and the inside
in different directions
to be pulled apart
and the inside
in different directions
to be pulled apart
I have a theory. Most smart people are skinny, but most skinny people are not smart. Most skinny people are healthy, but most healthy people are not skinny. Hmmm??
wish i could go back to the 1800s europe and fall hopelessly in love with a tall glass of dark and deep…
in the shallowness of this life, of myself, my being
i float on the surface, looking up, longingly, at the sky
not knowing, maybe knowing, but not able to, maybe not wanting to
swim, dive down, reach down to the depths
the dark, cool, solace at the deep bottom of the lake
where my true love is waiting for me
kohre mein doobi khamoshi
khamoshi mein kho jaoon mein
kuchh ordh ke
so jaoon mein
meri aankhon kee nahi
meri atma kee
tumhey dikhi nahi
ek meetha ehsaas
jeebh tak reh jayega
tum bhool jaogey
tumney dekhi nahi
aur jaaney diya
kabhi ehsaas nahi hua
kabhi khushiyon se dar lagta thaa
cheh-chahaney kee awaz sun ke, dukh umar ayengey
par ab nahi
thoda-thoda dar ab bhi lagta hai
par ab aankhein moond, haath jod
naam le leti hoon
daata himmat de
i feel feverish, a bit sick
or is it
just your absence
it sucks all in
all that is good and positive
deep deep down
buries it deep within
along with your happy memories
I have never been able to define myself; rather, describe. I have never tried actually. I have never believed that a person, not just myself, is describable. A person is a complex thing, an entire universe within oneself. It’s too, ridiculous, inadequate, to put all that into some words.
But, having said that, if one were to ascribe a word to describe oneself, I have somehow always (maybe of late?) associated myself with ‘lazy’. Am I though? Yes, it is true that I have always preferred not to work, if it can be helped. But isn’t that any intelligent entity’s endeavour? To preserve energy. Otherwise, anytime that there has been work, that needed to be done, and if I commit myself to it, I have never been lazy about it. Highly distracted, yes, but never lazy. I remember this one time mother had asked me to clean a books cupboard, when I was a teenager, I think, and how I just picked a book and just sat there reading it, for hours. And at that time that was a usual thing for me. I always used to end up immersed into something entirely different from what I had originally started doing.
The only time that did not happen was when I was sketching, or painting. I used to do that quite a bit, growing up. I don’t, at all, now. I think I mentioned in an earlier post (on teerathyatra) how a tiny trauma once made me stop and I never picked it up again.
So yes, I am not lazy. (Disclaimer: I don’t start something unless I rally need to) I am highly distractible. Attention deficit. Hmmm. I wonder why the western world relies on medication for it, esp for children, when it can be dealt with simpler ways and means; not that I ever applied them to myself. For, as arrogant as I am, I will never really truly admit it to myself that that has ever been a real, serious problem.
Yep, I am arrogant, I think. But that could be a cultural thing. Most people belonging to Delhi are. Arrogant and very stupid. Am I stupid? Yes, at some levels, I am very stupid. But just as knowing one’s immaturities makes one mature; acknowledging and understanding that one is stupid (at certain levels) kind of nullifies it. Not doing anything about it is even more stupid, but then that’s a lot of matter for another post, maybe a thesis. :) So, I am arrogant as something that just is, like a 6th finger or something. It doesn’t really come between my loving or understanding someone, never hinders my work really. Yep, hints of arrogance, sub-consciously judgmental, just hidden somewhere there beneath the surface.
There’s immense loads of good things too, rather they overpower everything, but I am too modest to put all that up here. :D
Bagiya se sunder wo bun hoga… :)
What is that in my mind,
on my mind,
than my mind.
I want my mind back.
