the astrology site i visit daily [stars.metawire.com], says its going to be a significant week. for past many days i am trying to change a lot of things about myself. from very simple to more complex, complicated things. i hope that eventually i am able to change my life like this, in a big way. and i wonder if the present ‘jupiter alignment’, which jonathan seems so excited about is going to help me in that. this transitional effect in me has been gestating in many forms. this blog for one. i haven’t updated it in ages. like i had expressed days earlier that i have been feeling out of tune. i still am. internally, it feels that i have left home and have started walking in an unknown direction. i feel nothing. no fear, no anticipiation, no excitement, no desire, no joy, no anxiety, not even fatigue. its been days, and i am walking, just walking. i don’t know where, i don’t even really feel like knowing where. and presently i am not even thinking about it. i am just walking. very much like forrest gump when he starts running and keeps running for years. but i don’t know if i’d like to come back ‘home’ when my walk has finished. in that sense its not like forrest gump … my walk. cos i know i am going away from ‘home’, not ever wanting to come back. a spot i have been at, and i don’t want to return to. insha allah!!

i’ve feeling pretty out of tune lately. its like every morning i pick the sitar of my heart/mind and try and strike a tune, and everytime i seem to hit a wrong chord. i’m not getting it right. i just don’t feel like getting it right. i just wanna hit bed and sleep. come to think of, is it maybe cos my bp might be going low? hmmm…. i’ll get it checked in the evening. the job is borig granted, but that doesn’t mean that i keep yawning all the time. i could do a zillion other things, but i don’t, nd just keep staring into the horizon. now that i am typing it out, i’m getting sure that it must be my bp.

me and s were talking about marriage last night. gladly, we haven’t ended up disillusioned (i don think so). as s was saying, she just feels that its a redundant institution, especially in today’s day and age. me? i’d always thought of it as a redundant institution, right from the beginning. i remember, my first boy-friend was pretty vehement about not getting married. i was pretty ok with it … as a matter of fact i’d never given marriage a thought. for me, i just wanna BE with the person i love, married or not. dats it. what s thinks is also very valid and i agree with it whole-heartedly. in the present times, life has become too … ummm … expansive … limitless. there’s a zillion things for an individual to do, to accomplish. yes there are people who are satisfied with what they have, their lives, their homes, their surroundings, its great. but i am not talking about those people. i’m talking about the other type of people, and there are lots of these. people who want go out … out of their shells, their homes, their current environments, their worlds. for them, life is about exploring, getting to know new things, touching different things, different lives, different levels. buddha did that, so did nanak. no comparison in the personalities though … just saying the kinda things people wanna do now-a-days. and then you meet this one person and your universe has a boundary. i myself would love to have that boundary though, cos i love to fall in love, but this is just for the sake of discussion. a person who puts a sweet, fragile, soft, chain around your heart and takes you so much more away from nirvana, moksha, that shunya. is it worth it? love? i mean the love that is common between two people .. strictly the one that involves sex.

here’s what i think. true love happens between people who have truly evolved. who, in their own individual selves have found a resting place. their mind doesn’t wander, their heart does not desire what they themselves cannot define. they like each other, realize that the amount of happiness between them increases in abundance when they are together, and hence they stay together, for the greater good of the universe, for increasing and spreading the happiness around. love IS NOT pain. love always makes you happy, fills you with joy, puts a smile on your face, makes you forget how to spell negative. if your ‘love’ is causing your even an iota of stress, sadness, worry, or anything else negative, then think. maybe its not love. maybe your true love is waiting for you in some other corner of the world, miserable like you are.

someday, i’d like to talk about soulmates.

someone please tell me where i can get a nice IBM laptop in mumbai … and i am not saying for free. :) my ear is hurting again … not too much though. i poked and poked and poked untill the ear canal was sore. Ahhh!!!! like i used to tell a friend, its orgasmic, scouring the walls of the ear canal with the rough, ribbed back of a toothpick, or a bobby pin. Ummm….. :) and i love it if someone else does it to me. place my head in the generous lap, close my eye, and feel the stroke of the stick, making me writhe, or just shiver. and its not even messy, the person doing it may not be exposed to the scum that a common ear might expell. you see my ears don’t manufacture wax. a phenomenon my doctor made me aware of when i used to end up with ear infections every other month or so.

ah, got a call. need to rush.

my sweet little cherub, my love, my angel. true love, fear not, i know you. you are not uknown. i know you so much, so well. cyra, tp, my sweepea, my li’l princess, my joy, my smile, my happiness, my purpose, my strength, my completeness, my knowledge of not to desire. just close my eyes, open my palms, and pray.

hum dono hein bindas!!! :) aha … bindas!!!

