if i ever settle anywhere outside of India, i’d like to settle down in England, or France. in France the only problem being that I don’t know French at all, and there they speak nothing but.

last evening, i had started writing about whys and hows of discussing socially relevant issues. then our next door aunty came over. she needs a new walkman. i gave her all information, but by the time she left, it was 7 and cyra came back from her playing/cycling shouting swimming. and then we went down to hit the pool. i love to be in the pool after 7. for one, all the neighbourhood kids who do nothing but jump over your head all the time splashing water in all directions are gone. apart from that, by that time it gets dark and the stars come out. i love to float in the water, on my back, looking up at the stars. my swimming’s getting better. i was never able to properly swim. what i couldn’t do was get my head out of the water and breath-in. my head never came out enough for me to be able to take in more air. so i could “swim” only for as long as i could hold my breath. but last evening, i noticed a slight improvement. i was able to get my mouth out and breath in, though that made me lose balance and i ended up standing on my feet (the pool depth is about 5 feet all over). and that is why i like to float on my back. i don’t need to come up for air. :) and i just go from one end of the pool to the other paddling with my arms, looking up at the branches of tress by the pool and the stars beyond. there are no words to explain the moon when its out and the power goes off. wow!

about discussing the socailly relevant issues. i’ll go home and get what i had started last evening from my laptop and continue with that. besides, my head is hurting like noone’s business. i’ll try and leave early in the evening.

excerpt from one of my all time favorite poems.

yeh kadamb ka ped agar ma hota yamuna teerey
to mein bhi iss par baith kanhaiya banta dheerey-dheerey
le deti yadi mujhey bansuri tum do paisey wali
aur kisi tarah neechey ho jati yeh kadamb kee daali

i forget who’s it by.

everyone says that the songs and the poems of older times are the best. its because, whatever said and done, the older times people were more in touch. with themselves, their individual souls, the nature most of all. they didn’t look for specifics that they “identified” with, something they could “relate to”. they were just .. born, lived life the way they saw being lived around them, didn’t ask too many question (is that the bane of the “modern” race), and were more … happy .. content. because in their hearts they felt satisfied, by making their parents happy, by making the “society” happy.

thinking from another perspective, i guess the tide has turned. one can’t say for good or for bad. today, “i” am/is more important than “them”, the society. is it a good thing? as individuals, are we happy today? happier than the people of older times, when they were all happy together, as one society, or community, everyone-knows-everyone environs. its nice in a way. the place where i am living now, i just love it there. all the wives and some uncles gather together in the building compound in the evening and just chat and laugh and gossip. although i have never been a part of that melee, but when at office, i feel a sense of .. security, for my baby, that there are people, eyes watching her. there are faces smiling at her, with care and concern, even if they gossip about their mom, when she goes down to play. its … safe. safety. is it worth ones’ … privacy? one just can’t say .. i can’t say. i’m sure that i would’ve felt differently if i didn’t have a child. i’m sure i wouldn’t have cared if the place i lived in had not a single living soul around. but now. now i just love it there. the people, the noise, the kids squealing, laughing, running around … and i so don’t mind people wanting to know why i am living in a 3-bedroom flat if i am single. and i so don’t mind not being able to get a guy back home. i am happy.

i, today, am happy. and not only because i had good sex last night.

the poem, it means:

this kadamb tree o mother if it was only by the yamuna river banks
then i too would climbe on it and become kanhaiya (lord krshna) gradually
if you’d buy me a flute two paisa worth
and only if the branch of this kadamb would lower a bit

ages. it seems like ages i last ‘wrote’. have been busier than a bee. good busy. doing things i enjoy doing. creating storyboards. yes. i love making storyboards. dats me, the fat, dull gal who absolutely loves sitting in front of the computer and create SBs for straight 12 hours.

i am working on the fat part though. not that i have started exercising or anything. well, ido intend to, but my body just refuses to listen to me. it doesn’t get up at 6, it yawns at the mere thought of going for a work-out, or even a walk. it pulls me down, down and down to the bed, pressing me into the soft cushions, holding my head forcibly as if trying to push it through the pillows. and i just lie there. helplessly. what can i do. i got a big, heavy body. i am helpless against it. my week, meek will.