Do you mind?
sometimes, rarely, mostly when i am PMSing, i feel i am lost. well, i like to feel that, only feel. cos i know that digging deeper will only make things worse. cos i know that i am not. i am not lost. just lazy. just stepped off the road and taken shelter under this big bush, on the soft green grass, resting, chilling, not doing anything, not wanting to do anything. just a tiny hint of guilt had started to seep in when a small voice inside said that it’s ok. it’s alright. how does it matter. that road is not going to move, and there is an eternity; not like there is a deadline or anything. so just…rest. don’t move, if you don’t wanna.
i know, may sound a bit escapist to some. but it’s very…comforting…
when i fell
for the first time
it wasn’t love
it was an obsession
i was obsessed
with a new toy
i smothered it
with a new toy
i didn’t know love then
didn’t comprehend it
it was something
i had never tasted
i may have
when in love
when in love
one has it
There are gurus that encourage that you chant ‘Om Namah Shivaya’, or ‘Hare Krishna’, or ‘Ram’, or ‘Praise the Lord’; and then there are gurus that do not discourage you to chant ‘Jai Guru Dev’, rather, they revel in it.
If you are wondering or may be confused about which one to follow, then bow down and accept the blessings of the former one; the one that encourages you to chant ‘Om Namah Shivaya’…
For it is she/he who may lead you to God, the Universe, or the Truth. The latter will just lead you to yet another ego-centric entity.
That said, keep in mind that God is within you, and so is the Guru. Look for the light within and let it lead you.
Om Namah Shivaya !!
As originally posted on Antarmun.in
I find a flame very beautiful; especially the flame of a diya. I light one at night. I have a brass diya, in which I fix a cotton wick and fill it up with Mustard oil. And when all is still in the room, it stands so tall, tall and beautiful, beautifully yellow, glowing, looking so soft and supple and inviting. I find it very inviting. It looks like a cocoon in which I can step in and sit, if only I was that small. And sometimes when I close my eyes, admiring that flame for sometime (I light it on top of a wooden drawer in front of my bed) I can see myself doing just that; walking into the soothing flame and sitting there. I find the thought very…cleansing. Maybe it triggers a past-life memory when I may have done just that. Or maybe it was a past-life where I was a machhar (mosquito).
I got up at 5 am today, happily. I have been trying to set this routine, a discipline so to say, to start my day by 5-5:30 in the morning, failing miserably. :) I wake up, promptly around 5-5:30 am, as I always request the universe to wake me before getting to bed the previous night, along with setting the alarm. It’s I that lacks, eventually, in effort. Each time, without fail, I open my eyes, smile sweetly thanking the universe, looking around randomly, turn, and go back to sleep again.
Well, today I didn’t, sleep again. Though I did linger around in the bed, but I got up by 6. I went out, breathing deeply in the exhilarating fresh, morning air of our park which is abundant in trees. Walked, felt great, got back home, made and then had daliya, and then soon after cosily cuddled with myself under the blanket and went back to sleep again around 8:30. :) A deep, sound, very relaxing sleep.
It has been a peaceful, happy day since. Content. Peaceful. :)
I surrender to, and enjoy, each moment, as it comes…at least today…
We keep talking about empowering women, but are we ready for empowered women. Are (Indian) men ready for empowered women?
It is not going to be about doing the dishes, or the laundry, or taking care of the kids.
An empowered woman may not change her surname to yours after marriage; she might even expect you to change yours, to hers. An empowered woman may even want to give her name to her children. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for empowered women?
“God”, nature, this universe, the universal energy, the divine light, your own personal loving God, is a good parent. As a parent, we should all, I feel, strive to become that God. God doesn’t “soften”, when it sees you in pain or in trouble. “It” has complete faith in you and let’s you l.e.a.r.n. But of course, when you give in, entirely, and ask for help (a.k.a pray) the universe does come to your help, like any parent would.
Do the same for your child. Let her/him learn their own lesson, understand, let them mature. Do not give in so simply. Like this good universal energy, keep the big picture in mind. Keep in mind that for that temporary moment of indulgence to make your dear li’l one happy, you may be ruining a gorgeous personality, for life.
~As originally posted on www.antarmun.in
I have slept enough…time to wake up…
Hello everyone. It has been a long, long time, yes, I realize, too long. I have just been…well, not been doing anything of late. A retired life, so to say. Fortunately, or un-, things have come to a pass where I have a place to stay for free (parent’s) and free food too, and the child’s expenses are also being taken care of, so the need to earn has substantially diminished. And when have I done anything that did not need to be done? Can’t recall. :)
Delhi, I think, is not for me. I never do anything here, but “stagnate”. Decades back, I really started working only once I left Delhi; and now I am back, and although there are so many things to be done, ideas in my head, things that I have started, I don’t do anything. ‘Subah hoti hai, shaam hoti hai, zindagi yoon hee tamaan hoti hai’. I look forward to Dec, when my one and only will be back in my arms and we will be together again for some time. Apart from that, there’s nothing I look forward to. And I am not sad either; feel pretty content; enjoying each moment as it passes. I am not bored, not lonely, just not feeling up to doing anything as such. Have worked on a couple of story ideas; have almost finished one, only the ending is left; for this story (for film script) writing competition. Rs 5 lacs prize, but if your story wins, you lose all copyright; so I am having second thoughts. Anyways, I think I might enter.
