It’s titled ‘Girls, go get a pair…’
We all keep shouting equal rights but I am not sure if we all know what that means. It means feeling equal in your heart. It means standing up and giving your seat in the bus or train to that old man, or pregnant woman.
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I had a kind of a revelation the other night. I was alone wandering around an inter-state bus terminus, of a not so small Indian city, waiting for my bus. I soon noticed a man, in his late twenties or early thirties maybe, hovering around. I had noticed him earlier too, when I was walking towards the bus terminus from where the small shared auto-taxi had dropped me, crossing a very dark road along with a bunch of people gathered together to cross over to the other side of the road. He had tried to come close and whisper something in my ear; I was focusing on the road and didn’t hear, or care, what he had said.
I went and sat on a bench near where my bus was supposed to arrive and he came and perched himself on an opposite bench, a little away, seemingly talking into his mobile phone, and staring at me. As always, I wanted to avoid a confrontation, so I got up, walked around, got myself a little snack and went and sat a distance away. He came over and now sat just a couple of meters away, still talking on the phone, looking at me. I looked directly into his eyes, he seemed to start to smile and say something, but before he could, I, in a very angry, animal voice, semi-shouted at him that I am gonna break his face, in the local language. He looked a bit perplexed, got up, and started walking away. And as he did, I threw a couple more abuses and threats, something about breaking all his teeth. And I realized how it was different from other times I shouted at guys, and effective. Normally I just ask, like why are you staring? Or what did you say? This time, the slight difference of I don’t care what you did or said, I’m just gonna break your face made all the difference. And it felt good, as always. :)
As I always advice, girls, it always helps to get angry and pissed off and act accordingly. If some random asshole is being a gunda, you be a bigger gunda.
bus, baithey rahey
kuchh kiya nahi
kuchh-kuchh to sochtey
aur yoonhi zindagi
zindagi ko khojatey
I do some freelance work aajkal, for eLearning companies. One of them wanted to assess if I am capable enough. This “write-up” was part of that “test”. :)
Well, rather I should say, writing, or Instructional Design, chose me. I was in my early twenties, and having worked in some not-so-very satisfying marketing-related jobs, I took up art; painting to be specific. I had always sketched, since my very early teens. Although I had dabbled somewhat with paints, I had never really focused on it completely. And so I started initiating myself into the world of painting. I got books from the library on the basics of painting and took help from a couple of painter friends. I took up water colors and quite enjoyed myself as I saw the images in my mind, or the objects on the table, come to a colorful life on paper, and quite successfully. Yes, I decided—those were the times when I still believed that my decisions mattered in this universe—that I will be a painter, henceforth. Computers had just about started trickling into the lives of regular people. We had one at home; I started dabbling with (MS) Paint, and again, thoroughly enjoyed myself. I created a lot of digital painting around that time.
Having had no formal training in Art, or illustration-making, I started applying for entry-level positions for graphic design. As fate would have it, NIIT, a leading, rather I must say, the pioneer at those times in eLearning advertised that they were looking for some fresh meat. Merrily I went, loaded with my sketches and a jest for life, dressed shabbily and my long hair braided in two long braids on each side of my greased head. Quite an “artist” I must say, haan? Oh well, as part of a rather lengthy assessment process that took all day, they made me “create” an illustration using MS Paint, apart from a zillion other tests and some sketches. And then, for some weird reason a person came up to me and asked if I’d like to sit for a writing test too, for writers. I said yes. And the rest, as they say, is history.
To be honest, I wasn’t completely unfamiliar with (creative) writing. Along with sketching and art-work, I had been an avid writer and quite a poet, if I have to say so myself. Easier to say it now because it’s as if I am talking about someone else. Someone who had a small book (diary) full of poems by the time I had started college; handwritten. I have quite lost that now; can’t rhyme to save my life now.
Once I started as an Instructional Designer/writer, there was no looking back for me. The work satiated me at multiple levels; the projects I had the opportunity to work on, at that time, provided an outflow both to the creative artist inside of me and also to the writer. It was as if Instructional Design (writing for training/learning material) crept quietly up to me and held my hand, and I offered no resistance, and soon fell in love with it. It turned out to be a match made in heaven. :)
hmmm…i sooo wanna lick that lolly…slurppppp!!!
top to baseum kama sutram…
A couple of times I came across this poster-like image on Facebook. Preaching how (not) to have sex. It says something about “intimate energy”, “intimacy at that level”, “aural energy of the other person”, “powerful connections”, “spiritual debris”, “confused aura” … and so it goes on.
