its tuesday, the 30th of november. and and veer used to laffingly call it thoos de. :) i din tell you about the weekend. it was good. really good. very relaxing, refreshing. by the end of it, I and s wished that we could hold the weekend’s lower end and stretch it a bit. its was full-moon last friday. I and s reached carter road around 8pm. it was beautiful. the soft cool moonlight. there was a slight chill in the air .. enjoyable. we walked a bit by the sea-side and went and sat on the wooden benches of mae-b. we didn’t realize how speeeily the time passed us by and it was 12:30. it was so completely unwinding and relaxing. we then went and sat again by the sea-side. due to the full moon, the high tide was really high, and the water was reaching pretty near the wall where we sat. it was so over-whelming, sitting there, listening to the sounds of the waves, complementing the deep, thick, dark silence of the sea.

hmmm….. i just spent exactly 25 minutes in the loo. deliberating on each second as it passed me by. i’d gone in with a thought of killing time. wanted to kill it with a vengence. but when i locked the door, and sat on the seat of serenity, all vengence just drained out, and i sat there, so relaxed that even my bladder gave way, wrapped cosily in time, all around. and i realized all over again that i don need to kill it, it as always, just passes me by, second after second. one heart beat after another. its 1:55 now in the afternoon. piti’s not too sure about the evening now, she says she feels feverish. au contraire, s is showing great enthusiasm. lessee!!!

after a long, long, long, long, pretty long time i’m feeling good today .. well relatively. got up at 6:30 am sharp, enjoyed a nice, long relaxing shower, cuddled up with cyra a bit, had a good breakfast, and enjoyed good musique on the way to work. today is our guru nanak’s birthday. so me and s also went to the gurudwara. it felt nice. strangely, the gurudwara did not conform to standards. there’s a bed that is an integral part of every gurudwara, where the holy book, the guru granth sahib, is laid every night. it wasn’t there. and there was a barricade around the khalsa flag, the jhanda sahib, so that one couldn’t do the parikrama, for which you go around the flag once. i found it weird. anyways, when we arrived in the office we saw that there was a shooting going on. some film, i think they called it the great indian butterfly, was being shot. it aws cool! i stood there and saw the guy clap that thing and say action!! pretty cool!! :) its still 10 in the morning. the entire day is ahead of me still. there was a plan with piti to go out to club 9 in the evening. but now we both feel that we should wait for payday. we suggested an official “evening-out” to our division head. but he was saying that club 9 will be expensive for so many people. lessee.

i will be back. :)

i got so much life, running through my veins, goin to waste

nothing exciting happening. i have come back from delhi and resumed the regular boring, mind-numbing routine. me and piti are planning to party this saturday night, but haven’t decided where, what. s has finally given up on nite outs. she is saying she’ll spend a nice nite home alone with cyra. hmmm……… my plans to do something about my life are still on. but i am kinda lost. i am on this cross-roads, not at all sure where to head, waiting for a sign, just like that last scene in the movie ‘castaway’. but in my case, i have a lot to loose if i take a wrong road. so i can’t just casually saunter anywhere i like.

i am so sleepy right now. its 5:30 pm. am just waiting for 6:10 to happen so i can get out of office. why do i always end up like this. work but no work to do. have a job, but am jobless. some people around me too have no work, i know, but they look so busy. how do they manage that. what do they keep doing sitting in front of their monitors .. some till 9 at night. and they look so busily excited .. excitedly busy. hmmm…….

i look forward to saturday night. i do plan to have some “fun”. put some life back in the old rusty bones.

zindagi kya ho gayee hai. these pathetic attempts at poetry.
aankhey meri jal raheen hein. my fingers hurt when they touch the keyboard.
sar mein ik dard sadiyon purana. a fever that doesn’t seem to wanna leave my body.

i know i can’t sing, but ye phata dhol of a gala rukta hee nahi.
ye dil ka dard, darawani awaz bankey nikalta hai. sab kehtey hein, “ufff .. chup ho ja”.
what do i do. kya na karoon. har pal mein ik ghutan. har ghutan sad kar jaati hai.

