If only I had more money. I would hire a good lawyer and sue Orange’s (Hutch in Delhi) ass so bad they’d forget even their own phone numbers.

Grrrrrrrr………………….

And I have a good case.

If you remember, I was talking about a forbidden fruit I was contemplating on. I had kind of given up hope, or even desire to take a bite. Kinda suurendered to the knowledge that maybe I ought not to ogle at it anymore, I can’t have it anyway.

My horoscope for this week: *sigh* :)

With each passing day, you are becoming more aware that there is something you want. You are not sure though, whether you have a right to want this. Either you feel you are not entitled or you feel that it is just not possible to get it. Logic suggests you should modify your aim or suppress your desire, but logic is not the strongest force now acting upon you. Something much deeper is driving you. This is as it should be. You may as well accept and acknowledge your need… and try all you can to fulfil it.
[courtesy: stars.metawire.com]
…………………………………………………………………………..
Alas! Life is nothing but a video game. Each phase of life is a yet new level with a yet another added complication.

I had been feeling this for a long time. That our life maybe is not entirely influenced by our Karma afterall. Maybe there is some other method to this madness called life. I mean, generating good or bad vibes in the universe is OK but I don’t know how far it might be true that they actually come back at you. Buddha attained enlightenment. He also abandoned his wife and little boy. Not a very responsible thing to do. So what nullified that bad Karma of his? Just lots of travel and meditation? (I know its not just that, but I am trying to sum up here.)

I love travel, and indulge in meditation every now and then. Would it be OK to give in to that sweet, ether smelling urge to have that forbidden fruit that ‘legally’ belongs in someone else’s basket? Hmmm…

I just realized that sometimes in a state of hyperactive exhiliration I tend to barge in into another person’s physical space. SHIT!!! Poor suckers.

I have been feeling quiet for quite some time now. After a rush of energy for some days, I am feeling relaxed. Not that I want to go home and sleep or something. I am feeling fine here in office and feeling good. Weird!!! :)

People in general are kiddish. Most people never really “grow-up”. And their desperate attempts to exhibit that they have grown up is really pathetic at times. People do most things because those are the things they been have taught to do from the earliest of times that they can remember. They saw their parents doing those same things. Then they saw their uncles and aunties so those same things. Then they saw other little kids do the same things, and so on and so forth. *sigh* And the most important thing that mattered was that apart from showing the little kids whats done and how it is done, was the fact that it was hammered into their psyches that this is the only thing that they can do, and they have to do it without questions. Most people follow that pattern. They spend their child-hoods, grow-up, get married, earn and do stuff for their family, and then they retire, survive till the time they need to, and then quietly sleep off for good.

No one really realizes that they’re not a grown-up juss cos they are doing all that. Its frustrating at times. And just plain irritating other times. And then there’s no one one can talk to either, cos they’ll anyway won’t get a word of what you are saying. or even why you are saying that. and when they do listen at times, they have this big, heavy opinion or judgment of you. Thickness of the head is quiet wide-spread. There I go, forming an opinion and judging again. :-)

I am completely, utterly, comprehensively bored. I want to go out. Maybe a weekend trip, me and Cyra. That’ll be nice. :)

I am feeling so so so damn restless today … physically. Its like I am going to meet a boy today for a date or something … in the park. But I am not. Ufff!!!! I must be looking so silly, jumping around the entire office. Even my bloddy words are jumpy. There is visible incoherence in my speech. I am sitting in front on my machine jammin on the piano of the key-board, and trust me I am having to force my limbs, my joints, my phalanges, my bones, my tongue, even my bum from jumping off the seat.

What’s happening? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have. Maybe some kinda magic beans. But I didn’t eat beans last night. I haven’t had the fortunate opportunity of crushing the smooth texture of beans (kidney … rajma :)) with my tongue in a long time now. And I haven’t had any other kinds of beans either. I did catch myself staring at this large heap of beans the day before yesterday, thinking if I should get some, but that’s about it.

Or maybe its my regular woman’s cycle. It does happen, at times, hormones and all. MAybe I should try a relaxant. What could be a relaxant. Hmmm……. *sigh*. … I could think of some very nice ones. Juicy, soft, tender …. very bitable.

I think I should log off now.

:-)

I started this blog thinking that I will diligently ‘write’ everyday and hone up my skill some. I used to be able to write pages after pages of redundant prose, mostly nonsensical blabber of a constantly wavering mind. But in the end there was something. The sheets did used to fill up with black/blue ink evenly spread on white of my sheets. I remember I used to love holding up the effort high in my hands, like a mullah revering Allah, and look at it, filled with a vain, shallow, swelling pride of how beautifully my hands crafted those nimble looking albhabets, such dainty feet, so elegantly poised. That’s the problem I think. I didn’t, I never really admired the words, how they sounded, but rather how they looked.

I see a colleague I was waiting for. More later …

I’ve always liked the sound of this old punjabi hymn. Mohan, moh liya mun mera. Mohan is Lord Krishna. Moh is desire. Mun is heart. So it says that Lord, you have enamored me. … or to be exact, Lord, you have filled my heart with desire.

