This Girl’s Life!

{April 23, 2014}   written on 22.4.14

…the time is passing so slow that it’s like I can see each moment slowly crawl by. And some of them are passing so slowly and lazily that the ones behind have to nudge them every now-and-then to make move forward a bit.

Delicious empty gaps, wide open spaces, between each moment.

I got up at 3:30 am, dunno why, and couldn’t sleep after that. Have been counting moments since, one slow one after the other. It’s nice. :) It’s a rich, silky, velvety luxury…

{April 14, 2014}   Gotta Break the Mould!!

We are dying for a change, esp us women, maybe only us women. Some (too few) guys are just tagging along. Some of us (nope, not me) are doing something about it; putting in some effort; in raising awareness, bringing people together, at least trying and bringing about some change, at whatever level they can, the smallest even. The change when ‘women empowerment’ is not just a movement raging within the offices of a handful of activists and in a few articles here and there scattered across the media. The change when a woman, every woman, would be empowered, truly, completely.

And what are we doing about that? Absolutely nothing. Some years back, I was working on a project and our client was an American firm. They were pretty clear about having content that does not show any bias or discrimination towards a race, color, class, or gender. And we saw exactly what they meant when we did a little research. Most books now in the US actively show girls as protagonists. For example, if they are talking about rocket science, the illustration would show a girl as a rocket scientist. Now that’s actively doing something. They made a conscious choice of empowering the women in their society and they knew that the littlest of the things are going to matter. They made them matter. And the same goes for their media and the image of a woman shown in their current media channels.

What about our media? We have ads that pompously show a woman as a glorified maid (MTR) waking up in the morning and happily cooking whatever it is that each individual family member “orders”. We have (milk-shake-powder) ads that show a mother giving milk to a boy to make him stronger; please do note how most of these ads do not show a girl whose bones need strengthening. [[By the way you do not need milk for your bones. Whatever milk you need is the one you get from your mommy; it's enough to help you build a good enough immune system and bones and all of your body. Cow's (or buffalo's) milk is for the cow (or buffalo) baby. The torture that both the cow and calf are put through is disturbing; but that is another topic.]] Almost all of our media caters to the image of a wife as only a home maker (cook, care-taker) and the man as the provider. The new Titan ad for example. Apart from having all nicely (and cutely) chubby women, in a garden party/picnic, they show the women cooking and the men just…standing around. And to top that, we have the amazing, truly empowered actor Priyanka Chopra flaunting the huge diamond ring on her finger, that her dad gave her, saying that any man worthy of her should be able to top that. Like that is all a man brings to a relationship. Money! Material comfort!?!

I once had a woman argue with me about how it was unthinkable to give a baby the mother’s name. (I gave my baby my name; she just could not fathom the depths of my stupidity in doing so.) Today’s woman does not even want to hear that it is alright to give your child your name. That it is alright to not let go of your identity once married. Some who do, still feel the need to “hyphenate”; for what? To placate their husband’s (or his family’s) ego? We have a long, long, really long way to go. A woman, as an independent individual, is lost. SHE does not exist anymore. To exist, she needs a crutch, a father, then her husband. She may do nothing else but devote her days and nights to look after her husband’s home and their kids.

Loving parents who love both their daughter and their son will provide the best of education and required support to the son so that he grows up and earns well. What do they do for the daughter? They indulge her, buy her nice clothes, horde lots of cash and jewelry for her so that some day, just as she is completely dependent (and helpless) on daddy today, she becomes completely dependent (and helpless) on the husband tomorrow.

Jago, Jago grahani jago. Behen jago. Ma jago. Beti jago. Bahu…you definitely jago.

