last night was very exciting. as has been happening for the past 4-5 days, lying down in bed waiting for sleep to come and grace the eyes was sheer torture. the nose was stuffed to maximum capacity and the throat would get irritated even if the wind whispered whatever gossip in the remotest corners of jupiter. so it wasn’t like i slept once i did. i kept moving about, opening my eyes, closing them, trying to make myself comfortable on the pillows propped up at a 45 degrees angle so as to keep my nose vertical so it doesn’t completely get clogged. and a couple of times i felt that the passing trains (the tracks are too close for comfort. as s puts it, the building contruction people must have bribed someone big time to get permission to use up land so close to the tracks. but then again i don’t think we have that kinda pro-people laws in India that take care of such things as people not getting hurt by noise pollution, or any other pollution for that matter. s has spent too much time in the US.), well, i felt that the passing trains, with their demonic whistles, so loud it felt like they are trying to wake up God so s/he would come and rescue them, it really felt like they are coming right towards our building and are going to crash into it. so i was already kind of out of the deep slumber due to one of those screaming metal devils, when i felt something brush on my arm and a strange sound … like frrrrrrrr …. or srrrrrrrr, some kinda rrrrrrrrrrrr. it was loud enough to wake me up completely. and not just wake me up, i was on high alert, straight on my knees on the bed. lights on the building periphery and other homes placed strategically in line with the open window make sure that there is never complete darkness in the room at night. its ok, i rather like it that way. so i woke up with this strange brush on my arm and the sound, and my reflexes made my arm shrug. whatever it was, jumped towards cyra who was sound asleep right beside me. i clearly saw a big, black shadow as it jumped a couple times on cyra’s arm making the same sound. i was scared. for a moment i thought its some kinda huge centipede, or one of those hairy insects whose hair prick the skin. i let out a couple of short screams, being a woman and all, and then quickly put my shawl over the black shadow, first trying to move it away from cyra’s arm, and then scooped the shawl up making sure that whatever it was, got contained within. i went and switched the light on. i did feel something, but i don’t think that it was fear, more of exhiliration. for a split second i thought of waking up the maid and ask her to do the needful. the wrapped up shawl was still lying on the bed very near cyra. i just went towards it, picked it up and walked towards the balcony. i kept it on the diwan, opened the balcony door and just threw the shawl out on the balcony floor and quickly slid the doors shut. i just stood there for a couple of seconds, then curiosity took over. i opened the door slightly and jerked the shawl open. and that black shadow plopped out. and oh-my-God!! it was a bat. just to make sure i ran and got my torch and flashed light on it. it ran helter-skelter, under my shawl, over it. wow! i had never seen a bat so upclose, except on TV. it had a good 4-5 maybe even 6 feet wing span. i swear i am not exaggerating. it did try and scratch the closed glass doors. that scared me. it was just jumping around, i guess trying to fly but couldn’t for some reason. but then the poor thing took a downward tangential dive out of the balcony. poor thing! there seemed to be something wrong with it. i hope i hadn’t crushed anything when carrying it in my shawl. but i carried it with firm hands, and not a strong grip.

i went and checked cyra all over. she was ok. and then i hugged her. although i rarely need a reason to hug her. and then i hugged her again, and then again. she moved, opened her eyes a bit, squinting in the light, and then she smiled at me and hugged me back and said, “Good morning mama”. my sweetiepie. :)

i couldn’t sleep after that for a long time. i went and sat on the ’seat’ with Osho’s biography, reading about what a great 4-5 year old he was.

2 work places i have been happiest at are; NIIT, and EdgeOn. Both in Delhi. Now that I look back, irrespective of the work, it was the people that made all the difference. not only the people within my team, rather especially the people within my team, but also the people in other teams, other departments. everyone was nice. at least when i was there. NIIT was one of my first “proper” jobs. also my first job as what i do now, what i have hardened into. an intructional designer. whatever it means to whoever. i have reached that stage where i really don’t care. i should though. i have a baby to bring up. at that time, pure creative writing still had something to do with ID work. NIIT was one of the first places in India to have started elearning work; as far as i know. so almost everyone was excited enthusiastic, brimming with ideas and ways to invest any free time between projects. people worried less about heirachical ranks, and reporting to just anyone was good enough. hell, we wouldn’t have objected reporting to the tea-boy … you get the general drift (but we had a tea/coffee machine … or that too :)). i used to love spendig time in office. staying till late, reaching early, hating sundays. share pizzas with friends, team mates. go out of the city on weekends. hmmm … life was good.