I feel that Manmohan will break the strings that made him stand on the stage controlled by unknowing ever-dancing fingers of the thick-headed. In him I see a person, not a politician. Yes, a politician is not a person.

I’ve always believed that the only thing that can save India now is turning the government into a corporation. Privatize the government. :) But we would need a highly effective screening kind of a thing to make sure that the corporation does not turn into an autonomy. A board of red smeared Bengalis … Hooree Baba. Or the Akal takth. Boley Sonihal. No no no!!! We want something more … ummm … diverse.

Especially the ministries. It should be like applying for a job in a corporation. People’s education and also credentials should be checked and validated and tested. Like a railways minister not only should be educated in the appropriate field, but he or she should have had enough experience in the field of railways. Likewise, the agriculture, environment, economy, and so on.

I wish I could do it. I would love to. God! Are you listening? :)

I felt quite indifferent to the news that Sonia Gandhi will not be taking the PMship. a lot of it is to do with the fact that I am indifferent to a lot of things happening around. But of late, I am trying to read, or at least scan the newspaper everyday and try to update my .. general knowledge. :) But most of the times I just end up reading the local crime scenes, and stay away from the editorial page, and other articles that I SHOULD read in order to become a better human being. *sigh*

I don’t have anything against Sonia Gandhi. I rather like her in a superficial kind of a way. She looks good. She’s pretty. Which is a rarity in the political spheres of our country. They all (the ministers) look so scary that considering getting a job in the parliament seems like a nightmare. I am not at all in any way interested in any sorts of political happenings.

As of now, there is no one who even comes near to being a Prime Minister. Manmohan Singh seems to be good. At least he is neat and clean and doesn’t look like a goon. I’d hate to get involved with anyone who is in politics. That about covers my political knowledge.

Aaj mein upar. aasman neechey. :-)

Aaj = Today
Mein = Me
Upar = Above
Aasman = Sky
Neechey = Below

:)

CYRA and ALKA

Love this song. Sung by Ronan Keating:

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking outloud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall
You say it best.. When you say nothing at all

… Have been feeling very nicely romantic of late. :)

I will be 30 this year. And today I am a very very extremely very different person from what I was, say when I was 23. Not only mentally, but I have also, unbelievingly, changed physically. Even my bum has gone flat, which I take to be a miracle that firmed my faith in a Superpower lingering above us all. *Hail the lord*.

In my early 20s, I was, a kind of a voluptous, oomphing sex (many times), wearing tight clothes even though they didn’t fit properly, majorly into exposing maximum cleavage (there’s absolutly nothing wrong with it), cock-sure kind of a gal. Now I am this thin, spindly legged, flat bummed, not so sure of anything kind of a woman/gal, who always has this really stupid/silly smile/grin on her face.

Am I a better person now? Definitely. A blind person who knew me them, would have no idea of who I am now. I have noticed that even basic things that are unique to an individual’s personality, like little behavorial things have changed about me. And am I glad. I have never been happier. If I have then I don’t remeber.

A lot of this emotional change I owe to the birth of my baby TP, nay Cyra; my Moon. :-) *I love you*. Since her, i have known a peacefulness, a happy peacefulness, a restful peacefulness. I also tend to be cooler and more relaxed about things now. I am fundamentally a very hyper person. But my reactions now are largely tapered. And now I do ‘think’ before acting or talking. It is a blessing.

… am listening to The Ketchup Song. Don’t understand a word, but the beat is good. I wish I could sing it though. Its in spanish i think, but i am not sure. Although right now i am feeling pretty much in the moment, but if I could, I’d get out of this place. Its 2:11 on a Saturday. Office is only half-day today. People have already left. But this manager I work with, somehow feels at home in the office and spends most of his time here, and feels really strange about other people leaving ‘on time’. Although my part of the work is done, but I am waiting. He has gone out for lunch with friends. Its only after he comes back that he will ’see’ everything’s been done, and only then I can leave. Everybody’s left. … almost everybody. *sigh*

I have been pretty busy this past week. We have a client deadline tomorow. But everything seems to be in control as of now. I do not like staying late. Our office anyway works an hour extra. Our timing is from 9:30 to 6:30, and saturdays are half days. Like i said I don’t like staying late (lots of good reason, but don’t need a reason), so if there’s a load of work I reach office early … 8-8:30. On that the other day I had a slight altercation with this Manager whose project I am on. He insisted that I stay late (everyone in the office does on a regular basis). And I asked why, I have finished my work. And he actually said, well I’ll give you more work. I just laughed, and told him well I will do that ‘more work’ tomorow when i reach office in the morning. He actually told me that, “Well, i’ll need to go speak to the chief then”. I asked him to just go ahead. He never did. And is OK now.

I don’t understand why people are still not over the fact that staying late everyday till 9-10 in the night is for losers. Its for people who don’t have a life, or have no idea how to manage their time. Plus, they are affecting their productivity and also their life in the long-run. And I hate the fact that we work on Saturdays … even if for just half a day.

