its a beautiful day today outside. lets go outside!! .. loved george michael in this song. yum .. yum .. truly scrumptious. its a day to spend at leisure, laze around, by the sea somewhere, lie back on a hammock with a couple of big, soft cushions and a nice book .. sipping nimbu pani. wow!! heaven. you’re so close, yet i can’t have you. today’s supposed to be a half-day at office, but i think i’ll be staying here till evening. i think the PM has plans to call us over tomorow. i don wanna. i don think i will. besides, my laptop is reaching home tomorow. :) zindagi kaisee hai paheli haaye, kabhi ye hasaye, kabhi ye rulaye. :)

jinho ne sajaye yahan mele, sukh-dukh sung-sung jheley.
wohi chun kar khamoshi, yoon chale jayein akele kahan.

beautiful lines. today is the day for such songs. like someone is singing them somewhere far-off beyond the horizon, and you can hear the sound faintly lying in that hammock.

i was a better person before i discovered love, at 20. i used to sketch, i used to write poetry, i used to write. i exercised, i was so active … happy. and then i met this guy. mein loot gayee. :) .. in every sense of the word. its like smoking, and i have become a chain smoker. first of all, now, i am fat, have become lazy, and forget sketching, i can’t even hold a pencil straight, can’t write beyond a “HI”. i started sulking, grew sad for no reasons, got anxiety attacks, and veer says i have low self-esteem. hmmm….. so does that mean that love doesn’t suit me. food for thought. maybe i need to discipline myself. try and think straight … objectively. but i love to fall in love. coming back home to someone. “.. i need someone beside me, in everything i do ..o yes i do ..” :)

i got my laptop today. :) i mean i haven’t got it yet, but i have bought it. it’ll be delivered max by sunday. :) i am happy. :) i then went to c-station and ordered pan-cakes. and voila!! i got pan-cakes. with honey and fruits. before the guy got them to the little tea table i was sitting at, i was contemplating various images of what the chef’s idea of a pan-cake might be, considering he so fondly served rumali rotis when we’d ordered crepes, that last time we were here. but it was nice … could’ve been a bit softer though. since morning i had this urge to sink my teeth into something soft, sweet, warm, and gooyee. :) .. i feel so stuffed now .. and on top of that i went and had samosas just now with piti. wats happening to me o lord. am i depressed or something … subconsciously? i’ve been eating like i am pregnant. talking of being pregnant, i’d love to have a baby again. i’d love to see cyra play with her li’l sis/bro. :) i’ve even thought of the names. :) *sigh* all i need now is a daddy. :) *double-sigh*

i just heard someone talking about nov 1 and tax returns. doink!!! help!!! i’d thought all that stuff happens in march. i remember doing it in march last year, and the year before that, and before that. maybe they do it differently here in mumbai. i’ll have to look for someone who knows all this and club some clarity into my head.

did i tell you i have a table now? i was looking for a nice round 4-seater dining table to keep near our living room window. its a big window and the room is nice and sunny, small though. my office had some spare tables, not round, but the regular rectangular teacher’s table. they were giving it off to the employees for free. i got home 2. :) we already have some plastic chairs. so yesterday in the morning, me, piti, and s sat on the table with cyra on her high chair, and had breakfast by the open window. mmmmm….. it was beautiful. i even clicked some pictures.

some of the best moments of my life have been at breakfasts … with veer … when we were kids … watching cartoons … :) *triple sigh*

its 8:50. i’m sitting here, in office, feeling nauseaus. i don wanna work. i never wanted to work. as far back in time as i can remember, even as an infant, i din wanna work. my childhood … career ambition was to become a truck driver. i think it still lurks somewhere in the deep abyss’ of the vast empty spaces of my mind. i’ve always loved to stay home in the mornings. fussing over a luxurious breakfast, elaborately sipping tiny drops of some citrus juice, nibbling on the soft folds of a warm pancake dripping with sweet syrup. mmmm…… a parantha with jam would be just as good, but nobody in this world makes ‘em as soft as my mom. :) and right now i wanna have

i am pooped. P-O-O-P-E-D. :-/ 9-9 yesterday, and 9:30 to whassa time right now .. 5, today. i have been working non-stop. not even any coffee breaks, but just a quick 10 minutes lunch at 1-1:30 both days and another 10 minutes some small talk. my fever came and went. so did the pains. and right now i am dying to switch off the machine and rush back home. and take a day off tomorow. check into a nice hotel somewhere by the sea, lie down naked on a high patio on a sunny, garden, really high terrace, and get a thorough massage. mmmm…… i can already feel the warm oils dripping on my back. wowwww!!! i wanna sink. somehow i can’t keep cyra even out of this picture. :) i can see her clearly, lying on a nearby, enjoying the masseuse’ hands. she loves maalish. any maalish, be it oils, or powder, or just plain soft finger tips. hmmm…. i need de-stressing. big time. my shoulders hurt, and my neck muscles ache. raj, my cousin knows professional maalish. she can find ’stress knots’ in the back, and knead them strategically de-stressing and relaxing your body. yum .. yum. raj, wish you were here. :)

