kya kal wo subah ayegi
jo sab ulta pulta kar jayegi
aur mujhko naya banayegi
?

intezaar nahi
bus ek asha hai
aaj ke iss pal se
naa hi koi nirasha hai

bus sapno kee hai
ik phulon kee daali
kya un phulon kee khushbu se
meri saanse bhar payengi
?

kya kal wo subah
ayegi
?

there’s so much i want to say, but when i open my mouth (figuratively speaking), it becomes a bottle neck, for all my thoughts. and then, some of it, i just wanna shout out. at someone, at everyone, the trees, the clouds. i don’t know. it doesn’t even matter. like everyone else, i feel trapped. like everyone else, i think, i am. i think, therefore, i am?

so of course, you can’t do anything about it anyways. so, just give up, or like the wise ones that walked the earth so peacefully said, give in, with a nice smile on your face. i understand; and, i try.

the silly smile’s back on my face…bah!!! stop showing off your puppetry skills dear universe… :)))))

i think of you
i try
and not

but can’t help it

your lips
thrust themsleves
on me
on,
into my mind

our kisses
sweet, sweet kisses
that sea
i never wished
to come out of

now
when i think of you
i try
and not

i just smile
:)

thanks
for letting drip
the juice
of that mouth
into mine
i will try
and not
remember
or ponder over
the fact
that you
(too)
just got up
turned
and walked away

after all
am i not
working on
‘conquer you ego 101?
????

i am
working on
zeroing in
on (my) desires
and
.
.
.

the problem with not being able to sleep till post 12:30 am is that one gets hungry, again. ** sigh ** i so should not have had that coffee at 8…

and then when one makes a sandwich, one makes it like one wouldn’t even make it for lunch. grab everything one can get one’s hands on; maybe even top it with a fried egg, and some chips to add that crunchiness. hmmm…

i wish i had something nice to drink though. something thick and cold; like thandai.

me: God, what do you want from me? What is it you want me to do?

God: Nothing at all…

me: hmmm…

i know now what can keep me happy. one of the things at least. keeping away from alcohol.. :)

i had been off…i remember saying sweetly no to it…sometime around last year; i remember the look of confusion on dad’s face. and then, just like that, i dunno how/when i started again. sheesh! no more. :) ok, not like strictly off it..but it’ll be a one-off thing from now on. :)

dear universe… :)

i (do) love you… :))))

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

this song always takes me someplace else:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0nFTdKlKLw

long back, i’d met this guy, in a club, who sang this song in french (karaoke night). i was swept right off my feet… :)

sometimes i feel it so strongly. my fucking…consciousness..peeling away from my body, from the inside of my body. not caring for it anymore, the body. not wanting it. if only there was a toggle switch somewhere; it’d extend itself, and turn it off…

dear universe. i want to move…on…ahead…

although, i truly believe in spreading love, to all; some people just don’t deserve it. two problems. one, in saying that, i am being judgemental. two, well, that’s the idea, you spread love, irrespective. :)

dear universe, give me the…wisdom. tolerance, and acceptance.. :)

and, thank you.. :)))))

…drunk that is. i was. last night. for the first time in my life, i passed out. in the loo of a club. like so many li’l gals i have sympathizingly looked at, over the many years, of my sad, long life, lying down there, with their heads in the toilet. and there i was myself, last night, sitting there, and then realizing i couldn’t, rather didn’t want to, get up. my friend, ill-equipped to handle crisis situations (she’s the embarrassed about everything, scared about everyone kinda gal; not the best drinking buddy :)) esp the ones where the stronger one has passed out flat in the girl’s washroom, freaked, and got the big bouncer to help her pick me and get to the car. him, well, he did not waste any opportunity to squeeze my breast (looking not bad at all in a beautiful purple satin bra, pretty visible under a half open shirt). i was limp, i just giggled. and then he just dumped me in the car like one throws a huge garbage bag out on the road. i insisted that my friend just let me sleep it out in her car (the best thing to do when one is passed out), but nope, she wouldn’t just give up. she actually went about looking for help, when we reached home, and got this driver guy sleeping in a parked car nearby. now this guy was very decent. did not touch me in any inappropriate way, slung me up over his shoulder, while the only thing i was concerned about was my new phone, and softly placed me on the living room diwan in my house. the last thing i remember was Sul fussing about over me; taking my boots off and all. she’s never seen me passed out, poor thing, and lugged over some guy’s shoulder. it was quite a night. :) we live, we learn. bah! i guess i am growing old, and need to remember that and not treat my body the way i used to treat it 10-15 yrs back. hmmm…

