i remember a time, not too long ago, when i was so in love with tomatoes. big, ripe, supple, red tomatoes, smelling so divine. an now it’s been ages i haven’t pressed one between my lips, sucked on the supple, red skin to suck on the juices. i don’t even feel like it anymore. please forgive me dear universe, for such amorous frivolities…i remember you tomatoes, fondly, don’t think i don’t…

i often feel lost, career-wise, i almost always have. except when in my teens; then i had oozed creations, in my teens–paintings, poems, sketches. and then i “grew-up”, rather, was of a certain age, an age where i needed to look after myself. or get married; hell no. and then i felt lost, and abandoned. why wasn’t i taught anything, like knitting, or stitching, or making clay pots, or keeping accounts. i was pushed out, to look for a job. looking for a job was never a skill. and what job? i am human, i can do everything humanly possible. that’s my potential. how do i know that choosing this over that is not (or is?) driving me away from what i can really do well. and maybe that’s nothing. maybe that is just what i am supposed to do, should do; nothing. nothing sounds good.

it’s not about chetan bhagat, never cared much about him or his writing anyway. though i did find his books entertaining, a bit; but that’s about it. it’s about this blog post i read, and now i can’t find the link. the person had retaliated (rather strongly) to an excerpt from Chetan Bhaagat’s (some) book. as far as i can recall, bhagat had mentioned how it is better “to go” for a career-oriented woman when looking for a life-partner, as opposed to a “phulka-making” housewife. for some reason, this particular blogger took it to heart (sensitive about being a housewife?) and wrote this nice post about how bhagat has carelessly generalized the housewifedom. although i wouldn’t say i am with this or with that; but while writing a story, or writing anything, one does tend to go with a general idea (or acceptance) of things. as one of the people in the comments section did mention, that there are always exceptions, like the blogger, and many like her. but that would not, and should not stop anyone from using a generalization to be used anywhere…i try my best to not generalize stuff and use s/he etc everywhere, but there’s only so much i can do. and as a writer, i do have opinions, which might differ from all (every) reader of mine.

i am not defending bhagat, yes, he could have used something like ‘most’ and not ‘all’. but then it’s a story, and not an article.

this thought came to my mind. about women saying that they made a choice to be a housewife, and proudly so. well, keeping the kids issue apart (to be with them full-time); who wouldn’t. given an option, i’d love to stay home and not have to face the 9-5 grind of work-life day-in day-out. or somehow wriggle out of having to make money some other way, looking for work, and then doing the work etc. but then, i’d admit that i willingly chose the easier option (yes, it is an easier option), over the one that involves meetings, deadlines, more meetings, and getting up in the morning and going to work even on days when one just doesn’t wanna. maybe not proudly, but i’d gladly do it, just cause i want some rest now, or i don’t mind being dependent on a mr/ms xyz for my daily living, food, and shelter. how many women are there today who enthusiastically take the reigns of the family (which could include a husband) in their hands, and are the primary bread winners. there are many, of course, but those “many” are a minority. the general trend is not that. i am talking about india.

and there are women (most of them) out there, who openly (honestly) say that they’d rather choose a husband with money, over one who doesn’t have much money. women who have left their ‘not-moneyed-enough’ boyfriends, choosing money over love. again, there are many who have done otherwise, but those are a few. at the end of the day, for all the “i-am-an-educated-modern-woman”, the modern woman (rather, most modern women) gravitates towards a life, or a person who can provide them with material abundance and a comfortable lifestyle. i think most men would too, if the world (society) didn’t make such a bruhaha about a man should this and a man should that…poor men. my sympathies. and in cities in the north of india, esp delhi, there are women who make their parents spend lakhs just because they want to have a particular kind of a wedding (sadly i was one such woman). till date, i have heard of just two couples (in delhi at least) who completely financed their own weddings. but that’s a different story.

i guess what i am trying to say is that, it is much, much easier to stay at home and make chapatis than go out there, in the jungle and ensure that there is atta in the house…for some, it is not about joining the rat-race, or proving a point, about/or having a career. it’s about having no other option. that’s a humbling realization…

PS: found the blog link: http://blogs.halabol.com/2013/02/11/dear-mr-bhagat-do-you-judge-women-who-make-chapatis?page=12&fb_action_ids=10151651390581667&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151651390581667%22%3A248768618596852%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151651390581667%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

me: have the tablet with some tang; it’ll be easier to get it down your throat.
cy (she’s almost 11): no no, Michael Jackson mixed his drugs with drink, he died.

