what i do for a living is killing me.

i was frozen.
and now i am thawed.
so much that i am all hot now.
so hot, so red.
my metals are melting, oops there they go.
ah! its so hot. i see nothing but fire.
ah! get some water. ooh!! splash it over me.
uhh!! look i’m scalded
don’t touch me i’m in pain.
this place is like an oven
or is it just me.

its getting hot in here.
i never had any clothes.
i am getting so hot.
i wish i had some clothes to take off.
[i acknowledge nelly.]

hello child. u look so cool.
havin fun?
do you know heat? you wanna know hot?
you wanna burn your butt.
maybe scorch your crotch.
ssssss!!!!! it’ll sizzle.
and you’ll cry like a baby.
your eyes will water,
and the salty tears will sting you.
but you’ll like it trust me.
that pain, that hurt.
u’ll wake up in the nights gasping.
wanting to feel the heat,
the flames that burned your hands.
and you’ll pull your hair,
you’ll beat your head.
cos you want’d to burn.
jump in the fire.
my fire … that heat, that red-yellow.
let it swallow you.
earth to earth.
ashes to ashes.

you made me regret my impulses.
my first instincts, my first thoughts.
my first waves of excitement,
the first rays of light in my eyes.

you told me its a naiive thought.
an immature want, a stupid like.
that’s there’s nothing “dignified” in what i feel.
and that i need to work hard to make you feel proud.

i thot i made you feel proud,
when you’d first touched me.
when you’d first smiled at me,
through the crowd.
like in the cinemascope angles, the world had gone hazy.
you stood all clear, stark.
i was naked then.
maybe that’s why you came near,
touched me.
loved me.
held me.
appreciated me.
led me to your haven.
and i followed.
blinded by that warm light i named love.
barefoot and naked, there right behind you.

and then we were there.
in your world. o wise world.
world of dignified couture, and indignified nakedness.
and i was naked.
and you were awake, and suddenly shocked.
you shouted go cover yourself.
i ran and picked all colors that attracted my child eye.
you cried crap. they’re tacky, not elegent.
i gaped wondering what to pick wat not to.
you pointed here and shouted there.
i just stood and cried cos i cudn’t understand wat u wanted,
and had forgotten wat i wanted.
it was cold, and i was naked.
i’d never seen snow before.
i trembled and i froze.
you left and i just stood there.
frozen.

the office management has blocked gmail too. when will they grow up. arrey bhai, if people don’t have work, they don’t have work, then what/how does it matter how much “personal” emailing they do. besides its not the best way to create trust in the general corporate populace. there’s this guy in our management who has these blinders on his eyes … bloody horse!! What this company needs is a woman on the top. i swear if i didn’t hate working so much, i’d love to lead this rusty, cranky, creaky piece of an organization towards new heights. polish and wax it up .. make it all nu and shiny. :) i mean it.

me and cyra went to carter road this saturday .. the christmas day. the evening turned to be one of the best i’ve had in recent times. we got off the auto a little from where we usually do, to avoid a long, long walk. me and s normally have shorter walks and then we and sit on this little platform by the sea wall. but that day, the breeze was amazing, and i could feel that cyra’s little feet were just dying to touch ground and just run. i shouted at the auto-rik guy cos the meter was showing 130, way over the rgular fare. i gave him a rs 100 note and walked off with cyra towards the corniche. the breeze hit us ever so softly … even cyra just stood there and breathed it in … she normally goes berzerk and runs helter skelter, like a rabbit let out of the cage. i worried for a moment, thinking that i should’ve carried her woollen cap along … her nose had been running a bit. we walked, two merry gals along the coast, me breathing in lungs full of freash sea air, and generally smiling at the road, the plants, the bikes, the cars …. and cyra like a good baby, let me keep a hold of her hand and gleed cheerfully everytime her eye caught a plane in the sky, or the moon, or another child, or a dog. she even sat on a merry-go-round. ah! she looked such a picture of contentment. i wish i had a camera.

