting him. cos i am such an ass.

anyone wants an ass .. for free?

yet again. i feel a craving for something yummy. this time more liquidy .. a thick soup or something .. don’t mind bits of dimsum in it .. or maybe slushy noodles.

or maybe a kadi .. ummm … i love kadi with pakoras in it. i haven’t had good kadi in decades. the way mom used to make it. the next time mom is here, i’ll ask her to make some kadi-chawal, and maybe also saag … cy’s never had saag. i love saag and makki roti with mooli. *sigh* .. if i had a personal genie, s/he’d poof get me a bowlful of yummy kadi with pakoras.

post lunch: 1:59 pm

like i was just telling my friends. there is a god. i asked for kadi-pakoras, and a friend had got kofta curry for lunch. koftas are a lot like the pakoras in the kadi. thank you god. :)

now i wanna have something sweet. i think i’ll go down to McD’s and get a softy.

i went looking for solace
in the daily horoscopes
in the weekly predictions
around the seconds
over the minutes
onto teh clouds
and beyond the mountains
all i could see
was backs
hard, cold, stone slabs
unhearing, unshakeable

its been weird. i haven’t been able to access my own site from my own laptop at home. i just am not able to figure out what might be going wrong. as in, the log-in page comes, but when i enter my username and password and click enter, nothing happens. it says at the bottom ‘transferring data …’ and then it says ‘Done’, but nothing happens on the screen. i wonder .. *sigh* there was so much i wanted to write this weekend. after a long, long break … rather back breaking time at work that completely kept me away from everything personal. i was glad just to have been able to spend time with my baby, my darling angel. and i had really interesting dreams .. and obviously i can’t remember anything now. i remember seeing my first boy friend though. and we were in a place where i was born, and stayed for about the first 7 years of my life.

last evening was beautiful. i went for a long, really satisfying walk, after the first time since this new year. and then when i was near home, thanking the universe for the lovely breeze i felt on my face, i saw this huge white bird fly pretty low. and then it went and sat on a low branch on a nearby tree right by the road. i went close and was so, so, so thrilled to see that it was a white owl. a big white owl. it looked awesome. just awesome … its round face so white, so pretty .. it looked awesome !!! i was so happy, so glad .. thankful.

but today i feel the opposite. i feel sleepy, sad, .. scared and insecure. maybe i miss .. family. how stupid. i’ve never believed in this .. dependency on anyone. but today .. i wish i was near family. am i feeling weak? scared? of what? .. maybe i am just tired and sleepy and just wanna go home and sleep. maybe its the knowledge that i don’t have money. i wish i was stronger than this. maybe i can’t help shrug this feeling that i didn’t do what i should’ve. maybe i don’t have the capacity to do what i should. and what i can and what i do ends being a total .. waste.

look at me. i am back on my blog after so long and i am being such a cry baby. let me think nice thoughts. like last evening. it was a beautiful evening. the breeze was beautiful. i saw some people in the pool. but i think i’ll wait till mid-march or so to go swim. the water feels cold .. and i don’t want cy catching a cold. she doesn’t wanna come out of the water once she goes in .. at times her lips turn light blue.

at times, i wish i was with shm. living with him, the way we did in that liitle house, like a tree house atop an old cement bargad up in the concrete jungle. hustling, bustling with crowds all the time. its comforting .. at times .. the thought of having a ’spouse’. no universe. there’s no “wish” involved here. please pay no heed and go about your business fulfilling other people’s wishes. i love my single being. :)

there was a time i was thinking about going to china and try and get cy admission in the shaolin temple. i wonder if its open for girls.

the makers of the movie ‘water’ were kicked out of india during its shooting. no one even raised a finger, forget protest or raise a voice against the hooliganism that decrees its own rules and laws here in the land of sadhus. the goons of the land decided that they will not let the shooting of the movie go on, and they did what they wanted, with no law agency coming to the help of the poor movie makers. its the done thing here now.

anyways, they went out of india, completed the movie, and now the movie has been nominated for the oscars.

and look at the media now. the shameless people are actually calling it an “indian” movie that has actually been nominated for the oscars. they should die in chullu-bhar paani.

have been really, really busy for many days now and will be for many more days to come at work due to this project i am on. i was on a railway station again last to last night in my dream. last night i saw a lot of little snippets about/with a lot of people. and i was happy in each and every one of them. like this one particular one where i was jumping around with my mommy our arms on each other’s waist merrily talking, singing, … it was a good, happy collage of a lot of dreams.

since the day we returned from goa, i have not been able to wake up at a decent hour in the mornings. when the alarm rings at 7 am, it feels the middle of the night and i vaguely remember dragging my feet till my fone that’s shouting (i keep it away deliberately so that i actually get up and walk to it), pick it up, punch it a ‘please be quite’ and collapse back in bed. sul insists that that’s what happens in the winter months (irrespective of whether its cold or not), so not to worry, its completely natural. :( .. i miss getting up in the mornings. i love getting up in the mornings.