I am nothing

nobody
is proud of me

nobody
is thinking of me

nobody
cares about me

nobody
misses me

nobody
wants to talk to me

nobody
wants to be with me

in this world of fakeness and illusion,
there’s nobody that is mine

no love of my life, no soulmate,
at times i wonder if there’s even a soul there

a void, an emptyness, just i, me, myself
a redundant existence, a joyless survival

a stagnating body, that is talking and toiling
for a semblence of a life, to make-believe “growth”.

i loved somebody, and then i didn’t
nothing happened, nothing died. i used to eat, i am still eating.

i’m a survivor, they sing it out loud
i am surviving, no effort, no fight
i am surviving, breathing and looking
i am surviving, there’s still air in the lungs

and so it goes on
this story of my life
i, me, myself
we talk, we make merry,
and tell each other we are happy
we are. aren’t we?

i wanna get this: http://www.toyota.com/tacoma/

and get out. :) someone please give me USD 20,000. cyra would just love it. *sigh*

this life is like a video game.
you huff and puff and successfully complete one level.
and the next one starts with added difficulties.

i miss my mommy. :( last night when i went out for a walk and i sarted ‘power’ walking, i missed her so much. my mommy is the bestest power walker in the whole wide world … even i could never keep up with her. and she used to do the entire one hour in one go, without stopping or even slowing down. there’s an L-shaped park in sarita vihar, delhi. every evening it gets packed with people, kids, dogs, enjoying walks, company, friends, just playing in the soft grass. at times i used to take cyra there. mosquitos were abundant, so i used to try and not take her along. but it used to be fun, huffin and puffin, shoulder-to-shoulder with mum, talking about … things. i love to hear her tell stories about her village, where she grew up. that little haven of pure ’sukh’, contentment (i can see it in her eyes whenever she talks about that place), without electricity. where women used to wake up in the wee, wee hours of the morning and gage time by seeing the stars, and then rush to the fields for toilet purposes, before the men folk woke up. wow!! i wonder about that life. something tells me that i would’ve content in that time. looking after my home, and my kids. waking up early morning, livig in-arms with nature, bathing in the open, smelling the fusion of the first drops of rain and the fresh mud. *sigh* it’d sound weird now, but i remember that i’d wanted to get maried soon after Xth standard, preferably to a land owner, somewhere in the deep punjab. i am pretty glad now that i didn’t. even now, i can’t help smiling when at times i catch my mind trying to create just a glimpse of me with a tall punjabi good looking munda. *blush**blush*

you know waisey, if destiny had presented a chance of an arranged marriage, and if the potential groom was all i wanted in a guy, i think i would’ve gone ahead. i have that in me. that little dream to have a home. mera ghar, merey bachey. please note that i loooove my life as it is now. i think this is the happiest ever (i was ‘happier’ 10 years back, in a disillusioned way, but that was an immature, ignorant happiness). me and cyra. phool hee phool zindagi bahaar hai. :) till date *touchwood* i’ve never ever thought or even tried to think of a life without cyra. i know the way i was, most of my friends (of those times) feel that i must be feeling ‘tied down’, but i am not. ulta i am glad. if it wasn’t for cyra, i would never have realized … true love. i love you my baby. and its truly amazing the way at times she just cradles my head in her little lap, and strokes my hair and my head with her little soft hands. she’s some sight … anytime you see her.

so yesterday, i made a cry face and screamed softly, i miss my mommy. she made a mock cry face too, came towards me with her arms lifted and hugged me. mommy i wish you were there. Blasphemy: i wish my mom wasn’t married, so she wouldn’t need to live with her husband, and she’d just come over and live with me. God! please, please, please, don’t ever let dad read this. dad, you know i love you.

i am the sun, i am light
i am burning, i am blazing
high in the sky
i sit on my shiny throne
i am life, i am energy
come bask in my glory

the whole universe is in me
i am the whole universe
kabhi i am on saturn
aur kabhi the andromeda

these organs of mine
my hearts and my livers
are tying me down,
i am bound, i am gagged
these strings around my wrists,
are stopping my flight

i want to break free
and shoot myself in the sky
high up in space
cos space is wats my heart
and space is what i want

i want to twirl and swirl
lash out my fire
do a tandav on the skies
maybe sky-dive into the ganga
i wanna settle on mt everest
rest there for a while
maybe jump on to the moon then
or beyond into the nothing

i am the sun and i am a beaming
fuse me, diffuse me
i am the biggest and the brightest
the star of all times.

