love.
i have always known
that i know it.

when lithe,
nimble limbed
riding a fast black horse
i knew, its useless
i din need it
why shud anyone else

and then
i grew, within
caught myself smiling
at nothing at all
then again i knew
its a rope
made of silk
smells of roses
i knew
i want it
around my neck
to pull me
into the dark, cool recesses
of unknown joy and desires

i grew some more
my heart found new expressions
new worlds of thought
feelings that liberated
love sat beside me then
talking to me
like a best friend would

and just today
in the afternoon
i saw myself
aggressively asserting
i know what love is
what you need
to make a success of it
and then i looked
within, a dry well
and found myself
sighing
a cold, cold sigh
wanting, wishing
if only i had you
to apply this new science
the formulas of which
i know so well

that evening
i saw the Sun
and i saw the moon
both together
in the same sky
one setting
and one rising
one austere and beautiful
shiny
like just washed and scrubbed
the other
enveloped a thousand heavens
far from austere
it rode proud
on its 7 horsed ride
and it showed
that pride, that glory
even when it sank
it was not just a spark
the horizon was aglow

dats how i feel
about you
and
the love, the desire
at times
it just stands there
and shines
bright
just to make you smile
and then there are times
i glow
like there’s light within
a zillion watts
the light that is love
this love that is yours
i can’t keep it in
and i beam
lighting up this world
that never knows
that it’s me
again this evening
so full with your love

this fire that i have
that i never lit
i never knew
and suddenly your eyes fanned it
all i could do was get pulled
towards what i feel is the source
the source of this misery, which it’s so not
its sweet, it makes me glad
it makes me long for
it doesn’t leave me sad
i like to think of it as destiny
i like to live in fairy tales
i like to dream and then live in those dreams

this is nothing,
but just an expression
an expression of love (read lust)
i go on
i will go on
i do have a life
though so incomplete and unfulfilled
today its you, and tomorrow
tomorrow there’ll be another dream
but this dream, that is you
is the sweetest i have
ever had.
my sweet dream

आओ महनत को अपना ईमान बना�ं
अपने हाथों को अपना भगवान बना�ं
राम की इस धरती को गौतम की भूमी को
सपनों से भी प�यारा हिन�द�स�तान बना�ं

i have taken these lines from veer’s blog. yes! 26th january used to be an “occasion” when we were kids. we actually used to get up early in the morning just to watch the Republic Day parade, from the beginning till the end. come to think of it, i have started to believe that compared to other moms of the time, my mom is pretty cool. she’s always had her own ways of doing things, although she ****ed up my head, and completely ruined my psyche, believing in her own ways, but there aren’t many women who have made their own world, on their own terms (dad not being around helped) the way my mom did. i’ll always like her for that.

like she’s the first woman i have known who’s been having only “brown” bread, much before the “health food” rage caught on in the late 80s-90s. she always used to have zero-carb small meals of just salads and veges (both baked and steamed), although rotis always followed eventually. her favorite, when we were little was, baked egg-plant flesh with just a pinch of salt. like when she used to bake egg-plants for bhartha, she used to scoop out some for herself. she used to give some to me too. she introduced me to hummus and tahina. she told me that there were small bricks of camey soaps available in the market when they were young gals. all this from a woman who grew up in a remote village that didn’t even have elecricity. and another woman i got to know later on in life, actually had the cheek to call my mom, uneducated, uncultured, just cos she never went to college. that just goes to show the “culture” status on that woman. and to top it all, i have seen “that woman” littering on roads. the i-have-this-degree-and-that-degree woman actually litters on public roads and then there’s my mom who always, as a rule, carried all garbage in a small bag, or even her hand, and dispose of it on reaching home, in the garbage bin. education so not comes from schools and colleges.

last year, i so looked forward to mom coming over for a few days to stay with me and cyra in mumbai. her trip extended till a month because of certain circumstances and then the floods. by the end of it, i wanted to tear the hair off my head, with my own hands.

i am losing my mind. completely. i am being eaten, slowly being annihilated by the worm of suspicion. a worm with a million sharp teeth. its hurting my innards, making me wanna cry … cry so hard. i wish we had a daddy.