Being a stay-at-home wife does not give your husband or his family any right to treat you like a maid. Though nothing compares to being financially and emotionally independent, self-sufficient. But if you can’t, and it’s understandable as you have been brought up to never think for yourself and been let free so you could spread your wings, or taught and advised enough so you could take the right steps when do actually step out into the real world. If you can’t, then start with being independent and self-sufficient where you are. Take small steps at a time. A (very) brave girl I know told me this little story. Her husband used to keep asking her to get him this and get him that. So this one time when he asked her to get his some water, she told him coolly that if he asked her to get him water one more time, she’s gonna spit into it and give it to him. He never asked her to get water again. I think that is a clever thing to do. Show him that you are not here to serve him. Step out of the kitchen; start getting involved in things that concern other things than meals, taking care of the house, laundry. This country, your children, will have a truly beautiful future only if you have a truly beautiful, independent, self-sufficient today. Only an evolved, mature mother can nurture an evolved mature next generation. We desperately need it.

Watch this, and know that it is getting out of control. No country for women!!

{April 13, 2014}   My article on ‘Marry My Buddy’

“Wake up girls, and smell the chai. Good sex is one of the key ingredients of a healthy mind, body, and soul. And there is nothing wrong in indulging in it every once-in-a-while, nothing at all. Allowing yourselves some physical pleasure DOES NOT mean that you are giving in, and the guy is gaining something, or profiting something out of you. It’s a two-way street…”

Read the rest here ‘Sex and the 21st Century (Indian) Woman’.

{April 11, 2014}  

i have noticed that sometimes my hands work without actually my mind being aware about it. as in, i do not have any recollection of a particular task, but when i look back, panicked, that i missed it, there it is, all done, correctly. my mind has started wandering off more than usual, and farther off. i need to keep a check. i have always enjoyed my dreams, as far as i can remember (not in my early 20s though, not all the time; i had strange, surreal dreams where i was always either lost, or just wandering around, as if lost. i think a common state of being for young adults). a lot of times i have dreams i hate waking up from. just twice i have dreamt that i have lost cy and i have woken up shrieking, screaming (in my dream) and physically shaken. apart from that, my dreams have mostly been nice, full of people and action. me doing something or the other, involved, interested, enjoying. and it hasn’t been rare for me to wonder whether a memory was a memory or a part of a dream.

i should always carry a li’l recorder. so i can record all my thoughts, just as they tumble out of my mind.

{April 09, 2014}   Good living, good life…

I haven’t been feeling myself of late; a few days maybe, maybe a week. My daily routines have gone for a toss since I moved out of Pondi. My breathwork (pranayam), my smoothies, salads, controlled sleep cycle, exercise. It’s taking a toll on my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). I like my own space (kitchen esp) to stick to my way of living. And that is one thing imperative for my health; my way of living. And since I am not earning anything right now, I am not able to move to someplace where I can afford the way I live. Soon, hopefully. :) A couple of months I am estimating; maybe three. On top of that the week in McLeod’s. An all-time favorite place of mine. The long, long walks, up and down the mountain slopes. The fatigue added up. Thank heavens I did not go for the Triund trek, though I was tempted. Besides Cy didn’t want me to go; she still thinks that M and I had got lost the last time coming back from Triund. :) I didn’t lose our way, but just side-tracked for a little while.

So in all the effects of a dampened health, I was thinking about all the things I need to start doing ASAP to regain my health, and of course hence, the spiritual connection with the universe. Though I know that the universe will never give up on me; I wanna be healthy and happy enough to take it’s love and fruits in abundance. An unhealthy, unhappy body (or mind) is like a closed house. Only good health, joy, and cheer can open all the doors and windows to let all the fresh air and natural light come in. And since I was thinking of things that I need to do for myself, I thought that I’d type it all down, for all my loved ones. :)

Needless to say that spiritual development is imperative for a happy, truly healthy life. Spiritual development is not related to worshipping, religious faith, or any such…stuff. Spiritual development is the development of the self, connecting to the “one” within (or “two” or multiple withins; but that could require medical attention; take adequate required care) and being at peace with that (and hence) everything outside. A lot of times one starts to use a “diety” as a crutch, or as a holding hand trying to understand, or reach, that which is the self (only). heeheehee!! :)