the equation had changed drastically when i was with EdgeOn. I had Cyra by now, and used to hurry for home dot 6. but still, we had a ball 9-6 in office. all 15 of us. although we were all so different, but we all had the maturity to put everything aside and enjoy each other’s company for the time that we were thrown together. wow! now that i look back, we were all comfortable with each other and mostly with ourselves. we were all at peace with whatever was it we had, or didn’t. we were all … grown ups. wow!! what made a huge difference was the weekend get-togethers we started having at this guy’s place who had a pretty decent condo very near office, well-stocked with alcohol, esp tequila. he didn’t mind volunteering it all, he had a friend or someone who used to get it dirt cheap from somewhere. wow!! those were the days. :) EdgeOn deosn’t exist anymore, but the memories do. and they are beautiful.

and then came hurix. work??? nah!!! piti. :) wow!! and S, at home. i wouldn’t say that my time with Hurix … but my time in life when I was with Hurix has been the best till now. i have never enjoyed life the way i did in the last 1.7 years … uhhh … except when i was in bangalore … uhhh … and also in kuala lumpur. :) but this was the longest time ever. i had a ball of a time. thank you God! thanks piti, s. love you guys. :)

fluctuations. life is … fluctuating. like my feelings, my emotions. i love, i hate, i get angry, i sooth, i caress, i shout. my heart is flying. telling me, assuring me, everything is possible. but i always knew that. there are times, maybe just a couple of hours on any sad day, that you feel that. that everything is possible. that your star is shining, beckoning, heralding good times, a polished fate. i feel that now. although i know that by the afternoon, i will forget what i felt in the morning.

cyra’s 15 day diwali break starts today. so in the morning, as expected, she wailed and shouted, and pulled my bra off, and tried to pull my jeans down, in an effort to stop me leave for work. she even tried to tell me “aaj office mein chhutti hai, hai na na”. my sweetiepie. but she was ok eventually. by the time i left, she was jumping around throwing kisses in the air, shouting bye mama. :)

was just listening to that song. something stupid, by robbie williams and nicole kidman. … and thinking of dino. *sigh* wow!! i still think about him. :)

the day started with so many things on my mind. and then, every ten minutes, the brain got washed with a new breeze bringing with it new thoughts, mostly redundant, clouding what was initially there, more significant. the viral is still there. it was pretty bad last night. by 8pm i couldn’t even sit straight, and eventually i hit bed among loud protestations and voilent blows from the small, soft, cute marxist leader, who is always shouting and protesting one thing or another. but i held my ground. cos this was way too much. how in the name of the holy mother of all children could i be expected to make myself sit in front of the tv when my entire being was burning up, so much that even my much stuffed nostrils went dry. so i just said a flat no. the protestations gradually lost power and soon the pointlessness was paid attention to. the night was uncomfortable. i remember tossing and turning, all sweaty. but i had taken paracetamol, so the temperature was OK by the morning.

i literally had to force myself to get up and start for work. every pore in my skin, till now, is screaming rest. i am hoping to get lots of it this weekend, especially as it is followed by 3 days off for diwali, yippee!! :) i feel kinda bad now. i should’ve reserved tickets for delhi earlier on. and now there’s no way i can get one, on train or the plane. i’ve been kinda missing delhi of late. maybe i’ll go in jan-feb.

Last evening I had gone down to where TP was playing with her mates. Then I noticed this small group of little people gathering in a corner with TP in the center. Apparently some even smaller kid had decided to take up a fight with TP. And then this gurl, a tad bit older than TP ran towards the center of the group shouting, “cyra ko mat maro, cyra ko mat maroâ€?. I was truly touched … till I heard her next sentence. “wo tum sabko maregiâ€?. i noticed she loved kids running after her. she’ll hit someone and then dash, looking back to make sure that she is being chased, with this big grin on her face.

there was a parents teacher meeting today in cyra’s school. i was so disappointed. for one, one of the teachers does not give me good vibes. i mean right in front of me they talked so much about the other kids with their parents, what they do, how they do, the way they talk and play. but when it was my turn, she just handed me an activity log and, smiled a lot, and asked me to start talking in english with cyra. i even asked if there was anything else. she said no.