i am losing my faith in our maid, Sul. or maybe i am just too damn paranoid. there has been something different about her since the time she came back from her vaccation in calcutta, bengal. something i can’t really put my finger at, but i just feel it. she is more … edgy … away … somehow, at some level pissed-off it seems. her younger son tried to commit suicide … had an overdose of something. actually, they live in a small village a bit away from calcutta. although all her three sons are educated and stuff, and are hard-working, but they are not getting any decent employment. one of them teaches the village children, most of those kids study for free. some of the parents pay anywhere between rs 30 - 50, whenever they can manage. one of them does zari (gold-silver threads) work on sarees. he also hardly gets much work. one of them is studying. the one who teaches, and i think he’s the one who tried to end his life, badly wants to study further, which he very well knows his widowed mom can’t afford. now that i am typing it all out, maybe i can do something about it. i did think about asking her to get him over to pune. but i don’t know how wise it would be. i discussed it with my elder sister, and she is damn against it. and she is right. he is a young guy, from a remote village, not at all exposed to anything but the simple, uncomplicated things of life and the sad, dry world he’s grown up in. we are single women living on our own in a seemingly complex world, a world of new ideas, new feelings. the sudden change might weirdly affect his psyche. and i have a small daughter at home. it will so not be safe.

all that apart, what is psyching me out is this. of late i have noticed that Sul has been spending a lot of time standing/sitting in the balcony. almost everytime i see her, she is standing there. one part of my head knows that its ok, she is just watching the construction work going on on the adjacent plot of land, the way she used to in mumbai. another part of my brain, a much bigger part is trying to read something into it. it sees some hint of writing there. what accelerated my suspicions big time was when last week, absent-mindedly i opened the door of the room where she sleeps in. i saw her half-sitting, half-lying down, not on her floor-bedding, but off it, kind of in the middle of the room, as if she just jumped off the window on hearing my foot-steps. she just giggled nervously and said that she was just adjusting her bedding. and last night again, when i entered her room, she was sprawled off her bed. i don’t know what to make of it. though today in the morning, i did tell her, with a nice smile and all, that it might not be a good idea to be standing in the balcony for so long. there are a lot of those no-good contruction workers and security guards and all roaming about just waiting to get a hint. she again looked hurt, rather pissed-off, and said that she hardly comes out. and then she said that she likes to sit in the sun. that made me feel bad. i love to sit in the sun too. :(

today on my way out of the building, i thought of telling the security guards to keep an eye out for cyra. that they will not let her out with anyone else but me. i should have said that to them. i am feeling miserable, and am geeting anxiety attacks about not having said it before i took an auto for office. i think i’ll go home during lunch and tell them.

i wish i could get dino morea to come stay at home. not that he does anything worthwhile anyways. life will be so much easier that way. :(

… and i’m feeling weird in my heart. physical weird. like, its taking big gulps, of the thick liquid. everyone’s so far. hell they’re not even in this country. my parents are in another country. my elder sister’s in another country. veer? he’s in delhi. but i don’t think he cares anymore … not that he doesn’t “care”, but he just doesn’t … well … care. he’s got a busy life … happily busy. i am just, a memory from the past. a good memory, from a not so good past, but still, just a memory. not that i have been too nice to him in this life anyways. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to rid myself of the guilt. there … it took another big gulp. ah!!!

i have a colleague who keeps telling me to have faith in God. how can i have faith in God, or anyone else for that matter, for something that i am responsible for?

it was cyra’s sports day yesteray, sunday. that was the last time i remember being alive.