My sweet darlings, if it itches, you scratch. It is that simple. Why complicate it? Scratch when it itches, where it itches, with whatever is at hand, with whomsoever might oblige to indulge you. At the end, be thankful, and grateful, as ever, as we all should be.
It is not the act that is sacred, or “dirty”, it is the intent. Just a look, or even a touch, can be sacred, or downright filthy. If there is clarity of intent, go ahead and do it. If you love the person, of course go ahead, don’t even think about it. If it’s just lust, then again, of course go ahead, don’t even think about it. But think about the consequences. If at all there is any sort of emotional confusion, then stay put and do not participate in anything that might further complicate things. Also, do not do it if you think/feel that the other person wants it. Take a deep breath and understand what is it that you want. If you do want to, if you wish for it, desire it like crazy, and if there is no apparent danger or complication involved (physical or emotional) then please, do go ahead.
The message (as seen on FB) further talks about “…the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people…” Well, if your intent is clear, and you do not go into “it” with an agenda, then there is no confusion. Confusion comes in only if you are not sure of what you are doing, why you are doing it, and whether you want to do it or not. You might even end up miserable if you really want to do it, but don’t, just cos’ you read something silly like this on FBor some other place , or if your mommy told you not to do “bad things”. :) Do listen to your mommy though, but listen to your own heart, your judgement too. This is for people who are mature enough to judge for themselves.
Just imagine the confused aura of someone who’d get emotionally “intimate” with multiple people when all they needed was a good…ahem…physical contact.
Relax! There is nothing wrong, or bad, or spiritually harming about having sex with more people than one, as long as you do not fall in the emotional quicksand of it all. If you are positive within, you will attract positive -ness.
Having said that, it is a good thing to be cautious. You keep scratching too hard, too long, you will end up injuring yourself. Like with everything else, this too is good if done in moderation; everyone has their own limits and capacities.
And if we talk about spiritual upliftment, then of course it’s best to just ignore the/an itch. And not just this itch, or desire. Try and resist giving in to any desire, be it food, entertainment, money, cars, anything. But if you are indulging in everything else like crazy but fear just sex, then it is a bit pointless. Try it, it’s not very hard, not just sexual urges, be it any sort of itch, just relax, take a deep breath and focus, focus on love, focus on the universe, and it will go, within minutes.
It’s funny how they talk about animal sex. Poor animals. It is us humans, and not animals who indulge in sexual activity for lust. For us humans, it is mostly a recreational practice. Animals do it for procreation. It is humans who kill because they want to. Animals do it only because, and if, they need to. It is animals who understand the sacredness of it, of it all…Let’s awaken the animal in us…
As originally posted on Here to Help.
Stability. What it means, who defines it? You do. Like your religion (or non-), like your God, “stability” is a personal matter. Don’t let anyone else define it for you; be it your father, mother, brother, sister, or even friends. Don’t buy a house, if you don’t want to, just because your family expects you too, to satisfy themselves that you are stable. Don’t “settle down” in ways you wouldn’t want to, just so that your family will stop bothering you. Personal stability is not shown, it is not visible, not in a concrete house, not in a “good 9-5″ job; you might be very stable, even if you have been “wandering” about, as some might put it, or, you might be very unstable, even though you have been in one place (“good 9-5″ job, house, a society-defined-idea-of-a-family etc). Your stability is within you. If you are content, and satisfied within, deep-down, happy and confident about the decisions you have made, then don’t bother about what others might say to you, are saying to you. Be understanding of your family, or friend’s, show of concern and worry. Smile, hug them, and try and tell them that there’s nothing to worry about. But beyond that, know that there is nothing you can do. They will have to come to terms with it themselves. You can only do so much, do it, and then be at peace with it.
Reach for stability in the mind…not for show of stability outside…
Keep smiling!! :)
As originally posted on Here to Help.
