Just now I was sitting and contemplating, ‘have I gone that desperate?’ … that I am … ummm … uh … oh … fantasizing now???? I can’t believe it myself. I have been ardently against fantasizing even since I can remember. Not against, as in I forced myself never to, but I by-default never thought of things that I knew/know I can’t have. It seemed like a … a … waste of time. But this waste of time has of late started becoming a nice, sweet, use of time. Especially when after an ardous long strech of work, I feel the need to strech and not look at the monitor, I think of Dino. :) I’ll spare you the gory details though :) I understand it’ll be a tad too much for your fragile sensitivity. I have a very nice idea of an all nu porn website now. :) Another media to channelize all my “creative” thought. Hmmm…

I remember the first time I liked the named Dino. It was when I’d started reading Flintstones. Dino, the little puppy dinosaur. I just loved that character. Maybe its that old-time affection for that Dino, that made my heart, or rather, mind, warm towards our Dino, the charming one. … the one with the sexy beard now. As a growing teenager, I had never imagined that I could ever like any guy with even a hint of a beard. I was a hard-core smooth-skin lover. :) Veer never liked any guy I went out with. He disliked them with a vengence. Now I think maybe he found them all pansies. :) I first discovered my penchant for beards when my then husband started sporting one. I really liked it. So much that after sometime, when he was planning to get rid of it, I insisted that he keeps it, which he did, against his wishes … and his mother’s. Since then, I have noticed that I rather like guys with nicely trimmed beards … uh … but then again just to look at. Cos it does not feel good on the lips. :-/ There’s this another hunk (I think so), on TV currently, who looks damn … nice. Not only a beard, he also has a nice pony tail that suits him terribly. And those sea-blue eyes. I could sink in them, and just die. *sigh* I wonder if he wears lenses.

I like this. This state of being able to enjoy fantasizing. No thinking of people, who promise they’ll call and never do. No yearning, for pointless, un-practical fulfillment of redundant desires that take you nowhere in life. You dream for a while, feel good, and back to work, back to being able to improve your life. Devote time to activities that do you good and do good for those aroud you.

Dino! Its nice being with you. :-)

S, we are truly connected. Today when I came into office, the first thing I told PB was that I was feeling sad. And not the negative sad, but nice sad, quiet, peaceful, deep silence within your heart and mind, the kind that makes you breath in a lungful of air and makes you smile, a sad smile … and in some corner of your heart you think of the universe, of how you know that you are connected, with the air, the sky, the clouds. And then I turned and opened my mailbox. And the first thing I read were your lines, “am kinda calm, sadly calm just now.” *sigh* :)

Close your eyes S. I am there, here, with you. :)

This is what working “under pressure” does to you. It renders your brain empty of all creative thought. Its actually not so much working under pressure, cos I rarely feel pressured, its more of continously, constantly doing one thing after the other, without any break at all, for at least 10-12 hours everyday. And literally without any break. In these past days there have been times when at 5 my bladder’s been on the verge of auto bursting cos it just kept slipping my mind that I have been wanting to go since 1. And then there are people who’ve been doing it forever, and are happily planning to do it for the rest of their lives. *phew*

Already, I feel like going home, get a laptop and somehow start working from home. I wish I could. I still haven’t been able to save enough dough for a nice laptop. And now my disdained heart is starting to wonder if I ever will. I think I’ll have to go for one of those loan schemes. Another monthly payment. *sigh*

Its raining. Its beautiful. Beautiful in that peaceful, sad kind of way. When you just wanna sit, near the edge so that your toes are just an inch or so away from the rain, and stare at the rain, into the rain, watch it falling, over the trees, over the mud, over the road, the far away horizon. I wish I could leave work and go, somewhere I could sit and just watch the rain hit ground after its free-fall from the clouds. Every drop, when it closes its eyes and looks down towards Earth, sitting atop a soft cloud, or maybe just hanging there in the middle, holding on to the soft, white puffiness. And then just let go .. leap .. joyfully .. with open arms .. head down .. wow!! Would love to do that right now. naked. arms open. the cool wind brushing past. just falling down.