the weekend was a big waste. it took me, s, and piti one complete hour to make cyra sleep, on friday night. after all the dressing up and hair down, we got out of the house well beyond 12 to this place called zaha. it was my second time there. and me and s returned there only to give that place the benefit of doubt … besides i’d managed to get free passes from a friend of a friend. well, it wasn’t even worth the free entry … not for s at least. she got sick big time later in the weekend. she had a flu kinda infection anyway. the musique sucked, the crowd sucked even more. sleaze joint. under age sleaze. they were playing pathetic hindi remixes on a “hip-hop” night. i do not have anything against hindi remixes. but that after they have got it ‘printed’ on the passes that its a hip-hop night? how did the DJ get himself to do it? it wasn’t his fault though. i was watching. some stupid events guy made him do it. its amazing how people keep getting screwed big time, on time, everytime. and how we take it lying back. rumali rotis in the name of crepes. hindi remixes in the name of hip-hop. rice in the name of risotto. sad!!!

me and piti? we shook our respective booties like nobody’s business. we floored the floor. :) we make a good dancing pair, me and piti.

“sawan barse, tarse dil. kyun na nikaley, ghar se dil.” this was the song i often had on my lips during my stay of about 5-6 months in bangalore. it was beautiful. everything. most of all the green. so much of it. bangalore is known as the garden city, and rightly so. you wanna sink in the foliage. and then the drizzle. its like God’s always happy there and is trying to make the people happy by showering little drops of love all the time. i remember once, stading on the highest point on the terrace of my office building. it was like another world .. the sky. the clouds, so thick and so grey, churning inside of themselves, like trying to open a gateway for me to enter, the cool wind howling in my ears telling me some secret password. if only i could. i’d so wanted to fly then, like superman, into the clouds, reach in their midst and float, in that cold moistness, so high, so thunderous, and yet so silent, so disturbed and yet so peaceful.

there’s so much i wanna say, and no time at all. my heart, my head, so pregnant with my thoughts, my ideas.

i’ll be back.

i was presented with a B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L opportunity last evening. all i had to do was just get up and GRAB it. but i didn’t. i didn’t even so much as move my butt. i, very aptly put, “chickened out”. and while my good friends were there booing my chickening out, all i could come out with was this lame excuse that it if i was meant to have it, i will have it. if not today, my sweet ol’ destiny that has always loved me, will present me with another beautifully gift wrapped opportunity. but i was just consoling myself … for deep down i knew that it was me who couldn’t do the right thing, as it was definitely a very right time, and a very right and ripe opportunity.

my mind has always debated on this one very basic issue. is destiny about those tiny single moments? no i am not trying to explain my chickening out here. i am just wondering loudly. i for one do believe that if something is meant to be then it technically should not depend on a single “life-altering” moment. if i am “destined” (i just love quotes, don i) to live a certain way, then i will be given more than one chance to “grab” that life. or maybe, let me put it this way, since that is “my” (here i go again) life, it will be around. obviously not forever, but yeah .. for sometime. hmmm….. keep consoling yourself. :-/ have i really lost it? that B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L chance?

No, I don’t think. Himmatey person, madadey God!!! insha allah.

and everyday in the morning, i kneel down and pray. God keep me and guide me and go with me today (from a poems book i had as a kid) … and forever.

about last evening. we went to our all-time favorite carter road again. cyra was initially cranky cos she hadn’t had a proper mid-day sleep. this time we tried a different place, MaeB. Pronounced -Maye B-. cute!! Its a “Mayeden” venture of these three guys, Ben, Bharat, and Bharat, and hence the B. really cute!! especially after the major faux pas of the C station, it was a cool breeze. sitting there was nice. since most of the crowd goes and gathers at the C station, sitting in the MaeBian peace was relaxing. away from the din and smoke, and still able to ogle at relatively close range. :)

the food, although on the spicier side has a nice, strong flavor. a small menu with tasteful selections that are mostly continental, but with a dominent indian/mexican accent in preparation, to suit, i guess, our hardy taste buds. we ordered a greek styled pasta first. the presentation was beautiful. the chef had definitely put her/his heart in it. especially the spring onions. they’re so rare aajkal. and they looked so elegant among the little green leafy bouquet sitting prettily on the edge of the pasta plate. we soon followed it with barbecued chicken. the meat was truly … succulent. and a gravy that oozed of love and a strong desire to please. it was good. even Cyra had a good time. her moods had improved greatly and towards the end of our food, she had got the regular cheery smiles back, and was hugging me every now n then. we’d definitely go there again. … and keep going. :)