minta te scinta dee suiyaan waddan lagiyan
terey bina hai rattaan por-por mera kattan lagiyan
tennu jado chhor ke ayee see
apney supneyaan nu mein tor ke ayee see
sochya na see ek ek pal jeena bhari pe jayega
saa andar lena, fer chhadna, bimari pe jayega
sir fad ke, foot-foot ke ron nu dil karda ey hun mera
kee pata see, terey jaan naal edda, sadda sukh-chain saara girvi pe jayega
pahad ke neechey aaney par bhi, nahi tootati ye gaagar
is chhoti see gagri mein, kahin chhupa hai, merey dukhon ka prashant mahasagar
my baby, my jaan, has joined a boarding school. i miss hugging her, loving her, each moment, everyday…she is my tota…merey totey mein meri jaan. i tell her this story all the time, about this raakshas (demon-like being) who couldn’t be killed cos jis jaan (life) was in a tota (parrot) hidden far away. and i tell her that she is my tota…my jaan is in her…
i remember very clearly, vividly, a night long back.. once, eons back, when i was a little girl, spending a summer vacation at my grandparent’s house in a small town tucked in a busy corner of a rowdy Indian state, i had woken up in the dead of the night. i was sleeping on a cot, on the open roof of the house, i think with some other people around, cousins maybe. i just got off the bed and walked till the edge of the roof; the wall came till about my shoulders i think. and i just stood there, transfixed, looking deep into the night, thinking, rather, feeling, that my entire life is a dream, that i just dreamed. sometimes i feel that i am in that dream, that that little girl is still dreaming, sleeping soundly, and peacefully, on that open roof.
looking for a good school for cy has been harrowing. she was going to the sancta maria international school, in hyderabad. but after i got laid off, i didn’t wanna send her to a school that expensive.
[i was anyways losing faith; cy's grades, esp in math, had been dropping continuously since she joined this school. so much so that they did kinda accept that they had a teacher-problem at school and when cy and another kid (i think there were only about 7 kids in her class, about the only thing i really liked; apart from the lovely ex-princi who left pretty unceremoniously in the middle of everything) scored pretty low in math, and we protested, they agreed for a re-test. apparently they had hired a good teacher eventually.]
anyways, what’s been really disappointing is the fact that now they are not even giving me the transfer certificate for cy. as soon as i realized that i am not getting a decent enough job in hyd, and that maybe i didn’t wanna work at a 9-5 kinda place anymore, i communicated to the school that i will not be able to afford the school. i had already missed paying the fee for her first term. very sweetly they sent me an “invoice” of the dues (of one term; three months)…which i had just told them i am not in any position to pay, which is why i am taking her out. the amount of close to rs 1 lakh (for about three months) is a lot when i do not have a job, and have no plans of having one in the near future. all i have is some savings, that i need to save every paisa of now.
i did mail the director, mr reddy, that cyra might face difficulties in getting admission to a good school (one that i can afford) without a transfer certificate, but mr reddy, more of a businessman, than an educator, simply refused.
which is what has gone horribly wrong with most schools in Indian cities today. they are all business houses, making millions for the directors and “board-members”, not paying enough attention to an individual student’s needs for an overall, wholesome, healthy development. and all these “international” schools. charging ridiculous amounts of fees and they don’t even have a swimming pool.
i was going through another school’s website, rishi valley, and this is what i found on their website:
“New students to the school are chosen from an annual pool of applicants on the basis of character, talent, academic ability as well as parental background”
so the students they “reject” are maybe characterless, talent-less, and what they deem as academically-challenged and having not good-enough parents..??
i haven’t, honestly, found one school yet, that simply accepts a child, for being just that, a child, who needs a school. oh no, sorry, i did find one. :) that’s where cy is going now… :) their only basis for admission? that there is a child, who needs education. :) thank you God… :)
Dear lord; I am getting old. As I have said multiple times here before, I had juicy tidbits of a promising post, simmering away in my mind. But as it happens a lot of late, I had been away from my (or any) computer and couldn’t put down my thoughts. And now, all thoughts are gone. All that remains is a sweet, tranquil emptiness, edged with joy and happiness.
I am in Delhi now. Had forgotten how cold the felt. Or, how amazing it is to write with a pen, on paper. Like, the words already are, and my fingers just hold, like one might hold the tiny, cute, chubby hands of a toddler, and facilitate the pen to slide on the “marked” path(s) making visible, that which was till now invisible. Just as Michelangelo had said in that book (Agony and Ecstasy) that the sculpture is there already, inside the marble slab; he just chisels it out. Or was it someone else who said that. I love writing with a good pen.
The cold, yes, the Delhi cold; it’s not as bad as I faintly remember, not yet at least. I used to wear multiple layers of woolen stuff earlier. Now, not so many, not as yet.
Having Hummus has been a disappointment, in Delhi. I love Hummus, and it such a simple thing to make; and they go wrong with that. Tut! Had it at two places; The Oberoi, Gurgaon and Café Turtle, Khan Market. Bad. Especially, Café Turtle (Khan Market), food there was overall pretty bad. It’s a very cute, cosy place though. Perfect for hangout, but not a place to spend one’s hard-earned money on food.