we reached the cafe by about 9, i think. we were there till about 12:15. in that course of time, we had nimbu pani, soup that had weird tasting chicken pieces in it, pepsi, griled chicken, more pepsi, and some browny with ice-cream. i also chatted up with this guy from delhi. wow! it was so nostalgic. he could speak in haryanavi, which he did, and i just roared with laughter. haryanavi is a dialect very peculiar to delhi, especially south-east delhi to which i belong. it was fun. we exchanged fone-numbers … he said he knows a whole bunch of guys from delhi. i hope they invite me for their next beer session.

around 12 me and cyra went back to the sea-shore. it was full-moon .. almost i think, and i knew that it must be high-tide by then. wow!! it was awesome. s, i missed you. that sound of the splashing waves. how we both love to hear it sitting there quietly. cyra didn’t let me sit. she wanted to run here, and then she wanted to there. so i just stood there for 5-10 minutes … soaked in as much of the sea, and moonlight as i could, and headed back.

back to square one.
which square, where.
are you aware where this square is, in wat sphere, wat hemisphere.
who put you there in the first place.
hadn’t you grown weary of it, of that squareness of the square.
of those walls that you can’t see, but which restrict you nevertheless.

now you miss your old world.
but remember why you stepped out of it in the first place.
can you recall.
that silence lying right next to you, screaming so loud in your ears.
that invisibility, that empty air, that scratched your back bloody with its nails.
that little kingdom of yours, high up in the air
your square, you little cell.

go back if you want to
cos eventually it is your heart, your soul you need to be with.
but know that maybe your heart, your soul wants to jump down
from your square one.
then wat will you do.
suffocate it? kill it?
it’ll show, you know, in your eyes, in your looks.
dat death which you will try and hide.
the numbness which will prick you inside.
you’ll sit and you won’t be able to sit.
you’ll stand and your feet will give in.

your square one.
do you know what it is.
or even where?

your face .. it tells a story
a story, a mystery, a thriller
your eyes, lost limpid pools of sorrow
look at me and look through

wat it is? dat mystery that thrill
dat you keep looking at with ur x-ray vision
watever it is, it doesn’to seem to be good
every scene of that thriller leaves you pale
your eyes lose the luster, your skin grows pale

you’re floating on this cloud, it is grey beware
taking you on its black wings, to destinations unknown
you in your sad reverie are not looking at the way
you seem not to care now, but trust me you should
soon you will wake up and wonder where you are
you’ll take a count of all the breaths you have lost
of all the pretty sights that passed you by.

you’ll wonder if it was worth it
mourning that past moment of joy.
it truly was joy, and nothing else at all
a game of roulet that you played while you waited
you’re not dead. don’t feel guilty about it
life is passing you by and you are sitting in this waiting room
just sit there, don’t bother
but why resent a cool breeze that refreshes your pours every now and then

you need it, this cool air
the staleness will just set rot in, in your heart
breath in hard, the fresh sweet breeze, the sweet smells that surround you
for you need to nourish your soul and grow
be bigger and better when your waits ends

ah! had the time of my life last night … after a long long time, i truly enjoyed an evening out. me and piti had been wanting to party since monday night. yeah! i know, monday of all the days. actually, the week started on a peppy note. we went and saw ocean’s twelve monday evening. mmmm…. i just wanted to rip brad pitt’s shirt apart and shred it. am anyway in a vulnerable state of affairs abhi. :-/ anyway, on our way back we both started tapping our feet to these really nice 80s disco songs the auto guy was playing. ummm… jab chhaye .. mera jadoo .. koi buch na paye .. hai. :) so we decided that wednesday evening we’ll go dancing. dat said, we spent the entire tuesday turning and looking at each other (me and piti sit opposite each other in office) bursting into songs. yes! we did make some sight.