I started Yoga classes, again, and am thoroughly enjoying it. Sivananda Yoga; really love it. First time I actually feel good after continous multiple rounds of Sun Salutations. And interestingly, I am learning just what I need to learn. After years of RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis), whatever swellings that are left in my body are mostly in my wrists, making me salute the sun on my fingers, and not with my hands flat on the floor. But after a few weeks, my wrists do not hurt, and though I still can’t put my palms flat on the floor, it’s getting better. And I am learning the asanas to build core strength and strengthen my arms; my arms need it, and now I ma so glad I joined when I did. Thank you Gur, for recommending it. :)
On a separate note, I was thinking that I never gave credit to Shm for being what he is, as a father to my child. Even when we were dating I had expressed my wish of giving my own name to my child; he had taken it pretty well. Not many guys (esp not any in Delhi) would be able to take it in. So I thank you too Shm, for having made life just that much easier. :)
I have plans of opening my Sound Healing Clinic soon. I have a place too; which is dirty and needs some work. And I am being so…laid back about it all. I hope the universe wakes me up soon, or not, whatever, all is good anyways… :)
Love to all… <3 :)
if it isn’t for marriage, i guess most (almost all?) people would probably spend their lives doing nothing. it’s good, from one angle, considering that everything that happens, is good. if it wasn’t for marriage(s), we’d still be … happily … swinging around in trees, living in caves, enjoying a barbecue, or raw salads every evening… :)
in other news…You know it’s love when you know you can be you(rself), yet you strive to be what they want. And they don’t want anything, but you to be you(rself)…and so you be…just, happier…
~as originally posted on Here to Help.
I have a lot of faith in prayer. Prayer is like a Pranayam (breathing exercise) for the soul. Praying takes you closer, closer inside, to your own precious and powerful self.
Once you get in touch with your true self, you become effortless. Praying is one way. For me, praying is very similar to meditating. Just close your eyes, and start drifting inwards.
~As originally posted on Here to Help.
Last weekend was amazing. I had been invited by a acquaintance to accompany a group of (bike) riders for a long-weekend (4 days) ride to a place called Mori, in Uttarakhand. I had never heard of the place before, but when I saw the pics on google, I got interested and said Yes. Also, an old acquaintance from Hyderabad too was joining in, so it would’ve been nice to meet up and all.
We were supposed to leave 15th (Aug) morning, so I wrapped up this outing with my dear pal Gur on 14th evening and reached home in time to pack and rest and all. Though I knew that there would be no sleeping for me cos’ of late my sleep cycle had completely turned and settled at the 7 am – 3 pm time slot; so I knew there was no way I will be sleepy before 6 am, and we had to leave by 5:30 – 6 am the next morning.
Lo and behold, I reach home and receive a call from the person who’d invited me saying how most people have cancelled and asking how will I make it to the meeting place at 5:30 in the morning and I will be very uncomfortable and all etc. It was clear that he wanted me to say No, but wasn’t saying so. At first I said ok, I won’t come, and ended the call. Then I got pissed, and duly took it out in a WhatsApp msg, after which he gave in and reluctantly agreed to take me along. :)
Anyhow, the ride started pretty uncomfortable. My bum and the entire lower area started hurting like crazy, like I was sitting on a stone bamboo, and each bump would hit and hurt like crazy. It was weird, cos’ I have gone on rides before, as a pillion, and I had never felt like that before. At one point I felt that I couldn’t breath it hurt so bad. After about 2-3 hrs of excruciating pain, and 2 stops later, I couldn’t keep it in and verbalised my pain. One of the bikers (there were total 3 bikes, and 4 of us) pointed out that i was sitting way out on the back seat, and that my bum was literally hanging half-out, so of course it was hurting. And the guy I was with also added that yes his seat indeed was a tad harder than other seats. Thankfully, the guy I knew from my Hyderabad days kindly offered to take me as pillion; and the rest of the way, though it was painful as the area I think had become sore, wasn’t unbearable. Also, I bought a small cushion when we stopped at Mussourie; it helped.
