On June 6th,I resigned from my current job, saying that I am Ok with the 1 month notice period which I will duly serve. I got a curt mail from our division head that they can release me by the 20th. I said OK. And then I was told that the deadline of the project I was on has extended (I knew that, as I am developing it), and that I’d need to stay till the 30th. So, I got this formal letter and all saying, “Jagdeep, you will be released on the 30th”. Cool!! So on 30th I expect all my final settlements to happen, my salary and other settlements in my bank by EOD (end of day). The project has still not ended. And I am nice, and professional enough to offer my services after my last day with company. Today, when I go and ask about my check (I have payments to make by the 2nd-3rd) from the HR, I am sweetly told, you see Jaggu, the project’s not finished, and anyway you’d resigned on the 6th of the last month, so we extend your stay with us till the 6th of this month”. And my check? “Well, you’ll get that with the full and final settlement on the 6th”. Hmmm … and maybe you have forgotten that it was you who’d affirmed my last day to be the 30th? A quizzical, lost look is all I get.

like a sun-flower
he opens his eyes and looks
like he’s taking in
all the sun’s shine
and drinking it in gulps
to light those brilliant eyes

his soft touches,
that you feel everywhere
and yet can’t feel the touch
so soft, just a presence
a cosy reminder of a fragrance
that had lingered for a while
in my palms, in my mind

the only physical attribute
i remember, those sweet lips
more sweet than soft
though both -nesses defy logic
touching them
that sweet aroma, will vanish in air

and so o sweet flower
i think i’ll let you be
in the bosom of Earth, your home
you’re happy in nature’s lap
drink more sunshine and shine
i’ll sit in the warmth of your glow

come to think of it, i feel that if i get off my high horse for just a minute, i will be able to fathom the depth of the darkness i am surrounded in. its like, i am standing in the middle of dali’s most surrealistic composition … at the very edge of a high, very high, small, spacially challenged cliff, rising out of a deep, deep abyss, the bowels of it nowhere in sight. there’s no ground in front, and nothing behind. its all dark. and somewhere in this darkness, there’s a very slim bridge connecting to somewhere, that i ought to take. its so dark, all i see is black, i might as well not have eyes. i have to just feel and take tiny steps in the right direction … or else. *sigh*

if only there was a ‘guide to life’, or a ‘living well for dummies’. i’d give my life for it. is that what you call a catch 22 situation?? i did start reading the book. i had to force myself to somehow reach the end of the first chapter, and then i just couldn’t go on. i gave up. so i have never really understood what catch 22 truly is. niether have i asked anyone. everyone thinks everyone knows, its such a common phrase. i do know the gist of it. but i wish i knew the entire story. and i’ve forgotten who’s it by.

recently i lit our gas stove for the first time in more than a year, to make tea. s clapped. dunno why, but like i was explaining it to s, i just don’t feel like being in the kitchen since i’ve come to mumbai. i used to love to cook. and i wouldn’t say that i cooked great, but the food i cooked has had admireres. i think i’ll start doing it again. i felt it. dats why i made the tea. wasn’t how i like it, but i guess it was the milk that made it taste just not how i like it.

i look at myself in the mirror
i don’t quite like what i see
the remnants of an era gone by
refusing to clear the slate

jahan hari se reheti hai bhari
har ik muskan
jahan rakhtey hee kadam
jaag jaati hai jaan
jahan hotey hein khatam
apney sarey safar
powai ke paharon mein hai apna ghar

jahan behta hai paani
khula khul khula kham
jahan girti hein boonde
gaati hain chham chham
jahan vaadi mein aakey
goom ho jatey hein durr
powai ke paharon mein hai apna ghar

jahan trrr trrr key mendak
raat gana hein sunatey
kabutaron ke pankh
jahan hein pharfaratey
jahan mitti ki khushboo
aati hai hardam
powai ke paharon mein hai apna ghar

yahin par hai jina
yahin marna mujhko
ye hariyala aanchal
yaheen jhharna mujhko
na dena awaj
na kabhi bulana
powai ke paharon mein
ye apna thikana

god created eve
as s/he soon realized
the gross errors committed
when man was adamized

s/he corrected all bugs
all the initial chaotic mess
this time the brain worked
this one won’t blame stress

eve opened her lovely eyes
looked at adam, and said yick
god soothingly said
don’t worry my child..
..just call him dick

i know, i know, its extremely sexist of me to say something like this. but i got truly disgusted by something equally sexist on a networking site i visit. it was in retaliation to that. though i do agree that this is not the way to make people understand the importance of being sensitive and respectful to other people’s feelings and sentiments. of late i’ve been having a helluva arguments about this exact topic. not so much sexist issues, but more of the racial types. especially when people share racist jokes (that many-a-time turn to be outright mean) without giving consideration to the fact that people of the same race are present amongst them. not that they should share such jokes even in their absence.

have been so heatedly arguing on this that i am feeling empty now. some other time.

