Kyoon paana chahti hoon
Mein kya paana chahti hoon
Sochna to kab ka
Jab sadiyon pehley
Tumney ye dil
Kyoon paana chahti hoon
Mein kya paana chahti hoon
Sochna to kab ka
Jab sadiyon pehley
Tumney ye dil
First, this write-up does not discourage people from being in a relationship, or encourage single living. What is encouraged is realising whether you are in a “healthy” relationship or if it’s eroding you from the inside. If it is killing you slowly, then yes, moving away from it is encouraged and single life recommended.
Sorry my loved ones. My days normally tend to start in the evenings, so my “Valentine’s Day” starts now. :) I remember the first time I had heard about Valentine’s Day; I was in grade 9. A friend called up and wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day; and I had asked what is it.
Love, is something that has intrigued me, since my early teens (not anymore though, it doesn’t “intrigue” me anymore). As a teenager, I did not really believe in it, and quite made fun of those around claiming to be a pair. I remember boasting that I am never going to marry, as a child, as a teenager, which, some my aunts used to make fun of; all girls say that…heeheehee. And even as a child, I always had a doll, not a girly doll, but a baby doll that I used to pretend to be a mommy of. Funny, how it all turned out. :) I remember strongly arguing with a friend of mine once, in my first job in my early 20s, how a dad is not really required (the friend was arguing that a child needs both the parents for a healthy growth). My point being that what any child requires, growing up, is complete love and support and it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Of course, it’s great if both the parents are there, together, happily together, but it’s not imperative for a healthy growth.
Just what I feel about being in a relationship. Notice that I have not used the word love. A lot of times we tend to equate romantic love with love. We need love to live well, not necessarily romantic love, or being in a relationship with someone. Of course, it will be great if there is someone, someone to love, someone to share stuff with, someone to care about, someone that cares back; but it is not imperative. It is a bonus, like being born a gazillionaire, but it’s ok if we do not have a lot of money; we can be live happily ever after without that too.
Look around you, look a little beyond your immediate circle of good friends. Look at life, people, in general. Couples fight, couples bicker, couples are miserable. A lot of couples get together for many not-right reasons. For me, the only reason to be together with someone is if you love them, no other reason suffices. The most common being, ‘I don’t wanna be alone’, or, ‘I am lonely’. That is one of the worst reasons to get married, or be in a relationship with someone, for my loves, it is a selfish reason, and in love, it is never a good thing to be selfish. That is where, or how, the misery starts, then fights. We start with selfish reasons and then we go on being selfish, until there is no ‘us’ left, but just a ‘you’ and ‘me’. Remember, there is never a separate you or me in love, in a loving relationship; there is always ‘us’, one single unit.
Learn to live alone; learn to stay alone and stay happy, then go out and go ahead and find someone who is also happy being with their own selves. Two grown-up, fully mature people come together and create a mature, loving, healthy love relationship. Have you seen people totally in love and togetherness; how they rarely fight (no, fighting is not a part of being in a relationship; get over it)? Not only do they rarely fight, they are good, complete, wholesome, successful individuals within themselves, by themselves. Because not only they are mature, happy people who tend to make the right decisions and live good, happy lives; their partners (if they have one) adds value to their lives, and vice versa, thus both adding positively to each other’s lives and well-being. Of course, that is an ideal situation, a little fight does happen, among everyone, that is natural. But if you are fighting quite regularly, something is wrong, get away, take time out, take stock of the situation. Your love partner adds on to your life, good things. When you think of them, you should have a small on your face, a loving, sweet smile, not a frown, or worry lines on your forehead.
I have rarely seen such couples; there aren’t many around me. Couples that actually, complete each other. I feel that it is rare, and very lucky, for someone to find true (romantic) love, a love that makes you truly blossom, and makes you a better person. Like I said, it is rare, and very lucky, to be born a gazillionaire, or find a huge fortune and live a life of crazy luxury, not caring one bit about the environment. But that does not make the rest of us, the non-rich folk, from living a good, happy, peaceful, content, satisfied life. The same with love; we are lucky, we will find it, but don’t let that be the pinnacle of a happy life for you.
Learn to live, happily ever after, with yourself, first. Whatever else needs to come, will come. Let’s make this world better, one happy person at a time. :)
My dear friend, Mukta, and I, we talk a lot…we love to talk, and discuss, and sometimes argue, in a…controlled, very grown-up fashion. Now some may just feel that we are so full of just hot air, it’s ok, go ahead, make mazaak, make mucho mazaak, and once you’ve had a belly-full of laugh, take a deep breath, and read on.