Today morning, I read about this book, ‘The Future of Work’ by Thomas W Malone. I think I’ll buy it, and also read it. :) Its about … I think … de-centralizing an organization. I think its a great idea. People just get lost in their “work”. Or what they like to call work. Like zombies, and I mean it, like zombies they report in every morning, drag themselves around work, looking happy and very busy and then go back home when there’s really no point going back home. It’ll be nice if one can do the things one really wishes to do, without bothering to go and report to a place and stay there for the next 8-10 hours for tthe sake of earning bread. Veer always used tell me that it corrupts your soul … going to office. He has mostly, almost always, worked from home, and truly believes that that’s the way to be. And now I think I agree with him. Although, some time back I used to aggressively, consistently argue that although good, it might not be the best way for everyone. Some people need to follow a routine. Like I feel that if left to me, while working from home, I will keep ligering over breakfast, or maybe the TV for hours, hence missing deadlines. A strict discipline is wats called for when working from home, or when not working under a restrictive domain. But that’s the idea I guess. Self-improvement, of which self-discipline is a big part.

There’s so much to do … in life. I don’t even know where to start …

Motherhood is … beautiful :) … now that I have it. About it being most difficult and rewarding, it is, literally. One main reason, if you have reached there, there’s no other way around it. Its actually the amount of emotions involved …
Bit-after-bit, drop-by-drop of deep, unsettling emotions, nervous, happy, fearful, emotions that stay with you every moment, every fraction of a moment for those nine months that are more like eons. Emotions that get aggravated, elevated by the physical discomfort, sometimes more, sometimes less. And then the wait when you count the days and you know the end is going to bring something BIG, something dramatically different in your life. Hell!! Its going to change your life. And why is each second taking so long to pass.

And you do change you know, after it happens. I mean, for a person who decides that he or she will now be a 100% parent, it means a full-fledged, very hard, very rigid commitment for the next 15-20 years, for that little ‘reward’ to be the “top” priority. A person who is used to sleeping for long and late till 11 in the mornings, suddenly becomes a light sleeper and is able to go through the 24 hrs pretty well with just 3-4 hours of sleep. Simple things like going for movies, or just going out involve a lot of startegizing, planning, packing, wondering, and at the end you decide that its best you stay home. The little bundle is happier and so much more comfortable staying home anyways. You friends who were always fluttering around you, going out with you, watching movies with you, pubbing with you, now call every now and then, and even then you can’t really talk because there’s this little mouth that can yell so loudly continously at work by your side making you unable to hear whats being said on the phone.

But who cares!!! Is there anything else one can think of that can be compared to that sugary sunny smile. those soft sweet arms that wanna hug you and squeeze you everytime you pick them up. those shiny eyes, so full of life that are always looking up at your face, asking to be picked up. those sweet sweet lips that smack you on your cheeks, your lips everytime you laugh together the moment you both spot something absolutely silly in the world. Something that you know is a prt of you, has come in this world from within you, its your own extension, your little puppy. Of course its the biggest responsibility. What else comes close to looking after and nurturing a life that so completely depends on you. Not only that, it so completely loves you that whenever you are not around, it goes on playing, having fun, laughing, but is aware that you are not there and keeps saying your name in its heart. You know that because you can see those eyes suddenly shine a bright, new light the moment they spot you coming towards them after the entire day of separation. The joy that shows in the sunflower’s face when it runs towards you, laughing with joy, squealing with happiness, begging to be picked up and loved and kissed. Ah! Its beautiful. Definitely.

Real tight on time. Will update in a couple of days.

S. Come back love. :)

S, you are missed … terribly. You know S, before your arrival here in Mumbai, I knew I faced a long lonely life, but I was truly OK with it. As a matter of fact I was pretty protective about it. I enjoyed being on my own, by myself, coming home to Cyra, going out with her, coming home, watching TV. Life was good!!! And then you arrived. *sigh* And I had the time of my life. It was perfect.

