i didn’t even try and remember my dream(s) today. i don’t care. i am happy today. its in the air. this happiness, this joy. has been for some days now. the cold, cold wind, is singing happy songs, along with the trees and the distant hills. its beautiful. its happy.

well, there is this tiny part(s) of the dream i had last night that stayed clearly. i dreamt:

1. i am in this car with i think a colleague, SS. in this completely dream-like world. long winding road, like its floating in space. hills/mountains all around. very twilight-zonish lighting, tints of red and orange and yellow in the distant sky. and in that floating in the space in slow-mo way i am talking to a client on the phone, sitting in the car, which i think SS is driving. i am trying to explain something to the client (i can’t remember the words now), but the client is not able to understand what i am saying. i realize that its the way i am talking. its a weird accent that i can’t seem to be able to control, and i am having to repeat everything into the phone. and then i turn to SS and ask if i am talking alright. and she says that i am talking fine.

(incidentally, just yesterday i had an incident where i went into the boss’s cabin and blurted out something so fast that he had this really confused and seemingly irritated look on his face. i then repeated myself, more slowly and clearly. but i felt shitty about doing what i did earlier, telling myself that i should’ve controlled myself before going in and just spilling everything).

2. in the second part, i am lying down on this bed with my back to this guy who’s lying next to me. we’re both naked and partially covered with cloth sheets, white i think, and i am pretty excited sexually. and i continously keep moving the lower part of my body towards that guy, feeling his hand down there, and moaning and groaning.

ok. again, i don’t remember much of the dream. but here goes. i dreamt:

the scene is set in cannought place in delhi. i particularly remember the white pillars. and there’s MG. MG is someone who works in my office and i just know her as in we say hi to each other every now and then while passing each other by. initially, when MG had just joined the firm, we had interacted a lot, but just for some days. that’s all. so, there she is, MG, and she is working in this bengali movie, and around us is a group of people from that movies cast. for a long while in the dream after that i am just lingering around there, making small talk. i think i am also a hit envious thinking about MG landing up with this cool role in a movie. after a while, during our talks, with MG and a couple of other male actors, i realize that its not a movie, but a TV serial that has been running for 10-15 years now. one of the actors tell me that. and the next thing i remember is that i am sitting in this theatre and people are laughing and boo-boo-ing at what’s playing. my back is towrads the screen, so i can’t see what’s playing, but i know that its that bengali serial. and then i see the two actors i was talking to earlier. in an effort to disguise themselves, they have thrown a judge’s white wig on their heads. its not helping at all. and the two guys are crying. one runs off, along with the audience that are laughing and leaving the theatre. and the one guy who’s sitting starts crying really hard.

the next dream i remember is that i am in NN; the place where i spent my teen years. in the house, our house, but different from what i grew up in. there’s a chair, and either to its leg, or somewhere near, a dog is tied. its a black, big dog. sweet looking. and someone is asking me to take it for a walk. i have this inherent knowledge that that dog has not been taken out for a long time and will be really excited and jumpy when i step out with it. as expected, it starts pulling very hard the moment we are out (i also remember a lot of other dogs barking around, i think at us). and while trying to keep a firm hold on the leashe, i scream, “Suzy”. and then i laugh, cos suzy is the name of the dog we had long back. (she was a family member)

i was rudely awoken by my alarm at 6 in the morning. and the sudden movement of getting out of the bed with a jerk and running for the fone to stop the loud noise (i keep it on the other side of the room so that i ‘get up’ in the morning instead of putting the alarm off and going back to sleep) made me forget what i was dreaming completely. i could’nt remember a thing. it really irritated me, as i had decided that i’d try and remember my dreams now and document them as much as i could. i asked myself if i’d like to go for a walk. i said no. i said, “sure?”, to which i answered, “yes”. so i went back to bed. i really wanted to try and remember, to back to my dream. that reminds me, there had come a phase in my life when all i wanted was to sleep. because i loved to stay in my dreams. i used to sleep most of the time, days, nights, afternoons, evenings. and i used to hate to wake up, and look forward to sleep time again. i was really happy then, in my dreams. they were very real, very life-like, very happy. obviously, i wasn’t working then, and didn’t do much else either. it was a good, short-phased, life. :)

