god’s beauty lies in nature,
the trees, the earth, the air.
yet, the most beautiful sight in this world
is hands folded in prayer.

fine lines make things beautiful. acknowledging that there is a fine line, and appreciating and respecting it is a answer to a lot of questions that exasperate a human mind and lead to a lot of redundant tension. i will try and gather real-life examples of what i mean, when people forget that there is a fine line.

go on, go ahead, get high, enjoy .. but keep in mind, there is a very line line …

_______________________________________________________________________________________

08Feb10
taking your loved ones for granted, for example. there’s a line that divides that and walking all over them …

in some religion … (hinduism is it, or jainism?) they say that a woman can not attain nirvana. so if a woman has .. potential, post-death, she gets born again as a man and only then becomes eligible to attain nirvana. i have an argument in favor … :)

it’s cos, it’s rare to find a woman whose mind goes truly and completely blank, which i think, and as i hear everywhere, is a first for reaching oh so close to God/almighty/the Force. a woman, adept at multitasking as she is, finds it hard to “let go” of everything and everyone, and stop to think, to care, to love, to hate, to get angry. so she does, what nature does … she .. does; she cares, she loves, she “lets it out” when she gets angry, she cries when it hurts …

a man, on the other hand (could be sitting on the same hand also though), finds it easy to … let go. rather, that’s what he does best. it’s easy, almost natural for him to not give a … shit, or even do .. shit, even when it comes to cleaning his own shit. no really, a man, if it could be done, would rather have his ass washed/wiped by someone else while he is fiddling with the remote watching the telly, or doing something equally inane .. to keep his mind … “free of thoughts” of course …

one keeps hearing (has grown up hearing) that change is good. change is the only constant and more words to that effect.

but, is it?

in this world, in nature, nothing changes–days and nights, lives and deaths, blossoming and withering. everything happens the way it is supposed to happen, the way it is “meant” to happen. gradual change comes as a consequence. very gradual, very measured, very … predictable (if one is looking in the right places).

accepting change, is the recent human’s endeavor, to accept his (yes, his) shortcomings. his lack of forethought, planning, and smooth execution. or his lack of acceptance of a lack of plan and hence the need to just let go and flow with the universe’s rhythm. that leads to “constant (sometimes consistent) change” hence making him say (sometimes to a more intelligent, but momentarily vulnerable ’she’) … “change is good, accept it.”

today, change is good. because it’s taking you to a place of .. no change. so if something is changing, let it. not because “change is good”, but because it’s taking you closer to changelessness ..

need to be careful
where i leave my heart behind
foolishly
my faith
like love
in love
is blind

the sand dunes of your thighs
i could ski up and down
on the sands, your skin
sink in the wet quicksand
lose myself for ever

it scares me
when i look down
and i
look at my own breasts
cos then i think
of you
a possession
of possessing
and i know
that it’s a key

but then
it scares me
when i look down
i feel
i am looking down
on myself
of course i am
but that is not
what i mean
it is not
a key

it is
nothing
nothing that can
bring us close
not our bodies
but us
“connect”
our souls
our thoughts
and minds

it saddens me
that
that’s what you want
that’s one thing you want
that
you are happy
fiddling with the key
a key.

heavens lie
beyond this door
if only
you’d push enough

:)

let me close
keep away
this key
it’s pointless
redundant
why unlock
a door
that we both
don’t mean to pass

********************************************************************************************

my anger
my regrets
my smiles
my victories
my thoughts
my headaches
my second thoughts
my weaknesses
my decisions
my prides
my indecisions
my shortcomings
my musings
my expressions
my cries
my tries
i try
and forget
i do
some, i don’t
some i keep
some i let go
some
i don’t know
what to do with them
they hang
listless
my emotions
my gems

i am feeling very restless today. i wanna do something .. do something big. be a huge success, go places, earn money .. all in this one day. and tomorrow life can return to “normal”. :)

like all addicts
i stutter and stammer
and in my stuttered, stammered speech
i insist i don’t need you

like all addicts
i smile, i pretend
i laugh, i pretend
i live, i pretend
and i insist i don’t know you

like all addicts
i sit and stare
at the walls,
at the horizon
and then i crave
till i cave in
and i insist i don’t care .. about you

