i don’t see any point if all one gets is “benefits” and no friends. does not make any sense, if you ask me, esp for someone (like me :)) who’s looking for only one benefit, which is, someone to talk to, a friend. back to square one kinds … heeheehee!!!

first up. i ordered a rakhi and some sweets for my nephew in canada from this site: www.GiftstoIndia24×7.com
on the 21st. it hasn’t reached yet. rakshabandhan was on the 24th, i think, and the delivery date that i set (for which they did provide me the option) was 24th. even today, the 31st, they haven’t received what i had ordered.

i sent another rakhi and cake using indiatimes shopping to veer and he got the stuff the very next day. :)
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last week, all week, i was down with viral fever. got it from Cy. she got it on Thu (19th), and i got it on Fri (20th); though i did ask for it. but i was angry with God, with the universe for making me suffer when it is general knowledge that i do not like to. for a day there i actually felt that my brains are going to get fried in my brain juices inside the hot cranium. i was briefly scared. and on top of all that this project i am on is in a very crucial stage, and the work that i am doing, no one else can do it but me. so now this week the pressure if so much more, and now i have just this week to finish everything.

the fever changed a lot of other things too. like my feelings towards certain people. i guess there’s only so much one can take of something that is not adding value to one’s life. and i missed my friends, piti and talu, making me realize what an awesome part they have been of my life, and how amazing it is to have friends walk in and out of your days/months every now-and-then. :) i do miss them both; my friends. :)

i have stopped going to the gym now, completely. back to my two feet on the road. hurray to long walks, light jog sometimes. though i haven’t started again yet after the fever. maybe today i’ll go in the evening.

sometimes one does wonder though, ye kya vidambana hai. ** sigh ** ‘what’s going on ..’ (the hindi words don’t translate into this.) but it’s more out of, like, enough already, what next …

cy: mama, you should enter that kingfisher calendar girl hunt.

me: no baby, one has to be really beautiful, and thin. i’m neither.

cy: no mama. they say, “if you’re hot, we’re hunting”. you’re hot.

:-)

no, we are not (truly) independent. millions of my sisters are still sobbing in some corner of their respective homes, cos they can’t even say what they want to say, in their own homes; or be what/how they want to be. we are faaaaar from being independent.
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on a different note, life has been full of revelations, till now. some pretty stu (we, cy and i, have resolved not to use the entire word, or any word that might have judgmental/negative connotations), which were an ignorant, mostly arrogant, not so intelligent mind’s small interpretations of something big and meaningful maybe. some, profound, that have eventually led to my current belief system; the fact that there is no good, in-shape, well-functioning “system”, or even beliefs (heeheeheehee!!) is another blog post. :)

i was thinking about 2010 mostly. that, it has been significant, in a strange, not-solid, kind of way. i mean, nothing of significance has happened, as yet, but the all-important small (no)things have .. well .. left a mark. rather, not left a mark, but made earlier existing marks, stronger, darker, which (i’d like to believe) has left me, lighter .. :)

my tastes have changed, yet again. this year, i am all for paranthas (something consistent throughout my life till now), and respecting what they can do to my system, my body. and, i am all for salads, loving what they do to my systems, and my body. :) i also realized, that maybe my will is stronger than my body, and if i don’t understand, and rein it, it might do (my body) some major harm ..

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just had an awesome time getting drenched (not really) sharing an umbrella with a friend, shvn, on a long walk. she said with such deep reverence that this was the rain to wash all sins, it was raining so damn hard .. and i said, well, lets go get a good wash then. :) i do feel especially .. liberated .. hehehehehe!!!

THANK YOU GOD!! … WOOHOO!! :)

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last night was good, not “crazy” .. but just, good. :) me like, good..
went out with friends, had some good food, conversations that hardly made sense, and laughter, well it didn’t matter if it made sense, we just laughed. thank you for those moments too God. :)

i had a weird dream last night. not bad, as such, but weird. i was in the nauroji nagar house (where i grew up), with cyra (at about 3-4 yrs age), and a strange man. I won’t go into the details as its stuff that i promised veer i will not post on my blog publicly, so that our kids don’t read it, as soon as they are able to (not that i mind,as i had mentioned earlier; but veer means something to me). but it was strange. very bright and colorful (not what happened though). not at all dreamlike, or surreal, but yet, not real enough; it was, like a clear mirror image .. yes, i think 2-D.