http://autofeed.msn.co.in/pandorav3/output/News/1b0c2570-95b1-4a8e-a234-aaf16ebed0c4.aspx

just read this news that a girl of 8 in a village in dhanbad was married to a dog … to rid the village of a bad omen. the girl’s father says that she was growing “dog teeth” on her upper jaw, which he saw as a bad omen promising troubled times for his family and even the entire village. the marriage was done just like a marriage is done, all with cash dowry and gifts and all.

hey bhagwan! ab bas!!

i wish i could go get that little girl home … that poor dog too …

de brain is devoid of all depth as of now. hence no regular updates. the thoughts ocean has been drained, the water maybe evaported to moisten the entire dry atmosphere of a planet bigger than jupiter. had started work on a cartoon strip. after just four “episodes” the entire JD bottle of my head was already empty of all its contents. somewhat disappointed in myself. am just sitting here now. wasting precious time of my life. getting older by the second, nearing death each passing moment. and still the body does not listen. i say get up and do something. it says nah, let me just laze around. its a 2-day weekend, it wants to just lie down and sleep and waste the entire 48 hours. i could have achieved so much in these 48 hours. if i had been fore sighted enough to keep some paint and a canvas in the house, i could’ve finished a painting. there’s still some hope left. its only saturday evening. i still have the entire night and all day tomorow. maybe i will finish some of that book i have been reading now for so many months. or maybe i will sit and force my greycells to suirm and squeeze a poem out. like the way sausages are made. its been A-G-E-S i’ve had a good sausage. i mean the original ones. those german sausages. hmmm…. i will get back soon.

i need to take control … of my fears … my short comings. there’re so many. at times i feel that just because i don’t know where to start, i will not be able to. simple things like communicating. i don’t know what complexes, what weird feelings hold me back … from being myself … being in my true element. more often than not i find myself hiding, not coming out, even when i should have so much. i try to make myself conscious now, of myself. every now and then i wake up, look at myself and try and take heed. and then i try and tell myself what might be going wrong, and think what an in-control me would do at that moment and try and do that. i wouldn’t say that i have been very successful. most of the times when i need to be in-control are situations that demand spontaniety. when i just can’t stop, look-up, think, sooth myself and then act and/or react. i loose track. my tongue stops listening to me and blabber out things that i bang-my-head-in-the wall for later. i so hate that about myself. i just wanna kill myself at such times. and then i feel that i have altered my life into a stupider state of being by doing what i did. there are no words for how completely stupid and pathetic i feel then. how “un-cool”, so not-with-the-flow.

i pray to god that i may never loose my “flow”. that i am always cool (as in shaant) and grounded, like the peaceful vast waters of the pacific. o dear god, please grant me this one wish and i will always be a good person. i will not hurt anyone, and spread your good word. :)

today was the day that if i had a gun, i would have blown my head off. my deepest innards were screaming for that loud, loud, loud bang, which would have brought complete silence. i wanted that silence so bad. just lie down flat on the ground, surrendering to gravity, each muscle motionless.

kal hee shayad mainey ye mehsoos kiya thaa,
kee ye dil kuchh aur bhi mehsoos karta hai
kal kee hee to baat lagti hai wo
iss dil ko mainey buri tarah se use kiya thaa.

ye soch ke kee iss vastness mein sab sama jayega,
kholey they mainey dil ke taaley.
aur in emotions ko, oon sentiments ko peruse kiya thaa.

kal jo ab chala gaya.
wo kal fir nahi ayega.
wo sunder kal, wo pyara kal,
jab mainey khud ko ek doormat mein reduce kiya thaa.

but then i really liked it, enjoyed it.
lying down and being walked all over.
wo tumharey paanv jo crush kar ke nikal jaatey they.
itna pyar un talwon se deduce kiya thaa.