Being successful means different things for/to different people. For people who are deeply concerned about what others think of them, it involves doing, or being something that will outwardly and loudly say to them (the others, the “world”, or people of the world) that one is successful, or, impressing other people, like gaining material “success”, or fame etc. That is what is expected of most men, at least here in India. For people who are not concerned a lot about other people, being successful means achieving some level of a personal satisfaction and contentment. That is what is expected of women, at least here in India. That women are expected to be mostly just good daughters and then good wives, and then good mothers. Jaaney-anjaaney, women are shown, rather forced to tread upon, the path of spirituality, where it is important to do one’s duty (as a daughter, wife, or mother), deeply and devotedly, even if the father, husband, or kids are grade one a-holes, without the greed or desire of the fruits of one’s labor, or duty. Comes under the umbrella of ‘sewa’, but I think I have already talked about that.
I was talking about being successful, yes. So there are many times that I find myself in a place where I feel a need to explain that yes, I am successful, and how; when people that matter to me feel hurt, or worried about my life, or no-life. And although I would love to leave it at that, that look, I am smiling, I am happy, I am successful, so bye, I feel driven to try and explain to them how that might be correct (that I am “successful” indeed), because I wish for them to not worry and wonder.
Dear loved ones, (this) life is breath, breathing is life, each breath a miracle, each inhale and exhale a success. If you are truly living in the moment, like mommy taught you to, enjoying each moment, as it comes, and then letting it go, smiling, within, and with-out, then you are successful, each moment of the day, each day of the week…all days, of this life.
But ensure my darlings, that these smiles, these breaths of yours, are not costing anyone anything; money, pain, or any sort of emotional, material, or financial duress. Be, become, independent, emotionally, mentally, financially, and strong, spiritually. It will come, it definitely will. Trust the mother…this universe…Have faith, and be good, that is a big success. And then whatever you define or understand as success, will soon follow…
As originally published on Here to Help.
am just sitting, doing nothing in particular, listening to aiyaa songs, that make me feel oh so so good. :) i dance soooo well in my head…heeheehee… :) the dongle is working relatively well; as in relative to its not working at all, though i still can’t view videos and all. i still don’t know (haven’t decided) where i will go, what i will do. i truly am enjoying the moment, all these moments, “each-moment-as-it-comes”. :D though can’t say the same about those around me. although it’s not gonna really affect anyone’s life where i go what i do, but i do understand, one’s need to know whether this or that person is gonna be here or there, esp when this or that person is a daughter, or sister, or someone one cares about. i unnerstan…and i wish i could say that i am trying, but i am not, to be honest. i truly am enjoying the moment(s), each moment as it comes… :) ..but soon…soon… :))))
i really enjoyed mopeding around for the past 2 months. and so did cy; she loves to ride pillion with me…and we both wanna “upgrade” ourselves to a bike now. :) the only problem being, my wrists, ravaged by RA (rheumatoid arthritis) for well over a decade. i don’t have a lot of strength in my lower (or even upper) arms; so i won’t be able to do “handle” a heavy bike, you know, move it around, push it or pull it while parking etc. dunno, anyways, mopeding happened due to the need of the hour, as we were living in a small place with no auto-rickshaws etc, and everyone using rented (some owned) two wheelers. but it was fun, so much that i wish i could extend it, the fun of riding, further… :)
i had moved to auroville, this small place near pondicherry, for at least six months, maybe more. but things didn’t fall into their respective anticipated places, and now it seems that i might have to postpone my “pondi plans” for at least 4-5 years. hmmm…anyways. it was good while it lasted. a lot of amazingly good things came out of it though, for which i am thankful dear, dear universe. so, thanks… :)
the only “issue” now is that my stuff, furniture etc., is still there, and i need to stash it somewhere by dec end, or sell it, which i’d rather not, or just throw/give it away, which i don’t mind, but i’d rather not. hopefully i will find a place there itself, to keep it for a while…till life sorts itself out, like it always does. :) i love you life… :x :)
dear life, what (all) do you have in store for me. open sesame!!! :)
i am beginning to get tired now. physically, tremendously, and hence mentally, and somewhat emotionally. this beautiful, serene, utterly peaceful place is taking a toll. initially what had attracted me to it, is now proving to be very tiresome. mostly because of my rheumatoid arthritis. all that strain on my limbs; difficulty of getting everything, everyday things like groceries, veggies etc. biking (moped-ing :P) around everywhere, is causing my wrists and finger joints to swell up and hurt more. (though i truly am thankfully that i am on a 2-wheeler eventually and thoroughly enjoy it, and cyra does too; she loves it as a matter of fact :)). plus absence of public transportation and other things like shops and markets is making the days very strenuous. i had not expected my body to react this way. i was actually looking forward to more healing, much more healing. :) maybe all the toxins are getting out now…leading to perfect health..insha allah… :)
i had thought that life’ll be cheaper, once we move here. i know..silly me. :) of course, it’s not. it’s a “tourist-place”…what was i thinking. :P i am still paying rent close to what i was paying in Hyd, though this place is huge, compared to that one. :) but other things, veggies, for example, the water, everything’s expensive. a gas cylinder is costing me more than double of what i was paying in Hyd. they charge me rs 1050 per cylinder here (HP Gas; i was paying rs 400 something in Hyd), and IF i have an adhaar card, which is like this ID card for Indians, which not all Indians have, they will return rs 500. and it’s not that simple either; i need to tell my bank (which is in Hyd) and connect my account with my adhaar card, and then they will transfer the money into my bank account directly. phew…
anyways…hardly been a month. hopefully, it’ll start feeling like home. :) thankfully, Cy is happy. she enjoys her school and has made good friends.