anyways, dats about that about the dream. though it’ll be nice to have a dream interpreter’s opinion; it seemed complex at many levels and it’d be nice to understand what it could all mean as far as what could be going on in my psyche is concerned. hmmm…

wow! there were so many thing i’d thought about, for posting here, but never got to it, not one. work has been crazy .. well, there has been, work. hahaha!! :) and what work .. wow .. today i have been working 12 hrs straight non-stop. broke off for 10 mins for lunch and then maybe about an hr to get back home and eat and log back again. ok about 11 hrs. still, bit too much for me. me with my frail constitution and stuff .. :)

one thing i was thinking about (not much, unfortunately) was the current state of the afghan(i) women, what with the taliban threatening to be back again. and not just afghani women, but women in general. some day, i hope, they wake up (the women), and get angry, very, very angry. that should solve a lot of current problems, even (rather esp) taliban related. if only women in that region got basic military training, and realized (one, fine day) that they are complete, beautiful, independent individuals, and not shadows of their men-folk, life would be something else. this world would be a different place.

it’s getting late, and i am so very tired and sleepy. more later, hopefully soon …

in the morning, while getting ready for work, i was thinking about how i was angry at my school-time teachers. esp when i was with this school in delhi, called chinmaya vidyalaya. the teachers were a blot on the profession. typical of many (most) teachers here in India, they were there not to impart knowledge or education, but just to make extra money for the household, working for what comes close to a half-day. appalling! not just me, but so many kids like me were just ignored, completely.

like there was this math teacher (i would really want to mention the name here), i, a student who was really bad at math, somehow managed to get pretty good scores once, i think 75/100 or some such. my happiness knew no bounds. i was so happy when i went to her, showing her the test paper, squealing with joy, “isn’t it great ma’am. i got such good scores.” she made such a sour face and off-handedly said something to the effect of ‘no big deal’. i was .. shocked, heart-broken. that was the last time i got good grades in math in that school, chinmaya vidyalaya. the fact the i got good scores later, in other schools proves that there was not much wrong with me, it was the teachers. tut! besides, i did do well in a coupla things (i’d won debates, wrote poetry and did some creative writing etc, and i had shown potential in physics) .. didn’t the dimwits have brains to conclude that o well this kid is not so bad after all .. ?? maybe if we just guide her properly. bah! if i had extra time and money, i’d have sued that school. i wanna sue that school.

as is typical in most Indian scenarios, there were a bunch of kids; moneyed, smart, people who DID NOT require much work from the teacher(s) to start with. THEY got all the attention, and help … and .. and .. love. :( us .. poor kids .. “middle class”, no “status”, were completely marginalized. this one time, our english teacher had the cheek to comment, “oh why can’t you people write like her” turning towards “us”, the poor lot, after a “bright” gal submitted her essay on something. well, ma’am, we would, if you’d deem us worthy enough for some of your attention .. duh-huh!!! bull …

and that same no-brain, once told “don’t think too much …” when i was about to say something and started “ma’am i think …”

a blot on the profession .. big, black, hideous blot …

i feel much wasted today. like, there’s so much i wanna do, i can do, am capable n accomplished enough to do, but am doing nothing. not that it matters, cos eventually it’s all going to be ashes and dirt, or some such. but today, i don’t care what it will be eventually, i just want to do it .. :)

i live better, if i live on my own, by myself. through the decades, i have come to realize that the more people enter my life, the more imbalance i face, struggle with. my days, my plans (rather no plans :)). these myriad activities take over my otherwise placid days, and nights. do i like it? of course, as usual, i don’t know. besides, it’s not so much about liking, or not liking. there are so many things one does in the … heat, or sometimes flow of things. it’s only later, in small, stolen, quieter moments that one extracts, and chews on this thought and that thought that one realizes that oh shit. oh well .. whats done that’s done. but i wish it wasn’t. and so, life goes on.

subah hoti hai .. shaam hoti hai .. :)

i’ll be in mumbai this weekend. to while/laze my precious time away, yet again. miss my weekend french classes, which i feel terrible about.