ab bhi ik dawab sa feel hota hai.
dil mein, jigar mein, iss soul mein.
soch ke uss kal ke baarey mein,
jab tumhari obsession ne mujhey obtuse kiya thaa.

fir kabhi nahi tarpegi ye jaan meri ab,
fir kabhi nahi wo pyaas mujhey mehsoos hogi,
fir kabhi koi nahi bulayega mujhey halkey se,
kyunki mainey khud iss paani ko ankhon se introduce kiya thaa.

yes. i have asked this question a zillion times. what is this life!! but i have always been too arrogant to admit it. veer was/is the first person to say that to me … that i am arrogant. i never did believe him then … i still don’t at many levels. i consider myself to be a humble person. and you know, i am. but there are deep down, faint traces of a characteristic, that point towards an arrogant state of being. i so not wish to be that. i pray to god, to babaji, that i get over it .. get over myself, and become truly humble. help me god!

.. about that question. life! i ‘have’ asked myself many times, about its worthiness … this life’s. but i never really admit it. because, at some level in my subconscience, i think of myself as the one who has all the answers. ok S, piti, stop smiling. :) if i think that, i think that. wat can i do. u know how i like to let things be, even my thots … unless it is really imperative that they be changed. so i let them be. and so i never said it out loud. wat is this life. i just told myself … do you even care? i really don’t. if there is an after-life, great, maybe i’ll be born an heiress, own mansion, island, private beach and all .. and maybe then i will attain moksha. :) and if there isn’t an after-life .. well dats cool too .. good i am having as much … ummm … fun :) as i can get. i only got this one life right. :) then wat is it that’s been bothering me of late. why the hell am i so restless. must be this medication i am on. yes it is the medication. of late i sleep for about 4 hours and have a perfect day at office, and even have the energy to go out in the evenings. cyra has got this bad habit now to go out every evening and has started expecting it on a regular basis. yes. it is the medication. good though. i had started feeling old of late.

i really don’t care. about life!! its cool. i’m cool. :) as long as at the end of the day i have enough to keep my baby safe and happy … i think its just perfect.

why i started on this topic in the first place? well, its 1:30 in the night, and am so so so awake. and i haven’t posted anything of late. so i thought i’ll put this time to some good use. i have been so energetic that i don’t even feel like sitting and reading. i just wanna DO something. i so wish i could go out somewhere. but where. nowhere to go nothing to do with my time. i wish i had more friends here. more night friends. delhi was cool, cos veer’s a night bird too. and i used to just keep hangin around veer. plus there was so much to do in that house. if nothing else, i used to go out and look at the plants, at the road. dats one good thing about living on the ground floor. we’ve always lived no the ground floor. dats why i am well grounded. :) in bangalore i lived on a second floor though. it was not really a floor, but an accomodation unit constructed over the garage roof, with stairs from the side of the garage. but it was nice. very neat, and very quaint.

o S. i din tell you about the weekend. it was great. i partied thu, fri, sat, and slept all sun day and night. :) no wonder i am not sleepy now. but it was great. i am so over the mumbai club scene though. sucks big time. come back soon S, m missing chillin wid u. i have discovered a new side of me. i enjoy private parties more. like in delhi … it was so much fun just getting together at home and chillin. :) we’ll go to club ix. i’ve had the maximum fun there till now. bestest musique. :) hey u know S, i went to olive. sorry. broke my oath of going there wid u the first time. :) but u din miss much. wasn’t dat great … not food wise tho .. din try it. the people. o my god. it was like going to a shaadi party and not knowing anyone. i mean the crowd’s great, but there’s so much of it. u’re constantly bumping into people, literally, physically. i was bored like no one’s business. actually i’d gone with this little boy’s club. my fault entirely. we’ll go together once u r here. it’ll be great. :) and then we’ll sit and smoke cigarellos by the sea, in the moonlight, on carter road. till date i thank our stars that evening when we accidentally discovered carter road :). i’m trying to get used to smoking so that i can join you once u r back. i know how u hate smokin alone … rather i wish i cud give u company cos i know how u just love doing things together. :) m not doing great … the smoke makes me sick :/ but i am trying. :) i liked cigarellos better than cigarettes though. they even have chocolate flavor in those. cool haan .. :) i’ll try more of those this coming week. i really enjoyed them the last time i got to puff some. btw cyra was a hit. i’d taken her along sat nite. it was a private party (thankfully), and she danced till 2 … and everyone just wanted to hug her and kiss her. :) it was great fun.