anyways, i went back to bed, and tried to remember what i was dreaming about. i couldn’t. soon i was sleeping. and i had a different dream. that, i remember. i dreamt:

me, M, Z, and Cy are in this room. the guy whose house it is sitting/standing close by, and we’re all having some conversation. what i clearly remember is the doorway. apparently, we are near the sea, and the water is coming till the doors. waves coming and going, and each time a wave comes i feel its going to enter the house. i express my thought or concern loudly. interestingly, the water was not sea-blue-green. but muddy-yellow, like it is in the streets during the monsoons. anyways, the scene changes to early morning. its just me and Cy now, in that room, standing at the door now. i am excited about showing Cy the sea. but when i open the door, there is no sea, but just a swampish land, with some structures blocking the horizon, and beyond those structures, through a small opening among the structures, can i have a small glimpse of the sea. and dats what i am trying to explain to a excited Cy, that you can’t really see the sea.

the scene changes to one outdoors. now i don’t remember if we walked out of the house or what. but there we were, me, Z, M, and Cy. on the top of a hill kind of a thing. there are more hills around, yellowish-brown with some amount of bushy vegetation. and there’s this really neat looking small river flowing. and there are lots of other people. groups of boys mainly, venturing into the flowing waters. and dat was we were planning to do. dats all i remember.

my dreams mostly consist of a series of events. sometimes they last most of the night where i go from one place to another and things happen one after another. most of the times i am travelling, or on the move in someway or another. there is one place where i have been to about 3 times. its mountainous, grey clouds, and i am feeling very happy, fresh, cool. and each time i am trying to reach this “tourist” destination, or a “promised” place that is supposed to be just awesome. everytime, i am on the way. and the dreams have been about the things i do and people i meet on that way.

grey has been a dominant color in my dreams. dark grey louds to be exact. and water. and the dreams are very life-like. the roads, the trees, the road-side buildings, other traffic, everything, in good detail.

the dream i had last night was particularly weird. and i clearly remember just a part of it. i dreamt:

i am in love with milind soman and he’s sitting there along with some people as part of this group. i am not sure if i am part of that group as i am sitting on the periphery of the group. he’s throwing around a lot of attitude and making statements like its pathetic the way some people dress. and i am wearing this steel grey very babu-ish trousers with an equally metallic shine green men’s shirt, tucked-in. bright green, and bright steel grey. and i am looking at my clothes, sulking big time, hating my trousers, thinking why, why am i wearing this stupid clothes, that i should’ve thrown these trousers long back. milind soman himself is wearing a shabby, maroon-brown, dark pullover and a muffler. he was not looking good at all. and i do notice that he looks drastically different from his pictures in the magazines. he has this big nose which is completely spoiling his look, and his skin is not good .. rather rough and pimplish. but still i am sulking, about why i am wearing what i am wearing. and then, lo and behold, there piti. looking so good, in this really sexy skirt and figure hugging top, and … and those boots. and i am just looking …

an excerpt from recent email conversations i had with a colleague. his comments are in green:

About letting go, I feel there are many things we need to let go of.

Things I know I should do, yet these are some things I cannot bring myself to do.

Things that you ‘should’ can be different from the things that you ‘want’ to. At times, things that you truly ‘want’ to do might turn out to be good for you in the long run, as they might be the call of the real you that knows what’s really good. It’s important at those times that you don’t confuse things with what you ‘should’ do. :)

If there are things you are not able to bring yourself to do, then ‘let go’ of the wish to do them … for the moment at least. Maybe now’s not the time … in the bigger plan of things …. Besides, if there is something that you truly do want to do, you will be able to do it, regardless.

I know. The ‘should’ and the ‘want’.