Spritiual development, or health, is directly connected with both physical and mental health. A lot of times one directly affects the other. For example, it is helpful to start exercising reguarly if you are not able to meditate and vice versa. But you will benefit maximum if you do a little bit of both. Religiously inclined people find that effect in the daily ritual regime, thereby providing a somewhat similar output or result. The difference being, you learn to make the roti from your “diety” and that all you do everyday, for the rest of your life. When you could have easily learned other things too like different kinds of rotis and paranthas and maybe have had a richer (spiritually) life. (Long) walks help me immensely to be at peace and relax. Ah! I miss walking around in McLeod Ganj. I love that place. I am going off-topic, but this one time I had almost settled down there, working as a teacher and a general aid provider in the rehabilitation center, after a short fling with a cute, really nice Tibetan. :) Sighhh….If only… :)

Anyways, this is my ideal routine:
I wake up and stretch, and I try to stretch all my joints, taking care of how I breath while doing so. Surya namaskar is the best thing to do first thing in the morning, followed by a few pranayams. This is something I haven’t been doing for some months, and hence the physical discomforts and pains that I am feeling now.

I had started rinsing my mouth with oil, but haven’t been doing that either for quite sometime. It is called ‘oil pulling’ and supposed to be very good for your oral health. Sesame oil is recommended, but one can use coconut or almond oil. Take a cap full of oil, close your mouth, and swish the oil about in your mouth, like you would a mouthwash (I’d suggest you avoid using chemical-based mouthwashes; they are very strong and harmful to your health in the long run). Do that for 5-15 mins and then spit the oil out; you’d notice that the oil is white now. Ensure that not one drop goes in and this is bacteria-rich oil and could be harmful.

I then start my day with one large glass of warm water with a lemon squeezed in. Cy hates warm water so I haven’t yet been able to boss her into doing it. Followed by some fruit after about 20 mins; ensuring that the fruit is season’s fruit. Giving Cy an orange everyday in the winters keeps colds, coughs, and flu etc away.

With/for your breakfast try and inculcate the habit of consuming hot ginger water, or ginger green tea. Smash some ginger and boil it in the water for your tea. Prepare the (big) cup with a green tea-bag, some dried mint leaves, and a sweetner. Avoid sugar. I use shakkar (crushed jaggery), as I avoid honey too. Pour the hot ginger water in and have it. It’ll do loads of good to your overall health. Dropping a thin slice of lemon in won’t hurt.

I have always enjoyed paranthas and rotis for b’fast. One of our most favorite sandwich is the roti sandwich where I put some mayonnaise (eggless) on the roti and then put layers of lettuce, cucumber, some onions, and capsicum, and some leftover sabzi (preferably aloo), fold it like a taco and yummm.

Keep hydrating yourself through the day. If you are not able to keep away fron coffee then ensure a glassfull of water before and after a cup of coffee. I’ve heard the french do this routinely. They do have good skin. :)

An hour’s walk, or jog, or whatever anytime between 5:00 and 6:30.

I have dinner by 6:30-7:00. I loooooove a bowl full of moong dal (soup) with some veggies. Or some other soup. I mostly just steam stuff in the pressure cooker and then blend it in the blender. One of my favorite is to fry huge chunks of onion and then pumpkin, a few whistles in the pressure cooker, and the blender and yummm… :) You can add spices etc and other things for taste accordingly.

If i haven’t worked out earlier, I’d like to go by 7 and then have something light. Or eat by 6:30, wait for a couple of hrs and then go for a nice long walk.

