if i was a mopy crybaby, then i’d definitely keep cribbing about why i have grown up. and the one thing i’d miss the most, and pine for, are my school days. when i was in school, i was in love with my home .. with my mommy in it. i used to be out most of the time. but i really used to like to know that mommy is home. i think i was the happiest then. i think i’ll never be that happy again. i think i have lost that .. that component in the system that makes one that happy .. that carefree. ah! the joy of going out, looking for “friends” hanging around the streets, doing nothing at all, spending all the time like that: “hanging out, down the street, the same old thing, we did last week, not a thing to do, but talk to you. we’re all alright!!” :) and then coming back home for dinner, good hot and ready food, waiting, just to be had, by my eager and unwashed hands and mouth. fighting over tv channels, not really caring what we are fighting about. asking mommy to break the whole onion with her fist (my mommy’s strong :)). going out in the night to play (when we were in junior school), and just hang out, in our “gangs”, shouting, laughing, just … (when we were in senior school).

by senior school, i had started getting disillusioned a bit by my “friends”. for one, i got to know that they all called my mom, hitler, and some called her alarm. well, she was very particular, rather strict about me reaching home a specific time. but i really didn’t like it at all when i heard them call my mom that. maybe i didn’t have any sense of humor then. not that i have one now. but now at least i don’t really care. gradually, i started noticing more stuff. pretty insensitive stuff. jokes and such, and mean talk, general bitchiness. i am not in touch with any of my childhood “friends” anymore. i’d lost touch long back. i’d grown up long back.

and then there was this friend i had, a very good friend. we grew up together, kind of. studied together for a while, and then were there for each other till long. and then i met her brother. well, we were all together when we were kids, but then we all went to different schools in different cities later, and hence lost touch. we were both grown up when we met again. and as most grown up people do who get attracted to each other, at first sight, we made out. this upset my friend a lot. we grew apart. i still don’t understand why a brother’s sex life would/should in any way affect the sister. she argued that she can’t trust me. she even said that i might sleep with her father tomorrow. well, i would, if he would (not that i really would. hypothetically speaking. not that i have anything against her dad. i don’t. just never thought about it. well, now that i think about it, i wouldn’t. he’s so not my type). and even then, the only person who has any reason to make noise would be her mother, on both moral and legal grounds. but she just didn’t get me. and we don’t “talk” anymore. well, not because of me and her brother. we talked about it a lot, and it had settled down. but things were never the same again. we just gradually grew apart. dats sad. we were really good friends, at some point in time.

more later. i’m sleepy again. i wish this friday would end soon.

5:45 pm

i got “kicked out” of a group discussion session at work. we were supposed to have read this huge book. i didn’t! not reading it was never my intention. here’s the mail i wrote to the one who “kicked” me out:

I was really looking forward to attending the session. More so, because I have not read the book.

I have always believed that the idea of organizational training is … training. Each and everyone. Using an open, positive, enriching approach. Spreading useful information to the fullest. Reaching each and every mind.

It’s like, if you haven’t had the time to read the book, please come attend any sessions possible. There’ll be at least that much going into your minds.

Its not that I didn’t read the book because I don’t care, or I feel I don’t need to, or won’t because I have been ‘told to’. On the contrary, I was glad to have a copy. I believe in books. And I do so want to excel in the academic, theoretical side of what I do … of what I love to do.

I was also looking forward to the session because I was pretty sure that after attending the discussion, reading it would be much easier and faster, and hence also my understanding of it.

The idea, eventually, is to spread the knowledge. I hope.

I just feel so at loss. Missing all that information that might’ve been exchanged in the session.

How would my being a mute spectator of the discussion would have been “unfair� to everyone else who did read it? It’s not an exam. We are just enriching our minds to reach a common goal: our improvement, and the organization’s.