*sigh*

i took part in a stupid, stupid parents’ race (oh! how i regret having said yes to it. i’d thought we’d be made to mock-run with our little angels. how’d i have known that they’ll make us compete with each other). they made me run too fast, for too long. my entire body, especially my thighs, has been hurting … internally ever since. a hurt that has spread like a breathing, heaving, biting, nibbling plague all over my bottom, my lower abdomen, and is softly moaning in my upper body. i feel like i drowned in an olympic size pool of vodka, and never woke up, and am now living in a delirious, half-dream, half-hell kind of a virtousity. all this would not have been so bad if i wasn’t going thru the dumb, useless, completely redundant ‘that time of the month’. i look forward to menopause.

cyra won a gold medal. :) her first one ever. it was the cutest, cutest moment. she, and her partner (such a cute little blond boy, i think he’s french) leo, were to run hand-in-hand, pick a pail of water mid-way and take it to the end of the line, racing with other jack-and-jill pairs. i tell you it was the cutest thing i have seen in my life. that little guy held cyra’s hand so firmly all through the race, but taking care not to pull her too hard. it was amazing how the little 3-4 year old kept his body tilted towards her and kept looking back (she was a bit behind, as he’s bigger and taller than her, running so fast, matching his steps, my cute, cute, little darling). it was all just too cute. i wish i had a digicam. they way they both just shot-off on ‘go’, way ahead of everyone else, together, tightly holding each other’s hand. it was just tooooooo cute. ah! if i can only close my eyes and upload it here. *sigh* :)

i’ve never won a race in my life. i remember once, i think in KG, standing in the middle of the tracks, with the spoon in my hand, eating the small gulab jamun that i was supposed to carry on the spoon held in my mouth, across to the end line.

everyone
is looking
for
someone
who knows
just what to say
who knows
just what to do

hello!

… i wonder where you are

if the song ‘wicked games’ was a guy … he’d always, always reach the g-point.

the journey bit of the mumbai weekend was doomed from the word go. the weekend passed pretty nicely. i went and saw the doctor on saturday. i went all the way to matunga, from thane in a local train, and i got a seat both ways. i was so comfortable that i even started thinking about returning to dadar the same day in the local with cyra and sul, and leave for pune (volvo buses leave from dadar for pune). i reached piti’s, we sat around, chatted, and finished the perfect day with a perfect dinner of the yummiest eggplant bhartha and peas and paranthas. i didn’t stop myself. it’d been after ages that the bhurtha had turned out so damn yummy … not that sul makes it bad the other days, but it was exceptional on saturday. and whats bhartha without big, soft paranthas accompanying it. mine was a very satisfied, content 40″ tummy when it hit bed at about 2 in the night.

come sunday, we waited till about 2 to start the journey homewards. 2-3 is a good time for locals as there isn’t much crowd at that time. we reached thane station in an auto, and reached the tickets place. 4, really long, serpentine queues were clogging even the general enterance way. but i didn’t think much of it, its a common site for thane station. what felt weird was that all the indicators for different trains were off. these normally show the train timings and the platform numbers where the trains stop. but i got 2 tckts and started towards the over-head bridge to reach our platform. on the bridge, a guy was telling everyone that there was some work going on the tracks and only 6 number track was functional. we turned towards the steps for platform 6. i realized that there were 10 or so minutes left for the train to come, accoding to the indicator on the platform. the crowd was way over normal, since the other trains were cancelled. we stood there for about 5 minutes, and in not time the crowd had increased to double. even the thought of entering the train with that kinda crowd was scary. it would have been fatal, esp carrying a 3.5 yr old. people jump on and off these trains like there’s no tomorrow … as if the side they are on is raging with fire and they’ll die if they don’t jump off that very second. and that’s what they do; they jump with such vengence, such force, and without care that they could easily trample someone to death. and there are so many of them. its as if 25 sardines have been jammed into a 10 pack.

i panicked big time, picked cyra up, motioned sul to follow me and started climbing the stairs to the over-bridge to get out of there. even going up the stairs was a fight. we took an auto till thane-mumbai border (mulund check-naka), and from their took an auto for sion. autos riks cannot go beyond sion, so from sion we were to take a cab till dadar. but i was glad, to have come out of that … that … death-like platform where i felt that we are going to die. it was really scary. i started chatting up the auto guy, and he told me that he knew the place in chembur where buses to pune halt and take passengers. that was good news. getting a bus in chembur meant that i’ll be saving all that money and time reaching dadar. the nice auto guy dropped us right in front of the tourist/travel offices right by the side of the road, and within 5 minutes the friendly huge volvo bus for pune arrived. ah! we were so happy. we hit pune by 5:15 *sigh* only to turn right instead of going straight for pune station, our destination. apparently, we had boarded the wrong bus. this one, goes all over pune downloading passengers and then at the end reaches pune station. it took an extra 1.5 hrs for us to eventually get off that bus. my back and legs were screaming by then with cyra sitting in my lap for the entire journey. and then the auto we were sitting in, broke down just a few blocks from home. but we were so dying to get some blood back in our legs that we decided to walk rest of the way home.

