i have started a new book. autobiography of a yogi - by paramahansa yogananda. sorry M, i got it from your room when you are not here. but i really needed to read.

rest is as usual. nothing much happening .. which is good. i like this soft, sure rhythmn. sun comes up, stays for a while and then goes down the other side. i have started loving the weekends even more now .. the afternoons have acquired this new beauty of the approaching winters. the brightness has a new sweetness, like dripping with love. i can keep sitting in the balcony for ever, everyday, every afternoon. its beautiful.

last evening, i felt bad. cos’ i was feeling so good. i was feeling good, cos there was a reason. and that’s what i felt, not so good about. about having a reason to feel that good. i was literally walking on air. i wish i could feel that good all the time for no reason at all. :)

i finished roots (by alex haley). thanks M. M had gifted this book to me .. and i’m so glad now that she did. its beautiful. though he’s finished the story at break-neck speed towards the end. i think its the first almost non-fictional account that i have read. i’m not so much into non-fiction. i am rather, and like to be, ‘away from reality’, as some know that about me by now. :)

somewhere towards the end of the book, this thought came into my mind, how so few people understand the true meaning of love. i don’t either. but whatever fraction of it i have understood, has left me so thirsty to know more. and what i felt reading that book was that, its not just about just love, as in loving adn caring for someone. its also so much about responsibility. about lovingly making your loved ones lives good, better, positive.

my first attempt at a rangoli. i shuld’ve drawn it on paper first for practice. i missed a count and made 6 rows of dots on either side instead of the required 7, hence the utter disheveled design. :)

and here’s our little prayer-place arrangement. :)

i just fell in love with the diyas in the front and bought them at an exorbitant price of rs 10 each (you can get a dozen regular ones for rs 10). the bigger diya behind and the 5-diya diwali also seemed like they were made for just me. :) .. so i got them too. the smaller diya on the extreme right is Cy’s .. she got it from her school diwali mela .. my sweetheart. *Muah* .. bless you.

the ‘prasad’ on the left (made by Sul) is of onion and egg-plants pakoras and suji halwa with raisins. yum! yum!

i am wearing a saree today, and feeling really shitty. its traditional day in our office. actually, though the saree is nice, its not what i’d choose to wear. i wore it cos i have worn it only once before since i bought it and did kinda like it before today. actually its this heavyness in its pallu and the bottom fall. both are made of this heavier, yellow-gold, zari kinda material, and the rest of the sari is a dark, night blue. not only its not day-time wear, its restricting my movements and pissing me off each passing moment.

i think i’ll go home around lunch time and change into a cotton saree.

i had a weird dream last night. there’s this guy in office who really disgusts me. he was caressing my legs and that excited me. yikes!!!

interestingly enough, the buddha left his wife, our guru nanak left his wife, lord krishna had 36000 wives (wow!!), and ram, who did decide to stick with one spouse had a turbulent married life. maybe god is against marriage, and that is why there is so much pain, negativity in the world.

wow! its been a weird time .. these past weeks. i’ve felt .. ‘different’ somehow. like i was somewhere else, maybe gone for a vaccation (not the relaxed, restful types), and now i am back .. or maybe still on the way. i have been feeling ‘different’ in the mornings, in the sunny, dusty afternoons, in the tired evenings, and in the sleepless nights (which pass by with ‘Roots-Alex haley’ in my hands, and in my mind) .. the other day i called Cy, Kunta Kinte, the protagonist till now in the book. as usual, every morning, the alarm rings at 6, and 6:15 again, but my head feels groggy, its surface like sand-stone, and my body feels heavy and tired, and i go back to sleep, happily, joyfully.

i wish i’d join some yoga classes again. i’ll ask around if there’s something i can afford.

had planned to go to goa this coming week. but the sugary sweet plans of sitting by the beach, under the cool shade of a tree, watching Cy play in the sand, went out the window when i couldn’t get any tickets for goa. i don’t even wanna think bus .. 12 hrs with a baby in a bud. Ahh!!! … maybe someday .. someday, when everything is just right.

i went on a date with this guy. liked this one thing he mentioned (and agree with it). God/creater (if there is one) created us for her/his/its entertainment. our life .. his soap opera…

there was/is this song Maaeri. its actually Maa-e-ri. e-ri is when you call someone. Maa is mother. so literally translated its O-mother.

it goes something like (this is the translation)

o-mother, o-mother
i miss her, i miss her
she used to talk with me
with her eyes
she used to fight with me
she has forgotten my love
in flat 4 months
o-mother
i miss her
what do i do now
who do i say this to
o-mother

it always used to bring tears to my eyes, this song, still does, sometimes …

it starts with these lines:

teriyan, meriyan bhull gaya
bhull gaya haar te jeet
kee karna mein jeet nu
hovey na je meet

translation:

yours, mine, i have forgotten
i have forgotten failure and victory
what do i do with victory
if i don’t have my love

it rhymes very well in hindi .. :)

how i started about this song was, that i had made a kind of a parody of this song for my pet suzy (she’s not in this world anymore), when i was living in bangalore. i kind of a ‘i-miss-you’ song. i then completed it, meaning it from the bottom of my heart, when she died. i have lost the song, somewhere in the zillion machines i worked on during my i-am-bored-of-this-office phase.

my sweet, sweet neglected blog. am going through some quiet moments of late. though last night i was thinking of something i felt was worthy of being composed into a post, but i don’t remember it at all now.

sometime back i was thinking if enlightened beings have a high IQ .. or maybe it doesn’t matter

tomorrow morning
lets stay home and watch TV
lie on our backs
out in the garden
and watch the eagles
hover under the blue sky
lets go
to the top of a nice green hill
and slide down
over the soft tree tops
i’ll laugh, play
scream with my baby
you can just go chill
close your eyes
nap on the clouds
lets just sit
and not work
and create
create
a new world
where even the air
is still

i got an eisle for myself this past week, and some paint brushes. i used to paint and love doing it .. in some long gone past. i’ll try and pick it up again in weekends. m dying for a break. my bones are aching …

jotted this down while on a conference call with the “global” team .. we were discussing project proposals ..

my proposal
with its shoddy presentation
failed to show
the true content of my heart

it didn’t highlight well
those stars i had plucked
for you
or that huge
yummy chunk of the moon
i had sliced
from the side done well

it all got lost
somewhere
in the huge pile
of my stupid
redundant emotions

i just found it in an old folder. not only i don’t remeber when i wrote it, i wonder ‘if’ I wrote it. the beginning is very me though.

apni ankhon ka namak
chhidak ke
apney dil ke tukdey
khila doon
tu bol mujhey
bus bol
ye zindagi
main mita doon

ye khali zindagi
kya karoon mein iska
din-ba-din
ghisati hai
socha hai
key khud hee ik din
issey tera
taj-mahal bana doon

… for strong people think strongly, feel strongly, and its that strength that crushes, crumbles the strong bones that break and fall over, on themselves, within, damaging the vital organs, tearing, rupturing, cutting off crucial supplies, blowing apart the various vessels and veins. and then it just bursts, or sometimes just stops, the poor heart, unable to bear the pressure. the weight of thoughts, the “dumb”-bells of emotions.

the PMS seems to have gone way beyond the M period. this sadness, a weird gloomy stillness, sometimes a strange inexplicable fear, sometimes a redundant, baseless agitation and sometimes a bitter sense of harsh betrayal .. just keeps hanging around in the air, not outside, but within, (its rather cheery outside) for no reason at all, or maybe everything is a reason. or maybe its just trying to keep me company, this (non) sense, trying to accomplish whatever good it can.