If everyone would just grow up.

… am feeling real tired. actually have been feeling tired since yesterday. we’d gone out for lunch day before yesterday. since then my tummy has been feeling weird .. queasy.

another worry. i started creche for TP. that creche autnie told me that the creche timings are from 8 to 6. i could not reach before 7, so i thought of getting a 24-hr maid. someone who could look after the house, cook, clean and get TP back home at 6. the night before TP’s first day at the creche, i went to meet auntie. she told me that since i live in her building and all, she doesn’t mind taking care of TP and her 10 yr old maid/companian for an hour. she told me that she’ll take them back to her apartment, or maybe let them play with her grandchildren in the park that is within the building premises. i dropped the idea of getting a 24-hr maid.

the next day, thank god my mom was here and went down at 6, TP and the 10 yr old maid got off the van alone. i wasn’t there cos that strangely irresponsible auntie had told me that she’ll take care. what if my mom wasn’t there. the 10 yr old maid is a baby herself. i don’t even wanna let her use the lift by herself.

mom left for delhi in the morning today. i had thought that i will leave the kids on the jhoolas (swings) so they can board the van and go (was supposed to come at 9),and i will leave for office. 5 minutes before 9, i left the kids on the jhoolas, but i had to talk with auntie about last evening, so i went towards the section of the building that has her apartment. to my surpurise, i noticed that the van that was supposed to take the kids was not there. it starts from our building. apparently it’d already left. i called up auntie’s apartment, she’d left too. isn’t this just the limit? what if i had left the kids out there on the swings and left for office thinking that the creche van will pick them up, which it is supposed to.

i went to the creche with the kids. auntie was not there either. i shouted at her poor assistant. the van was there but the driver was missing. i planned to call the damned auntie up later and came to office. now i realize that i don’t have auntie’s phone number. it was there in my bag, but i can’t find it. i will have to go back now. it takes me more than half an hour one way.

hmmm………

Got TP admitted in a creche today. She was busy exploring the new toys when I quietly sneaked out of the place. Later when I called Auntie, the nice care-taker, she told me that TP was happily playing. Thank God!

I got the ticket for mom. She will be leaving early morning day after tomorow. Then me and TP will be completely on my own. Looking forward to it. :-)

When will I get to do more than what I am doing right now??? Something that will give the company appropriate ROI on me.

Earlier I was telling my brother how everything, I mean mostly emotions and the way one feels, is relative. Till yesterday, I was on seventh heaven, cloud nine, top of the world. I was feeling generally good about life and the future seemed like a cool, mildly moist, sweet breeze. And I was ravishing it with every lung full.

Today in the morning, TP got up. I normally leave for office before she wakes up, cos then she creates a ruccus. And if she wakes when I am still around, I ask mom to busy her so that I can sneak out. It works fine. She realizes I am gone, and lets out a couple of screams and goes back to being her normal baby self. *puchchees to her* Today, when she saw me dressing up, she sweetly touched my pants and said ‘amma off? (her short for office)’. And then she asked ‘amma baag (bag)?’. And so it made me believe that my little baby has maybe grown up a bit and that now she understands that mommy goes to office, a fact one succumbs to eventually. So I picked her up, hugged her, and kissed her and then when i tried to put her down she tightened her grip on my collar and started screaming. Hail the lord!!! I could hear her screams from below the building when I eventually left her wailing. We live on the fourth floor.

Till lunch time I was feeling so miserable that I started having pretty strong thoughts about leaving my job, this new place I have rented and everything else I have and just pack my bags and TP and head for McLeod’s Ganj, the Dalai Lama’s abode in India, and start doing some voluntary work in the monastery. They have new tibetans reaching McLeod’s Ganj almost everyday and need people in efforts to rehabilitate them. And then I heard that my mom will have to leave in 2 days. She is the sole person I am depending on for TP’s welfare when I am away in office. Now I will need to put her in a creche and depend on strangers to take care of my little baby all day long, 6 days of the week.

Its 6 in the evening now. I am feeling ‘relatively’ better. TP will meet more babies, little kids in the creche. I feel sure that she will have fun. And then I will see her again at 7 everyday, and hug her and squeeze her and take her out and not leave her till next morning 8. *sigh* Soon she will grow up. I look forward to that.

:)

Its been great .. these last couple of days. Although I had some idea, but I had never imagined that having a place of my own, completely my own, would bring such joy, happiness, contentness in my being. I’m loving every moment. my levels of happiness and joy for the future are increasing by the day. Just one wish left unheard. I wish I could give my baby more of myself. Being away 9 to 7, and Saturdays working is .. not bad as of now. :-) I hope I am able to bring some more positive changes in both of our lives in the near future.

The new place is really nice. I love it already. There’s this nice mall-type little thing near-by. And these heavy, Victorian type buildings around. Its a nice ambience. Artificial, but cute. Veer, my brother, has always laughed at my love for malls. Actually he’s always laughed at everything/anything I love. He also laughs at the fact that maybe I love too much. :-)