1:45 am

can’t sleep
my eyes are heavy curtains
dark maroon, and black
dropping on themselves
pulling down my mind with them
blanking everything out
yearning to close
there goes the curtain call
but i just
can’t sleep

hey you
are you still around?
somewhere on the stage?
behind the screens
hiding, smiling, grinning
its not funny, you know
my head hurts now
my heart has gone numb
the mind doesn’t care
and, i can’t sleep

look into my eyes
they’ll look glazed
all the symptoms are there
of a body gone shut
deep in slumber
the nocta necra look
even the deep breathing
the smooth labor
of my heaving chest
like a child in mommy’s lap

though glazed, they are open
my eyes and my mind
did u jerk me awake
or whispered something in my ear
and i’d thot i cudn’t hear u anymore
hush, be quiet
go back to your world
let me be, in my sleep
for it won’t come if u b here
go on, i can’t sleep

o sleep, sweet sleep
come here, sit near
no noone’s here
so you don’t fear
no one will disturb you
cos the storm that was there
the tornado in my mind
it has gone to rest
the strong wind has subsided
the tempest, the book is shut
there will be no other
no pages long forgotten
dog eared and torn at ends
that might remind you of those nights
when you used to caress me
your child you looked after for years
my smile and my fresh cheeks and eyes
nothing will make you miss
that laughter that you loved
the arms that cradled my head with you
the bed that was always unmade
always warm, and always bright
come here, lie down
squeeze me, hug me,
cos if you don’t come now
i will sleep forever

saw a really sad picture of amitach bachhan in the paper today. it was in really bad taste. the media are really cheap, disgusting people. not only media, we, the people have forgotten the meaning of the word RESPECT. forget meaning, we have forgotten the very word. let the poor family be people. they deserve it, as human beings. last year, i stopped taking the TOI as they had posted something nasty about an actress. i think i’ll stop again. when i moved into this house in pune, the newspaper wallah just started giving me this paper, and i never stopped him, like i never do anything unless directly affected. like any typical indian. *sigh* and just the other day i was telling someone that i need to be more pro-active in life.

my head hurts when i try and think. so i won’t. c ya later.

someone told me that practicing to write with my left hand will make me more creative. k. i’ll give that one shot too.

a dry, dry leaf
lying in a corner
since for ever
dry, and still.
gathering dust

a soft breeze
last night
moved it away
it did move
but didn’t fly away

for it wasn’t
completely dry
there was a drop
of moisture beneath
holding it down

like that
you hold me
somewhere deep within
not letting go.
let go

i need to
crumble
and get blown (no pun)
into the sky
the horizon, my home now

this has been the sleepiest, most lazy weekend i have had in like … uhhh … all my weekends are sleepy and lazy. i feel bad for M. she’d been wanting to go out since sunday morning. actually, she’d been making plans for all day sunday since saturday night. but me and Z just lazed around, from the bed to the living room couch, and back to the bed. towards the late afternoon, when M came back looking all pink and pretty, and like a bright firecracker all set to go off, into the sky in all its glory, the 2 of us were horizontally positioned, all half-open eyed, like gravity is pulling us down with all its force and we are helpless against the magnetic attraction. we did manage to pick ourselves up towards the evening. but it was pretty late by the time we got out. a flying birdie had told us about this road-side fashion show that was supposed to happen. we made it to its tail-end just sliding out of sight. but it wasn’t much anyway. it was so insignificant that i can’t even think of any apt to describe it. let me try thought! although its pretty late in the night for me to actually crank up the engine of my brain. i’m all sooted out. i’ll try it in the morning tomorow.

started my morning with the booming music of ‘deedar de’. hai ishq to, ishq to, galey se laga le (if there’s love, then hold me [gala is neck, so literally its 'neck me']). really like these lines.

i was reading stuff on some blogs and came across the line, ‘She is 77 years old, a heart patient, her body ravaged by arthritis’, and it reminded me of … me, so deeply that it moved me. like, not in a sad, or a scary way. but just touching me somewhere, way beneath my skin.