i am living in the moment.
i felt it in the auto rikshaw, to work in the morning.
and i am feeling it now, this one moment.
the one that’s gone i am not bothered.
the one that’s coming, i don’t seem to care.
i am living in the moment .. not enjoying it though.
i feel a disconnect, a detachment that’s sad.
a heat of summer noons dats dry and scorching.
dust of my chapped lips is what i feel in this moment.

last night i felt i don’t like my body.
i looked at my face and hated it too.
my tummy is bloated, but only i am not pregnant.
my eyes look haggard, my hair disheveled.
my upper back has a hunch, but i am not a witch.
if only i was, i at least wud’ve had powers.
i wud’ve made a love potion and possessed that object.
dat object of desire who after taking that potion.
will not see that i am bloated, and i have a hunch.
will just sit and stare, in my loving eyes of evil.
and wonder what happened … life was just fine till that last drink he took.

o love, o ever escaping li’l ghost.
come show me your face, come tell me you’re there.
my days and my nights and my weeks and my months,
pass by me sitting, quiely waiting.
and i live like i do, living a good life.
happy and laughing, loving and giving.
dancing and singing, and eating sweet fruits.
but i know you’re not there, my heart knows a vacancy.
and i know you are there, out in the world.
my soul looking, yearning, one hand out-streched.
you know, maybe you don’t .. that i am waiting for you.
.. maybe you’re waiting for me, like i am waiting for you.

come hither. come to me. o my obstruction to nirvana. my door-shut to moksha.
my one last temptation, that will go on forever.
that’s the catch i guess.
then i will know love, God, my sweet redemption.
maybe you are the one, who will make me one.
whole, complete, round and smooth.
and i’ll float in the universe. one sweet perfection.

fulfill my desire, and rid me of it.

i am so damn bored. what a waste of so many good chhuttis. i cud’ve spent these days constructively, sitting at my table, in front of my nice wide window, sipping juice/hot milk, contemplating. *sigh* and i will be landing on the 16th. i have to report to office on the 16th. no off day fo some “rest”. i think i’ll take the day off. i’ll anyway be reaching in the middle of the day. our maid won’t be in till late evening, so will need to consider cyra. i have bought new curtains. i paid for them and then saw these nice yellow curtains hanging in some other shop. i think i’ll buy those too tomorow. how on earth will i carry all the stuff that i have gathered already. i wonder what kinda luggage S will be carrying. i wonder if she can carry a bag for me.

wish i find love soon. so that i “settle down” in mumbai for good. i really really don wanna come back to delhi .. eva again. insha allah!!

its diwali today. diwali has always been a significant day in my life .. esp when i was a child. well, not that i am not a child now .. but .. :) .. for those who don’t know, diwali is a very big festival in india, most of all in the north of india. the celebrtions start happening aout a week before, with people lighting their homes with candles, diyas (little earthen lamps), and electrical lights. everyone dresses up nice in new clothes and goes to everone’s homes giving sweets and gifts. on the diwali night, there’s prayers, more sweets, lighting candles, and fire crackers. gamling is also a big part of diwali, but i have never indulged in it, nor have i known anyone who does. i remember mom n dad and my uncles and aunty jis trying to establish a gambling circle, but i don’t think it involed serious money. i was very little then.

i arrived at the delhi airport late saturday night .. rather early sunday morning. i was supposed to have reached here earlier, but … don ask. anyway, me and cyra did manage to catch a 10:30 night flight. excited to see a plane cyra very happily went up the stairs, but the moment she saw the claustered interiors, she freaked. i myself was taken aback a bit. it was pathetic. there was just enough space between the chairs to fit one’s knees in. i feared a sequel to cyra’s scream drama the last time she was on a plane. a la scream 2. she did start when i dragged her down the isle, forcing n pulling her entire body towards the door full force. i must’ve looked like cruella dragging a little squealing, howling, dalmatian puppy. but a steward promplty presented her with a basket loaded with candy .. and that was that. :) by the time the plane landed in delhi, she was deep in sleep in my lap. i’d met this nice guy at the mumbai airport who was sweet enough to carry my laptop, as i couldn’t manage it with cyra sleeping in my arms. god bless him. he turned out to be an angel. he carried cyra all the way later, while i was getting my luggage and saw me off in the cab.