but i have my tongue-tummy pair a bit under control now. like, i don’t binge on paranthas so much now. or go hysterical about steaks with mashed potatos. its been ages i haven’t dipped potato chips in mayo. *sigh* :)

i was watching a nice movie the other day on … Z studio? have forgotten the name too. a beautiful, huge mansion. all guests are appointed a room each on arrival at a weekend party, and a valet. an entire floor that is just kitchen and other household work related area. wow! i should’ve been born in the 18th century england, in a rich landlady’s home. :)

and i have decided never, ever to go to fropper.com again. what creepos .. all (almost) the guys i have met on fropper. give me the creeps. brrrrrrr………

when i am sitting here
quietly
thinking of nothing
at all
looking out
at the sun
and the green
the water in the pool
shimmers
inviting
i start to day dream
of you in my life
and i think
of what i’d do
or not
maybe just say
or not
i’d still be sitting here
thinking of nothing
at all
i’d still be
looking out
but then
that day
that time
i’ll know
you’re there
somewhere in there
walking the rooms
using the loo
opening the fridge
smelling my clothes
that will be the day
the day of culmination
of my dreams
more of desires

and i’d still
be doing
exactly
what i am doing
right now.

nothing,
nothing at all

let me tell you about life.

it doesn’t matter.

we can’t swim anymore. me and cyra. apparently the “builders” who’d build the building we are living in, have made this new rule of ID cards to be carried to gain entrance to the pool and the gym. well, since the building residents still haven’t formed any kind of a committe, the builders call the shots. the thing is that though flat owners need pay only rs 200 for the ID card, people who pay rent, like me, have to pay rs 5000. and i asked why? no one has any idea .. as usual. apparently there were outsiders who were coming and using the pool and the gym. but then why are people to pay for non-innovation on part of the security to not being able to keep the outsiders out? besides what’s with the 5000?

the building admin guy today told me that its the owner who will pay the 5000. but then why would he? these kinda things are clarified before one invests huge amounts in the property. you can’t come up with new rules about something after you have sold it. besides i chose to take that place up and pay what i am paying today just cos i was shown the pool and the gym as part of the package. i will get to the bottom of this.

i was pissed last night
you’re always there
by my side
all around me
like a
40-year old marriage
all around
all seeing

i wanted just
a moment to myself
my own life back
just me and my baby
the way it was before

its a different story today
i look sad, i am ..
my eyes are looking
far somewhere
beyond this reality
my chest is heavy
seems full
this gush of water
that’s just sitting there
waiting inside
for the eyes to allow
open the flood gates

yet again
i feel a tinge
sadly sighing
sighing sadly
wanting to hold you
sit by your side

hahahahaha!!! hohohohohohoho!!!! i am still in splits. at 1:30 am just now, i was sitting in front of the semi-dark doorway of the cafe naughty angel and laughing, giggling, all by myself. i had been made a fool, as a matter of fact a royal ass, on the 1st of april. wow! i am such a budhhu baby. aren’t i just too cute … :)))

this is how it started. there’s this guy who’s a regular at naughty angel’s. well, last evening, actually now last-to-last evening, friday evening, i was on my way home, after spending a nice, nostalgic evening with an old bombay aquaintance. i stopped over at naughty’s angel for the usual hi’s and hellos. and i sat there with VN and VT, generally chatting. as a side thought, i’ve noticed that VT always avoids me .. dunno why though. anyways VN is a fun company. good to talk to and general fun guy. i don’t know any of them though. just see them a lot at naughty’s. so we start chatting, and i ask VT (the one who avoids me) to give me a ride home, which is another 5-7 minutes walk away. he has this real nice red bike you see .. makes me drool. he says he can’t, and i walk back home. also, while talking he (VT) says that the diet i am following for losing my sickening kilos is not good, and that he can make me a nice dietplan. i get his number out of him (he again shows reluctance). anyway, i am pretty serious about losing my kilos.

so the next day, saturday, i call him .. i want my diet plan, i am ready to pay him. he doesn’t answer. i msg him saying that i’ve been trying to get in touch as i am very serious about the dietplan.

anyways. i am watching TV in the evening with cyra, when i get a msg from VN’s fone saying that he’s been missing me, signed VT. the sweet li’l baby that i am, i completely ignore the fact that its VN’s fone and start a string of msgs as i am really bored, am not sleepy at all and am dying to go out. after many msgs, i yet again express the wish to ride his bike. he says ok and i tell him that i’ll meet him at 12:45. by 12:50 cyra eventually falls asleep, i brush my teeth, rush out, forget even my deo (i hadn’t even washed my face all day), and rush to naughty angel realizing that i am late. i reach there and find VT standing there and chatting up the couple who owns naughty angel (i am pretty sure now that he was in it). i smile at him broadly and he looks at me questioningly. i say, “you promised me a bike ride”. he says, “no”. and he says that he’d come there just to pick his bike that he’d parked there, and goes off. and then radhika giggles .. heehee it’s 1st of april.

i just sit there, smiling a broad smile, thinking, protesting that no, its 2nd now. :)