but first, some food for thought. south indian guys: do they all come only in the mouth? hmmm…
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so last evening, when on my way to meet a friend, i was thinking about this new theory i have been kind of formulating. it starts with the not much pondered over cliche, ’sex is overrated’. just that, it’s not only a cliche, but a universal truth. in life, i have lost (or rather lost touch with) a lot of guys, with whom there was a big potential of it (whatever that is that existed between us) turning into a beautiful … well, for the lack of a better expression, friendship. but they were (always) in so much .. intense hurry, to have sex, that we just did it, and the thing just popped and interests were lost, alternative paths to walk were chosen, long night “deep”, “meaningful” talks, and fun movies were forgotten and then suddenly it’s been six months and we haven’t even talked, we stop calling, stop talking, stop sharing, and that’s the close of that chapter then. whereas, if we hadn’t had sex, we could’ve gone on discussing the meaning of life, and this existence, and how beautiful it felt to open the heart and just pour all contents out into this huge bowl kept on the table.

i have tried explaining this (and provided real-life examples too) to many, but at the end of it all, all discussions, all debates, it all ends with “come to me now” and then we don’t even see each other any more. human civilization, our evolution, our current ‘intelligent’ existence has to mean more than that. has to …

so, last evening, when on my way to meet a friend, i had this thought. let me put it down here, just as it occurred to me, “OH MY GOD! it wasn’t eve who did it .. the whole temptation thing. for all we know, poor eve was just sitting there under the apple tree, merrily eating an apple, and then she saw a snake, and got curious, and bended over to see which hole the snake slithered into. and then without losing a moment, adam–who might’ve been lingering about, aimlessly (and of course not knowing what he was doing) staring at eve’s breast–just jumped and mounted eve. and that was that. and when asked blamed it all on some poor lost snake, and eve.”

generally speaking (of course exceptions are always there) when in a “heavenly garden”, when both adam and eve are having fun, exploring the green lawns, plucking fruits, running about, sitting under the cool shade of some tree, talking about how wonderful the sky looked, and how beautifully the birds sang, who is it who suddenly gets a hard-on and wants to fuck, plainly speaking. not eve. think about it …

history has been wronged. it might have been herstory after all … her tragic story …

And yes I’ve been bad
Doctor won’t you do with me what you can
You see i think about it all the time
Twenty four seven
.
.
there’s nothing here but flesh and bone
there’s nothing more
nothing more
.
.
~Outside, GM

ah, this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7HcWPDYtwI

is a testimony to the fact that i am such a loser. to share some deep, deep secretive kinda things … i had sung it to my then husband (now ex) when he didn’t want anything to do with me … of course in my ever off-key voice, as bad as i ever could sound … i .. went on, and sang it .. the complete song. could i ever have been more ridiculous, not to say pathetic (and so funny now that i think about it). and that look on his face … wow, i’ll never forget it. it was like saying (to me) that look, saying “how pathetic can you be, and i don’t even know how to react”.

wow … now that .. that look, if you have ever faced it, that look, is truly heart breaking. very definitive that was, that moment. and i’d heard a clear, distinct “KLANK!!!” then .. inside .. and i knew that that was the sound of my heart breaking. that, that was that. no turning back now. that nothing will ever be the same again now. it hurt, so bad … nothing had gone wrong, i stood, i breathed, my heart pumped blood as it always did … but … but …

even today (been 6 yrs now) this song always, always makes me cry .. i dunno why .. i guess i still am .. as always … a pathetic loser
.
.
.
… i must’ve looked so, so funny though … good that veer wasn’t there. i’d have been the butt of his jokes for all eternity then .. :)

i am not a good person. i am a very small, very petty person …

you hear a sweet tinkle
bell outside
you run out
swift as wind
panting
gushing
you look here
and then there
no
she is
nowhere
you smile
and go back in again
maintaining
with great effort
that pin drop silence
so you can hear
that tinkle
that tinkle
one more time
your gain
or
your pain
you don’t care anymore
gain
or, pain
both are now
redundant.
you feel,
in vain

the day started on a bad note today; that of regret. i had decided the previous night to wake up early, do a couple of chores before i left for work. but i kept sleeping, consciously. and then i hated the fact that there was no time for anything. that, that’s how i have been spending my life. not doing what i should have been doing. feeling terrible. hating myself. cursing myself for being such an ass, a loser, a nincompoop. a pathetic, pityful, sad … sad creature.