i am PMSing, and also my parents have arrived (they live there on and off), maybe that’s why i am missing my parent’s home in delhi. who would’ve thought…me missing delhi. but i am not missing delhi…just that house. that beautiful, green (as in, surrounded by a lot of greenery) house. :) i soooo suddenly wish we were there, sitting at “home”, having an argument/discussion about something or the other with mom and dad. sighhh….
on a different note, what is going wrong with all the wordpress sites. each time the site opens, the screen gets bombarded with all these annoying ads. so, so very annoying….
i wonder if we happily accept it, or just succumb to it…our lives…
this post is a forward to an earlier post, Looking for a Guru?
…and just like you surrender completely to (a) guru; surrender to the universe, to your life. trust, have faith. let it go, let it flow…don’t ask, ‘what do i do now?’ … rather, say, here i am, this is me, there’s nowhere else on earth i’d rather be (thanks brian adams)… :) and say that ‘i trust you universe, that you will do what is right for me. since i don’t know what to do, where to go, i am not doing anything, or going anywhere. i am right here, take me where you will.’ and then, just follow the flow. for flow, it will, you will. the only thing you need practice is, not to use your brain, to not think. just relax, and trust. have no fear.
and definitely meditate…even if 10 mins a day, 4 days a week.
as posted originally on Here to Help.
money and me, we don’t go so well together. well, we don’t go together at all. we remain separated. :) even if i get it, it doesn’t take long for it to just…poof!!…disappear. just like that. or, for example, if something can be done in rs 10, i’ll ensure (of course, unknowingly) that i spend rs 110 on the very same thing. like this place i am living in right now…with some planning and foresight, i could’ve got a much cheaper place, but no, this is what i wanted, and i got it, paying three times than i would’ve if only i had had some patience, or grown-up brain cells. not that i have a lot of money. hardly. this is part of my (not a very long) life’s savings that i have “invested” on this little adventure, moving here, to this place of nature, beauty, and serenity. :)
but hell, i am not still not happy… :P as a matter of fact, there are moments when i am miserable, and i wanna go home, just that, there is no home… :) only this. of course, teething problems. soon, hopefully sooner, all the boxes will be open and unpacked, and the house will look more like a home. my sense will get used to, familiar with, the still newer surroundings and learn to relax.. :) soon…hopefully, sooner… :)
i had prepared a post on mind, body, and soul for my other blog, and a couple of others, in my head, and i did not care to type it down in time. and now, all i have in mind is, the topic, of that one post. :) but then, in defense of my mind/brain, i have been rather busy these past few weeks. i have moved to a new location and have been quite engrossed in packing, moving, unpacking…well have hardly unpacked. the new place is choked full of cardboard boxes, that the packers and movers guys kept calling cartoons, that i found very amusing. at the end of it all, there were 83 effing boxes, full of shit that i/we had managed to gather and horde in these past amazing, beautiful five years in Hyd. anyways, these past few weeks, have been crazy busy, at the same time relaxing, full of many surprises, revelations and some more communiques with the good universe. yet another “gentle reminder” that you dream a dream does not mean that that dream, once it does materialize, thank you dear universe, will satisfy you, the way you’d dreamed it would, in your mind. :) one will, of course, need to work towards fully attaining the said satisfaction. one is working. :)