i had a nice time last evening. had the yummiest chocolate cake in ages. it was a chocolate-beetroot cake. really yummy. although i had passed that place a number of times, but never took it seriously. should have. its good, and cheap. :) … like me … uhhh … not exactly like me … i am good, and free. :)

11:03 PM:

the reliance connection sucks big time.

dear god
please give me
grant me
slaves
not 2, nor 3
but six.
devoted
loving and caring
and protective

each 6 feet
in height
broad shouldered
slender bodied
strong
yet tender
soft
yet tough
smiling
yet a volcano within

slaves
who will dance
when i smile
and cook
when i look
a certain way.
who will feed me
spoon feed me
wipe my ass
when i step out of
a shower

take me out
take me in
tell me things
sing me songs
be my mommy
be my daddy
listen to me rave
appreciate my
hoarse voice in song

dear god
please grant me
this wish
for i have been
a good girl
like you
wished me to be

23rd november
i just had chholey bhaturey, aloo tikki chaat, and 2 huge, soft, warm, and completely scrumptious gulab jamuns, drowned in garam-garam sugar syrup. mmmmm ….. if that’s what it takes to motivate me to write, then be it o lord! i will do as you command.

my skin looks very de-hydrated since i moved to pune. i think its because its very, very dusty here. it just sucks all moisture. my fingers are aching to go on, but i got this review to complete. as a matter of fact, i got 2 reviews to complete.

24th november
i couldn’t sleep last night. that hasn’t happened in a long time. i blame it on the work scene that has screwed up my sleep cycle big time. now my body insists on sleeping till 11 am, and then is wide-awake till 3 in the morning. last night i saw the movie jerry mcguire, yet again, on cable. i like that movie. and i really like tom cruise in that. i like the college boy good looks. talking of good looks, did i mention that bouncer i’d met many weekends back at this sole decent club in pune? well, i didn’t heed piti’s disapproving comments, “afterall, he’s a bouncer”, and went ahead with trying to get friendly. i believe in equal opportunity. i really don’t care about education, or bringing-up, or general intelligence, if the person is fundamentally good. but sadly, i do admit, i should’ve listened to piti. yes, afterall, he is a bouncer. no, its not just because he can’t talk well, or that all he likes in the name of movies is porn, but its his entire attitude. why is he so uncouth, uncivilized, unetiquetted, and generally thoughtless and unthinking? not because he’s just a bouncer i am sure. he hails from this small town on the borders of haryana and punjab, ambala. i know that place. my grandparents settled there after coming to India after partition. and yes, if i try and recall the people i know/knew who lived there, they were, in a way, all like that. crass. forgive me lord. i am using these terms just as factual statements, not as anything derogatory. why can’t they accept a girl who exchanges phone numbers with them in a chance encounter, as just another regular person. and now he’s been acting like this teenager gone berzerk, who just can’t get his dick to go down, and desperately needs help. although i admit, i was big time tempted to bite into this big juicy burger, now the oodles of oozing cheese and mayo, carrying a strange stink from inside the core, are making me nauseas. plus, somehow i don’t feel safe. he has this great body. yum! yum! hmmm …. that night when i was talking with him in the club, i gently touched his arm … biceps … and Oh My God! his skin is smooth like cyra’s bum. and all that taut muscle beneath. ahhhh!!! but then that is exactly what makes him so dangerous. i definitely have no way of over powering him if he turns nasty. so my first instinct is to say no. he’s been asking me out for a coupla weekends. i was pretty eager initially, i rather wanted to. but after getting to know him better on the fone, it doesn’t seem like such a great idea. i don’t feel safe. plus, he’s been insisting to meet at night. he says that’s the only time he gets off. he works all day in a gym. he’s a physical instructor. he’s given up the bouncer thing … it was just extra pocket money.

i had much on my mind last night. much i wanted to write about. but then i switched on the tube and started watching tom cruise.