home! AH! home … home sweet home. i love my home. :)

for the 1st time in the last four months, i and cyra, and sul were standing on the road leading to the mumbai highway, and no bus. normally, i just reach there, and i get a seat. but i guess, this time, there were two of us “adults”, and they couldn’t accomodate us in the big, comfy looking volvo bus. we stood there and watched the huge green bus leave. within a minute of reaching the state transport depot, we saw the state bus leaving also, all full. i was just pondering on killing another .5 hr or so till the next bus arrives, when a guy shouting rs 150 mumbai, qualis stood right in front of me, fighting it out with a coupla other guys who were trying to sell me tickets for their own buses. qualis is a good 8-seater SUV(?) that most people use as cabs (mostly long-run). so, many times, if someone hires a qualis to come to pune from mumbai, the driver, on his way back, ferries people to mumbai making some extra cash. and 150/person sounded good enough. more importantly, all other co-passengers seemed very agreeable; 3 of them were the IT types. i, cyra, and sul settled ourselves nicely in the back-most seat. it started out pretty ok. but just about 10-15 kms or so into our journey, the driver started mumbling about something. he duly stopped in front of a couple of buildings by the side of the road, got down in a hurry and entered a clinic. the guy sitting in the front seat was getting pissed and slightly abusive, and among his own pissed-off blabberings i could make out that apparently the driver was feeling feverish, and he’s gone to get a shot. fair enough. the guys got off promptly. we waited for a while in the backseat, then felt that it might take longer than 5 minutes, so after some moments of fiddling around the mid-seat, so that it folds and we can get out, we three promptly jumped out. the pissed off guy was even more angry now. the nurse was insisting that after the shot, the driver guy should sit still for 20 mins or so. we got chips, waited some more, heard the pissed-off guy shout obscenities into the phone to the guy who maybe owned the qualis, got back into the qualis, the driver assuring us that we’ll be mumbai in time. the pissed-off guy shouted some more and banged the door really hard. that ticked the driver off (he had been apologizing and all, and was sorry that he had stop to take that shot). after that, he not only took his own sweet time to drive, but took the old highway route (there’s a very cool and fast expressway connecting pune and mumbai). the old highway is a small, narrow road, full of trucks, big scary trucks. he later told us (when the pissed-off guy, around 50, had got off, mumbling even more) that he’d done that to just piss him off even more. anyways, we did reach mumbai in ok time, listening to kajararey and other latest hit tunes. it was a nice ride and it all ended well.

well, the initiation of this post, in my mind, started when i was sitting in the qualis. there were 4 people in the back seat. sul, me, cyra in my lap, and another guy, who’s from chennai and has recently joined a big firm in pune. he doesn’t know hindi .. dats how we got talking, with me acting as interpreter between him and the driver. talking with him more i got to know that he wasn’t familiar with mumbai .. at all. the place he wanted to go to (chandivali in andheri east), was in an opposite direction to where his mumbai friend (another chennai guy on fone) was asking him to get off the qualis (dadar). the point where i was getting off (chembur), is the point where he should have got off, and then from there gone to powai (where i lived previously) and then chandivali, which is just beyond powai. i told him this. kinda also drew an imaginary map kinda thingie on the back of the seat in front, making the rubber lining at top as a highway reference point. and then i told him that he could come along with us, and that i can drop him off at the highway where the road turns for powai, and from there he can easily reach chandivali. within seconds of my saying this, he face changed hue, he had a weird look in his eyes (something like non-trust) … the guy visibly shrunk in his seat, and i even noticed the distance between our thighs grow to about 5 inches .. am not kidding. i so wanted to get him where he wanted to go, and he just .. shut himself up. we never exchanged a word again for the entire length of the journey.