My dear friend, Mukta, and I, of late have been talking a lot about Anger. We’ve both had anger issue; I..ahem…not so much…ahem…of course. And I tend to attract people, in my life, with anger issues. It means I need to deal with such issues within myself first…which of course I never get to, cos’ I honestly believe that I am perfect. Oh well…
So, my dear friend, Mukta, and I, we were talking, and thinking about Anger…where does it emanate from? What generates it? What gives it shape? What color it may be? Does it have a smell? What makes it erupt in a person, like a volcano, scorching everything in its blast radius. People get affected deeply by anger; the one that is angry, and the ones that are in the blast range of the bursting, raging, anger.
First up, let’s chalk out, erase, the reasons related to health, physical or mental, that may cause anger. Certain diseases, or mental imbalances. That is (more/somewhat) understandable. We will not discuss those here. Then there are some good, very valid reasons of getting angry; for example, someone slaps me real hard, for no reason, or call my mother names, for which there is never a good reason. It’s completely uncalled for. It had happened to me once. I got slapped. I had recently made friends with this person, who was friends with no one in class, in college; I think it was 2nd year. So this one time, we were sitting on the bus stand, waiting for the bus, and I noticed that she looked upset. I asked her what was wrong, she didn’t say anything, but just looked away. I asked her a couple of times more, and then suddenly, she turned towards me, and slapped me real hard, without uttering a word. That didn’t make me angry though; I was shocked, at first, I then felt very hurt. I never spoke to her again. She remained friendless for the entire time she was in college, at least in college, from what I could see.
A lot of times anger is genetical, or in the spiritual sense, baggage of the lineage. Many angry people have angry backgrounds, or backgrounds that make ripe grounds for anger and such related emotions to form and erupt. Fear is a reigning ingredient. It could be anything, fear of rejection (by the society or an individual), fear of falling short of expectations, fear of being found-out who one really is…sometimes, well, most-times it is not just one fear. As is the case with fears, they brings along to the party, a rather large entourage. A lot of fears get together to form a conglomerate of dense anger. Fear of not being in control (of a situation, or person) makes many people very angry. And sometimes it’s just a technique to keep things in control. I know someone who loses it like it’s no one’s business, and snaps, and shouts, and scares people. People listen to him. I don’t know if they respect him, or love him, maybe they do; but I know for sure that they fear him, and then behave. He gets things done, each time, every time. I tried talking to that person about it, and very calmly he explained that he does it purely to stay…well…above everyone. And to my surprise, it worked, it works. I am really nice to people, polite, sweet…but a lot times I am not able to get things done; to get some work done in offices, for example, or in shops if I feel I had been cheated and I wish to return something. But him, he walks in, and people…straighten up, and seem so ready to serve him. He’s got this violent, aggressive, ‘I-am-your-daddy-and-I-own-you-bitch’ aura that I so admire.
Sometimes, anger exuberates authority. Many fathers I know are like that. Who use anger to stay in complete control. Instilling fear in the subjects becomes a way to establish authoritarian rule. Kids run away from such fathers, listen to them, shiver when the mother threatens to tell on them. Which, I don’t think is a good thing at all. A father, I believe, should be loving and supportive, and a child should never fear to approach a father, for anything.
Or, many a times, it’s a response to shattered expectations, a broken heart maybe (another form of shattered expectations). You broke my heart, I am going to break everyone else’s; I am going to break this world. And thus a life is spent in bitter anger and sometimes hate. Or a broken arm, or leg, a broken, hurt ego most of all. That could leave one very angry.
It’s important to understand where the anger is coming from, and it’s very important to objectify it, and then place it correctly. If need be, take it out, on whom you need to take it out, sparing others around you, who don’t deserve it, sparing your own, precious self. Anger is an intense, dense, rotting emotion. If you allow it to rule you, it’d rule you life, your relationships, and most of all, your mental, physical, and spiritual health. It could affect your next life too if you believe in one. Don’t let it.
Understand the alchemy of your anger, and you will be better able to control it, and steer it in the right direction.
Meet everything with a smile; every heart break, heart ache, annoying people, anger-inducing situations, esp anger-inducing situations. Smile and keep calm. Do that and you will clearly see the lesson you are supposed to learn from that situation or person.
Sometimes, it’s not your destruction that you are moving towards, but your destiny…
There is such a thing as a safe space for everyone. It’s us, or someone from within us that creates the unsafe place. So, for those elements, that create the unsafe place, should all of us tale the blame, as they, those elements, are a part of us?
I used to think it’s too complicated. But now I don’t think it is. I think it is simple, much simpler; we just make it complicated. Things were better, when we were all ruled by a monarchy. I agree, not all monarchs have been good. But under the ones that were good, there was peace and true prosperity all over. But since democracy, we have not only screwed up our own individual selves, but also the world, the environment, everything. Democracy, is for people who have grown up. Mature, sorted out individuals who can take decisions for themselves and also for those around them. Democracy is for responsible people, not for people like us.