I would like to attend group-discussion(s) on chapter 4, with another vertical. Can I?

though still tired and de-energized, i have been feeling a strange kind of … happiness, since morning. its like, i know i am going to die … and i am glad. not glad that i am going to die, but just ok. i am ok with it. like, if i am happy, then that happiness is not goig to go cos i am going to die. i think my brain has gone too much into the rest mode. i wish i was still home, enjoying the peace, the contentment. … ummm, also a bit, just a wee bit scared now that i think about it, and feel strange gurgling sounds in my stomach. i’m not really serious o universe .. are you listening!!!

i didn’t feel like leaving home in the morning. it was so nice and peaceful, the breeze felt so soft, yet so solid. like its saying something. its brush against my arms seemed to have a purpose. standing there, by the balcony door, it felt like a moment, i could live a million moments in.

composed this as a comment on Blue’s blog:

sweets.

what’s not used anymore
is j-u-n-k
there’s nothing ‘bad’
nothing ‘mean’
or ‘heartless’
to realize
that the softness
that was
but not is
will not suffice
the bond
its a-gone
and so has
its soft touch
it makes you smile
that’s great
keep that
but it also
makes you cry
much

let it go.
those tears
are precious
keep them in
the sweetness
the acrid
its long gone
wake up
smell the honey
:)

hey sweets,
welcome!
where have you bin?

i saw this guy’s back in the morning. he overtook me on the road. his back, rather the back of his t-shirt read Arizona. i tried to visualize a t-shirt that read Uttar Pradesh, but couldn’t.

i have been feeling really dead .. dreary of late. these past few days have been very de-energizing, very tiring, physically and mentally tiring. i feel empty spiritually. very disconnected with everything. haven’t even been going for my morning walks. just feel so heavy in the body all the times. i did plan to “write” some by EOD today, but now that its 7:30, i just wanna rush back home. adios!

dino morea is much missed.

Rebel
Rise
Shout it out
“I don’t need it”
Make your own
Institution
Write your own
Codes

design a strategy
o lord
o universe
get together
conspire
perspire
expire
this phase
of empty smiles
just thoughts
imaginations
creations
that stay there
just in my mind

if i could
i would
maybe i should
in wood
tho soft
carve you
your curves
run the sharp knife
through the soft
just as i would
my hand
on you
your curves
smoother than butter
that smell
fresher
than roses
your lips
more pink
than my ..

*sigh*
if only
i could
i would

i think i realize why i have not been able to ‘write’ of late. mostly because of work. there’s been so much to do of late, that whatever little time i do get to myself, it whizzes by just pondering, worrying, fussing about all that i need to do by the day end. the weekend wasn’t any better. it was rather .. painful .. well not all .. just saturday. but it did kill most of the weekend. my periods started friday evening, but i stuck to my commitment of going clubbing with M. we’d got some free passes from office (yes, dats one nice thing about office, the social commettie [spelling ... ah! hyde? u there? :)]), do whatever little they can. and so, friday night, cyra insisted for a sleep over at a friend’s (he lives right next door, and his mom requested so i gave in easily). with the little squeezy monster out of the way, i took my time, freshening up and getting ready. M was there, and she helped me choose a nice white top .. actually there were hardly any options, as most of them are body-hugging and don’t fit me anymore since i gained about 12-15 kilos over the past 6-8 months. and so after making a short stop at M’s, so that she could change, we reached fire ‘n’ ice, and promptly got stopped by this kid, smiling ear to ear. “uhh .. umm … hello … could you please help me get in, i have a pass”, and he flashed the prize right at eye-level .. the grin still in place. we smiled equally bright, and said, “we have two”. poor, sweet kid. they dont allow single guys to get in, so he was looking at groups that might have a single gal tagging along, or a gal group who would decide to do some charity work that friday night and take him in along. but we had our own crowd. some kids from office were to join us, and we weren’t sure how many, so we couldn’t risk getting in. once they stamp you at the door, you can’t get more guys in. we saw a group of three approaching, 2 gals and a puny guy. M sweetly moved forward and asked them if they could please take that guy along. the way she pointed at him, it seemed like he was our little brother and we just wanted to get him place on a lifeboat, towards life, towards hope. they agreed, and he fondly bid adieu. within a minute, our ‘people’ arrived. on bikes and scooters.

