last night, i couldnt’ sleep, as i had yet again had chai at 8 pm, which always, for sure, takes away my sleep, irrespective of how tired i am. and i lay there in my bed, thinking, in-between reading shalimar the clown (i am beginning to enjoy that book now). i thought of something that had happened in my life some 12 years back. and i thought that it was good. and i thought about how i screwed it up. ok, i give myself that, i wouldn’t exactly say that i “screwed” it up, but i made a decision. i made a decision to alter the scheme of things and chose a different path from what i was on at that point in time. on a whim? yes, i think so. but that’s how i do everything that i do. on a whim. for me that’s how the world works. on a whim. not much thought process or planning goes into anything, things just happen. and hence that happened too, that alteration in my life, and alteration that pushed me towards a little path, that somewhere down the line eventually led me to where i am right now. and when i thought of that, i felt good. because i realized that i am happy now, and i also realized that i don’t think i would’ve been happier anyhow else. :)

the thought started with me thinking that so many good things have been offered to me in life, by life, but i always screwed things up.

its a weird, weird day today. uncomfortably boring. actually the entire week has been like that. not so much boring, as it is uncomfortable. i feel hugry, but don’t know what i wanna eat, i take ages ordering, and when the food arrives i don’t want it. maybe i am getting over food afterall. its too over rated anyways.

there’s a dandiya program in office today in the evening. i don’t think i’ll go. i won’t go. i wouldn’t enjoy it without Cy and its definitely not worth the effort of first going home, getting Cy and coming back. i’d rather go for a swim if the water’s not too cold today. i hope i can leave by 6:30.

nothing much to post. life is, what it always is, .. good :). cy is looking thinner, though her weight is the same. i don’t know if its good or bad. she is just as active though. and the doctor told me not to worry as long she is active and happy. so i am not worried. she shows less interest in food .. i wonder if my wails of “ah! i am getting fat” are getting to her. cos i often see her raising her shirt, putting her tiny little pretty hands on her tiny little tummy and saying, ‘mama, i think … *then she thinks* .. i am getting fat’ .. with skewed eyes and nose .. the prettiest little nose ever.

we went for DOR last night. its a really nice movie. ayesha takia has looked absolutely adorable, and gul panang has looked fabulous. very well cast, very well (almost) directed. an earthy, simple story, very well told. shreyas (dunno 2nd name) has done a great job. really good. he is a good actor. gul panang has done a very good job. she seems to be a good actress too. ayesha takia has looked damn cute .. bus. :) this movie should go for oscars just because this one really is “different”.

i broke my fast at about 9 last night. though it was meant to be a 36-hr fast, i broke it about 10 hr before that. it was supposed to be night 1, day 1, and night 2, and have food in the morning of day 2. but i ate at the beginning of night 2. and it was so .. unceremonious. cy finished her food and left some bits of roti soaked in dal, and a bowl full of potatoes that she didn’t even touch. the moment she gave a tummy full signal, i smiled and just took the bowl and finished it. :( how .. weak of me.

i have kept a fast today. i have never fasted before. i have tried a couple of times, but at all the times i used to binge by 4 or something. its 4:39, and i am still going strong. and i feel good. :) i am looking forward to a fried-egg and cheese whole-wheat sandwitch with cool kheera slices on saturday morning. tomorrow, i’ll try and stick to only fruits and greens. i will try ..

the last past week was weird. i went through so many upheavels, downturns, emotional roller-coaster rides (i used to love roller coasters, but now they make me sick and leave me with a headache) that i should feel washed off, de-toxified right now. but i don’t. i feel .. tired .. physically. there are so many things that are so easily capable of clasping your heart, and wrenching it dry of all blood, life, in a very literal and physical sense, do just that. and you can’t really do much but cringe, cry, whine … so on and so forth. and then you just practice deep breathing so as not to let it affect your circulatory system. but somehow, somewhere in time, those hard controlled breaths turn into sobs again, first softer, then harder, and then so violent, that you don’t know anymore if you are really crying or just laughing hysterically.

asking yourself ‘why?’ always helps. and then aswering that its pointless almost always makes you (me) stop .. for a while. after that if you (I) still go on sobbing, its purely for pleasure .. no specific reason at all.

i killed a mosquito today in the morning, sitting on the pot. actually the thoughlessness of the act moved me. it was so instinctive .. a reflex ..

a mosquito
came around
serenading
singing me a song
with a thwat
without a thought
i killed it
and let it fall to the ground

5:15 pm

i was going through john abraham’s site, and saw this line, “at a party, a woman was pleasantly lewd enough to metion that I filled up my jeans quite nicely.” in the 2nd paragraph.

i have said that to a lot of guys (ok, just a couple). but its not lewd of a woman to say that. when a woman says it, its only out of genuine appreciation and/or affection. it should be taken as a kind compliment. its lewd and vulgar only if a guy says it. cos (most) guys have nothing but dirty sex in mind (most of the times). i say dirty sex as there is a good, divine form of sex also.