i shouldn’t resent his strength. it must’ve taken him months … maybe years to reach this … this … david-like stage. i wish i have the conviction to do something like that. work on myself. make myself beautiful, and strong. so i don’t have to think twice about going out in the night, with an awesome body which i’d love to see naked. *sigh*

i know now. wats wrong with me. everything! *sigh* so where do i start. picking up the tiny threads of this great dishevel, scattered all over this huge, huge place, among cartons toppled helter-skelter, their contents, my contents lying splat all over the floor, over each other, some entwined, some jumbled. phew! where do i start, when, this long, ardous task, this bohemoth chore of sorting everything, putting it in place, making place, throwing out waste. wow! just thinking about it creaks my joints.

today, yet again, i got up at 10:30 am. as usual, i duly put off the 6:00 am alarm, and called M to tell her that the walk/part run stands canceled … i don’t feel so good … were my exact words. her sleepy, slightly slury gurgles gave away the relief in her voice, when she said a simple OK, feigning disdain. and i didn’t even feel bad. skipping the much needed, and by now necessary exercise. but its true you know. i really haven’t been feeling so good of late. maybe that fever i had some 10-15 days back never truly left me. i still feel weak, and sleepy most of the time. in the morning, although my mind wakes up by 8, my body keeps sleeping, mostly with eyes closed till 10:30 - 11:00. like, i am aware of most things happening around; the jharu getting done, cyra kissing me a bye on a sleepy, unaware cheek, sunshine peeping in through the curtains and throwing some of its early poop on my arms, stuff like that. and then lazily, my mind tells my body that the empress needs to go to work, to provide fodder for everyday functioning, and general well-being. and the empress then slowly heavs her heavy-due-to-lack-of-any-exercise body, and puts her de-hydrated, scaly feet on the ground.

what woke me up today was piti’s fonecall. she wanted to make sure that i cancel my plans of coming over to mumbai for the weekend, so that she can feast on the fresh meat the good harvest is promising. heeheeheehee!! just joking (ahem .. piti will be reading this). but i had been planning on cancelling it out anyways. last evening, i went to the ATM to check out my balance. there isn’t any. *sigh* on top of that the HR has changed the salary structure drastically, since the payroll system got taken over by some slimy money company in delhi, a good chunk of my pay will be given to me only if i produce bills equivalent to that amount. i, of course, as yet, don’t have any bills. so this month i will anyways be getting much less money in hand. and i have to pay the EMI on the laptop loan, and the life insurance quarterly thingie. and after the awe inspiring rent, and the maid’s 2-months due pay, i hope i get left with some milk money for my child. *sob**sob**sob**sob**sob* WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

and i saw this really sad dream, which i told piti about. i saw that johnny depp has come over. and its not my house, its some place else. some place i don’t know at all; a vast, open space that somehow has a feeling of a big, spacious room. and i am trying hard, lashing my eyelids, smiling sweet smiles. and then i go over, for a moment, to where piti is lying, apparently in agony, of this heat that has taken over her entirely, from the longest hair on her head to her toe nails. i am, i think talking to her about something, hurriedly, as i want to go back to where johnny depp is sitting. when suddenly, with the alacrity of a monky, johnny depp reaches to where piti is lying down, stretched to the maximum, and he lies over her. for a moment, piti shows disbelief, although animated. and then, like a snake, johnny wraps himself around her, and his hands go under her light pink, broad round neck top, obviously massaging where he shouldn’t be massaging her … that … that … monkey. and i just sit there. like i always do. in real life also, like another monkey … just watching, crying inwardly. *sigh*