we went in and realized that the guest DJs were the ones we all hated unanimously. dj cawas and somebody. i tell you they are the most pathetic pair of DJs i have ever had the misfortune of listening to .. even in college times. and the last time i had wasted a night on them, i had decided never again. but there we were, inside, all pepped up .. and there they were .. their long faces, so not enjoying the obviously bad music themselves. they completely rape a song and leave it to bleed to death slowly, all in the name of mixing. we danced, we jumped. i was out clubbing after a long time, so i decided and made sure that i make the most of it. we had tequila shots and then got some beer. i even got 2 fone numbers. one cute, and one not so, but seemed a pretty deal for a rainy day. the cute one didn’t have his own place, he was visiting from mumbai. the other one’s number i just stached away .. for later perhaps. but the cute one was really cute, *sigh*. it obviously was never meant to be. and of all the times my periods just had to, had to start 5 days earlier. they never start this early. God! i’m taking this cruel shit o-n-l-y because i know you have plans for me … and dino morea. *blush**blush* :)

the best part of the night was our walk back home. me and M. the beautiful, quiet, peaceful night. it was a pretty long walk, and we did get offered a ride, but we decided to just walk .. into the night. tom & jerry. laurel & hardy. popeye and olive. it was beautiful. i love long walks, esp late nights. but, i paid a price. i was bleeding to death. but i didn’t let my comrade know how near to death i was. i never let her notice the blood trickling away quietly, in one silent continous stream, slowly taking my life energy out with it. but i just kept on going, with a smile on my face, one step after another, assuring her that we will make it. letting her know that there is joy in life.

it was good.

i spent the entire saturday in bed. crying, moaning, tossing and turning in the bed. my tummy was hurting (damn this unfair, unjust, unreasonable female anatomy), and my legs were hurting (-do-). in the night, me, cyra, and M went for a little walk till this nearby cafe. its a sweet, little cafe near our place. very nice, friendly owners, and nice cakes. i had a gignger honey tea, which felt good on my strained tummy, M had a sausage omellette, amidst my protests about bird flu and like. cyra was her usual self, running around, sometimes smiling, sometimes screaming at all and sundry.

sunday night was awesome. after putting cyra to bed, i and M spent some beautiful time under a starlit sky, surrounded with soft candle-light, on smooth, heavy, black marbled stone-seats, savouring rose wine (M had some red), dipping fruits in chocolate fondue, ending it with a light infusion of orange-honyed ham slices. it was a perfect night. :) thnx M!

.. saturday night i dreamt about dino. it was so clear and so real. we were in this house, with two other friends …

last night
i saw you in a dream
it was so clear
and so real
not at all dreamlike
you seemed interested
maybe not
but you were
at least around
smiling
shying
looking

and then
i wake up
and look at myself
in the mirror
in my eyes
and feel shame
shame
of all stupidities
of all humiliations
i have ever felt in life

and all i am left with
is a lowered lash
a sad sigh
an embarassed blush
of a child
being laughed at
standing
in the middle of the class
the secret’s out
my imaginary friend
is not really a friend
he’s a figment
not of my heart
but of my imagination
a dream
i live with
talk to
smile at
in my dreams

he went
he came back
he went again
he din come
and then
he did
and
without waiting
to interpret
the question in your eyes
he left again

you got disgusted
you were pained
you were hurt
felt alone and angry
you made decisions
you broke them
you thought new thoughts
you tried to look out
you even told
yourself
enough!
but the train
couldn’t
come off the tracks

for its still there
everytime
i pass that way
standing
waiting
still
it looks clean
like its ready
to launch
into another journey
but
when i come the next morning
its still there

uska driver bhi
chala gaya hai
ayega
nahi ayega
wo khadi hai
khadi rahegi

i have been feeling surreal, a feeling that has been siginificantly accentuated by the book The Zahir, by Paoulo Coelho (i spell him wrong again). i have been feeling pretty … light anyways of late. well, not last night though. last night i felt very heavy, in my head, and more so in my heart. i dug in my reserve of last grains of some money and bought this really, really pretty little fur chair for cyra. red! flaming red! what caused soem amount of cardiac discomfort was when we got it home, and cyra sat in it, and it ripped. RIPPPP!!! sharply, in a matter of a second. my mouth turned an overturned moon. cyra couldn’t care less. she was too happily engrossed in the new “police” set she’d just made mommy buy for her. a black gun that she insists on calling ‘bom’, a pair of plastic handcuffs, complete with little plastic keys, a holster and a silvery plastic badge. :) she was shooting everyone in the mall. :) my sweetiepie. anyways, i wanted to take the chair back right away, but when i called they told me that they would be closing soon, and that it’ll be better if i get it the next morning. that’s what i’ll be doing now. i have got it along to office. i’ll take it there lunch time. :(

about me feeling surreal. well i lost train of thought. i’ll get back to it in some time.