maybe cyra is a good baby. there isn’t much to say. but still, i left that place unsatisfied, and a tad disappointed. you see, i am a proud hindi speaker. i love to converse in hindi. when people try and baby talk with her in a much practised english, which especially out of their mouths so obviously sounds like a foreign language, i feel really good telling them that cyra doesn’t understand english, so could they please talk to her in hindi. and there have been times i have received strange looks.

but yes. i will start talking with her in english also. after all she must be well averse with all form of expressions. especially the ones that are more common than the … common. its our fault. hindi was/is never promoted as a good, cultured form of expression. oh! i would loooooooove to create a course in hindi. wow! that’ll be something. insha-allah!!!

on a happier note: it was my first parent - teacher meet. yippee!! :)

i am living, walking, talking, doing stuff, everything here in pune. but in my mind i feel a numbness, and beyond that numbness i can lightly feel the soft warmth of a winter sun; a winter sun of my home. sarita vihar? maybe a bit of mumbai. the walks of galleria and hiranandani roads. powai. i feel a weird sadness. that maybe i should’ve stuck to my decison. put my foot down. stayed on, there in powai. cos that had become home. was home. i had a home. *sigh* or maybe its just my fever speaking. i’ve been having a slight temperature and a really bad cold since yesterday. but a new fear is cropping up. although i love living here. what if someday i go to mumbai and i just don’t want to come back. ah!

actually, i think i am just missing delhi … the old times. when i used to sit with mommy in the sun, in the verandah in front of our house. it always had a very tranquil effect on me, sitting like that, among the green small trees surrounding us, the sunlight getting sieved through the leaves. one of the last such lazy afternoons that i’d spent like that was when i was pregnant. i remember me and mom on a folding cot, enjoying the winter sun. i was lying down, and mom was busy doing something, knitting or some such thing, looking lovingly at my then still slight bulge. :) right now, i just wanna go, stand by the black iron gate, and ring the bell … *sigh*

long, long, long, long back. i had gone far away on a project. veer and i used to write lengthy mails to each other. since childhood, veer was my only confidante, “accomplice”, as mom used to put it. in one of those lengthy mails, he wrote, “dolly, last evening i was listening to the song, ‘phulon ka taaron ka, sabka kehna hai. ek hazaron mein meri behna hai.’” i obviously giggled, and then i read the next line. “don’t smile, i had tears in my eyes”. tears started gushing out of my eyes, voluntarily. i grabbed a tissue and tried to cork the flow, to no avail. so i just let it go, the damn broke, my face got flooded, issuing large scale destruction. even today, when i think about it, i feel a small ball in my throat, trying to come up.

i saw this damn, damn cute pair of guys in mcD’s abhi. that cute, they have to be gay. :) … and then they told me at the counter they didn’t have ice-cream. *sigh* and this was not the first time. and then i think if that kinda thing can happen only in India. such extreme incompetency. not stock ice-cream, when its part of their menu, and esp when its not like a restaurant menu. they specialize … in a specific menu. hmfgh!! standing there in the row i had a strong urge to get cyra there. in an effort to keep her away from junk food, i have never (almost) taken to these hugely popular food chains like McD’s and pizza hut etc. i know kids love these places. i think i’ll get her tonight. and order one of those happy meals … get a toy and stuff. :) i am not such a great fan of ice-cream. but i absolutely love soft cones. vanilla, with strong streaks of strawberry ice-cream. yum yum!!

i was thinking about getting some plants for the house this saturday. but most probably i will be taking this trip to a place called kas. hills and all. its an office thingie. and i thought that it’ll be nice for cyra and me to experience the hills and the beauty together. am looking forward to it.

this is exactly how i’d felt some months back, in mumbai. this strong urge to buy that place i was living in then. God! i had even composed a poem, an ode to powai. i had never thought in a million years that i’ll ever leave that place. wow!! how things change. it seems like ages now. feels like i have living here forever.

i can feel my heart gush with this, this feeling, this strange soothing feeling, like a fountain. it feels like God is looking down at me and smiling, caressig my cheeks, loving me. wow!! this beautiful flow of this sweet, strong evergy. so powerful, yet so soft, so cool, and so loving and caring.