mrigya was standing by the road waiting for the car. it was a beautiful day. it had just rained, and the sun was already out, in all its bright glory. although mrigya didn’t like standing in the sun much, she was enjoying the touch of the sunrays on her skin. it felt soft, and warm, like something living, big, and cosy was hugging her. she was standing under the shade of a big tree, one of those ancient sprawling ones with roots coming out of the branches and hanging down like ropes. her first instinct was to leave her bag there by the base of the tree and climb those huge branches and then swing from the root-ropes. owwwwyeeeeowwww!!!! ms tarzan herself.

she was wondering what it would feel like to reach the top of the tree and feel the wind, when her phone rang. it was azar. she wondered if she should take the call. she hadn’t spoken to azar in … it felt like a millenium. she wondered what azar wanted now. she was still thinking when it stopped ringing. mrigya heaved a sigh of relief. although the name azar brought back pleasant memories, mrigya wasn’t sure if she’d like to rake the old mountain of dry leaves. it was all a part of history now. all dead and fondly buried. mrigya had put the past rightfully behind. it was lost somewhere in the deep back of her mind. she wasn’t sure if she wanted any of it to come in front, however … pleasant, the past might have been. but knowing azar, and she knew azar all too well, mrigya knew that it surely wasn’t just a social call. azar rarely called people if she didn’t have an ‘urgent business’ to take care of. everything azar ever indulged in was urgent business. that was precisely how, in such a short time frame, azar had managed to create all that she’d always wanted to create for herself, in order to have what she thought of as a good life. she meant business, and she executed whatever needed to be executed with a vengence. she’d always been like that, azar, since they were children.

mrigya went into deep thought. thinking if she should call back. she didn’t even notice her car that had arrived and was parked by the tree. sweet subu, the ever smiling driver was sitting patiently, with his patent smile spread across from ear to ear, looking at mrigya like a puppy. mrigya knew that subu would just sit like that, smiling, looking at her, even if she’d just sit there by the road and not go sit in the car for the next two hours. she smiled back, nodded and went and sat in the car. subu turned to take a U turn, mrigya always went home from her pottery classes in the evening. but this time mrigya asked subu to go on ahead, she wanted to go sit by the lake, relax, clear her mind of all her daily nitty-gritty thoughts, and then … call azar. subu pressed on the accelerator, and she inhaled a lungful.

my head is hurting like nobody’s business. as a matter of fact i have been feeling pretty out of sorts since monday morning … really weird. it worsened monday night when i took this medicine the doctor had prescribed. its a strong med, so the side effects are nausea and all, but this is terrible. nausea apart, my head feels like its turned into stone, and its the second day. i just wanna collapse into bed. plus we don’t have any projects aajkal. no work, just come to office and wonder what the hell are you doing here … really depressing. that is one thing i really wish to change about organizations/office setups. if at times the employees have nothing to do, they should be allowed to stay at home, or wherever well they please. if a daily attendence is required, then let them go once they have shown their faces and its been confirmed that there’s nothing to be achieved for that day. life will be so much more better that day. like right now, i feel if i had work to do, i would’ve been feeling better. and if there’s no work, i could’ve done something else, like stay at home and progressed on the book i am on aajkal [satanic verses - salman rushdie]. the other day i was thinking that i don’t mind doing a lap dance for rushdie. and i have completely forgotten how i came around to thinking that. but i clearly remember not minding doing a lap dance for rushdie. :) … for free?? ummm … will have to think about that.

i went and looked up a laptop. toshiba satellite a 50. according to the site it should cost me rs 60,000. the guy at the showroom quoted me rs 1,20,000. hmmm…. i wonder what to do next. but i need it fast. i wanna fast change the way i am living right now … i am not. :-/

i have noticed a peculiar change in me since i arrrived in mumbai … apart from my ever increasing ponch [its 32 now :(]. i have overcome my fear of needles or anything that pricks … hohohohoho!!!!! … i din mean ‘that’ prick, you perv … never feared that one now did i. :) no really … i actually went to a parlor and got my eyebrows done … with a thread. wow!!! i’d never imagined that i cud actually go through that barbaric, hair pulling with a thread procedure. but i did … and it was OK. :) … and i got it done again after 2 weeks or so … got them a bit thinner than they were … the eyebrows. i noticed the difference, when i went for a blood test this past sunday. normally i make a great fuss around a needle and twitch and keep pulling my arm away. but this time, i went in coolly, sat down, presented my arm to the nurse and that was that. that was that!!! i felt the prick, i was completely calm, and the nurse filled a good two little plastic tubes with my blood, and then slided the needle out smoothly, all under my cool, calm eyes, not a flinch in my recently threaded eyebrows. i’m contemplating getting a tattoo. :)