the weekend was nice and peaceful. especially sunday. slow, sunny afternoons, that pass ever so leisurly. i clicked some pictures of cyra. it didn’t happen exactly the way i saw it in my mind. clicking pictures used to be a part of me kabhi. good shots used to flow naturally. now half the time, i can’t position myself the way i need to for a good picture because of my aching knees. ah yes! about the sunday afternoon. it was beautiful. me and cyra went down for a stroll, within the building complex, to spend some slow moments at our favorite spot, the mandir. there’s this cute little mandir in our building complex, tiny little circular place, fenced in with plants, and three stone benches in front of the small structure that is always locked, and a tree with little, round fruits kinda things growing on it in bunches. the keys to the mandir are with the security, you can ask them to open it for you, if you wish. and just by the side of the mandir is a typical platform around a tree that they make around trees in mandirs. and on that platform is a yellow marble-looking block, with small foot-prints, signifying God Ram’s foot-prints i guess, and a small Ganesh. i can’t recall if there’s the red holi thread tied around the tree. i’ll go check it out.

after ages, i have the use of my laptop again. sitting in that mandir complex i had a talk with veer. and he told me that i can at least reboot my machine and still be able to use it for basic writing (typing) purposes without having to install MS Office. wow!! and what took him so long just telling me that? :) no really, thanks veer. i had no idea that windows XP comes with the basic software one needs to function in this world; like wordpad and IE. so once we got out of the mandir, and generally walked about near the vermiculture plant, i put cyra to bed for her afternoon nap, and started rebooting, and reformatting my laptop. it took almost till the evening, completely drowning my plans to take cyra to that osho park i just love. i go there for my early morning walks. like everything else in my life, its just beautiful *touchwood*. but its open for public only for some hours in the morning and some in the afternoon. plus, the best time to fully appreciate it is early morning (or at least in full daylight). when the entire park has just woken up, so fresh, so fragrant, each tiny leaf so dewy, and there’re so many of them. and then there’s this little part of the park, that has a thick blanket of short plants, blooming with yellow flowers. its like an angel her/himself came and sprinkled that place with flowers. the other day, when i was there with M, sitting in one of the quiet corners, enjoying the early morning peace of new-like, fresh early morning, we saw at least 3 different kinds of kingfisher, around the brook-like nullah flowing nearby. although there was contention over one of them, whether it was a kingfisher or not. it was rather large, grey, and slow, and beautiful contrasting white wings when it spread them to take short flights. initially i thought that it didn’t have wings and that’s how i introduced it to M, pretty confidently, that its a non-flying kingfisher. and soon, it spread its pure, almost-glowing-so-white wings and flew across the water body. we studied it moving about its business for quiet some time, before our fancy got took over by another awesome variety which unquestionably was a kingfisher. with a bright, peacock blue back. it was really beautiful. i missed my camera then.

i have been getting bored in life of late. like, there’s so, so, so damn much that needs to be done. and i am doing nothing. *sigh*

bluey … ur tooey
nothing inedible
all chewy :)

ye thehra paani
jahan gush karta thaa
ik jharna
mainey dekha thaa
wo gubar
ik bukhar
…..
ab utra sa lagta hai
at least
you’re not all hot and red
painting flowers
whose petals
have withered
and fallen on the dusty ground

and then later:

arz kiya hai -

dabi yaad
ke saath kuchh aur bhi hai
daba hua
dab dab ke
piss piss ke
khun mein mil gaya hai
wo jo hai
kuchh daba hua
ab zakhmo sey ubar kar
bahar aa raha hai

behney do usey
us gandey khoon ko
dabana nahi aur
khuley chhod do zakhm
hawa lagney do
dekhaney do khuda ko
wo jo uskee zidd ne kiya hai
uski marzi
malham bhi wahi
kashi bhi