i feel better now though. just realized that it might be PMS .. phew!! :-) nothing to worry …

kitabon mein kya rakha hai
kitni kholi aur bund karee
zindagi ye samajh mein tab ayee
tumsey baatein jab chund karee

mushkil hai ye life
constant, consistent
strife

we go one step
at a time
one step
we go
with faith
eyes
and ears open
and a smile
one step
we go

tiring
it is
how long
how far
to go
the promise
of green
withered, wilted
long past
dry
yellow grass
hot winds
abundant
aflow

one
one
at a time
one step
we go

nothing to update today loves of my life. we’re going out for lunch today; team lunch. :) and before that there’s a meeting. so most of the day will be gone in that. and then i got so much to do. read this huge (specifications) document and then write about some stuff.

i had been looking forward to start writing something. but the flow isn’t starting. it’s not “clicking”. actually … as a matter of fact … i myself am not putting in enough effort. hmmmm….

god’s beauty lies in nature,
the trees, the earth, the air.
yet, the most beautiful sight in this world
is hands folded in prayer.

fine lines make things beautiful. acknowledging that there is a fine line, and appreciating and respecting it is a answer to a lot of questions that exasperate a human mind and lead to a lot of redundant tension. i will try and gather real-life examples of what i mean, when people forget that there is a fine line.

go on, go ahead, get high, enjoy .. but keep in mind, there is a very line line …

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08Feb10
taking your loved ones for granted, for example. there’s a line that divides that and walking all over them …

in some religion … (hinduism is it, or jainism?) they say that a woman can not attain nirvana. so if a woman has .. potential, post-death, she gets born again as a man and only then becomes eligible to attain nirvana. i have an argument in favor … :)

it’s cos, it’s rare to find a woman whose mind goes truly and completely blank, which i think, and as i hear everywhere, is a first for reaching oh so close to God/almighty/the Force. a woman, adept at multitasking as she is, finds it hard to “let go” of everything and everyone, and stop to think, to care, to love, to hate, to get angry. so she does, what nature does … she .. does; she cares, she loves, she “lets it out” when she gets angry, she cries when it hurts …

a man, on the other hand (could be sitting on the same hand also though), finds it easy to … let go. rather, that’s what he does best. it’s easy, almost natural for him to not give a … shit, or even do .. shit, even when it comes to cleaning his own shit. no really, a man, if it could be done, would rather have his ass washed/wiped by someone else while he is fiddling with the remote watching the telly, or doing something equally inane .. to keep his mind … “free of thoughts” of course …

one keeps hearing (has grown up hearing) that change is good. change is the only constant and more words to that effect.

but, is it?

in this world, in nature, nothing changes–days and nights, lives and deaths, blossoming and withering. everything happens the way it is supposed to happen, the way it is “meant” to happen. gradual change comes as a consequence. very gradual, very measured, very … predictable (if one is looking in the right places).

accepting change, is the recent human’s endeavor, to accept his (yes, his) shortcomings. his lack of forethought, planning, and smooth execution. or his lack of acceptance of a lack of plan and hence the need to just let go and flow with the universe’s rhythm. that leads to “constant (sometimes consistent) change” hence making him say (sometimes to a more intelligent, but momentarily vulnerable ’she’) … “change is good, accept it.”

today, change is good. because it’s taking you to a place of .. no change. so if something is changing, let it. not because “change is good”, but because it’s taking you closer to changelessness ..