there’s so much of negativity in this world. if you don’t/won’t/can’t trust a kind-looking woman (i am), with a child in her lap, then … well, i don’t know what to say. just that i am sure that it’d definitely have taken him a good extra 2-3 hours to reach a place i could’ve helped him reach in about a half hour.

piti measured my waist. i am 40″ now. i have now become the “before” picture of the ads of slimming centers.

na roko abhi mujhey
bus chalney do
chup-chap
mat saans lo
mere kaano mein
mat kaho
mujhey kya karna hai
kya nahi

umar nahi
kamar hai chalis
mat roko mujhey
aye logo
tumhey kya pata
kya maloom
ye paer
ab bhi udatey hein

its killing me
this wait
to feel
some semblance
of love
and maybe
care
i will do him
and him
and her
eventually
i will be so blotted
that you will
if/when
you do see me
fail to recognize
me
what i am
a human
[just a girl
standing in front
of a boy
asking him
to love her
:courtsey-notting hill]

i just felt today that one is most creative when one is sad, rather pensive (sadness takes you there). when one is happy, one is … beyond creation. one just “is”. one doesn’t feel the need anymore to create something, achieve something, work towards something. i am so happy today .. i am floating … not a reason i can give to the boss for non-creativity,no-focus on my side. but .. who gives a brickload. i am happy! :)

if he loved/loves you. then, why aren’t you together/married now?

its nobody’s fault that they “use” you. its there, they take it.

_______________________________________________________________

i wanna learn how to make chocolates. maybe i’ll join some classes or something. there’s a place nearby that offers cooking classes (hobby courses and such). i’ll go enquire.

… and then i’ll send some yummy home-made chocolates to dino.

3:45 pm> i just had a really-really, making-my-nose-drip spicy egg bhurji (scrambled). but it was yummy. it was so spicy that i had to consume four slices of white bread with it, where i normally have just two. i do miss dilli ka khana tho. i miss dilli-haat most of all. we (mostly me and veer, and always 3-4 tag-alongs) used to go and just “chill” there. 4 hrs, 5 hrs, 6 hrs in the evenings. some days … some day …. :)

i’ve been a bad girl. i was superficially hungry (no need to go eat anyways), and i faced a conflict about whether i should fulfill my perpetual urge to gobble down a McVeggie burger (extra mayo), at rs 35, or have a coupla dabelis (burger buns kinda things, sliced in the middle and stuffed with spiced mashed potatoes), rs 10 for 2. i thought since its just rs 35, i’ll go have a McVeggie, tho i’d terribly miss the fries and coke with it, but its ok once in a while to let it stage a solo performance in my tummy. i bought and enjoyed every mouth-full of it … towards the end thinking of going for a fillet-o-fish. then i noticed the rs 55 by its side and decided against it. i walked out, went towards the dabeli stall, got 2 vada-pavs (he didn’t have dabelis), and am munching on them right now. *sigh* :) but i am loving it … tarapapapaaaa. :)

i got this cool image of Natraj from a post in intentblog. can’t seem to be able to upload it tho. natraj, since i was a little gurl, was the ultimate image of my dreamguy. sexy, strong, sweet, good natured, strong, yet soft. everything a gurl/i could dream of in a guy. but, of late, that image was kind of being usurped with someone with long hair, and some beard, compassionate eyes (as opposed to the popoular angry look of shiva, though i know he’s far from it), and a love filled, natural smiling eyes and face, and tall and slim … something like a jesus look-alike. this image, is a beautiful mix of both. wow! i can kiss the creater. :)

haven’t gone clubbin in ages. piti, miss you gurl.

have managed a collection of li’l poems for dino. am wondering if it should put it up here. want to .. but, just that … i never “put” anything out. all my “nice stuff” is nicely wrapped and secured in some drawer, or bedbox … i just feel that if i un-wrap it and put it out, it’ll just wear-off, get dirty, lose its sheen and become old and dusty, like everything else. just the thought is so dehydrating.