like all addicts
i say, no, never
i don’t need you
but i know that i am lying
i say, i know it’s killing me
that i won’t even think about you, ever
and i know that i am lying

i tell everyone
everyone who does love me
that i’ve had enough of this strife
but the truth is
i’ll never give it up
i don’t think i can
give you up
you are the cocaine of my life …

for past 2 nights (this, along with the potato dream), i have been with the same person (a mr cute guy) in my dreams (recurrent “dream” :)). how … just wow is that. the guy of my dreams … literally … hahahaha!! :) last night, in my dream of course, we were (both) getting ready to meet someone (can’t remember who), and i am just not able to shower, as in first i don’t have my shirt, then there’s something wrong with my inner wear, and then i can’t find the towel, and i am panicking that he’s going to (or he might) leave without me. and i quietly (i am undressed) open the bathroom door and step out looking for something (towel? shirt?) and just then a door at the left opens up and he steps into the room. and i quickly jump back in (so unlike me) and half-close the bathroom door, explaining. he smiles (he’s all dressed and ready to go), settles his bum on the bed and starts to show me this dark purple feathered long wrap-around-the-neck kinda thing. (i know now where that came from, from my consciousness. over the weekend i had bought a christmas, shiny, decoration strip thing just like that for cy’s school.) anyways, he was showing me that and saying that he’ll gift it to the girl who’s house he was taking me to .. and i woke up. ** sigh ** :) we didn’t hold hands, or kiss, or squeeze .. tonight .. maybe .. ** sigh ** :)

***************************************************************************************

my tummy has been feeling very weird for past some days, many days maybe. might be all those mirchi bajjis (it’s like a mirchi bada, but without the potato) i had been consuming. just love those things. who would’ve thought that i’ll ever put a live, grenade of a green chillie in my mouth. but to be honest, these are those thick, fat ones, not very pungent, but just flavorful green chillies … and they out of this world. :)

so today i am trying to avoid food. ravaging a crunchy, juicy apple … and i think i am hungry .. hmmm …

and my back is hurting today .. lower back

in my dream last night, i saw a potato, peeled and cut in half, grumbling about how now it’ll be boiled over and over again, and maybe even fried. i wonder if the dream has a significance, or a message.

it’s going bad again .. all bad .. everything. i have been feeling so .. shitty. sometimes i feel i’d rather just kill myself .. than go to the dentist .. again. ** sigh ** how depressing it is .. again. all over again .. those injections in the gums, the thin needles in your teeth, a sudden burst of this .. excruciating pain after having been assured by the doc that you won’t feel anything. ahhh!!! … i can’t … i can’t … oh ma .. i so wanna cry ..

if bad goes to worse, i will go see cyra’s dentist here in hyd. i liked him, and only pedodontists check teeth the way every dentist should, with some respect to the person lying, with a gaping mouth, underneath their sharp, potentially fatal tools.

.. and my eye-sights going. i wear glasses for clear vision of distant objects and tv/computer/cinema. a couple of nights back the book i was reading (half lying) suddenly came closer to the eyes while i maneuvered a turn trying to remain withing the sheet limits, and voila, the words turned hazy. that left me very sad indeed, ** sigh **

on a different note, i thoroughly enjoyed chetan bhagat’s new book ‘2 states’ (not of being silly), and i’d got it for only rs 95, or rs 195. one of those, but so bloody worth it. on the other hand, this other book i am reading now ‘past continuous’, by neel mukherjee, doesn’t seem worth it. his writing’s not bad, but it’s not worth it for rs 500. would have enjoyed it if i’d bought it for rs 250 or some such. but still, might think differently once i have finished it. will update this space in case i do change my opinion after finishing it.