Another thing I’d like to add. I switched to completely natural facewash long back and have been immensely happy with it. For all the people who look for neem this and aloe that, why not use the real stuff. I use 1:1 besan and powdered (dried) orange peel, mixed with some crushed almonds and dahi, twice a day, like any regular facewash. I use gel of the aloevera that grows in my garden as a moisturizer. I use coconut oil on my face at night, over the aloevera gel once it dries. It’s a good tanning oil so not a good idea to wear during the day for people who wish to avoid getting tanned. My facial skin had never looked better. You can vary ingredients as per your skin requirements. I love bathing with just besan and dahi too; but just get lazy and use the soap. Skin feels gorgeous after a good besan and dahi rub. :)

{April 01, 2014}   just another really nice day… :)

my hands are itching, to do something. it’s a great feeling. in my younger years my energetic body used to leap and grab pencil and paper and waste no time and begin scrawling. now, i am so lazy i’d rather just sit on my ass, grab the laptap lying close-by, and just type about it. :P :)

i had a beautiful day today, with M. nice, warm and full of all things that are good in this universe. the sun is still soft and loving and hasn’t acquired its summer sharpness yet, making it possible for us to stroll around, enjoying the sweet afternoon among the green abundance of the crafts museum (in the pragati maidan premises). it used to be my favorite haunt, back in the days, after the beloved deer park of course. the last i visited the place was some 13-14 years ago. it’s still as i remember it, more or less. they have this new eating joint there now though, called lota, serving some seriously good food. we had kathal (jackfruit, pronounced cut-hull) biryani, kerala veg stew with appams, and this delicious version of jalebi made with apples and cinnamon served with coconut rabri. even there nimbu pani (lemonade) was awesome, they’d juiced pudina (mint) in it. yum..yummmm…should definitely go there before i move again…hmmm… :)

{March 31, 2014}   just another day…

i have been traveling a lot of late. not traveling as in out vacationing, but moving around for this kaam, that kaam…yahan jaana, wahan jaana. i was in McLeod Ganj (upper dharamsala, himachal pradesh, india) a couple of days back. my first trip there was long, long back. i think 97/98; have been in love with the place since. though, like all other “tourist” places it was much less crowded back then; it’s flooded with tourists now, and all those buildings, hotels in that small place. but it’s still beautiful. and it’s really funny when tourists get together, sitting around a table, sipping their ginger-lemon-honey teas gingerly commenting how the place is soooo full of tourists now. hehehehe!!!

but i have to say, the mooooost beautiful sight in the world, is the sight of snow covered mountains. they mesmerize me. and every time i think i will go back, soon, and stay much longer, maybe take part is some meditation workshops or courses offered by the monastery. but it’s always 3-4-5 years till my next trip. and this time i did think that i will stay on for a while, since i do not work anymore, so i could. but something came up, and i had to return. sigghhhhh…

soon, hopefully…

{March 16, 2014}   just…

I started out with thinking what was wrong with me. Immediately my mind went to what all was right with me. And then, immediately again, I knew that nothing was wrong with me.

I like nipples. I find them very intriguing. They talk, kind of, communicate, with varying degrees of getting hard; like tiny, little penises. Sometimes I feel they act as a communicator/translator too. They talk to you, and they talk to the “third” party, in case there is one present. Or would that be the “second” party as you are the one, I mean the first party, to begin with. Hmmm…This first, second, third person thing has always confused me. I will google it, yet again. I have a very temp folder kinda memory. It gets deleted every now-and-then. So if there is some bit of information that I have’nt been using for some time, it just gets deleted. There is an auto feature I guess somewhere, deep down.

It’s been sometime I have kissed (properly); I am missing it now. I knew someone in Hyderabad who kissed very, technically correct. A very perfectly delivered, well executed kiss (on the mouth), tongue involved as and when required, of course, eventually. It’s an art form. Though I did not agree with them at a very fundamental level; my argument being that this (kissing) is a sort of thing one just flows into, one lets go, gives in, and not take control and strategize and manipulate action and calculate next steps; their kisses were very…enjoyable, satisfying. They sucked you in, leaving you yearning for more. At the same moment you wished to stay just there, kissing, and you wanted to move forward too…

{March 08, 2014}   An article I wrote…uh..huh..typed… :P

It’s titled ‘Girls, go get a pair…’

Am excerpt:
We all keep shouting equal rights but I am not sure if we all know what that means. It means feeling equal in your heart. It means standing up and giving your seat in the bus or train to that old man, or pregnant woman.