buying a bicycle is turning a lot like learning how to drive. its a strong determination in my head, but in the middle of the day, it seems like something which is not very … real. not something i can hold in my hand and feel it. this week has been the fastest ever. its passed like a figher jet i gaze at from my balcony. its hard to imagine that today is friday. deep-down i can’t get rid of the feeling that its still thursday. i reached pretty late in office, around 12:30. couldn’t sleep much last night, my stuffed nose prevented me from breathing, hence making me feel .. non-sleepy. i had decided to go buy a bicycle this weekend, but now i don’t think that i will. i somehow can’t picture myself on a bicycle … not that i will never. i will most surely, but not this weekend. its so weird though, i had a bicycle till about 1996-98. i used to take it everywhere, and i used to love to ride it fast, on the delhi streets, far-off roads, sometimes even secret rendezvous with “love”. i will be great to feel that again, flying on the roads. maybe sometime during the next week. maybe i have grown “old”. :) … and hence my body feels weird when it comes to speeds more than about 10m/min.

i was thinking about my dream guy last night (no, not dino morea). but just someone i’d love to be with. i’d love it if my dreamguy cooks for me. not necessarily a good cook or anything, and not because he loves to cook, but because he loves to cook for me. and i’d also really, really enjoy cuddling up with him at night and read a book. the same book, together, the two of us, reading one page after another. too mushy haan? hmmm … but, i’d really like that. so after 31 years of lost life, i have two definite things i’d like to ‘have’ in a/my dreamguy. so if all the soulmate hulla-ballu is true, then such a guy does exist … if i am destined to have a soulmate that is. just like in that movie, sleepless in seattle, when on the radio he says that his dreamwoman can/will be able to peel an entire apple in one single … go, and there in her home, she’s actually doing it. wow!

and here’s a conflict. like, i love dobermans. i just love dobermans, and one day i do wish to have one, as part of the family. but if someday life/God hands me another breed, say a cock-her hehehehehe!!! spaniel, hahahahaha!!! no, no, lets make it a hound, i will start looking after the cute puppie, feeding him/her, loving and caring for it, and then it will be become a part of my life, making me forget my love for dobermans.

so, should i, initially when i have it recently, give it away, knowing my love for a doberman … and just wait for a doberman? or should i just keep it, thanking the universe and give it all i have. well, ideally, i would love to keep it, and when if at all, somewhere in life, i find a doberman, i will keep that one too. yummy!! :)

… so … should i wait for a guy who cooks for me .. with love, and reads books with me in bed, or make do with the current flame (whoever), and think that one afterall can’t have all. hard decision! i mean, how can one even go with the flow with this one? wouldn’t saying ‘no’ to the current one prove to be against the “flow”? oh i know … i shud just let things be, and not force anything to happen … not make an effort … like i had been doing previously. all disasters.

my poems
are just like me
not beautiful
or even pleasant
but just what they are
as they got created
like a river
took natural turns
just flowed on flat lands
and fell when at edge

my love (read lust)
is something like that
not beautful,
or pretty
just base … very base
it knows not
how to sing
just croaks
that i am hungry
a green toad that has no magic

i saw one just yesterday
a big frog, green and slimy
lying flat on the raod
squashed, stuck to the tarmac
stupid toad
it saw a handsome prince
and hopped wildly
screaming, “stop O Prince”
and the flashy white mercedes
just wizzed past by,

… not knowing what it crushed

my angel
keep smiling at me
cos that’s how i see you
in my mind
in my dreams
smiling
always

i was thinking
that maybe i am depressed
i had a big veg kathi roll
(dats the only big thing
i’ve had
of late)
then a McVeggie
with coke
a “happy” meal
huh!
like that’d help
but that is
when
i thought
munching on the hot crispyness
that maybe
most assuredly
i am depressed
why else pray
am i
so ravenously hungry
and also happy
why,
i haven’t been this happy
in eons
so i don’t even realize
the sadness within
and hence
i am definitely
depressed

and oh what a depression
i’ve been smiling
all along
singing songs
laughing by myself
saying a cheery
hello, to strangers
tipping the auto guys
not caring about small change
the breeze feels good
soft in my hair
the sun
shines
it smiles
staring at me
i look at kids
in the stores and the shops
and i like them
the .. the .. monsters
ah! this depression
its gonna kill me
it feels so good.