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dear JK Rowling. my almost 11 years old is waiting for her letter from hogwarts. please do something… :)

i feel tired right now, very tired, inside, outside. but it is something that’s expected. a result of…ummm… spontaneity. living ones’ life, each day, as it comes. you reach such moments sometimes, when you are so, soooo tired, that you just wanna go to the himalayas, enter a dark, cool, moist-smelling cave, and not come out, for at least this life time. :)

or maybe just…find someone. someone to live with, to share with. someone with strength, and money. strength to shoulders one’s…worries and anxieties (however insignificant they might be), and money to sponsor one’s days and nights. but that is a more cowardly way out. so i don’t feel so good admitting to it; that yes, sometimes i wish it’d be nice to just get married, and not have to think about, worry about, things, stuff…

i feel a kinship with raagi. since the first time i tasted it in bangalore, in the form of raagi roti. i fell in love with raagi roti (and also akki roti); and had it often as part of my meals thereafter. recently someone got me a couple of raagi laddoos, said they were good for health; which is what brought forth this…this…realization, so to say..

i have started a new “therapy” for my RA (rheumatoid arthritis). a kind of a spiritual healing, along with some ayurveda oils and medicinal naturally occurring material and such. the raagi laddoos were/are a part of that process.. :) i am enjoying thus far…

mainey kaha mujhey chhod do
tumney suna ‘mujhey chod do’
ab bus isi kashmakash mein din bitatey hein
i keep pushing
you keep pulling

hesitate, and you will get hurt.

tired
not tired
happy
not happy
thus
i float
on this cloud
or
no cloud
i close my eyes
and feel
try
to feel
your presence
a meaning
among
the thick clutter
of a knowing
that you are not
present
nothing in front
nothing behind
this is it
right here
right now
oh, what fun
or
oh, how sad
thus
i float
on this cloud
or
no cloud

the more mistakes you make, the more you learn. i am learning a lot aajkal. as long as one is learning…

lack of intelligence might not be as worrisome as not acknowledging the lack at all. that is scary. especially if the lack exists in powerful people, who exercise control over other people’s lives.

humility is a one of the top qualities required in a leader. the ability to be able to listen to, and understand, what could possibly be a learning, irrespective of where that “learning” is coming from, even from an apparent novice.

“with great power comes great responsibility” thanks stan lee for these beautiful words. often times i have come across these words “save your own ass”. a leader will never do that. a leader will work towards “saving” and enriching her/his entire lot, and enthuse the entire mass with such a sentiment, such an attitude, the ‘we are a team’ attitude, that everyone works together, not for their own selves, but for (and with) each other.

this song, ‘teach me how to dougie’, takes me someplace else everytime i listen to it. and i listen to it a lot. i love listening to it. could there be a past life connection? maybe i was a dougie-r in a past life, or dougie-st.

is ajab anokhi dinuya mein
kuchh aisey log bhi hotey hein
khud sab darwazey band karkey
apni kismat pe rotey hein

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urd ja panchhee
pinjarey mein taala nahi hai
salaakhon ke gherey
sahara nahi de payengey
dar mat
chhalaang laga
pankh khull jayengey

this st. valentine’s day, i said ‘I Love You’ to a beautiful, beautiful, splendid girl, standing right in front of me, in the mirror. :)

some time back (when my blog was down and hence couldn’t post my thoughts) i was struck by this thought. a revelation, as usual. that (so i think) every person looks mostly for just one quality or characteristic in a (potential) mate/lover. and that quality is Understanding, in some form or another. i had a lot of ‘that is whys’, but now i am just sleepy band feeling very lazy, so i will just get in the bed with my book. (am reading casual vacancy, the adult novel by JKR aajkal. not bad, till now.)