It is the difference between the ideal and the real. [the ‘real’ is ‘ideal’.] I don’t think so. Not yet. I still see gaps. To have more patience. More tolerance.

The desired and the current. [both establish a balance when the ‘current’ is the ‘desired’, or a “right/reasonable desire� is made to be ‘current’.] Naah!

But it is only a realization of the gap. Not a direction to pursue to close that gap. [going by the balance noted above, there is no gap.] I am yet to identify a closing of the gap. They will cease when I want no more.

I have had little success with what I desperately wanted. [desperation is not a natural, ‘organic’ emotion. Its introduction to any act or desire destroys the balance. One stops to understand whether what one wants/desires truly is what one actually needs at that point in time.] This way I can rationalize everything out of my life, can’t I? Shoes. Bikes. Ambition. Love. Entertainment.

One such prayer was answered, but I paid a very huge price for that. And I lost a lot of esteem. [maybe one was not cautious about what one prayed for. Lets own up and be responsible for our acts and decisions.] Maybe the time was not right.

This is to do with my career. Nothing in terms of a personal loss.

That is why I do want a few things, but I fear that I may be hurt again. [fear. Never a good companion. Its best you don’t do it if you fear doing it. And if you are going to do, then smile and ‘let go’ of the fear.] I know. The problem is that I know the theory. No dearth of intellectual knowledge. The emotional knowledge [like self management and all] is lacking.

So I have actually stopped asking God [or whatever entity one prays to] for some of those things. [Never do that. :) .. 'asking' is one of the biggest form of showing love ..] I’m not sure, but I am undecided about so many things. So I won’t evaluate this now.

Make no mistake here – I do desperately want it. But once bitten twice shy. [If you want it, go get it. Don’t be shy. J forget about the last bite. Its memory will only cause imbalance. Wipe the slate clean. ] Some people can’t do it as easily… Something holding me back. My will lacks here.

· Is it for me to have? [Do you really want it?] Yes. Then I ask myself is it a ‘want’ or a ‘need’? And I can always tell myself that there will be other opportunities. So here again is another rationalization.

· If it is - maybe it will come to me anyway? [Not if you don’t try.] I know. But will you keep struggling against the elements? Even when something inside tell you it may be futile? Who are we to decide what is meant for us? Can humans ever answer this question? Ever? In this celestial role that we do not quite understand we live out our lives chasing the same dreams and desires that others have always done, or we learnt that this is what we should be chasing. Career is just one of these.

· When I pray, am I doubting the plan of God for me? [no, every child needs to cuddle up in the parent’s lap. Its good for the soul and general well-being.] This sounds good! :) And comforting. This feeling I get when I read stuff by the author Robert Fulghum [http://robertfulghum.com/index.php/fulghumweb/]. Some writers open you up and refresh you so much!

· Isn’t it showing low confidence in God when I ask for something specific? [As if I don’t trust God to do that unless I ask for it?] [not at all. Internal (rather extranal) communications are a good way to cleanse the system (rather soul) of festering thoughts and ideas.] This yearning has been going on for more than a decade now. I observed I gave reassurance and support to others so automatically, but for my own needs I ask the question so helplessly ‘Why?’ ‘How much longer?’ And the most frustrating part is that I know such questions do not have satisfactory answers.

· If I get it, what price will I pay for it? [this is just adding complexity. If you want it bad enough, then any price is worth it, right.] I am not quite sure if I am prepared for that. Some wounds take a lot of time to heal.

· And once I get it, will I regret asking for it? [then think before asking for it. Any do you really want it? Will it really solve a purpose? If you are confused, then maybe it’ll be a good idea to let things be the way they are for sometime?] Yes the need is of me deeper self.

And some such confusing thougts race across my mind and paralyse me. [rest your mind. Stop thinking for a while] Yes!

Can’t see too clearly now. [close your eyes] Hah! :) [Doing TP are we?]