S, sorry. am taking the liberty of sharing your thoughts. i know exactly what you mean …

kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahan nahin milta…

isn’t this such a sadly beautiful and profound song…

kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahan nahin milta…
kahin zameen to kahin aasmaan nahin milta..
tere jahan mein aisa nahin ke pyar na ho..
jahan ummeed ho uski, wahan nahin milta…

it is not just a song i like..
i think it is a song so profound and so true about life in general..

*sigh*

but that’s life.
we need to count our blessings, feel blessed, and live life as best as we can…

the song seems to say it all,
and probably applies to almost every human being in some way or the other..

it is one of those songs which are nicely sad, which one can listen to
on a rainy day sitting on the porch or balcony, sipping hot tea..
listening to the song..
staring into the horizon..
reflecting on life..
appreciating everything life brings with it - pain and joy…

some time back some were discussing
are we all islands
little water locked pieces of earth
no boats, no bridges,
just sighs travel through.
escape unnoticed from one island to another
and so sometimes suddenly the wind seems heavy
caressing the soul sometimes,
and sometimes lashing out a slap.

we’re all islands, many concluded.
then how is it i hear them and they hear me.
we’re all islands, they truly believe
but wat is it then, that’s making them reach out
to each other,
comforming their island state.

i’d thought i was an island,
and i told them so.
they all nodded in agreement,
some moved the heads in dismay.
and then i smiled.
looked on with love.
jumped from my island to theirs.
first one and then another.
we’re all islands you see.
but we can hop on.
you on mine.
me on yours.
wonderful isn’t it …

a gentle giant,
a soft wind,
a huge swaying tree, laden with fruit,
a mountain dotted with little villages,
an ocean pregnant with a zillion fish,
a sky spotted with far-off warm glows,

my lover, my child
i get lost in you.
you brace me, but i don’t suffocate.
you squeeze me in your mighty arms, without breaking a rib.
you sway me so fast off my feet, no headrush.
your scary bites don’t even leave a mark on my soft skin.

hold me. cos in your arms i find comfort.
my brother i can be naked with,
my sister, the resting place of my soul.
hold me. you are the one
the one without whom i am not dead
the one with whom i am alive

hmmm… of late i have been trying to think intellectually. well, i started with just plain thinking first … an intellectual bent is something i plan to introduce to my simple brain cells gradually … so as not to shock the living daylight out of the poor things. poor babies, they’ve spent the last 30 years residing in the penthouse of my body, living like millionairs. just eating, drinking, sleeping, hardly any work. like me, they’re used to moving their cellular asses only on need-basis … the need hardly ever arises, and neither do the asses. the state of affairs has become so bad that now even sex seems like such a drag. such redundant pushing and pulling and jumping on the bed. i’d rather go out early morning, watch our beautiful sun rise, inhale slowly and exhale forcefully, feeling the air getting out of my tummy as they say in the books.. hmmm … nice thought. speaking of sex, i recently met someone who’s been trying to sell the idea of sex (with him) to me big time. he insists that its very therapeutic and will greatly improve my complexion :). waisey my skin has actually been down in the dumps of late. my forehead looks like the himalayan range viewed via the satellite, wat wid all these weird little pimples i’ve been getting. i have started paying attention to the amount of water i drink and take care to avoid paranthas. its been 3 days now that i haven’t had any. discipline. i hope i’m at least in a presentable shape by the time S gets back from US.

i had a nice weekend. i found a high window on a beautiful cool night. so open and peaceful. thats almost everything i ever truly wanted in life. :)

the soft red lips are what stopped an emperor once.
at that time it was no big deal it seems.
but now they say maybe he was a bi, the emperor.
people wonder and gape and read that little poem,
over and over again.
about that young boy with soft red lips,
that made an emperor stop.