And now its like, God showed me what it is to be content in life, and then said, well, this is what you can’t have, and arranged for you to go away … and stay away. *sigh* Cyra too keeps shouting O shalu, O shalu every now and then. :)

About the two days that you’ve been gone. Well the first evening was beautiful. hehehe!!! Don’t mind. But me and Cyra went out and had loads of fun. I went and got a hair-cut. I don’t know about looks, but I definitely feel much better. I ‘feel’ that I look better too. Although initially I was pretty pissed with the guy who trimmed my hair, cos i asked him not to change my look, but he did anyway. Actually it was the head massage that he blessed my tired head with. It was yummy. It was …. ummm …. r-e-a-l-l-y, r-e-a-l-l-y nice. :) Which is why I completely didn’t notice that he’s changed my look. :( But now I guess its OK. One, I haven’t had the time, nor will I have the time this week to go again. Second, I think it looks OK. I’ll just wait for them to grow back again. We also went to our bench. :( Thought about you even more. Had a juice there, and then came back. Someday maybe we can ask the Powai association to engrave on the wood, “For Cyra who played around this bench. And S and J who sat and smiled over her.” :) That song always brings tears to me eyes: You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

It was death yesterday though. I was dog-tired. Really wished that you were around so we could enjoy a drink. Desperately wanted to ‘talk’, for some strange, weird reason. Called up a couple of people … everyone was out enjoying the friday night. :( Cyra couldn’t make heads or tails of all the philosophical tit-bits I was throwing at her … she just smiled at me, standing there shaking her bum, dancing to the latest bollywood remixes. So eventually I started shaking my bum too, sang her a couple of bollywood numbers generally ran around the house in order to get so tired that I just die. :) Missed Sex In the City again. :( And was in dreamland by 11:30.

I think I’ll be working this Sunday too. :(

Some weeks back, Cyra had a bad bruise on her PP. The adult maid who was supposed to look after her had gone out, without my knowledge, and the younger maid had no idea about from where Cyra might have got the bruise. I don’t have words to explain what I felt when I saw that black-blue mark there on her the next morning. So I won’t talk about it. Subsequently I was called a bad mom, a person without brains, not worthy or deserving to look after my baby, my life, that I didn’t love her enough. I didn’t know what to do. My heart was sinking anyways, I was feeling lonelier, and the jabbing words, obviously lashed out in a thoughtless rage didn’t help, but just hurt. I didn’t need them, but there they were, in my face, by someone I had turned to cos I needed to turn to someone. I felt pretty stupid … for having shared. There was obviously no need to. It’d been so long. The habit too had died. I don’t know why I did. A thoughtless, redundant action on my part.

Last night, Cyra was cranky, and very restless. At 3 in the night, she got up and started howling. Pointing here, pointing there. She was just howling and asking for things in her baby tongue that I couldn’t decipher. She just wouldn’t stop. Its a weird, very strange feeling when in the middle of the night your child, your love, is just crying and you have no idea what to do. I again started feeling so lonely, so alone. I wished desperately there was someone … family, I could turn to. Someone Cyra could turn to, at a time when her mommy obviously was not able to provide any solace.

And then I thought of those words, how cutting, how rude, yes rude, and so completely thoughtless. What right did anyone have to sit prettily in their cosy homes with their loved ones in their arms, crowded all around with people to support them, to judge me. When its me who is here with Cyra, struggling, each moment of my life, so that we can have a good life together. Struggling everyday at work and every night at home. With literlly not a single moment to myself.

And you O king, just sit high on your pedestal. Your nose so high up in the clouds you obviously can’t smell the sweat of us poor mortals toiling on the roads that lie so low beneath your proudly bulging throne. When you couldn’t even look after my child for an hour because I had to go see the doctor. What right do you have, to hurt me like that, if you can’t do anything to ease this constant pain that is my heart. My heart that bleeds, a big drop for every breath I take. Away! O stay away. Don’t look here, don’t smell my rot. Cos I see the strong desire in your eyes to pluck that beautiful little flower that’s blossoming in my filth. Away! Stay away!!