its my 6th day here in delhi today. wow! time has flown by like its on a roller coaster ride, although i did nothing but sleep mostly. since yesterday i have been missing bombay, my home, my life there. S and piti are here too in delhi. although we’d decided to meet, but now i don’t think it’ll be possible. piti will be leaving day after tomorow for bombay. me and S will be reaching there on the 16th.

diwali has always been a significant day in my life. but today i feel nothing extra-ordinary. its like any other day. maybe its the people around me whose complete lack of enthusiasm, love, or even that festive spirit has rubed off on me. i wish now i’d stayed in mumbai. me and cyra and S would’ve had fun at least.

but then cyra, tum ho to har raat diwali, har din meri holi hai. :)

am feeling real shitty today. really really sad and low. had a terrible dream early morning. more like a nightmare. very distressing. i woke up typical hindi movie style .. jittering. god forbid!! i’d just die. i would just die. just the pain will kill me.

o god! be with me. be with us. please don’t punish me for things i wasn’t aware of. i try and be good mostly.

are deams some sort of premonitions? i hope not. i hope o dear god not.

i haven’t been feeling good kal se. weirdly bored. and of late weirdly gloomy. this person, pretty insignificant in the organizational frame, kinda indicated to me today that i might loose my job. i had been feeling pretty weird about my job myself. its been a good 3 months now and there hasn’t been much work. they’d hired people big time 6-7 months back, anticipating a project .. most of which didn’t happen eventually. they’ve done it before. fire people for no particular reason and hardly any explanations. but i guess that’s how people are fired everywhere. i have been fired like this once, because my new boss (i had a great rapport with the earlier one, who also was not much liked, or even understood by the new one who took his place) didn’t “like” me .. she said that in not so many words. what she did say was that “you are a cultural misfit”. yeah! i am a thorough professional and like to work. she din even care to add my earlier boss’ commendations for my work in my reviews. anyway, the bottomline is that most organizations are still highly autonomous. its just a handful of people who do what they like, irrespective of the size of the organization. the ‘common woman/man’ still doesn’t have a say. there should be organizational laws. a company needs to give a GOOD reason when firing anyone … with proof. :-/

and i haven’t even been able to save any money yet .. again. o heart! thou sinkest like a stone in a well …

cyra went to see the doctor today. she had hurt herself last evening running down a path by the sea-side where we’d gone to spend the evening. i feared it might get infected so took her for a tetanus shot. they charged me rs 300 to tell me that its nothing, and that she doesn’t need one. but there was something about the doctor that i didn’t like. since we are new to this city, i haven’t yet settled down with one paediatrician. but i had taken her here earlier and the doc was available in the morning so we went there. he kept his hand on her thigh while checking her breathing. and it wasn’t just kept there, it seemed that his hand enjoyed being there. and then the way he held her shoulders while checking her tongue. i din like it. i din like it at all. the next time i’ll make sure that its a lady peadiatrician.

i was happy in the morning now i remember. i suddenly realized that i had reached where i was, at that very moment, after 30 years of yearning . i’d wanted to move out of my parent’s place since i was 20. but for 10 long/short years i dilly-dallied. i did stay in bangalore beech mein for about 6 months ‘on my own’. and then mom shifted completely with dad to abu-dhabi, so veer and me had the place to ourselves most of the time.

and today, I was sitting in my own place (rented though), at my own table (got that for free), by a nice wide window, with the soft sun-rays streaming in, enjoying a nice breakfast that included a good helping of some really nice looking and red melon. although cyra finished most of that melon helping. she loves melons. i do too. the whole scene had that bright light sunny yellow look and feel. i felt so content, so complete.