i have been feeling good of late. i have no idea why though. i should be feeling bad, sad, horrified, scared. i have quit my job and haven’t yet secured any other means of income. i should truly be scared. but weirdly enough i am not. i have been rather happy of late. maybe because of the rains. i love the rains. but does that mean that i am so damn immature, and small in the brain that something as big and real as no income is completely getting dulled by a completely superficial joy of enjoying purely physical sensations of the rains. hmmm….. i should definitely call some people today about work.

its raining … again. how time flies. or rather how quickly we’re getting old .. losing time, each moment/hour/week passes us by, and all i did was maybe blink an eye. *sigh* and to make matters worse, i went and lost my muse. i feel so empty without it. my mind as if has shut down, forgotten all words, all expession. its as always, i tend to lose almost everything i feel proud about. its as if, God is watching … mischievously, and everytime i give out that arrogant smile telling the world, ”i have this”, s/he goes, zap!! “.. now you don’t.”

i am developing a new interest though. i mean not an interest as such as i haven’t even touched it yet, but i hear it calling. pottery. i am actively (not aggressively though) looking for a potter’s wheel. no chance yet. maybe i’ll ask our local electrician guy to make one for me. after all, all i need is a motor with a flat board fixed over it. someone suggested to use the body of a fan, but i don’t think its such a good idea.

the regular rain drama has started. no autos, traffic jams. but i love it. stuck in a jam, feeling the cool, moist air hit my face. putting off hitting “office” just for another 10 minutes. there aren’t enough words to say just how much i love the rains. my heart is always gushing with smiles each time the sky is grey and heavy with the cool heavenly waters. the only time i think that i don’t look sick and sad .. at least i don’t feel it, if i can’t comment on looks.

i quit my job today. after long, very agonizing 6-8 months, i finally took the plunge. i just couldn’t overcome the feeling that life was just passing me by in the 9-5 … rut? .. well whatever. 9-5 which mostly is 9-9, or even 9-11.

i have now joined a fast growing breed of people, happy, at peace with themselves (this is not to say that people with regular jobs are not at peace), who work ‘from home’, are more in control of their time, and enjoy qualty time with themselves and their family/friends.

around the world, the de-centralized office is coming into shape, or rather its shapelessness is making sense to people. and why not. if not reap benefits of the beautiful internet technology now, then when? i am accessible and available online 24X7. i have a machine at home. the work i do in office everyday, i can very well do at home, and i don’t mind getting paid per unit of my work. i do understand that in many businesses its impossible to get things goings without the entire team’s physical presence, but it’ll be so much more beneficial for everybody if people can stay home till the next project need, and come to office only if/when really, really necessary.

one can do so much for oneself, if one doesn’t need to waste time travelling, just sitting around waiting for work, senseless meetings at the end of which nothing gets decided.

wow!! i know i should be really really scared, cos i have no savings, and a 3 year old baby. but i am not .. somehow. i feel happy … light!!

i plan to buy a potter’s wheel and enjoy shaping wet, lose earth.

i feel better today. have taken a weight off my weak and weary shoulders .. although uncertain, i feel good. nice and light.

i finished anna karenina last night, by leo tolstoy, i think he was a count. cool!! i had started reading this book last february. since then i have read:

- dan brown’s angels and demons
- the alchemist by paulo coelho
- white mughals by william dalrymple
- half of in xanadu by the same author … i can’t find the book
- almost half of satanic verses by salman rushdie (i stopped reading it as i’d resolved to finish anna karenina first .. i’ll pick it up now .. slowly, as i have also started one up on wall street by peter lynch. its more of an educational endeavor)
- i feel i am forgetting something

the latest book i bought was immortality by milan kundera. only heaven knows when i’ll start it. my immediate concerns are one up on wall street and satanic verses. satanic verses is really enjoyable. salman rushdie has always been a fun-read.

my all time favorite book: One hundred years of solitude, by gabriel garcia márquez. veer, i got the á from your site .. heeheehee!!!

my most memorable book: the bondswoman .. i don’t remember the author. had read it when in school. my first elder people’s book, full of hot steamy scenes. was very well written i remember.

one book i never completed was sherlock holmes volume II i guess, or maybe IV. I was pregnant, and used to read it every night. then i had my baby cyra, had to change residence, left the book in the earlier one and never picked it up. cyra was named at 2yrs of age. even today i am not sure of the name. she still doesn’t have a second name. i am looking for something to do with beauty, softness, and feminity. cyra viola. cyra naomi … or my mother’s maiden name, cyra karir. i dunno. i’ll pray for it to come to me. why do we even need a second name. for passports, and all other official papers i know.

i never counted the books i ‘own’. i have never been a good ‘owner’. most of the things that i ‘own(ed)’ have been left to themselves. as a matter of fact that’s how i grew up … hmmm … interesting!!

but i do plan to start a collection. i’ll go back to delhi and see whatever i can extricate from veer. :O) get a nice wooden bookcase made and all … or maybe even buy one 2nd hand. i love those old time, heavy wooden cases and cup-boards.