need to be careful
where i leave my heart behind
foolishly
my faith
like love
in love
is blind

the sand dunes of your thighs
i could ski up and down
on the sands, your skin
sink in the wet quicksand
lose myself for ever

it scares me
when i look down
and i
look at my own breasts
cos then i think
of you
a possession
of possessing
and i know
that it’s a key

but then
it scares me
when i look down
i feel
i am looking down
on myself
of course i am
but that is not
what i mean
it is not
a key

it is
nothing
nothing that can
bring us close
not our bodies
but us
“connect”
our souls
our thoughts
and minds

it saddens me
that
that’s what you want
that’s one thing you want
that
you are happy
fiddling with the key
a key.

heavens lie
beyond this door
if only
you’d push enough

:)

let me close
keep away
this key
it’s pointless
redundant
why unlock
a door
that we both
don’t mean to pass

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my anger
my regrets
my smiles
my victories
my thoughts
my headaches
my second thoughts
my weaknesses
my decisions
my prides
my indecisions
my shortcomings
my musings
my expressions
my cries
my tries
i try
and forget
i do
some, i don’t
some i keep
some i let go
some
i don’t know
what to do with them
they hang
listless
my emotions
my gems

i am feeling very restless today. i wanna do something .. do something big. be a huge success, go places, earn money .. all in this one day. and tomorrow life can return to “normal”. :)

like all addicts
i stutter and stammer
and in my stuttered, stammered speech
i insist i don’t need you

like all addicts
i smile, i pretend
i laugh, i pretend
i live, i pretend
and i insist i don’t know you

like all addicts
i sit and stare
at the walls,
at the horizon
and then i crave
till i cave in
and i insist i don’t care .. about you

like all addicts
i say, no, never
i don’t need you
but i know that i am lying
i say, i know it’s killing me
that i won’t even think about you, ever
and i know that i am lying

i tell everyone
everyone who does love me
that i’ve had enough of this strife
but the truth is
i’ll never give it up
i don’t think i can
give you up
you are the cocaine of my life …

for past 2 nights (this, along with the potato dream), i have been with the same person (a mr cute guy) in my dreams (recurrent “dream” :)). how … just wow is that. the guy of my dreams … literally … hahahaha!! :) last night, in my dream of course, we were (both) getting ready to meet someone (can’t remember who), and i am just not able to shower, as in first i don’t have my shirt, then there’s something wrong with my inner wear, and then i can’t find the towel, and i am panicking that he’s going to (or he might) leave without me. and i quietly (i am undressed) open the bathroom door and step out looking for something (towel? shirt?) and just then a door at the left opens up and he steps into the room. and i quickly jump back in (so unlike me) and half-close the bathroom door, explaining. he smiles (he’s all dressed and ready to go), settles his bum on the bed and starts to show me this dark purple feathered long wrap-around-the-neck kinda thing. (i know now where that came from, from my consciousness. over the weekend i had bought a christmas, shiny, decoration strip thing just like that for cy’s school.) anyways, he was showing me that and saying that he’ll gift it to the girl who’s house he was taking me to .. and i woke up. ** sigh ** :) we didn’t hold hands, or kiss, or squeeze .. tonight .. maybe .. ** sigh ** :)

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my tummy has been feeling very weird for past some days, many days maybe. might be all those mirchi bajjis (it’s like a mirchi bada, but without the potato) i had been consuming. just love those things. who would’ve thought that i’ll ever put a live, grenade of a green chillie in my mouth. but to be honest, these are those thick, fat ones, not very pungent, but just flavorful green chillies … and they out of this world. :)

so today i am trying to avoid food. ravaging a crunchy, juicy apple … and i think i am hungry .. hmmm …

and my back is hurting today .. lower back

in my dream last night, i saw a potato, peeled and cut in half, grumbling about how now it’ll be boiled over and over again, and maybe even fried. i wonder if the dream has a significance, or a message.