on a different note, (most, ok, almost all) script writers (that i have known) are very horny people. maybe everyone is, and writers can just…express themselves better..hmmm…

if anything can be judged by my very limited periphery of experience (most) librans are good in bed…(much) better than scorpions, who, as per the “books”, are supposed to be best (libra and scorpio are 2 of the 12 zodiac signs). librans have this deep desire, that jumps out like a wild animal that has been caged too long. they have this…hunger…not desperate lust, but a deep hunger, which they satisfy with great passion and depth.

an average human being is hungry, very hungry most of the time. a state that is the foundation of all living beings, creatures, at least on this planet. the fundamental characteristic that makes us all, equals, same-like belonging to this realm. we are all animals. the very few who can control, manage, get-beyond, rise-above “the hunger”, earn the distinction to be called humans. last night i went to this party, wearing something that left very little to the imagination. in that huge crowd, i saw (only) 3 humans, 2 were women.

i feel inspired today, but not to write. though i have a couple of story ideas simmering away in my head; but not thoughts, or gems of wisdom i’d like to share here, my darlings. :)

i feel inspired, to go for a long walk, or maybe paint, or organize a party, or party myself. :) my hands feel too hyper and impatient to sit and type out all my thoughts. :) thoughts that are running around like little excited puppies in my head, tongues lolling out and about, eyes bright with smile and cheer. :)

it was a beautiful day yesterday, and the night rose with an applause to match. we went for a walk, cyra and i; in the night, it was so beautiful. tyeh sky was clear, the stars clear and twinkling, the breeze…ahhh!!! the cool, cool breeze made all the difference. if only i had wings (thanks whisper, but no, i am not talking to you).

i look forward to my evening walk today. maybe i will get spinach and cook cyra a nice, nutritious meal. although i am a fan of soup, it’s rare that i cook one. i think i will today. spinach and carrots. though i do make moong daal soup often…hmmm…lesee.. :)

it’s a beautiful week.. :) hope it carries on…

sometimes, one just can’t help it. doing something that one knows is not good for them. having a muffin for example. one knows that one shouldn’t, but yet, one did. tut! and it’s not even all that great; doesn’t taste fresh at all…

well, i didn’t/couldn’t get access to my blog for a long, long time. and all those beautiful gems of thoughts, tid-bits, that had been swirling in my mind, have, well, evaporated now.

ah! been here after ages. it wasn’t working. my blog, this blog. dunno what happened, it just wouldn’t…open its eyes. :D

it’s alive again..yay!! :D

a big thanks to amrit for reviving it.. :)))

for those of us, who are not born genius, or maybe lost the gem somewhere along the way, it is pain that helps (among other things). helps to create, to feel. yes, to feel. the heart experiences sensations, some old, some new, some a mix. you feel it, so real and solid, re-affirming the position of your heart. the center of all your misery, the core that pulsates with this painful energy that travels through your body, re-assuring, that yes, you have a heart. and then one is thankful…

one hurts, deeply, even when one has experienced such extreme joy and pleasure and has felt that one can never feel pain again. but one does. and one prays. it helps…some. it definitely helps.

this new year, dear universe, i pray for PEACE, TRANQUILITY, and CLARITY.

peace of mind, tranquil surroundings and environment, and clarity of purpose, or non-purpose. or anything you deem fit, dear universe, for one, for me, to stay on the path, to do what’s right; not by mine or anyone else’s standards, but by your standards.

i shouldn’t have lost my virginity. the day i did, i changed my destiny, my life. maybe Cy made me do it. you bad, bad baby…