But this is more of an existential quandary and not quite work/act oriented. :)

And letting go of some things takes superhuman will. I am getting there, but there is along way to go. [no comments.. :) .. there are, but for now I will keep with myself.] Theek. [Wonder why I am replying to each one of your comments? :)]

Particularly when it comes to [being] hurt. [“being hurt� is a mental perception. Matter of the ego. One can tackle with it if/when one tries.] Perhaps. Maybe yes.

[Please take this mail with a pinch of salt. I like to think and type such things. It helps in some way. Thanks for these conversations.] [Glad to be of help. :)]

Otherwise, if I don’t think much and just carry on, things are fine. [if that works and nothing wrong with it.] Yes, but that is not the way to live. To be blind and making no effort to be more than what you are. I used to believe that a lot some time back.

I need distracters of good quality. [Distracters? Maybe you are numbing your senses in the process. Not good. One must be ‘aware’ at all times, if not alert.] Not easy. Take today for instance. I was fine in the morning. Now all of a sudden I feel drained and want to just run away. And I will. Need to be very quiet and relax now.

Good music.

[Good food. :)]

Good Companionship.

Things that will take my mind off the much deeper issues that everyone would rather not look at. [It does not quite help much either, as I noted a few times.] [hmm… personal choices…] Either that or ignorance.

i feel suddenly really depressed today. some screw-up happened at work. although the fingers are pointing at me, but i am not entirely to be blamed. and i hate pointing fingers myself. so i am feeling helpless .. and angry. i know its stupid to feel angry, and i am trying to calm myself, my emotions. if only dino morea would acknowledge contact. and i am hugry. and i wonder if i feel hugry because i am depressed, or if i really am hugry. i feel like having a dosa. i love dosas. and i feel like crying out loud. veer! dunno why whenever i feel like crying i think of veer. :( …veer.

or maybe i’ll just go have a McDs burger. or maybe kentucky’s fried chicken. though i don’t like it much.

damn! i had a really nice topic in my mind in the morning that i was thinking of posting here today. and now i can’t remember anything. just that it was there. and it was a social issue i think. maybe related to the blasts … *sigh*

anyways. i think the people who get apprehended must be executed without trial. but then again the question, what if our police catches the wrong people. trust our police to do something like that. long time back veer had suggested that when terrorists hijack or kidnap anyone and demand a fellow terrorist’s release, the terrorist in jail must be executed immediately. do it a couple of times and such kidnappings and hijackings will not happen. what we lack in this world is good managers. good managers everywhere, and the world will be a better place. the government should be run like a corporation. right now, here in India, it’s been run like an NGO … it’s traddling along on its own. no one’s answerable to anyone, no one is sure of their tasks, no one really cares deep down, or even superficially (here, i don’t mean that NGOs don’t care, just that ours doesn’t).

i’m feeling weirdly sad today. wonder why…

i was reading an article just now. its rare .. me reading an article. i rarely do things that i don’t really “need” to do. and apart from official work, there’a hardly anything that i “need” to do. so i don’t. back to this article. the person talked about her relationship with God. that got me thinking. i have often heard people talk about God, and how they talk with Her/Him, and some go to temples, and some perform pujas .. and many people (on TV) say that they have a personal relationship with God. and then i thought about myself. and i thought hard. and i wondered if i have any relationship at all with God. and then i wondered if i cared. i don’t say that S/He doesn’t exist. just that, well, what have i got to do with it. if at all S/He needs me for something some time in the future, i am here, S/He should know .. the all knowing. i’ll be more than glad to help. you listening .. God. :)

i am feeling really uncomfortable today. i am cold, my feet are freezing and i am sleepy and am not able to enjoy my work at all. its been raining non-stop for 2 days now, heavily all night last night. the terrace is colder than the ACed environs of the office. and even inside the temperatures were so low i had to request that they increase the temp a bit. i wanna go and spend the next coupla hours sipping hot, hot coffee and some nice warm fresh cookies.

i’d love to go have a hot, hot cuppa chocolate. real hot chocolate .. not those pathetic all milk versions. *sigh*