Oh My God!!! after being down for so many days .. it seems like an eternity, the site is up again, just like that. wow! yet again i thought that i will try typing out the URL and lo and behold, it came alive. wow! thank you god.

i had started feeling that i have lost all the data. :)

for a long time now, me and M have been planning to visit the neighbourhood (jewish) cemetary at night. sometime back, i remember, one night i had mentioned it to M and she had strongly suggested that we don’t even think about it and that we should let sleeping souls lie and stuff. and then we got talking about something else and duly forgot about it and went to sleep. i remember that i had a terrible time sleeping that night, i’d felt uncomfortable, suffocating, and kept tossing and turning throughout the night dreaming this weird dream where something horrible was happening to Cy. the next morning when i told this to M, she looked at me with a i-told-you-so look reminding me about my wish to visit the cemetary. it freaked me out big time. i went and hugged Cy and decided never to even think about it again.

its been a really long time now since that happened. in the morning, when we passed the cemetary, we looked at each other, me and M, and smiled. God! be with us … tonight.

4:30 pm
i wanna go to goa with Cy for the new years’. just go there, hit the beach, join the general new year revelries (i din spell that correct), spend some good time on the beach and then catch a bus/train back to pune. anyone game? :)

i had a thought yesterday. that if i am a good parent, i should not send Cy to school and instead save all that money for her and give it to her when she grows up. she can study at home. we can get the standard curriculums from the board(s) and get the books. and at the high school and senior school levels, get tickets and she can sit for and hopefully pass the tests and get the certificates. its pathethic, and ridiculous, the way these schools are charging now-a-days. i am paying rs 20,000+ for six months for lower kindergarten, 2-3 hours everyday. why? and imagine the cost when she reaches higher grades. and she hardly has any books right now. then, she’d have books, more clothes, equipments, all sorts of stuff. and just to get admission you need to pay around 40-50,000 initial admission fees and what not. its a huge waste.

veer?

and nobody is paying attention to this extreme exploitation by (many) schools.

don’t wonder
don’t think
it is not you
this love (lust)
of mine
its just a
thought
an
image
that somehow
somewhere
in time
got tagged
with your name

no its not
you
can’t be
cos this image
this dream
is
just that
a dream
divine
thought
it can never
could ever
be human
or take a form

its love
its pure
just thoughts
like the wind
it flows
can not
contain
be contained

i have had a good day till now today. for starters, miracle of miracles, i got up at 6 am. i actually woke up at 6 am. i did hit the bed again, as usual after shutting the alarm off. but .. miracle of miracles, i didn’t/couldn’t sleep. wow! i just smiled .. lying there .. on the bed that never lets me go. and today, it was as if it’d turned its back to me. my dear, dear bed. and i turned my back to it also. sat and waited on the bowl in vain .. the bowels didn’t empty. luxuriously changed into shorts and shirt, put the shoes on, tucked the key and money and fone in the pockets, was just about to tip-toe out, when i felt a soft, cool breeze. a little stir, a soft purr, my angel was moving, opening its little angel eyes, slowly, softly, trying to focus after a good night’s sleep, lids still heavy with the slumberous weight. and suddenly the little kitten noticed .. mom on the move. NOOOO!!!!! the morning light got pierced with a shriek. ah! just what i had been wishing secretly in my heart. to take my child in my arms, love her, kiss her soft morning cheeks. i asked her if she’d like to go for the walk with me. she nodded her head and promptly got up.

we had a beautiful walk in the beautiful park. this park was a huge reason for making me feel glad that i moved to pune when i recently had. and today we even saw pretty little fish in the nallah. it had an orange tail. after deciding to have fruit for breakfast, ending up ravishing fried eggs and fried toast, and watching Oliver’s Twist (all cooking-related programs being my fav), i reached office in good time.

its 11:40 am. and i am sleepy!! *yaaawwwwnnnnn*

i want this :

http://web.canon.jp/Imaging/eos20da/index.html

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its $2200

:((((((

it’ll be a great solace to my aching heart if someone would/could get me a labrador puppy .. for free.

my latest fav song, ‘Goodbye My Lover’ by James Blunt:

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

…dunno why i think of Sm everytime i listen to this song. and i listen to this song quite often.