i am still struggling with trying to wake up at 6 every morning. and i am beginning to suspect that probably there is an evil/mischievous force somewhere around me that stops me from … getting up early and enjoying the divine morning air that will rejuvenate me and hurl me towards enlightenment at lightning speeds.

did i mention that i met this pandit ji in this mall (inorbit) the other day. he reverberated my thoughts. that i am highly susceptible to “buri nazar” (evil eye), and that he has an “upaye” (solution). my friend extracted me forcibly from the very interesting conversation i was have with the pandit ji saying that she knows a better one. but i liked that pandit ji, and i think one of these day i’ll go check out his “upaye”. problem being that if it entails wearing a stone or pendant or some such thing on my person, then that might be a problem, as i don’t accessorize my body with such articles for varied effects and aesthetic enhancements.

today i wonder if this space has lost its significance. or maybe i am just dried up .. heeheehee!! or filled with something else altogether.

i did manage to lose 5 kilos. ye! and am at last bored of the gym, all in 2 mnths. i like my dirt tracks and roads better. although i did sweat more on the treadmill. hmmm… plus, they have all these varied contraption to focus on and tone up different muscles. but then those are good only if used consistently; consistency being something i am not able to maintain, not on a smaller frequency.

and i realize my wardrobe is in some need of attention. but i am too lazy, and hyd too … lacking, for me to be able to do much about it. maybe the next time i go to delhi, or mum.

hmmm … wat else ..

i shiver, i tremble
shout sometimes
so you’d notice,
my plight

but like the monsoons
unaware, uncaring
you rain on me
every night

so last evening, i was just walking around on when cy, who was generally tagging along, like she does, expressed (yet again) her desire to bring home a puppy. she knows that she can get one when she is old enough to take care of her/him herself, so she was explaining how she’ll take her/him for walks and how she’ll clean her/his poop from the road/ground, explaining very animatedly the scooping action she will do, and when i tried to show her how you take the plastic bag over your hand, then scoop the poop and then peel the bag off your hand thereby enclosing the poop in the bag, i realized that Oh My God, i am teaching my baby jus another way to employ more plastic bags, when we don’t wanna be using any. and that made me think that i’d rather have my foot step into dog poo (which happened because i am not looking where i am going in the first place) than trash my environment with more plastic bags. [i so love himachal pradesh for just this very reason; plastic bags are banned there. you can't even be seen carrying one on the roads. how cool is that! :)]

one could employ re-usable plastic/tin/hard-board scooper things, so that you can pick the poo up and drop it in the nearby trashcan (non-existent in Indian cities) on the road, or at the base of some plants. and then just go home and wash the plate/scooper.

btw i have had the awesome experience of literally getting my hands dirty in cow poop; as a kid, at my grand parents’ place. they made and used cow dung cakes to light their stoves for cooking. and i remember going with biji (dadi) for cow dung collection. it used to be a fight, cos everyone wanted the freshest drop. they even used to go on their haunches with their big collection plates, or even hands, right behind the cow’s or buffaloe’s rear end, the moment they saw a tail being raised, for obvious reasons. :) the dung is then mixed with some dry hay and the made into flat cakes. dry them in the open for ummm .. i think a couple of days, not sure though, and they make awesome fuel.

nothing to post. it’s .. not coming. my insides, are at peace. :) dunno if that’s good or bad. stillness, imitating death .. :) death is good, if its’ not painful. esp for lazy people like me. me, someone who’s still using the broken pair o glasses cos it’s still usable, cos i don’t wanna be going wherever it is i’ll have to go to get a nouveau pair.. :)

saw a nice movie today in the morning. (dunno why they show all nice movies in the morning when i have to go to work. bah!) ‘PS! I Love You.’ it finished on a nice note, in a beautiful place in ireland, a kinda location where i wanna spend the rest of my days in, lazying about even more. it made me smile, that ending. :) i like watching such movies, meeting such people, having such b’fasts, that leave me with a smile .. :) hmmm… good sex rarely leaves one with a smile (the kinda smile i’m talking about), a lingering memory of a soft, sweet (softly sweet) kiss does … mmmm .. :) m smiling again . :)

hmmm … i can talk about the dream i had last night. i saw two people, one of them was me, though which one, i don’t know. this man, and this woman, both completely naked, making love (no, not having sex, it was definitely love) on the surface of this moon-like planet, don’t know how far into space. and we were even being very careful about the falling meteors and/or volcanic eruptions.