PS:
is there really
heaviness in my breasts
or is it
my heavy breast
just being itself

the weekend was nice
i didn’t think about you even once
no ache, no urge, no craving
no lustful thots
no wanting to
just sit and stare

i was so happy
and glad
its finally over
i am over you
so over, that just last evening
i was thinking what a fool i’d been

today, a new day
monday, a new week
back to work
routine, boring
regular life
which i can’t escape

it comes back
this morose life regime
and so do you
smiling, grinning
flashing your wretched dimples
defeating my failing heart

at 0000 hrs on the 1st of january, 2006, i was standing on the highway … under a dark, dirty, dusty with black pollution soot that was everywhere, fly-over kind of a thing, and the hiway traffic zooming past in the polluted mist, of which i could fathom just bright headlights, some large, some small, almost all of them blinding … cos i was standing almost in the middle of the road, where the road was the narrowest, trying to be in the vision of all passing vehicles. i was waiying for piti, squinting hard at the oncoming traffic, trying to look for a black car, in the black night, on a blacker than black road. she had no idea exactly where on the highway i was standing, a small baby in tow, she wasn’t aware of the area .. she was awary. the fones wouldn’t connect. the zillion people calling, to give messages of love on the new year had jammed the networks tight. i couldn’t reach her, she couldn’t reach me. i would’ve started shitting bricks, if I wasn’t the woman that I am … stupid and ignorant … unaware of the lurking dangers in the big bad city (bad! huh! these mumbai wallahs haven’t spent a day in delhi .. hehehe!!). i didn’t have her address, all i knew was that she stays in thane. without fones i will not be able to get an address till the network starts working again, possibly till the morning. no point cursing hutch .. i put myself in this position. and to top it all, i had lost all fone numbers due to a recent demise of my SIM card. i was in mumbai, with no fone numbers i could call and no address i could go to … there, standing in the middle of a black, soot-full hole, with yellow lights of the sad streets coming and going in all directions making the scene more depressingly melancholic, in a softly scary, morose way.

and suddenly, i heard loud kabooms, cracking sounds, and far-out cheers of people i couln’t see coming from dark alleys behind me. it was as if the Gods looked down per chance, saw me lost, and cracked a whip. a crack opened in the skies and my call went through. “J where are you”, she cried out, angry desperation clear in her voice. i felt a relief. my heart let out a smile … “Happy New Year” i said. i did after all get to celebrate my new year’s the way i had wished .. out on the roads. not exactly the way i had pictured, but i’d say S/He, at least tried. Thank you lord! :) i didn’t disconnect till we saw each other. it was 0030 hrs. the cake was still with me. big, chocolaty, and still intact … lying there, to be violated soon.

this is how it all started. in the late new year’s eve, as is typical of the workings of my mind, i decided that i will go to mumbai and celebrate my new years’ with piti, the only semblance of family that i had around for some thousand miles at least. between 7:30 and 8:30, i called piti, got myself and cyra ready and packed … nothing really, and dashed out of the house, stopping on the way to pick up the (heavenly) cake i’d ordered, reached the place where we catch buses (volvo) to mumbai, boarded a bus that was completely empty, panicked some and got off, kind of envisaged the behind of a huge white bus (volvo) near the dusty, cluttered horizon of the over-congested narrow road, panicked some more as its lights and indicator had started blinking signifying that it was readying to move, tightened my grip on cyra’s hand, and ran towards the large white body of hope. amazingly, cyra ran just as fast, i got pleasantly surprised while running, and laughed out loud. she cheered too in glee. she was just happy to be running towards a big bus hand-in-hand with mommy. thankfully we got a seat. we always do actually *touchwood*. i happily parted with rs 180 (start of my financial decline for the new year) and hopped on to the front seat, right behind the driver .. my favorite.