last night, i saw the sexiest, coolest sight i have seen in ages. a jeans clad guy, wearing a vest, with a huge drum (dhol) tied to his waist, standing with a slight backward tilt, typical of dhol players, to his lean, lightly muscular, well-shaped body, banging on it in all his glory, with such passion. he looked like he was high on the sound. and we stood there, me, cy, and Z, swaying to the loud, loud drum beats .. so many of those drums going together along with many smaller ones, and the clang-clang of those smaller, brass cymbals-like instruments. after some time, when we turned to head home and i asked Z for the time, i was shocked out of my wits that it was 12:30. we had come out of the house for just a little walk .. at 9. we had been walking for all that time, along with the ganpati procession, mesmerized by the drums and the music and the dancing groups of guys. and cy, she wasn’t just walking, she was jumping around, trying to match pace with those guys who most of them were drunk, ready to drop. jumping like this crazy tiny person, constantly pushing the two hands of a worried mommy away, trying to get her out of the way of the wildly swaying arms and legs. it was awesome. and then i had an experience of a lifetime. somehow the thick wooden stick they were beating the drums with ended in my hands. what with cy being carried around from one set of hands into another, and me following, running around wildly, trying to keep my eyes fixed on her bum floating above the heads of the crowd, with my hands up in the air, ready to catch her if she falls, and i was sure she would. she looked ecstatic though. looked like a little rock-star who’s just jumped off the stage on top of people’s hands. and so i had that thick wooden stick in my hand. time stood still for a moment. that’s what i was just dreaming about moments ago. of holding a huge drum, sexily on my waist and banging on it, jumping with the power of passion with each bang. my joy knew no bounds. after the first powerful test bang i gAVE THE drum, i matched pace with other drummers and went DHAm-DHAM-DHAM like there’s no tomorrow. the guy who was carrying the drum was just grinning. :) .. ear to ear .. it was heaven …

6:07 pm
i am a stupid ass of a person. and i am .. superficial .. sometimes mean. dear God! please make me a better person.

my flag is at half mast today in memory of Steve Irwin, who died, i think yesterday, doing what he loved to do. piss sleepy creatures off.

i liked that guy.

5:35 pm
as a colleague aptly put it, its a gloomy day today. maybe the stingray is regretting it now and drowning the world in its sorrow.

after ages i am listening to the song, ‘nothing compares to you’. don’t know why i am in that mood though. i so despertely wanna go home and hug cy and just play with her .. be with her. PMS me thinks.

first, an original PJ from moi. the song to sing in a junkyard full of old, disposed-off diwans:

diwano se ye
mat poochho
diwano pe kya
guzaree hai ..

:-)

the last two days were really busy. there’s a string of cultural programs going on in our buildings complex on account of ganesh utsav. our complex has huge 5 builidngs that are full of kids and some really enthusiastic adults. it was real fun. there were a lot of things happening throughout the weekend. there was a cooking competition, rangoli making competition, fancy dress competition for kids, quiz, antakshri, and song and dance programs performed by kids. cyra took part in two: fancy dress competition and a dance sequence.

and i don’t have words to describe my little princess, my angel, my darling. i haven’t got as many compliments in the past 31 years of my life. for the fancy dress competition i had made her a balika badhu (little bengali bride), and for the dance sequence, she was priyanka chopra (an actress).

she looked the most beautiful 4 year old bride ever. a yellow-red saree, and a red-gota dupatta, covering her head that was decked in flowers. i had got some really beautiful fake jewellery. her beautiful, tiny arms looked so beautiful loaded with bangles, and then the bindi, the tikka. wow! i could’ve spent an eternity just looking at her. wow! i feel i know love so well now. but everytime i look at her, i discover a whole new side of love. i love her. cy, i love you.

i wish Cy would’ve a li’l brother. i am listening to that song right now, “phoolon ka taron ka sabka kehna hai …” and thinking about veer. long, long time back, wow, seems like another age, i had gone on-site for some project work. i was there for about 2.5 months, maybe more. that time, we were really, really thick, me and veer, and used to write really long mails to each other, at least i used to. once i was reading his mail and he’d written that just yesterday i was listening to that song “phoolon ka taron ka sabka kehna hai. ek hazaron mein meri behna hai”. i burst out laughing, and laughed and laughed and laughed. and then i saw the next line, it said, “Don’t laugh, i had tears in my eyes”. and i cried … and cried and cried and cried. veer, i love you.

8:00 pm
its Friday evening. i so wanted to go home on time and take cy out for dinner. it will get pretty late. i’d still try and take her out. my princess. on second thoughts, we will hit bed early and go for a movie or something tomorrow. i’ll check if they are still playing Cars .. i hope they are.

my horoscope says that soon i’ll get a ‘golden gift’. is dino morea planning to visit pune anytime soon or what. :)