Sam, I thank you for bringing Mac into my life … and his return. :)

The mind has been quiet for quite some time now. Wonder if it is the quiet before a storm. Knowing me, I am sure there is one just around the corner. :) ‘Just around the corner’ used to be this nice eating joint in Bangalore city. I remember I used to love to go there and fill my plate up into a mountain of food, as one could fill it only once in the paid amount. They used to then weigh the food, like they do in a lot of buffet-type places in Kuala Lumpur, and then charge accordingly. I always found it very silly. But the food was amazing. A decent selection of salads … not much variety, but decent. I pigged like a true pig would, in Bangalore. My ponch had grown to a size of a medium sized round pot, and I had stopped wearing some of my figure hugging clothes. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was staying in a place that had some good 5 stars all around. I don’t remember the names of them all, but the most I frequented was … ummm … it was an ITC hotel … I think … ah yes, Windsor Manor. Beautiful food! And the ambience was good. We used to go there and sit for 4-5 hours at a strech. The best thing I liked about the place was their cheese and cold meats selection, although nothing to beat the cheese and dips selection at the Taj, Delhi. The Taj, Delhi, hmmm …. some good memories. Although I’ve been there just a couple of times, but the memories are … GOOD. Had a great time. The best thing I remember was, once the person who was attending us, got us exactly what we wanted. The person I was with had a strong urge for a very specific kinda taste. And we took pains to describe exactly what kind of drink we had in mind to the attendent. And Voila!! He got us exactly just that. It was an amazing concoction. Even its color was just perfect. We were truly awed, and loved him for it. :) For that matter, I have pretty good memories of the Taj Westend, Bangalore too. Not only of a breakfast at their poolside, which was amazing and very tasty, but also of a dinner at their Thai restaurant. It was a beautiful setting. Literally, out of this world … or the world I was in, in Bangalore. They have this perfect setting of a tropical jungle. A bamboo restaurant in the middle of thick, lush, green vegetation. Plus all the paraphernalia, especially the sounds. The toads, the loud jhinghoors (brown grasshopper like insects that make loud, vibratory sounds esp at night), and all the other night sounds of what felt like a jungle. It was BEAUTIFUL. It was one night I’ll never forget. Especially because I voluntarily had crab meat that night. And f***, I even remember the name; Puja something, I think. And that’s exactly why I remember it. Cos its a funny name for a crab meat dish. They had made them like oyesters. Minced crab meat arranged very nicely in some sort of shells, I think they were crab shells. And wow! Its so amazing I even remember the drinks we had. A very yummy concoction of vodka and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. *sigh* Those were some happy times. *sigh* Will I ever, ever, ever, get to sense or feel something even remotely similar to that. *sigh* Its a sad life! Not unhappy sad, but just sad. A sort of a serene, peace-filled sadness, if you know what I mean. I mean I don’t really miss those old times, but just now, thinking about them, made me *sigh*. Not a sad sigh, but a lungful of … well … sad sigh. *sigh*

The moon was full. The dogs were howling. A long, sad, eerie owwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!! It chilled the heart. It was so easy to imagine a faint, airy apparition hovering over the dogs making them howl like that. Like they’re telling the entire world with all the force in their vocal cords, ‘Beware! They’re here’.

But I was happy. Sitting on the terrace of the tall apartment building, so high above everything that was around, so near the sky, the clouds, it was easy to forget time. And I did! The little cherub in my lap, flapped its little wings and carried me up, to the soft thickness of the orange clouds. I just floated, a little cold with the pink, cool breeze that loved my skin, shivering at the touch of the tiny drops of liquid love seeping into me from everywhere in the atmosphere. I just floated, lying on my back, head thrown back, arms dangling, surrendering to the abandon such content brings.

I levitated thus, the dogs maybe celebrating my agglutination with the universe.

S is going to Chennai. :(

_____________________________________________________
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Its not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone,
and she’s always gone too long,
anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where’s she gone.
Wonder if she’s gonna stay.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
This house just ain’t no home,
Anytime she goes away.

I know, I know, I know,
Hey i oughta leave the young thing alone.
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.

Only darkness everyday.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
This house just ain’t no home.
Anytime she goes away.

-a song by Bill Withers.