had gone to cyra’s school this morning. they had a workshop kind of a thing. on the 5 senses. looked pretty pathetic. for the 2k they charge me every month, for 2 hrs per day, one would think that their child sits in the lap of luxury in the name of a playschool. but it’s pathetic. the rooms are about the size of any standard store room. and they looked pretty sad. really sad! and they call it one of the best schools in the whole of pune. pune is not that sad. even the posters on the classroom walls are so sad. dull and lifeless. hanging there just for the heck of it. not one bright thing on the walls. sad!! 2 tiny rooms, and with all the kids and their mommies, and momies’ bags, there was hardly room to even turn around and quietly walk out. which is what i so wanted to do. but cyra looked really enthusiastic, eyes all twinkling and all. remember, i’d mentioned about a teacher who i felt gave me negative vibes? she was beaming today. she was the only one who could actually communicate with each child on an individual level. and she was the only teacher at whose stall cyra responded well. and the stalls. boy! a tiny baby table made a stall. 3 of those and the room was completely full. so now you can imagine the size of the rooms. cyra recognized all the tastes … yippeee!!! :) it felt so good. the rest of the things were pretty … dull. we gave all a superficial look and went to the next room. the next room was better. it had senses of touch and sight. cyra matched everything correctly. it made me so happy. i clapped and cheered my champion. she even matched cards with multiple colors, without a second thought or even a second look. i din even know she could do that. wow!!

and then there was a tiny queue of tiny kids, lined to touch various samples of smooth, rough etc. a little kid was rubbing a stone, another one was feeling a marble, another one had his hands on a sand paper. and then there was my baby. her hands were fondly caressing the smooth round cheeks of a little boy standing next to her. he turned nasty and slightly pushed her. i patted her back in sympathy. you couldn’t blame her. that little guy had cheeks like 2 huge rosogullas on both sides of his face. and blue eyes on that. i think he’s french. his mommy was saying something that sounded like french. i like french.

anyways, it took promises of pune central and buying jam that eventually made her get out of that place she fondly calls school. the nice, peaceful, walk we had on the boulevard-like road just outside the school was so much better. my effort in trying to heave crya up so she would try and climb on one of the huge trees turned futile, as she just wouldn’t take a step upwards, insisting that she’s too little and that she would fall (mein bahut chhoti hoon naaaaaa …. mein gir jaoongi). *sigh* i so wanted to see her up that tree trunk. those trees are huge, with their age-old roots coming out from the branches towards the ground. the huge main trunk branches into more trunks not too far from the ground, hence forming a nice base that one can prop up on. someday, i will make her stand there, nesteled in the trunk, like a wild, jungle child, and click a nice snap. :)

that evening
i saw the Sun
and i saw the moon
both together
in the same sky
one setting
and one rising
one austere and beautiful
shiny
like just washed and scrubbed
the other
enveloped a thousand heavens
far from austere
it rode proud
on its 7 horsed ride
and it showed
that pride, that glory
even when it sank
it was not just a spark
the horizon was aglow

dats how i feel
about you
and
the love, the desire
at times
it just stands there
and shines
bright
just to make you smile
and then there are times
i glow
like there’s light within
a zillion watts
the light that is love
this love that is yours
i can’t keep it in
and i beam
lighting up this world
that never knows
that it’s me
again this evening
so full with your love

- no! i am not seeing anyone. :)

NOvember 18:

and you stand there
watching me go down
hand in hand
in a loving embrace
wanting to share
to show
the glory
the glow
the end
of a soul
all lit up
in love
sinking slowly
with a pregnant heart

sense, and non-sense.

just had a pretty non-sensical discussion regarding these two (and a half) words with a friend. well the topic was not just sense and non-sense in general, but how non-sensical people get when it comes to basic human relationships. by basic, i mean sexual. because around sex is what the life of this friend of mine revolves, rotates, precipitates. although everytime i say this out loud in any conversation about who, and who doesn’t have a huge you know what, he aggressively denies that he is absolutely, positively obssessed by sex. he is!

there was a time when i was. obssessed by sex. not the act so much, or rather i should change the word sex. lets call it nudity. i’ve always liked things in the nude. everything, anything. and not just people. cover it up, it takes away the beauty, the basic identity of that composition, natural or not.

coming back to sense, and non-sense.

i just had another discussion with another friend M. now M, i believe is a highly accomodating person. from all the chats that i have had with her in the past 2 months (dats the time i have known her since), highly accomodating is an understatement. like, take for example the disucssion we just had, to which Z was a active contributer. the discussion sprouted from the evening out (about an hour) i had with this guy i got aquainted with over the net. now that guy’s profile, on the net, described him as athletic. a little something about my online preferences here, i initiate chat mostly only with people who have … ummm what i would state as physically “appealing” looks. i am pretty superficial that way. hey! i am not meeting these guys to spend the rest of my life with. the guy i saw this evening was far from athletic. althought he was nice and all, but what didn’t sit well with me was the fact that well … athletic was what you had mentioned, and athletic is what you are just not. he was big, and had a substantial belly.