uffff!!!! we went to this place called ‘crepe station’ last evening. i don’t have words to describe it, but a whole lot of action. i’d like to actively break every piece of furniture in it. you know its ok if you wanna regionalise a recipe. but serving fruit stuffed rumali rotis topped with jam and some whipped cream and calling it a “le crepe” or is it la, for a bloody rs 90 is … is … is so fuckin irritating … that i … i … ughhhh!!!! its been a long time that i have been so disgusted. and its not the price really. but the concept. the concept of how coolly they make such a fool of people and serve what they serve in the name of a crepe. poor crepe!! i sympathise with you. i mean at least make it worth the price. at least make it a real crepe. all you need to do is beat a batter instead of makin a dough. wats so hard in that. i have been to some really over-priced joints. but places where by the time you let the last of the bites slide down your throat you wanna kiss the chef and give her/him whatever the hell she/he asks for .. literally. but this place? ufff!!! some saving grace though. good music, nice crowd. enough flesh to ogle at, of all kinds. the pasta was .. nice .. served with two measly looking slices of an unimpressive bread. though it could’ve used some more flavor, or passion maybe. sad!! i’d like to go there again … only to chill and laze, and ogle. :) serious foodies, stay away, not worth it. :) wanna have a nicely done crepe? come over sometime on a sunny winter sunday.

last evening me and S had to pick something up from bandra. so we headed for carter road from our respective work places, both ravonously hungry. sitting in the auto rik i was fantasizing about hamburgers, not chicken burgers that you get in most places when you order a hamburger, but an actual HAM burger .. a nicely done, dripping , juicy piece of meat ensconced warmly between bread, lettuce, and grilled onions and tomatoes. i reached the decided destination; cafe coffee day. with the kinda raw hunger simmering in my pith (can’t think of a better word), i’d already made-up my mind to persuade S to get of the cafe which mostly has sandwiches and the likes .. things to keep munching on when you are just sitting/slouching and staring at the sea with a blank mind. i wanted to eat seriously. i got off the auto rik, asked S to quickly get out of there, quickly went to the cafe’s loo and we both made our ways towards the much heard about crepe station. it wasn’t bad. ok for a tiny, cramped joint. like i said before, good music, and its a nice place to just chill, sip nimbu pani. talk of nimbu pani, they didn’t even have ice, and i had to gulp down a warm nimbu pani down my parched throat that tasted khatta like no body’s business.

after a long, long time, i feel a bit myself. which is rather weird, cos just last night i was feeling a strange mix of emotions .. mostly negative. a strange restlessness led to a strange fatigue. PMS i’m sure. i wanted to hug cyra, hold her and not let go. well that i always wanna do. :) but today started nice. the october morning sun rays have donned that peculiar winter yellowness and slant .. so soft and warm. and there’s a slight cool in the morning air, a light mistyness in the distant hills. nostalgic. i love spending winter days and especially winter afternoons at home with my loved ones around. and not just any home. a home that has a nice open terrace or a backyard, where you can sit out in the sun. we used to do that when we were kids. i remember during the winter days everyday after school, i used to join my mom, veer, didi, and suzy, our mid-sized, brown mixed breed (mostly canine :)) pet, in the shaded backyard. it was a small yard, but surrounded with small trees on all sides. so many times i used to take the cot right under the tree (dayk, a cousin of neem), and lie there till late. those were the best days of my life … and this is my line. i don’t remember ever being that happy, joyous, content. i used to love staring at the canopy of leaves and sun-rays playing peek-a-boo. and then sometimes we used to have oranges, sugarcane, peanuts, good sleepy times. :)

i am looking forward to this winter season. my first winter in bombay. i am not at all a cold person, and get very very uncomfortable when it gets so bloody spine chilling cold in delhi, like veer. veer has a tough time too in winters. dats why we both love the sun. but he loves the sun even in the summers, i don’t. dats why as a teenager i’d wanted to go settle down in the meditteranean region. good sun, no heat and dust … and loads of pasta and cheese. yummy mummy!! :)

i’d love it if i could take cyra there. we both will live in a nice french chateau somewhere, sip tea in the garden that i will get constructed on the high roof-top terrace. dream on gurl! :)

hello,
i’ve just got to let you know
cos i wonder where you are
and i wonder what you do
are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you
tell me how to win your heart, for i haven’t got a clue
but let me start by sayin …

:-)

peace, quiet, silence
is wat i hear in my mind
when i look in
for some words, some “creativity”
to make something nice and beautiful
so that i can look at it
and feel good, better
but there’s nothing in there
its just am empty pot
someone throw in a pebble
at least there’ll be an echo of its fall