and now that i’ve been here, it got me thinking. it is not a very uncommon situation, people passing out. clubs should have a pass-out room; you know, like a dormitory, where if one passes out, one can just go and lie down about for a coupla hrs, till one is able to at least stand up and go on home safely.

and yes, as expected from the public in general, no one came to help; so many of them standing about around waiting for their cars. some even just stood there and giggled, looking at us, my friend was fuming today.. :) and yes, i have offered help many-a-time, to many-a-gal, sometimes guys too, if i felt help was needed. so it’s not something that no one ever does. i wish more people would. in life.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

27th April afternoon:
i completely forgot to factor in the coupla pills i had popped just before leaving home; one of them a pain-killer. that surely must’ve helped relax my body and loosen up my brain. dear god, please help me remember that i have taken pain killers before i launch on drinking binges in future. :) and that’s not the first i have done this. need to be stricter (with myself) now.

hehehehehe…who am i kidding.. :P

why do (most) guys lie (mostly about their marital status)? i guess because (most) girls say no, when maybe deep down they want to mean yes. :) blame it on the way we are brought up. we are brought up:
1. to never use our brains
2. to never acknowledge the existence of a heart and individual emotions
3. to suppress our desires
4. to never question (mostly parental) authority
5. to never even think about sex….shhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

…what else..???

i am glad i had the childhood i had (i guess); though a lot of people (close to me) would disagree with the kind of person i have grown into (ok…still growing). :)

i think i’m gonna sleep without brushing my teeth tonight. no! won’t even rinse…i am a free citizen, of a…a…rigid, caged country.. :) yay!! :D

love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUjn3RpkcKY

PS: stop saying i missed my train long back. never wanted to take that journey anyways.. :)

it was a beautiful morning today. and i was enjoying the poha, that looked, felt, and tasted like a gooyee upma, reminiscing about the immediate past. what got me thinking about it was the fact that i was feeling terribly sleepy; inspite of having enjoyed a peaceful sleep in the night (though i was disturbed twice by phone calls around 2:30 am. grrrrrr…..everyone close to me knows how i hate that, getting calls in the middle of the night, esp when i am sleeping. though the callers are not someone close to me, just some selfish kids who think about nothing but themselves; drunk selfish kids. of course, i didn’t take the calls). reminiscing a part of the immediate past made me giggle, as the curtain raised itself gently, like a graceful elegant hand of a beautiful dancer, when a soft morning breeze flowed from under it, into the living room.

ah yes. the topic title. yes. i am fogetting things now; and sometimes i just…zonk out. i am not able to remember things (faces!?! :P) i did yesterday. YESTERDAY!!! i was thinking if i should go someplace and get some therapy. though i can very well self therapize myself. but i need to pluck myself out from here and “retire”, for a little while, to some quite, peaceful place. i like quite, peaceful places. silent.

or maybe i am just. truly. letting go. of my senses. that makes sense. i am (un?)consciously making myself absent from…moments. being in the moment, and then. suddenly. out. somewhere. someplace. just. lost…

hmmm…

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“oh! you have a kid? i looooooove kids. i wanna meet her. can i meet her..” THE MOST common lines guys say when i tell them i have a daughter.. :)

the universe did give me everything i ever wanted. getting everything one ever could ask for, just bores one out…

so many people i meet, are like ice-bergs, most of it under water, invisible. me? sometimes i feel i am a huge, big boulder, sitting on top of a hill, hyd eshtyle… ;) :)

yes. it’s been so long, that i haven’t seen your face. ah! yes, yes, i know it’s a song. but you know what i mean.. :)