i felt it in the morning again. this small wish. i wish i could buy that place i am living in right now. i know it might not be a great decision, cos it won’t be this tranquil for long. the construction of a new apartment complex, right across, has already started. but its a nice place overall. the place i am staying at. so green, and spacious; they even have a vermiculture plant. there’s a plant nursery in front of the balcony, across a kachha road. but that’ll too go soon, as its part of the land the new apartment complex is coming up on. but its the space within our complex that i love. and the way they have maintained it. the other day, me and s were just walking around inside the complex walls and we came upon this ancient water well. it was wow!! one of the most amazing things i had seen in a long, long time. they’ve covered the top of the well with a wire mesh. and from that wire mesh hang so many of those nests … i can’t recall the name of the birds that make those nests. the nests that are made of yellow dry grass and have a round globule with a neck hanging from a branch or something. i would upload the picture, but i can’t find how to. the stone walls of the well were bursting with green, wild plants, all sorts of plants. and then we saw a medium sized tortoise which just plunged into the dark green-black depths of the water and disappeared. maybe it felt our presence. it was an amazing experience, and right where we live. wow!! and , and , and, i saw a koyal … for the first time in my life. it was perched on a thin stem leaning over on the top of the wire mesh that made the roof of the well. so black and bright , and red eyes. it was beautiful. wow!!

jaaney kya pa kay meri zindagi ney
hans kar kaha
aha haha!!

:-)

her blog doesn’t let me add comments. so preeti, here goes:

scientifically put. a muse is a state of mind, a phase when one’s “juices” flow freely. that free flow process can be ascribed to a motivational factor, an inspiration, or just plain mood. some people make perfect with practice, in their imaginative minds falling more and more into the abyss of their soothing thoughts thus believing that their muse is with them, together living in a satisfactory harmony. ~puneri :)

today i asked someone something. i knew deep within that what they told me was not entirely true. i mean, it was obvious. the way that person had behaved, had been behaving, their history … like commone. its only logical … what i knew to be the true truth.

i believe that’s how God knows everything. logic! S/he just knows. like i just knew. its that simple. s/he doesn’t have like a magical knowledge or something. not all-knowing, but all-understanding. wow! s/he understands THE logic … of all things.

cos i wonder where you are
and i wonder what you do
are you somewhere feeling happy
or is Happy feeling you.

:-)

.. seriously speaking. this is a very favorite song of mine.
i’d so devotedly sung it for dino m, so many eons back, truly understanding and feeling every word of it. :) m such a li’l girl sometimes.

actually. i feel what i have lost is patience. things/people piss me off more frequently now. and i feel an urge to be more aggressive then necessary in providing feedback. i feel that its very appropriate to use terms like you asshole, you idiot, you birdbrain … as that is te true reflection of the person. i realize i am being mean.

today in the morning i felt that truly blessed are those who have money. rich people … as opposed to my earlier belief that the truly loved ones are the truly blessed. the rich have the most precious thing in this world … time! the regular jane and joe spend most of their productive lives working towards making money, indirectly working towards making and maintaining a “good” life. uh … huh … i correct myself … the truly blessed are the ones that have abundant time, and hence they are truly rich. :) but mostly its people who have loads of money, who can afford to have so much spare time … enough to stop and look around, listen to the silence of the universe, smell the damp, sweet, cooling smell of the Earth and the leaves.

i was feeling weird in the morning. i woke up early … around 5:30 am. and then i started having these strange, scary thoughts. that what if i don’t wanna work anymore. (i am sitting in office and perfectly fine.) i’ll have no money and nowhere to go. what’ll happen of cyra then. that thought really scares me. and then i had a strong urge to get married. … for money. i felt such security in that thought. *sigh* and then i went for a walk. it was beautiful. and now i feel better.

yes. its official now. i have lost my muse. will i never find it again? what if muse is like virginity. ah! my muse … if only i’d realised earlier. i miss you. because in you i found my expression, a way to breath. a healthy deep breath which took life and freedom right to the deepest corners of my ribs, and my soul. they stand empty now, the insides black with soot, the dark, slimy, black-green of decay.