after piti picked us up, we headed towards bandra as planned. and wow! it was really nice seeing all those people out on the streets, happy, cheering, hugging each other and wishing a happy new year to all. there were bright lights everywhere. it was hard to imagine that that scary dark place was not that far away. we reached carter road at about 12:50-1:00. the sea front was really crowded and all three of us were starving .. and we still hadn’t cut the cake. i was dying to lay the cake somewhere and plunge a cold knife into its chocolaty guts .. if it bled, it’d ooze thick, dark chocolate .. ummm. we couldn’t find a place to park. i wanted to take the gals to one of those road-side joints, those on an inner street off the main carter road, mb and cs and a coupla others, which i looked on to nostalgically. a place where i and S have spent many a happy evenings in the past. when we reached there though, all of those places were completely empty, except CCD. but sandwiches weren’t what we wanted for a late-late night meal. we followed my advice, and entered cs, where i and S used to just sit, chat, and reminisce, long, long ago. wow! those were some happy times. S, we missed you. but the place looked so different now, so lost, so faraway. not only the entire road in the front has been dug up (the wretched government, digging up roads all over seems to be some perverted, obssessive hobby), changing the entire face of the place, it was hauntingly empty .. reminding me even more of the long gone days when we used to just sit there and sip lemonade for hours, reminiscing. it was in stark contrast to the past … this dusty sad present of the place. all those days/months back, it used to be full of nice, clean, bright, recently washed and scrubbed happy, smiling faces, some familiar, most not. the place itself used to look bright, well-lit and welcoming. and now, now it looked like a haunted salon of a ghost town. hollow, empty, silent, and dark (weirdly, the lighting was dimmed, and i don’t remember any decorations). as if time had frozen, stood still. even the owners of those places, who were a usual sight there, were conspicously absent, as if they’d fled .. fast, in a hurry, leaving everything behind, not even taking so much as a spoon with them. and everything just lay there, in its designated place, uncared for, the way it had back then, back in those days of glory, of continous partying, shouting, and humor. and now it just stood there .. open and dry, devoid of life, without a soul. maybe we should’ve ordered some more back then … it looked like they could use the money. cos now when i look back, it’d been more of a “hang-out” joint, people used to just “hang-around” there, maybe.

back to reality, it was nice sitting there after so long. thinking of S, talking, gossipin, sharing, updating each other on the days we hadn’t talked since piti was in delhi. she told me this and i told her that. its nice being just gurls. we had the entire place to ourselves, although the music sucked. the first thing we did when we settled in was ask for a knife. the food ritual got over soon after, some hugs, cake offerings, and happy new year wishes later. and suddenly we were all really sleepy, just like that. our eyes felt helpless in the death-like grip of the sleep that suddenly took over … perhaps the slow, thick, ghost of the chocolate cake decided to avenge its richness that lay wasted in our bloated tummies. but we stuck to the new year zeal, and were on the streets with some great music (thanks to 91 FM .. or was it 92.5?) till about 4. its a different thing that it took us an hour just to reach home. but wow! i had never seen so many people and just as much police on the roads before (except in CP, delhi on an earlier new year’s communal party). i did get tempted to sit some more at CCD, but piti had had it. she wanted to spend a quiet new years’ eve at home with me and cyra, or without. :) so we just marched on, smiling back at the drunk (most of em’) smiling faces that smiled at us. piti shared the information in much bemused astonishment that there’ll be/has been a business of rs 10 crores of liqour that night. all she could detect in the sweet grapefruit air was drunken criminality. dats piti for you. :)

there was so much more i wanted to say. but i am tired of typing now .. and i am really sleepy. i just (’bout a coupla hours back) reached pune, and then office. i’ll try and gather my threads in the evening.

i’m glad i went to mumbai for new years’. thanks piti! :) happy new year! and no, just because you were on a wild goose chase on new years’, you will not be doing just that for the rest of the year. trust me! :)

happy new year everyone!

PS: saw king kong! sucks. too long … they went over-board with almost everything.