and then i am in this house (on earth, most probably, as i can only see the interior, which is like any reg (city) house on earth) and cy’s by my side, and i am having a baby. so this baby comes out, all flat, and now i am waiting for it to get inflated somehow, which it does after a while. and then cy and i check, and it is a boy … and then some other things happened .. it was long, nice dream .. :)

i wud’v, if i cud’v,
held on tight,
with all my might.
but i saw,
that look of revulsion in ur eye ..
that one damned day,
when u din lie ..

kahaan gaye vo din
vo thandi, meethi raatein
dheerey se jab guzarti thee dopahar
poori shaam hoti thee baatein

jab yoon hee kabhi khayalo mein
aata thaa tumhara chehra
saheliyan khil-khil ke hansti thee
munn hota thaa behra

kuchh waisey hee din they
anokhey, ajeeb, bahut pyarey
jab dheerey-dheerey bin kuchh kahey
mein paas ayee thee tumharey

wo guzarey they kuchh pal
jo tumhaari bahon mein
samay key saath wo beh gaye
gum ho gaye, sooney chaurahon mein

kitni alag thee wo duniya
alag hee aasman thaa
jab tumney baahon mein le ke
kuchh na kaha thaa

kuchh bhi to nahi hai ab
ek halki, bhooli-bisri tanhayee hai
us guzri umr kee
fir halki see yaad ayee hai

i was
contemplating
ok
so dats
dat then
what now
happen
would

when you
went
between those legs
raised your head
and said
mmmmm
you taste good

languish
in this jail
of no walls
just … air
cos
u
is all
u have
no one
2 share
the sweet
hot
breath
u inhale
no, no
exhale
that
exits ur lips
n just disappears
it languishes too
does not linger
how u intended
it
2
on the sweet
wet
lips
of a lover

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there is no compensation
of love (read lust) denied
who needs
a “substitute”
not i
for i
i
i have
ventured
and conquered
the mighty
and
the meek(s)
don’t “compensate” me
for i don’t
need
just
want
what
i want
so don’t
don’t “compensate” me

****************************************

yes, these are the kinda chats i have sometimes .. hehehehehe!! :-]

o reader
o reader
stop peering
stop looking
you are
trying in vain
there’s nothing
to read here
the pages
are empty
some torn
some faded
there were
some scratches
scribblings
but now all’s
gone
it went
in the rain

2 b contd..

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just discovered twitter supports hindi font, so got inspired .. :)

din khatam hua, taarey chamkey
ab bus ik chaand kee baari hai
meethee geelee yaadon mein simat ke
soney kee tayyari hai

ye kya kiya, kya bata diya
ab dil rukey, na ye umgliuyan (this refers only to typing :) you naughty kids)
sapney khardey darwaazey par
ye kya bekari hai

na tum kuchh kehna
mein bhi chup rahungi
saansey thami
bus aankhon kee maramaari hai

P.S.

arrey ussey baithey kyun batiyatey ho
bhago
usla naam mahamari hai

:-)

love is, when she slides into ur arms and sings the tune you’ve been humming in ur mind. :)

it actually happened today. i was humming this song, in my mind, all through the morning, and in the shower, and when i came out and was moisturizing myself. and then i went to the bed and woke her up, my li’l darling, and she came in my lap, and we loved a little, and hugged a little, and kissed a little, and then she looked into my eyes with so much love and sang that one line, the one i had been humming in my mind all morning.

i was so … overwhelmed .. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VR-9L3fmhg&feature=related

if i didn’t care

If I didn’t care more than words can say
If I didn’t care would I feel this way?
If this isn’t love then why do I thrill?
And what makes my head go ’round and ’round
While my heart stands still?

If I didn’t care would it be the same?
Would my ev’ry prayer begin and end with just your name?
And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?
Would all this be true if I didn’t care for you?

MONOLOGUE: If I didn’t care honey child, mo’ than words can say. If I didn’t
care baby, would I feel this way? Darlin’ if this isn’t love, then why do I thrill so
much? What is it that makes my head go ’round and ’round while my heart just stands
still so much ?

If I didn’t care would it be the same?
Would my ev’ry prayer begin and end with just your name?
And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?
Would all this be true if I didn’t care for you?