i get coffee and forget about it. and suddenly after about 10 years i see this cold cup lying on my work-station … oh shoot! i wanted that coffee. i don’t wanna get up and go all the way back to the coffee machine again. my tummy hurts. something really weird about menstrual cramps. they start only when you realize your period has started, irrespective of when they start. you’re going about your business like any other day, nothing out of the ordinary, as a matter of fact, feeling a bit extra energetic. you will feel a slight wetness. its normal, it happens, you have been feeling pretty extra horny of late. you’ve been looking at every walking-talking specimen like its chocolate mousse, and you wanna lick every last bit of it. God! please show me the light. and then the wetness is not a slight wetness anymore. its turned into a major squilsh. hold on whatsa date? shit!! there you go. you run to the loo, back again for your bag, back and forth, back and forth. oh no, holy cow no. of all the days, today of all the days, there is no tampon. you carry one religiously all the time, and its not there today. murphy? i’m gonna kill you. you gather resources, do the needful, come back to the uncomfortably built armchair, and it starts. the stupid cramp. where were you o stupid cramp when your process was drenching my bum with the mucusy slime?

what has the world come to. what has india come to. what happened, what transition when we moved from sweet, ol’ nauroji nagar to sarita vihar. suddenly, all sweetness in people, all honesty in people was lost.

when we moved to sarita vihar, we were aghast to see that one needed to dish out so much cash just to get things done that should have been in place the first time. like the street sweepers. they are commissioned by the government to clean the streets around the houses. but they rarely do a good job of it. they’d just give a supeficial sweep all over the place with their big straw brooms. when we noticed that some places were cleaner and inquired, we learned that people paid those already paid by the government sweepers extra money to keep the area around their house clean.

the postman doesn’t even deliver our mail, cos my brother refused to pay him anything. he just comes and throws it by the redundant, rusted, rotten mailboxes, a little away from our house. nobody uses those mailboxes anymore. people who pay that postman regularly get their mails delivered to the house. but we don’t bother much cos we hardly get any mail like that. we mostly communicate with each other via emails, or if i need to send something i courier it.

well, how i started thinking about all that when i moved to pune some days back. the place where i have rented a place is in a bit of a “posh” area, which i came to know about later. and these people, the cleaners, laundry, sweepers and all just think that you have marbels in place of a brain. the bai, who normally charges about rs 500 for mopping the floor, doing the laundry and dishes asked for rs 1000. i just grinned and shut the door. she rang the bell again, and said achhaa 500 hee de do. (ok, give me 500 then.) thankfully, the new nanny that has come for tp, agreed to do the housework, so i said no to her after witnessing her lousy job for two days.

another story: i just noticed yoonhi aatey jaatey that the cream content of our milk is not what it should be. that made me notice the taste of the milk. and yes. it was definitely diluted. i take milk from this guy has his own cows, buffaloes, or whatever and sells the milk. i stopped taking milk from him and started getting the packed milk pouch. he came to see me yesterday and started saying sorry and all, that there was something wrong with God only knows what and so the quality of the milk was kinda compromised. although i had cemented my mind up that i will not take milk from him anymore … i weakened. on promises of loads of cream in the future, i said yes to him. i feel bad now.

tp was crying in the morning today. generally throwing a mild tantrum, not getting ready for school, insisting on not wearing her shoes, or making her hair. i got up reluctantly. hadn’t slept very well last night, so the sleep held on to my lids tightly. obviously, my strong will worked, :) and by the time i reached my raving, ranting, soft, little kitten, my eyes were open, although drowsy. i collected the soft warmth in my arms. she purred and nestled in my lap. it was 8. her school bus comes at 8:30. she wouldn’t let anyone touch her hair, and wouldn’t even look in the general direction of breakfast. i tried to reason, scolded softly, threatned. nothing. and then i suggested the songs of bunty aur bubbly. her stiff stubborness softened a bit. i went and put the B&B cassette in the player. the rest is sweet, routine history. the hair were done, the shoes on the little feet, breakfast had, all to the hit tunes of bunty aur bubbly.

they should’ve sent bunty aur bubbly for the oscars. which movie has ever shown the life in a contemporary small town of India. any regular/average north indian can relate to bunty aur bubbly, as far as their family, community goes … not exactly life style though. its a well made movie, fun, entertaining, with a great music score. and most of all, it was a hit. people loved it. it was made for the reason movies are made for, and not because someone wanted to bring to life the “artiste” in them. ah! :)