wednesday. the evening drolled on till about 10. and then we reached the disc. me and piti were anyway on a high. she feeling sexy in her sexy black dress, and me feeling fabulous in my denim mini s. we sat around for a while, waiting for a friend. just sitting there was so exhilirating, in the lobby. i took in the environment in gulps. all those nice looking people. it took me a while to notice that yes, strangely most people around were nice looking. we sat there for about 1.5 hrs and still didn’t much feel like moving. but soon we thought that we should make a move into the disc. inside initially i was really cold. i din even take my jacket off. my legs had constant goose pimples. soon enough the dj was in his groove, and he started playing yummy numbers. me and piti started dancing where we were, a little off the bar area … the main area was jam packed (on a wed night just imagine .. wats happenin to bombay). and then people started shouting big time. we wondered wat was going on. and voila .. there was sanjay dutt. we’d seen him earlier entering the place but had no idea that he’d be coming to the disc. anyways, the moment he entered, like i said everyone started shouting, and promptly the dj invited him over to the mike. and wow … after that there was no stopping the night going wild. he sung a coupla songs from his gangster movies and truly rocked the joint. wow! i’d never really noticed him before, but he really looked good that day. and he was fun. the poor dj, both sanjay dutt and the crowds wouldn’t let him come back. hehe!! and the cherry over the cake was sukhbir .. he was there too. and then he sung his patent song .. ishq tera tadpave. wow!! we danced like crazy. if i didn’t have a client call at 9 in the morning there’s no way we would’ve even thought of coming back till the morning. at 2:30 piti had to drag me out of that joint. it was beautiful. cheers!! to more such nights!!

i got up at 6:30 am today. after a long, long time. i remember the last time i used to wake up at 6 was in darya ganj .. winter time. we didn’t have a water heater in our shower, so we used a heating rod to heat the bath water. and everyday i used to wake up at 6 and plug in the rod, and rush back to the warm folds of my blanket, sometimes the warm cosy arms of sam. mmm….. sam. it was nice cuddling up with him. he has a soft skin that exudes warmth, and a massive chest and huge arms … of steel .. hehehe!!! i wonder if i’ll ever “fit” into anyone like that again *sigh*. anyways, i used to let the water heat for about 45 minutes. and then i used to go out again. and that sunrise. ah!! it always took my breath away. the beautiful, beautiful bright orange red, sinduri, lying there on the horizon in all its glory. in that moment it used to be just me and that supple, pregnant celestiality in the universe. i used to stand there, always, for a good 5-10 minutes, wondering if i should do a surya namaskar. but i never did. moving my body is something that does not come naturally to me. what was i talking about??? aha!! today.

well today, i woke up in the morning at 6:30 cos i had to be in office by 8:30 for a call. it never happened. some confusion in AMs and PMs, since the people i had to call live in another part of the globe. well. its 10 now. am waiting for piti to arrive so we can go break our nightly fast together. s did mail, but just a one-liner. seems like she’s pretty busy. s, i hope you don burn yourself out gurl. don work till 2 in the night and be back at work at 8. take care.

i’m tinkering with the idea of starting to sketch again. i used to be good at that. and now i can’t hold a pencil straight over a sheet … and its not my 1 inch nails. soon maybe. the other day, in the store, i just stood and stared at a sketch book. but nothing propelled me from inside to go buy it. so i guess i’ll wait. or maybe i have lost it. i’ll see.

S is going to the US for a month. we’d made such nice plans for the chrismas weekend. it’ll be just us now, me and cyra … having all the fun. hehehe!!!! i’m getting a whiff of a plan simmering somewhere, of a trip to goa for new year’s. fu fu fee fu!!! i wanna go to goa too. insha allah!!

my dream of love has not wavered. till last month i had thought that soon i’ll get over it. but here i am, still in love, with a dream, a dream of love :). it’s still there. in my heart, in my mind. when will it be here, in my arms. o lord! i pray.