M wanted me to give that guy the benefit of doubt. she insists that the term athletic is “relative”. it so not is. not if you are a good 30 kilos overweight and have a pot belly.

love is
looking into your eyes
and never tiring of smiling
the smile that hurts my cheeks
when i am smiling with people
who hardly matter

love is
touching your cheek
like i do my own child’s
with love and a promise
that i will take care of you
till whenever you want
to rest your soul

love is
squeezing you tight
but yet soft
so that you breath
like you do
into my ears
with your fingertips
caressing my skin

love is
running my fingers
through your hair
(i know its a cliche)
but i love doing it
a little harder
and i’d come
just sitting here
by your side

love is
watching you
in my dreams
and then waking up
to make that dream come true

nay,
that’s paradiso

i remember, how the song(?) firestarter by prodigy used to enthuse this complete sense of being on fire in me. and not the hot, hot fire. but those bright, red-black flames of cool darkness that know nothing apart from shooting straight up. i think our lord of dance, Shiva, would love this number. :) i used to be a great fan of shiva. i always wanted a beau just like Him. tall (or not), good-looking, great dancer, a waist i could circle my arm around, a chest i would love caressing … and a peaceful ever smiling face. now i fancy the christ look-alikes. long shoulder-length hair (although Shiva has long hair too), but its the compassionate face that takes my heart. the soulful, moist with love eyes. Shiva has more strength, and Christ, for me, more love. :)

my mind has been empty of late. i guess its because of how i have been feeling physically. not too good. stomach’s acting up again. my tummy is the core of my physical factory. something minutely goes wrong there, i break down, literally. and to make things worse, its the most vulnerable spot in me.

nothing’s flowing. ah!

m planning to get another tattoo, in all probability today. the phrase i had decide on, IN OMNIA PARATUS, i suddenly realized doesn’t exactly mean what i’d thought it did. what i’d read earlier was that it means ‘ready for anything’, but further research shows that it really means ‘prepared for anything’. slight difference. but now i think i’ll get it done. the next question, where. hmmm …. i’ll think some more about it.

i have been feeling pretty low today, and pretty suddenly. i was feeling exhilirated in the morning. more like floating, on a cool cloud, very near the warm coziness of the ever-loving sun. and then it happened … like on a roller coaster ride. it suddenly dipped. i was so enthused in the morning, to do this, and to do that, and now suddenly .. nothing. i feel empty. my brain feels empty. my heart feels empty. i wanna go sit with veer for a while. communicate with him. you know whats so beautiful about me and veer. if i try and look back, i can’t recall a single fight or argument we had. all i remember is the good times … all of them … through the centuries.

i worked through thursday night, till 4 friday morning, went home and slept till 10. caught the 11:30, maybe 12 o’clock bus to mumbai with cyra in tow. reached mumbai at around 3:30, and headed straight for the orange shop and got my fone fixed. they gave me a brand nu SIM card. and then, i was about to put my first step on the rolling leather belt of fate. to be drawn towards my destiny, for which the universe had conspired and corrupted my fone, so that i would come to mumbai and do what i had been wanting to do for ever now. but then something happened. i called piti. and she asked me to … come away. which i did. cos i don’t want to put any effort into what is meant to happen. i don’t want to make happen (i’ve got a pretty strong will), something that was never meant to in the first place. i have brewed enough such like disaters already. no more. now, my destiny, will come to me, if i am truly meant to have it. :) it makes me feel good thinking about it. cos if it doesn’t, i know that it was never meant to be. and then i will thank the lord, for keeping the world the way it is.