[Read more here...]

{March 04, 2014}   just bark at them crazy…it works…

I had a kind of a revelation the other night. I was alone wandering around an inter-state bus terminus, of a not so small Indian city, waiting for my bus. I soon noticed a man, in his late twenties or early thirties maybe, hovering around. I had noticed him earlier too, when I was walking towards the bus terminus from where the small shared auto-taxi had dropped me, crossing a very dark road along with a bunch of people gathered together to cross over to the other side of the road. He had tried to come close and whisper something in my ear; I was focusing on the road and didn’t hear, or care, what he had said.

I went and sat on a bench near where my bus was supposed to arrive and he came and perched himself on an opposite bench, a little away, seemingly talking into his mobile phone, and staring at me. As always, I wanted to avoid a confrontation, so I got up, walked around, got myself a little snack and went and sat a distance away. He came over and now sat just a couple of meters away, still talking on the phone, looking at me. I looked directly into his eyes, he seemed to start to smile and say something, but before he could, I, in a very angry, animal voice, semi-shouted at him that I am gonna break his face, in the local language. He looked a bit perplexed, got up, and started walking away. And as he did, I threw a couple more abuses and threats, something about breaking all his teeth. And I realized how it was different from other times I shouted at guys, and effective. Normally I just ask, like why are you staring? Or what did you say? This time, the slight difference of I don’t care what you did or said, I’m just gonna break your face made all the difference. And it felt good, as always. :)

As I always advice, girls, it always helps to get angry and pissed off and act accordingly. If some random asshole is being a gunda, you be a bigger gunda.

{March 03, 2014}  

bus, baithey rahey
kuchh kiya nahi
kuchh-kuchh to sochtey

aur yoonhi zindagi
barbaad hui
zindagi ko khojatey

{February 28, 2014}   Why/How I chose writing (professionally)…

I do some freelance work aajkal, for eLearning companies. One of them wanted to assess if I am capable enough. This “write-up” was part of that “test”. :)

Well, rather I should say, writing, or Instructional Design, chose me. I was in my early twenties, and having worked in some not-so-very satisfying marketing-related jobs, I took up art; painting to be specific. I had always sketched, since my very early teens. Although I had dabbled somewhat with paints, I had never really focused on it completely. And so I started initiating myself into the world of painting. I got books from the library on the basics of painting and took help from a couple of painter friends. I took up water colors and quite enjoyed myself as I saw the images in my mind, or the objects on the table, come to a colorful life on paper, and quite successfully. Yes, I decided—those were the times when I still believed that my decisions mattered in this universe—that I will be a painter, henceforth. Computers had just about started trickling into the lives of regular people. We had one at home; I started dabbling with (MS) Paint, and again, thoroughly enjoyed myself. I created a lot of digital painting around that time.

Having had no formal training in Art, or illustration-making, I started applying for entry-level positions for graphic design. As fate would have it, NIIT, a leading, rather I must say, the pioneer at those times in eLearning advertised that they were looking for some fresh meat. Merrily I went, loaded with my sketches and a jest for life, dressed shabbily and my long hair braided in two long braids on each side of my greased head. Quite an “artist” I must say, haan? Oh well, as part of a rather lengthy assessment process that took all day, they made me “create” an illustration using MS Paint, apart from a zillion other tests and some sketches. And then, for some weird reason a person came up to me and asked if I’d like to sit for a writing test too, for writers. I said yes. And the rest, as they say, is history.

To be honest, I wasn’t completely unfamiliar with (creative) writing. Along with sketching and art-work, I had been an avid writer and quite a poet, if I have to say so myself. Easier to say it now because it’s as if I am talking about someone else. Someone who had a small book (diary) full of poems by the time I had started college; handwritten. I have quite lost that now; can’t rhyme to save my life now.