i talked with a really, really, really good/old friend, after a really, really, really long time. felt really really good. :) its amazing how time passes. seems like another lifetime now. such am amazingly different life! such an amazingly different person! i am talking about myself. i have come such a long way from there. everybody has. and everybody’s lost. people we didn’t spend a day without speakin to. and now i don even know where they might be, with who, doing what. wow!! why am i so amazed today. if i cud i wud love to fly right now … rather float .. high up in the sky .. curling up in the warm folds of a fluffy cosy cloud … mmmmm………

i clearly remember the day i saw suzy for the first time. behind the sofa, she appeared and then disappeared. she was almost the size of a big rat then. and then didi picked her up and put her in my lap. i’d never held a puppy before. i’d never even seen one that tiny. my thighs tickled under the pressure of her little, ever moving paws. i think i was 14 then. we used to make her do poopoo on the newspaper. and after her helping of milk her tummy used to bloat like a balloon and she used to keep tripping over to one side. she grew up to be a mid-sized, cute-looking, but ferocious dog. her shiny coat had mixed streaks of both black and dark brown. she din like children.

for a good 12-13 years of our lives, suzy became an integral part of everything we did. taking her for walks, in the middle of the night sometimes; making space for her on the sofa, in the bed; getting goat-meat for her every now and then (we rarely cooked meat, as mom mostly liked veggies for food); clicking her pictures. there was a time when i had started contemplating on haunting the streets of nauroji nagar (place where we lived then), me and suzy, after our respective demises. that every night around 9:30-10 people will faint apparitions of me and suzy, walking/floating down the road, just as we always did all those years back. hmmm……….

we never trained suzy. she grew up quiet like us, free, going wherever her minded guided her to go … till the length of her leash allowed that is. as a result, she ended up attacking and traumatizing a lot of other neighbourhood dogs and kids. she was the terror of our streets. kids used to cross our street on tip-toes, whispering to each other, ’shhhhh……suzy kutta’. me and veer had even composed a beautiful poem about that. i wish i hadn’t lost it. it was really nice. the last lines were something like, “har bachha guzartey hue ye kehta hai; thehro, yahan suzy kutta rehta hai.”

those were the best days of my life!!

suzy died quite suddenly and tragically. she was attacked by a dog. she did pretty well for about 4 days, but eventually succumbed to her injuries. what we couldn’t get hold of was the fact that she was doing just fine. her wound had started healing, but suddenly on that sad, sad saturday she started developing some internal complications. the doctor never bothered. she said she’s too old anyway. we were so exasperated, me and veer. we went around half of delhi, from one vet to another … to no avail. we even got her fish, her favorite, but she didn’t even look at it. all day, she had this long face, knowing that that was it. it was winters, so i covered her with blankets and sat by her side. veer said that he couldn’t take it, he was hurting so much, so he just laid down on the couch nearby. around 3:30 in the morning on sunday, i noticed the stillness. my heart went numb. i picked her chin up and noticed the freeze. her eyes had gone crystal … like they do. i woke veer up and told him … he knew anyway … he’d known all saturday. we just sat there … in that moment … like it’d stopped.

suzy was cremated in a very beautiful, peaceful place called Jeevashram. we dispersed her ashes in the ganges in a place called gharganga. she’ll always be in my heart. suzy!!

the song White Flag .. by DIDO.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
I’ll tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be.

healing?
no i don’t need it.
its you my child.
writhing in pain.

wanting to feel the smell of that skin in your nostrils.
the touch that had opened a million buds within you.

its you who is awake .. wide .. thinking .. wondering .. yes wanting.
tis you who has a wound that needs nursing.

let go, let it be. for its nothing, not even a scratch.
live, work, eat, sleep, and one day suddenly you’ll realize that there’s not even a mark left.

the song Maeri doesn’t bring tears to my eyes anymore.

maeri kattu o kardi, maeri chattu o kardi,
maeri yaad o yaad o aye ree.

duniya parayi chhod ke aja.
jhhutey sarey naatey tord ke aja.
soun rabb dee tujhhey ik wari aja.
ab ke mile to hongey na juda.