Aries - Dunno
Taurus - Not sure; maybe
Gemini - No
Cancer - No
Leo - No
Virgo - No
Libra - NO
Scorpio - Might
Sagittarius - Might (..though most saggi guys i’ve met have problems staying loyal to their partner)
Capricorn - No
Aquarius - Dunno
Pisces - Think not

________________________________________________________________________________________

it’ll make an interesting read .. a write on my days here in Hyd; not that they have come to an end–nowhere near it. if only i can make myself sit down and do it. here, in this transitory place; this abode that relaxes, but lets not rest. the way i am relaxed in this unrest. this knowledge that i am not home, but yet my heart is here, with me, tucked in safely. it would definitely make an interesting read, if i can write, what in this moment, i cannot. i feel not .. hmmm …

i don’t want to remain a half, or 1/3rd, or some such. and i don’t want an equally incomplete someone to come and “click” and voila .. we have an illusion of completeness. i want to be complete. a complete .. whatever. and i want to meet another complete .. whatever; and live happily :) even if for a few moments.

put this up as a comment on FB in response to a friend’s status message; liked it, hence putting it up here:

i stand where i find myself.
i find that i don’t bind myself.
but when i do, i don’t mind myself.
i follow the universe; i am blind myself … :)

what do i say
there’s nothing really
words do not come to my mind
what do i write
my mind is blank
my imagination, it seems, has gone blind

i can stay quiet
for a good long time
i can sit and not move
for long
maybe i’m just getting
lazier than ever
my joy, my happiness
there’s a sweet breeze, but no song

my eyes look tired
there’s no bounce in my walk
i don’t rush
i move slowly instead
but i am not sad
there is no bitterness
i feel … just ok,
maybe it’s my muse
my muse is dead

fiction:
on the 5th day of the slightly wintry, sunny month of november, Y looked up at the sky and felt at peace. the deep, blue, inky sky was sparsely dotted with white cotton puff clouds. some balled up, some thinly stretched .. like young, healthy individuals stretching and yawning on a soft carpet of comfort. looking up at that expanse of happiness made her feel good. it made her forget her present, her past, her pains. she took a deep, wholesome breath in and a smile broke on her face, all on its own. her eyes shone and her face got splashed with a holy cheer. it could wait, the events in her life, the little miseries constantly pricking her indomitable happiness; it could all wait. this moment she will just enjoy. feel happy, and enjoy; this moment, the sky, this morning, and this breeze, the universe’s personal gift to her today. she let out a soft thank you, and walked on.

the other day i was thinking about alimony. i don’t agree with the fundamental idea, of having someone else to pay for your life. esp when women ask for alimony, at the same time maintaining that we have reached a whole new era of women liberation and stuff, again esp., in the cities and such. of course i find ridiculous the idea of a guy asking for money from the rich wife after divorce. it’s a big thing, in the west apparently, where the women are (apparently/supposedly) all the more “independent”. then why expect someone, esp a person who you most probably don’t even like anymore, to pay for your life, your things, your clothes. or maybe that’s exactly why. you don’t like that person and you want him to pay. that’s sounds reasonable enough.

for me a divorce is an end to all things mutual. two people, who were together, are not together anymore, and they go their separate ways. marriage shouldn’t be all binding .. then that would be like a punishment. that no matter what, go through it. that’s not, i feel, how it should be. if at some point in life, a person feels that she/he is not able to, or does not want to go ahead with it, she/he should have the option to back out, or rather, get out of it. after all, as they say, this life is all we’ve got. it shouldn’t be wasted, this precious commodity, just because you promised your life to someone 10-15 yrs back. and the other person too … should relent. they should let the other person go, preferably without any hassles. what’s the point. why would one want to live with a person, who given a chance, would rather live with someone, or someplace else.

… you never cared, didn’t even notice that it was floating around. so eventually it just floated back to me. my poor heart. and now it’s back home, sleeping cozily, all curled up in warmth and love, content and at peace. you say you want it back? oh well, i can’t help anymore. it has a mind of its own, the silly goose. it’s happy where it’s at now, and just won’t budge. you seen it, you tried … wouldn’t move right? yes, it doesn’t move now .. :)

i don’t know when it will … though i hope to heavens it does .. :)

you came into my life
and started softly humming
your presence into my world
was introduced with a murmur

a murmur that turned
my heartbeat into a drumming
and before i knew it
i had started to sta a a a mmmmmer

ab tum jo ho yahan
aur kuchh nahi chahiye
tum suraj merey, merey chand
o merey sohney mahiye

o merey sohney mahiye
aur kuchh nahi chahiye
ab to bus sun le aye khuda
bahon mein bahein payeeye ..

tum ta ra rum pum pum pum pum
la la la la la de da da