We are small children, all of us, always fight, or ready to fight. We can’t handle democracy; we can’t handle truth. We are children whose parents have disappeared and now we are all just going crazy destroying our home.
How do I keep it simple; I have a lot of complicated shit to do. The lies are so pretty, and they so sweetly bat their pretty eyelids, they seem so true. And then when I take a deep, deep, drag in, pretending to practice Pranayam; in that true moment, with those lies, I honestly, most genuinely, breath in, keep it in, and then slowly breath out. All that thick white cloud, carrying all that is bad inside of me, out. Or so it seems, and it satisfies me. And so with a lunatic mind, I sit a present sane rationales, of all that there is, and why isn’t there, what should be.
I haven’t yet figured out why the video wouldn’t play right here. Until I do, I will just keep uploading the videos here. Sorry.
Also, the voice goes off a couple of times. I was playing with the earphones plug while recording, not realising that every time I took it out, the voice went off. But it’s ok, doesn’t affect the fundamental message much. :)
ok, tried. couldn’t. exceeds size. hmmm…
Ok, so I want it to play here, in this window, but it isn’t playing here, but gets downloaded. I will go find out why.
Sometimes, I don’t think that wanting to kill oneself is a kind of a mental illness. Sometimes, you just wanna do what you wanna do. And people who insist that it’s an illness are just people who want to stay here, in this highly restrictive world, and who just want to impose their desire and belief on to everyone else. They are just scared of the…unknown.
On a different note, sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and think about how beautiful I am. Well, I think that all the time, as in, I do not consciously, continuously keep thinking about myself, it’s just something I have always known, or been confident about. But sometimes I feel that just a bit extra, like wow, like I look at myself and I feel that I can keep looking, for ever.
I have always had a kind of a celebrity complex; hell, I even used to give (imaginary) interviews, in my teens, walking down the street (walking my dog Suzy), pretending to be surrounded by paparazzi. :) And sometimes I feel very awkward when I am meeting a guy, for an evening out, or dinner, or date or some such, not knowing how to act normal cos’ of course I do not know how to act normal sitting right across a commoner. Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Yes, I know I have some serious problems…hmmm…heeheehee… :D
I am learning patience, to be patient. It’s coming slowly, but I know that I am on the right track. I still jump and scream, cos being highly impulsive comes naturally to me, well, it is me…but I am learning to keep it under control, a bit. A bit at a time, every time. :)
For those who believe in guardian angels; do not depend on them; on your respective guardian angel(s). They are there. Yup! They ARE there, but only to nudge you (and they can manage only a teensy-weensy bit); not to “make things happen” for you. That you need to do on your own. You can!!
On another note:
ye zindagi ko
kya aag laga liya
agarbatti samajh ke
phulljhadi jala liya
Stupidity annoys me in people. I love it in dogs and puppies, but in people it annoys me crazy. So much that a lot of times I stop seeing reason and forget that the person is right after-all, based on their (current) levels of knowledge or information.
Why does it annoy me so? I have tried to analyse it. One side of the argument could be that somewhere deep down, I see myself as a pretty stupid person; and that annoys me. And when I see that behaviour, reflected in someone, an image of my own stupid self, it enrages me. So the anger is towards me, myself, not the other person, though the other person may suffer it’s ill effects.
Or maybe, simply, I am not as tolerant as I’d like myself to be. I am just not able to comprehend (accept) how stupid the other person could be.
I need to work on that more…anger issues…are still lurking in there, somewhere… :)
but it’s mine
ever kill it
I want to live by the sea…
Complex (biological) organisms have complex internal structures; all sorts of cells, proteins, amino-acids, neurons, a gazillion things working together. Simpler ones have simpler bodies and other internal mechanisms. We also have single-celled life forms.
In the same way, I feel, the more complex a life, as in full of complications and problems and troubles, the more wholesome it is, for lack of a better word that is evading me right now; or more “higher”. It’s a “higher” form of life, for it’s giving us (soul) beings more opportunities to experience (different things) and learn and grow and evolve; which is why we have come here in the first place.
That’s one way to look at it.
the child that i am
the child in me
the treasure trove
nothing i want
i am ready
for grown-up love
We are all easy to cry; the women in my family. And, we are all strong. We are strong, and easy to cry women; and I am proud of us; us all. My mother, my sister, my daughter, yes, my own self too.
Here’s to all of us.
Correction: No, not my daughter, not easy to cry.
yes, life is just
her, or his own
there’s so much love
around. just not any
within my reach
and the inside
in different directions
to be pulled apart
I have a theory. Most smart people are skinny, but most skinny people are not smart. Most skinny people are healthy, but most healthy people are not skinny. Hmmm??