Once I started as an Instructional Designer/writer, there was no looking back for me. The work satiated me at multiple levels; the projects I had the opportunity to work on, at that time, provided an outflow both to the creative artist inside of me and also to the writer. It was as if Instructional Design (writing for training/learning material) crept quietly up to me and held my hand, and I offered no resistance, and soon fell in love with it. It turned out to be a match made in heaven. :)

{February 09, 2014}   sighhhhhh…. :)

hmmm…i sooo wanna lick that lolly…slurppppp!!!

top to baseum kama sutram…


{February 05, 2014}   Sacred (animal) sex…

A couple of times I came across this poster-like image on Facebook. Preaching how (not) to have sex. It says something about “intimate energy”, “intimacy at that level”, “aural energy of the other person”, “powerful connections”, “spiritual debris”, “confused aura” … and so it goes on.

My sweet darlings, if it itches, you scratch. It is that simple. Why complicate it? Scratch when it itches, where it itches, with whatever is at hand, with whomsoever might oblige to indulge you. At the end, be thankful, and grateful, as ever, as we all should be.

It is not the act that is sacred, or “dirty”, it is the intent. Just a look, or even a touch, can be sacred, or downright filthy. If there is clarity of intent, go ahead and do it. If you love the person, of course go ahead, don’t even think about it. If it’s just lust, then again, of course go ahead, don’t even think about it. But think about the consequences. If at all there is any sort of emotional confusion, then stay put and do not participate in anything that might further complicate things. Also, do not do it if you think/feel that the other person wants it. Take a deep breath and understand what is it that you want. If you do want to, if you wish for it, desire it like crazy, and if there is no apparent danger or complication involved (physical or emotional) then please, do go ahead.

The message (as seen on FB) further talks about “…the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people…” Well, if your intent is clear, and you do not go into “it” with an agenda, then there is no confusion. Confusion comes in only if you are not sure of what you are doing, why you are doing it, and whether you want to do it or not. You might even end up miserable if you really want to do it, but don’t, just cos’ you read something silly like this on FBor some other place , or if your mommy told you not to do “bad things”. :) Do listen to your mommy though, but listen to your own heart, your judgement too. This is for people who are mature enough to judge for themselves.

Just imagine the confused aura of someone who’d get emotionally “intimate” with multiple people when all they needed was a good…ahem…physical contact.

Relax! There is nothing wrong, or bad, or spiritually harming about having sex with more people than one, as long as you do not fall in the emotional quicksand of it all. If you are positive within, you will attract positive -ness.

Having said that, it is a good thing to be cautious. You keep scratching too hard, too long, you will end up injuring yourself. Like with everything else, this too is good if done in moderation; everyone has their own limits and capacities.

And if we talk about spiritual upliftment, then of course it’s best to just ignore the/an itch. And not just this itch, or desire. Try and resist giving in to any desire, be it food, entertainment, money, cars, anything. But if you are indulging in everything else like crazy but fear just sex, then it is a bit pointless. Try it, it’s not very hard, not just sexual urges, be it any sort of itch, just relax, take a deep breath and focus, focus on love, focus on the universe, and it will go, within minutes.

It’s funny how they talk about animal sex. Poor animals. It is us humans, and not animals who indulge in sexual activity for lust. For us humans, it is mostly a recreational practice. Animals do it for procreation. It is humans who kill because they want to. Animals do it only because, and if, they need to. It is animals who understand the sacredness of it, of it all…Let’s awaken the animal in us…

As originally posted on Here to Help.

{January 29, 2014}   Stability

Stability. What it means, who defines it? You do. Like your religion (or non-), like your God, “stability” is a personal matter. Don’t let anyone else define it for you; be it your father, mother, brother, sister, or even friends. Don’t buy a house, if you don’t want to, just because your family expects you too, to satisfy themselves that you are stable. Don’t “settle down” in ways you wouldn’t want to, just so that your family will stop bothering you. Personal stability is not shown, it is not visible, not in a concrete house, not in a “good 9-5″ job; you might be very stable, even if you have been “wandering” about, as some might put it, or, you might be very unstable, even though you have been in one place (“good 9-5″ job, house, a society-defined-idea-of-a-family etc). Your stability is within you. If you are content, and satisfied within, deep-down, happy and confident about the decisions you have made, then don’t bother about what others might say to you, are saying to you. Be understanding of your family, or friend’s, show of concern and worry. Smile, hug them, and try and tell them that there’s nothing to worry about. But beyond that, know that there is nothing you can do. They will have to come to terms with it themselves. You can only do so much, do it, and then be at peace with it.