its a quiet day today. i started it with continuing reading The Zahir, by Pauolo Coelho (don’t think i have spelt the poor nice author correctly). its a nice book. i hadn’t touched it for a long, long time thinking that its not a nice book, and i told so to whoever listened. but then one day, i decided to read it, just because i had bought it, and there was no way i was going to just give it to anyone. and so i started reading it, and went past the first chapter that had made the initial, and now obviousy wrong impression on my mind, that it was a boring composition.

its a quiet day. not that everything and everybody is quiet. just that i feel like spending it quietly. not at office. maybe not even in the home. maybe on a peaceful, quiet terrace in the middle of a wide open green field somewhere. with a lone tree dotting the horizon here and there. and i’d sit under a wide umbrella, slouched on a thickly cushioned arm-chair, or a lounge chair. with a small stool by the side, for me to keep the book on every now and then when i just want to close my eyes a bit, move the umbrella and feel the soft sun on my face, or maybe sip a cool, refreshing, light sweet drink, looking at the vast expanse of green growth, or maybe at a water-pump gushing some distance away in the fields.

i wanna have a light salad, with loads of lettuce and hummus, maybe a side dish of spinach and corn. i am hungry. and i am also dehydrated. where’s my drink? and who packed the umbrella??? wow!! umber in hindi means the sky.

i saw the movie Just Like Heaven yesterday, with M and Ktj. it was good.

i want puppies. 2. labs. one black, one white. for free.

y can’t i see the pics here? :(

where do i begin
there’s so much to say
so much
yet nothing
all those words
yet no
expression
my feelings fail me
so does my understanding
the pressure
the weight
the intensity
of the love (read lust)
that i feel
have been feeling
have been carrying
for all these years
these days
these centuries
has brought upon
a numbness.
i am numb now
with the pressure
of your longing
this extreme
obsessive hence stupid
desire
of belonging
..to your cherub face
your pout
your upper lip
and the lower
and those eyes
the tiny marbles
always twinkling
always smiling
do i belong
to them
or do all these
belong to me
hey!
that’s my property
you’re strutting around
spoiling my spoil
squandering my loot

i am sad today
so don’t feel what i feel
those things that i feel everyday
today i don’t feel
that i need you here
by me, by my side, holding me close
rather i feel
that i could just see
you smile, you eyes, and that dimple
sunshine, shine on me, sooth my ache
come make my life all that more simple

when i need to do
is just look at you
and everything that’s blue
turns into a glow
the glow of your love
warming my heart
telling me its ok
and that i will not lose anchor
i will not be lost
in this life’s vast ocean
you’ll be my ground
the resting place i need
and then when i die
i’ll just bury myself in you

its exasperating
distressing
and somewhat
depressing
this conflict
of how
when
where
to do,
or not to do
to tell you
or let you
find out
find me
do i
go ahead
just do it
or trust
your ability
you sense ..
sensitivity
to look
and know
to not look
and still know
me, mine
my love (read lust)
my longing
which might be
yours too

my destiny
do i
trust?

if i were a little puppy
i’d wag my tail
do some bow-wow
run up to you
and jump in your lap
and you’d smile back
cuddle me up
take me home
and keep me forever

it has been
one of my longest enduring obsessions
i am so not
obsessive
that’s what i keep telling
myself
and everyone else
well,
i am not
i am just
sure
hmmm … rather
determined
persistent
i just
follow my heart
that’s something else
i keep telling myself
that i just
listen to my heart
have faith
in my destiny
and that is exactly
what took me
all the dumb
pathways
that i have followed
and the ditches
that i ended up in
all bruised
battered
and torn

but here i am
this is me
there’s no where else on Earth
i’d rather be [~bryan adams]

i just came in
from outside
it is a beautiful
winter afternoon
sunny, cheerful
happy and light.
i was having lunch
and imaginary conversations
with you
sitting right there
not in front
not beside me
but there
kinda everywhere
… made so real
by the strong suggestions you made
and i fought back
just as vehemently
explaining
exclaiming
smiling
to you, at you
at your words
at your smile
and people wonder
what might’ve made me
this happy :)

hello!
is it me
u’re looking for
these plagiarized lines
so beautiful
and befitting
for the road-romeo pass
i wish to make on you

and then i think of how
if i ever find you here
just walking on the road
from one sundry moment
to another
i’ll just go stand
in your way,
stopping you. maybe scaring you
and then you’d look at me
wondering
what the ****
i’ll just smile
and take you home
my child
that’s where you belong