And then the A-M-A-Z-I-N-G bit started, the mountains, the lush green, the clouds rolling in. The next 3 days passed by as if in a dream. The guys loosened up to the only (stranger) girl who’d tagged along and relaxed and started sharing, their conversations, their dawa, and their daru.
We couldn’t make it to Mori, as planned, and spent the first night in this beautiful little hamlet called Damta. Beautiful place, beautiful people. It was dark by the time we reached there, but thankfully we found a place that offered decent enough rooms; I think the only place in that small hamlet, a little bigger than a village I think. I found out later that it was a stop-over for buses and jeeps on their way from the mountain tops to Dehradun and all. After freshening up, and some good dinner, we made ourselves comfortable on the balcony overlooking the mountain stream and the hills beyond, sipping drinks and sharing ghost stories. The lush, green hills were only dark silhouettes now against the very faint glow of the cloudy sky. There were clouds all around, and mist, which glowed like a celestial wonder every time the lights of a car or truck got reflected each time it turned at the mountain bend. And then it started to rain, close to the middle of the night, and the power wen off. I could’ve sat there all night, enjoying the rain, the cool, cool, breeze and drizzle falling all over me with the wind. Alas, I hadn’t slept the night before, and we did have to ride some more next day to reach Mori. So around 1:30 am, we bid adieu to each other and I was out before my head hit the pillow. I got up at 6 and was mesmerised by the green, lush beauty all around. Thinking how lucky one is to be able to live at a place like this.
After about 3-4 hrs of riding enveloped in more cool, lush, green and breathtaking pine forests, we reached Mori. And wow, the google pics had not done it justice at all. Actually no “picture” can do the beauty of the place justice. So, so pretty, and idyllic, and the mountain river that gushed past all along the ride, sometimes looking dangerous, sometimes playful and inviting. If only one could come here every weekend. Sigh!! :) Apparently the local people call the river Vinashak (destroyer). We arranged for rooms, dumped our stuff and headed out in search for a place where we could wet our feet. After looking around a bit we found a perfect spot, under a small bridge. And that is where the story of my “current pain” started unfolding. After having sat in the cold, cold, but very refreshing waters, I came out and tied just a sarong around my waist. On the way back, I spotted a mountain waterfall and asked my friend, the biker, to stop, which he did promptly. And I did something I had never done before; I tried to get off from the other side of the bike, the side that has the hot, hot exhaust pipe. I not only have a burn, I have a deep, 2nd degree burn for which I am going to the doctor daily now to get the dressing changed. Hopefully, another week-10 days from now and it will heal, though leaving a scar…a battle scar…ha :D
The next day we started riding around randomly and found this unbelievable little mountain stream, a little upstream, which was deep enough to enjoy the gushing waters massaging the back but not so deep that we’d get swept by the water. It was the most amazing, memorable afternoon ever. And a little boy joined us, Navin, grade 4. The innovative little child. He build little rafts with pieces of tree bark strewn all around, sticking two pieces of wooden sticks in it. He would then throw the raft up stream with all his might and then jump, swim, and splash around to catch it as it came down the stream. It was so much fun just looking at him play.
If only, I could spend the entire week there, frolicking about in the cold, healing, refreshing waters. Water so cold, but not biting, soothing rather … I had never thought that I’d be able to take it, even step into it, but not only did I step in that cold, cold water, I sat there, enjoying it, gushing past all over me.
A most beautiful, memorable experience.
On the way back, I decided to bus it. I am glad that I did. I took a diversion and went to Paonta Sahib gurudwara; did darshan, had the yummy langar. And then people told me that it’s best to go to Yamuna Nagar and then take a Delhi bus. People were right; I reached Yamuna Nagar, and then took a bus to reach Delhi via Karnal, Panipat. It was a beautiful bus ride too all over. Had a good, good time. :)