Reach for stability in the mind…not for show of stability outside…

Keep smiling!! :)

As originally posted on Here to Help.

{January 25, 2014}   teri yaad vich…

minta te scinta dee suiyaan waddan lagiyan
terey bina hai rattaan por-por mera kattan lagiyan
tennu jado chhor ke ayee see
apney supneyaan nu mein tor ke ayee see
sochya na see ek ek pal jeena bhari pe jayega
saa andar lena, fer chhadna, bimari pe jayega
sir fad ke, foot-foot ke ron nu dil karda ey hun mera
kee pata see, terey jaan naal edda, sadda sukh-chain saara girvi pe jayega


pahad ke neechey aaney par bhi, nahi tootati ye gaagar
is chhoti see gagri mein, kahin chhupa hai, merey dukhon ka prashant mahasagar


my baby, my jaan, has joined a boarding school. i miss hugging her, loving her, each moment, everyday…she is my tota…merey totey mein meri jaan. i tell her this story all the time, about this raakshas (demon-like being) who couldn’t be killed cos jis jaan (life) was in a tota (parrot) hidden far away. and i tell her that she is my tota…my jaan is in her…

{January 23, 2014}   i dream a dream…

i remember very clearly, vividly, a night long back.. once, eons back, when i was a little girl, spending a summer vacation at my grandparent’s house in a small town tucked in a busy corner of a rowdy Indian state, i had woken up in the dead of the night. i was sleeping on a cot, on the open roof of the house, i think with some other people around, cousins maybe. i just got off the bed and walked till the edge of the roof; the wall came till about my shoulders i think. and i just stood there, transfixed, looking deep into the night, thinking, rather, feeling, that my entire life is a dream, that i just dreamed. sometimes i feel that i am in that dream, that that little girl is still dreaming, sleeping soundly, and peacefully, on that open roof.

{January 18, 2014}   Disappointed in the Sancta Maria International School, Hyderabad

looking for a good school for cy has been harrowing. she was going to the sancta maria international school, in hyderabad. but after i got laid off, i didn’t wanna send her to a school that expensive.

[i was anyways losing faith; cy's grades, esp in math, had been dropping continuously since she joined this school. so much so that they did kinda accept that they had a teacher-problem at school and when cy and another kid (i think there were only about 7 kids in her class, about the only thing i really liked; apart from the lovely ex-princi who left pretty unceremoniously in the middle of everything) scored pretty low in math, and we protested, they agreed for a re-test. apparently they had hired a good teacher eventually.]

anyways, what’s been really disappointing is the fact that now they are not even giving me the transfer certificate for cy. as soon as i realized that i am not getting a decent enough job in hyd, and that maybe i didn’t wanna work at a 9-5 kinda place anymore, i communicated to the school that i will not be able to afford the school. i had already missed paying the fee for her first term. very sweetly they sent me an “invoice” of the dues (of one term; three months)…which i had just told them i am not in any position to pay, which is why i am taking her out. the amount of close to rs 1 lakh (for about three months) is a lot when i do not have a job, and have no plans of having one in the near future. all i have is some savings, that i need to save every paisa of now.

i did mail the director, mr reddy, that cyra might face difficulties in getting admission to a good school (one that i can afford) without a transfer certificate, but mr reddy, more of a businessman, than an educator, simply refused.

which is what has gone horribly wrong with most schools in Indian cities today. they are all business houses, making millions for the directors and “board-members”, not paying enough attention to an individual student’s needs for an overall, wholesome, healthy development. and all these “international” schools. charging ridiculous amounts of fees and they don’t even have a swimming pool.