:)

:)

ok, ok, fine…i will try and de-transcend to “words”..heeheehee!! :D

it’s been a tiring 2012, till now. tiring in a nice way; you know, “my back is achin’, from our love makin’…” kinda nicely tiring. not to say that i’ve been getting it a lot; which would be none of your business. :)

have been out a lot, on my feet, doing this, or doing that. not been doing a lot of ruminating of late. i know, that is bad. have had a lot of “me” time, but haven’t been spending it much on/with myself. that IS bad. oh well, it is what it is. i am ok with it, as long as it is, what it is… :) nothing much one can do to bend the will of the universe anyways; esp not if you are as lazy and as disinterested as a certain ms jaggu kaur.. :P

but after three very tiring, sun-kissed!?! nah, yet again, sun-fucked weekend getaways, i think there’s been enough pushing our bodies, esp the li’l one’s, and so we are going to “chill” (hopefully not deep-freeze) for awhile; till a coupla weekends at least.

i feel like getting a person to live with me; at least for a while; you know, just to cuddle around with; go out to drinks with; read books with. my my, hyd air really is not doing me much good; making me hungry, in more ways than one.. :) hmmm…i need to start disciplining myself. start working out, and stay regular. it’s nothing but just the (complete and utter) lack of physical exercise that makes the heart (and soul) go astray and makes the tummy protrude and stabs at the self-esteem and confidence-in-a-bikini levels.

i am hungry, again, gotta go look for eggs, hope i find some. hope tomorrow i can start with something at least; a walk maybe. tomorrow…

or maybe i will just move to a hotel, when cy grows up and goes..to her own life.. :)

actually, i want to do it right now. go someplace, by a beautiful, calm sea, ocean rather, and check into a hotel/condo. get massages, go for long, quite walks on the beach, drink colorful, sweet, potent cocktails, eat nutritious, green-and-white (pref raw) finger foods…and just…vegetate…

where a river flows fastest, the waters are the clearest. so with life…

why, oh why people come to work when they are sick, esp with highly contagious things like colds and coughs. i started sneezing like crazy in the afternoon, and now i think i have a cold. :( boohoo!!

or something triggered it. maybe some dust particle or some such.

and i have been feeling very dehydrated all day, and strangely detached.

the morning was beautiful, when i reached work; and the evening, even more so, when i left. i should so get rid of television. wasted a perfectly good evening watching this silly movie with cy.. :) well, it wasn’t bad, the movie. we both like paranormal, ghost movies; it was about how this girl dies and then her atma (spirit) haunts these people. not bad at all.

as completely whooped out and strange it might sound, i have never really dated. like, a proper date and all. like, a guy (or girl), expressing his (or her) interest in me, and asking me out, and us going out, and having a good time, and then going out some more and then having something of a relationship thing going on. i’ve had relationships; and as not-normal like a lot of other things in my life, niether were those relationships. the two “proper”, official relationships that i have had, well, i was the one wooing and running around after the guys, chasing, more like, and wanting, and urging, sometimes even begging. one (relationship) helped me grow a little, taught me about heart-breaks, and that, nothing really ever breaks, and that life, and everyone and everything in it, keeps going on. the other, made me stronger, and then, unexpectedly, left me with a baby. :)

i’ve never really been into the whole relationship thing, since i was young(er). i like my own, private, space; i like being single, and would like to keep it that way, unless, of course there comes a reason that can nudge me towards changing my mind. :) could be because of cy. she does completely fill me up, leaving hardly any space for feeling an emotional void, i think one of the primary reasons that people are on the lookout for a life partner. maybe when she is older and starts to live her own life, which might be sooner than i can anticipate, and i have more, much more time to myself, i might start to think about having someone in my life. or i might just, start to live life…more dangerously..so to say…hmmm…