forget losing weight, i have gained some of late. maybe that’s whats depressing me.

i am on a high today. the neighbourhood auntie woke me up at 10, panicky as always. she had locked herself out of her house, again. so we called the guy who lives across her house. she keeps an extra set of keys in his house. god knows what happened then, i promptly hit bed again soon after. altho i do remember asking her to make herself comfortable. the last i remember was a pretty lost, vague, distant look on her face, in her eyes. she’s a strange sorta person. like she is not there with you most of the times, even when you are standing bang in front of her, talking to her s-l-o-w-l-y, looking deep into her eyes … and the cornea still escapes you.

and then within minutes, i got up again. and since that moment i have been a bundle of energy. all active and hyper about my form 16. i did find it eventually.

my fone went dead suddenly in the mid-morning. it says SIM card rejected. the orange people i called are saying that i need to get the fone into an orange shop, maybe there’s some physical problem with the SIM card. there’s no orange shop here in pune. so most probably, i’ll try and go to mumbai tomorow morning, and get piti to come back with me friday night. i hope i get to take the day off tomorow. life’s sad without the mobile, altho its rare that i get a call.

thot of these lines last night, while falling into slumber:

i’ll never reach your lips
it’ll take me eons just kissing your fingers

piti tried to enable my ‘comments’ thingie for this site. wonder if she succeeded.

love.
i have always known
that i know it.

when lithe,
nimble limbed
riding a fast black horse
i knew, its useless
i din need it
why shud anyone else

and then
i grew, within
caught myself smiling
at nothing at all
then again i knew
its a rope
made of silk
smells of roses
i knew
i want it
around my neck
to pull me
into the dark, cool recesses
of unknown joy and desires

i grew some more
my heart found new expressions
new worlds of thought
feelings that liberated
love sat beside me then
talking to me
like a best friend would

and just today
in the afternoon
i saw myself
aggressively asserting
i know what love is
what you need
to make a success of it
and then i looked
within, a dry well
and found myself
sighing
a cold, cold sigh
wanting, wishing
if only i had a subject
to apply this new science
the formulas of which
i know so well

i wanna own a club!

i wonder if its easier to get money if you are famous (and have brains), or if its easier to get fame if you have money. i wonder if i’ll be better able to “have” dino if i am rich, or if i am famous. hmmm … i wonder.

i have kinda started following the desired path … of watching what i eat, and then eat with some jurisdiction. but my waist is still wasted. the plan to go for a power walk every morning went for a sweet toss when i returned home at 1 last night after work, obviously deleting aLL chances of me getting up in the morning and going for some cardio-control measures. i woke up with a phone call from some BPO working for citibank. yes, i didn’t tell them that i have moved to pune thereby creating obstacles in the smooth routine of paying off my loan installments every month directly from my bank account. i haven’t told half the guys i was dating that i am moving. about 1/4th didn’t even call to ask if my respiratory system is still functioning the way it should. one guy told me that its ok if i don’t wanna see him but i should not go to such lengths of telling lies that i am moving out of the city. no sweets, no guy/person is worth it … unless of course the suffix to your name is bhai.

time and again i am getting that urge to hold a brush again, dip it in paint and make a stroke. but when i try and focus on that thought, on where that stroke ends, it fails me. i don’t feel it going anywhere. and that’s disappointing. i had gone hunting for some brushes. i couldn’t find a nice one. all the ones that there were in the shop had a coupla stray hair coming out from all directions, or at least one. that disappointed me further. and the passion’s not passioned enough to make me go that extra mile and actually look for a genuine arts shop. someday. maybe this weekend. i’ll try. piti is coming over this weekend. i am looking forward to saturday. i have a date with this cute guy i’d met sometime back. i asked piti to come along, cos we’re going to this hot (literally) club, and clubbing is no fun without your pals. haan piti? :)