i was going through another school’s website, rishi valley, and this is what i found on their website:

“New students to the school are chosen from an annual pool of applicants on the basis of character, talent, academic ability as well as parental background”

so the students they “reject” are maybe characterless, talent-less, and what they deem as academically-challenged and having not good-enough parents..??

i haven’t, honestly, found one school yet, that simply accepts a child, for being just that, a child, who needs a school. oh no, sorry, i did find one. :) that’s where cy is going now… :) their only basis for admission? that there is a child, who needs education. :) thank you God… :)

{December 23, 2013}  

Dear lord; I am getting old. As I have said multiple times here before, I had juicy tidbits of a promising post, simmering away in my mind. But as it happens a lot of late, I had been away from my (or any) computer and couldn’t put down my thoughts. And now, all thoughts are gone. All that remains is a sweet, tranquil emptiness, edged with joy and happiness.

I am in Delhi now. Had forgotten how cold the felt. Or, how amazing it is to write with a pen, on paper. Like, the words already are, and my fingers just hold, like one might hold the tiny, cute, chubby hands of a toddler, and facilitate the pen to slide on the “marked” path(s) making visible, that which was till now invisible. Just as Michelangelo had said in that book (Agony and Ecstasy) that the sculpture is there already, inside the marble slab; he just chisels it out. Or was it someone else who said that. I love writing with a good pen.

The cold, yes, the Delhi cold; it’s not as bad as I faintly remember, not yet at least. I used to wear multiple layers of woolen stuff earlier. Now, not so many, not as yet.

Having Hummus has been a disappointment, in Delhi. I love Hummus, and it such a simple thing to make; and they go wrong with that. Tut! Had it at two places; The Oberoi, Gurgaon and Café Turtle, Khan Market. Bad. Especially, Café Turtle (Khan Market), food there was overall pretty bad. It’s a very cute, cosy place though. Perfect for hangout, but not a place to spend one’s hard-earned money on food.

{December 04, 2013}   Being successful…

Being successful means different things for/to different people. For people who are deeply concerned about what others think of them, it involves doing, or being something that will outwardly and loudly say to them (the others, the “world”, or people of the world) that one is successful, or, impressing other people, like gaining material “success”, or fame etc. That is what is expected of most men, at least here in India. For people who are not concerned a lot about other people, being successful means achieving some level of a personal satisfaction and contentment. That is what is expected of women, at least here in India. That women are expected to be mostly just good daughters and then good wives, and then good mothers. Jaaney-anjaaney, women are shown, rather forced to tread upon, the path of spirituality, where it is important to do one’s duty (as a daughter, wife, or mother), deeply and devotedly, even if the father, husband, or kids are grade one a-holes, without the greed or desire of the fruits of one’s labor, or duty. Comes under the umbrella of ‘sewa’, but I think I have already talked about that.

I was talking about being successful, yes. So there are many times that I find myself in a place where I feel a need to explain that yes, I am successful, and how; when people that matter to me feel hurt, or worried about my life, or no-life. And although I would love to leave it at that, that look, I am smiling, I am happy, I am successful, so bye, I feel driven to try and explain to them how that might be correct (that I am “successful” indeed), because I wish for them to not worry and wonder.

Dear loved ones, (this) life is breath, breathing is life, each breath a miracle, each inhale and exhale a success. If you are truly living in the moment, like mommy taught you to, enjoying each moment, as it comes, and then letting it go, smiling, within, and with-out, then you are successful, each moment of the day, each day of the week…all days, of this life.

But ensure my darlings, that these smiles, these breaths of yours, are not costing anyone anything; money, pain, or any sort of emotional, material, or financial duress. Be, become, independent, emotionally, mentally, financially, and strong, spiritually. It will come, it definitely will. Trust the mother…this universe…Have faith, and be good, that is a big success. And then whatever you define or understand as success, will soon follow…

As originally published on Here to Help.