those soft red lips were what stopped me,
chaltey, chaltey.
the young boy surrounded with softness.
the young boy ever inquisitive.
extending a hand to pluck a new flower.
feel its petals, rub the dew
play with the pollen, drown in its fragrance
keep it in the book, with love,
and then forget about it.

my train of thoughts braked,
the chaos in the head settled down a bit.
my eyes opened round in wonder,
my mouth gaped, i wonder if i looked stupid.
if i was in an orchard and those lips were grapes.
i would’ve gone and plucked some.
pressed my lips on the ripe, round fruit,
felt the soft coolness in my mouth.
but i just sat there quiet.
i savoured with my eyes.
gulped mouthfuls of that fresh fruit scent.
let it rub on my skin,
touch my cheek a little, maybe rub my back.

if i was a little fairy.
i would’ve floated in that little heaven haven.
swam around that child face,
gone and sat on the soft shoulders,
whispered sweet, soft sounds in those ears.
that soft warm yellow glow
that space in a different world.
i just sat there and smiled.
my cheeks didn’t hurt at all.

*phew*….. now that took effort.
i should try more.
inspire me.

a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step

-anonymous

today, i am not able to make out, if i am happy or sad. today, i am not able to … make out. happy, sad, or anything. i haven’t been able to … make out for a long time now. sometimes i try, sometimes i don’t. sometimes the guy’s right and the moment’s not, sometimes the moment’s perfect, but the … *sigh*. wat i am happy about is that i am not sad anymore. like just sometime back, the way i was pining, yearning … squeezing … eiuuuuu!!!! … but i feel just fine now. rather, i don’t even feel the need.

essentially, the skin-to-skin thing for me is just an extension of mind-to-mind. i mean if i talk to a person, and if its the right kinda talk, then i’ve had half the orgasm already .. if you know what i mean. and then if we are able to … do it, wow, there’s no telling to what peaks can be reached …. wat mt everests can be crossed, wat vesuvius’ can be out-volcanoed, wat ganges can be out-flooded, wat grand canyons can be dug … ok .. dats it. hmmm…. but dats not happening. dats never going to happen. and dats wat makes me happy … dat it doesn’t make me sad. *sigh*

i’m bored, disillusioned with life, so completely in that state where i don wanna speak with anyone, or do anything. i wish mom was here, so that she could babysit cyra and i cud go somewhere … for a while.

if i could express my thoughts with images, or pictures, rather than words, this site would be so, so, so, colorful, deep, surreal. if only i could. i did take up painting once, and i wasn’t bad really, not bad at all … then just as usual, i just gave it up … like i gave up everything else nice in life, in me. i have been thinking about taking it up again. but my heart’s not been able to tune itself into it, into actually taking a deep breath, picking the brush, dipping it into color, and making the first stroke. maybe i’ll need to prepare myself, my soul, massage it into feeling that relaxation that is required to paint a canvas. relax my fingers, my wrists, so that they are in tune with my mind. ah! my mind, first i’ll need to tune my mind. its like there’ a spring attached, it keeps hopping so vigorously, twang!, twang!, twang! i wish i could go somewhere … somewhere quiet. i’ve been wanting to do that for a long, long time now. just go somewhere quiet, and sit, and not speak, not think (don’t do much of that anyway) …… some dark, cool cave, on a high, high hill …. mountain would be too cold and away.

one is completely relaxed when ones asshole ….. opens …. or rather, when one is completely relaxed, one’s asshole opens. that’s why, one feels so relaxed on the pot. the seat. most brilliant thinkers of the world, get their best brilliant ideas when they are sitting on the potty seat …. when their assholes are completely relaxed and open …. when their rectum is all loose and hangin …. no pressure anywhere. hmmm…… it’ll be so beautiful, and very …. soul stirring …. being one with the universe types ….. to sit on top of a high hill, somewhere real high and windy, without one’s pants on, sitting on a seat … with a hollow center, so that there is no pressure on the asshole, and just relax. give in to gravity. just loosen up. sighhhhh!!!!!!!!! :)