a theory got formulated (i had nothing to do with it) in my mind. the theory is, that deeply selfish people (or most of ‘em) have chronic acne problem. think of all the people you’ve met in your life. now think how many of them were/have been really, really, ridiculously, pathetically selfish. now think, did they have a chronic acne problem? if most answer yes, then it is a theory well formulated. if not, then, well, it is a singularly unique pattern related to my life and times.. :)

my li’l piece
dropped away
a part of me
that was/is
beautiful
i had turned around
for just a
silly moment
i turned back
and
“i” was all
that remained

my li’l darlin’
my sweet
prince
the king
that ruled
my dreamland
my keeper
of the
hopes
and smiles
and sunshine
my love
that made me
sway
my li’l piece
a part of me
just
fell away

arz kiya hai
na halak se neechey utrey
na thookey ban padey
is zindagi ka
aye khuda
kya karz diya hai…

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

wo jo sulgi zara
ik ishq kee chingari
hum daaman bacha ke
chupke se
nikal liye

na phoonk dee
na dehektey
rehney diye
angaarey

na huye
tum hamarey
and
hum kabhi bhi
na they
tumhaarey

hum
hum bus
tumhaarey
jism kee
garmahat
ke khayalon se
machal liye

life (doesn’t rhyme with much anything; wife, strife…)
is like a video game
so complex
at so many ‘levels’
repeated lifes (not lives)
missed(?) opportunities
when you lose
you go
oh fuck!!

you get a gun
to shoot..whatever
or a basket
to collect falling eggs
run a race
that never goes anywhere
or save a princess
only
to start all over again

you get addicted
and so
you go on playing
putting in
all you got
for just another
one more try
…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG5N3GC-m20&ob=av2e

comfort
to my hurting heart
how beautifully
your words lend
so now you see, what i’d meant?
when i’d told ya
don’t want benefits
just friends :)

i’m a strong person
never needed anyone
nor will need
a shoulder to cry on
some stupid
pillar of strength
in this crowded world
no one to lean on
no issues
but sometimes
if you take a peek in
on days like this
happy, bright, sunny, cheery
you can see me sitting
crying alone
hiding my tears
in a tissue

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0A1D26wFiA&feature=related

see?
you’re doing it again.
you’re asking me to bend.
my love
we can’t be lovers
if you can’t be my friend.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

on a different note:

we all care bout the wrong things
waste time watering the weeds
and then we cry foul
when we can’t eat the poisonous fruits
of the very trees we seed

type-set words, fade away
in a silent, lonely book
dreams, like some white mist
dissolve, dissipate, disappear
so does your image, your eyes
in the eyes of my mind
your warm, thick, glutinous presence
becomes cold, crisp, sheer

with broken, dried petals
in my hands, i sit now
thinking, wondering
reminiscing on a reverie
those times, that age, gone by
your hand, always, in mine
31/07/2011. that day, when
you were still in love with me

i got my latest (3rd) tattoo done from this place; envy tattoos and piercing, in secunderabad. came recommended via an acquaintance; had liked what the tattoo artist, sameer mehta, had done on this guy’s arm. that much i give him, the tattoos he makes are not bad, compared to some horror stories i have seen on some people here in hyderabad. what makes it worthy to be mentioned here on my blog was the way he so smoothly made me pay a bomb for something that should have cost about one-third of that. but it is easy to dupe me. ** sigh ** i am not very good that way; handling payments etc. of course, it’s rare i do my homework, and hence end up getting duped a lot. here, i paid a whopping rs 9.5K for about a 2-3 square-inch tattoo (with 3 colors).

my qualm being that he did not tell me the price before-hand; i did ask, of course. he gave me a lot of bull about how he doesn’t work like any other regular artist and does not go by measurements and all. and then, when the work was finished, very smoothly, without a single thought, he goes, that’d be 9.5K, after a discount cos i came through his cousin and stuff, his actual cost to me was some 12k. i was kinda stunned; but honestly didn’t know what to do. :( i know, stupid me. i didn’t even have all that money with me; had budgeted for something close to 5-6K, MAX. anyways, i went to the ATM and got it and gave it to him. how could i even argue, i didn’t understand the math he presented to me, at all.

and then, he went on to insist that i take my top and my bra off. he wanted to cling-wrap my “upper body”, read that boobs, for protecting the tattoo, he said. i’ve had two tattoos earlier, the guys had just covered them well with some plastic; but cling wrap my breasts to protect a tattoo close to the back of my neck? hmmm…ingenious i’d say. please note that the tattoo is just below the back of my neck, top/upper back. even earlier, before he’d started he was insisting that i get the tattoo done in front, on my “chest”. but i was insistent that i wanted it on my back. so if any girl’s reading this, and is considering getting a tattoo done from Envy tattoo, be careful girls. :) ..and settle down on the price first.

oh, and i did end with an infection too; never had this problem with any of my earlier tattoos. had to take some anti-biotics and skin creams and all.

wats wrong with me
something
else
tum ye na kehtey
wo na kehtey
mein kuchh kehti
to yoon
chup na rehtey
wats wrong with me
that you can’t right
stop looking away
far
away
you’re giving me
a fright
chaley jaogey?
.
.
.
.
i think
i don wanna
cry
let you see
these tears
in my eyes
.
.
.
go on
go away
i will
find a way
tomorrow
tomorrow
is just another day
i will
rise
and shine
i will
i can
go on
move on
ye nahi
to wohi sahi
ik nayee manzil
talaash
zaari hai

:)

mujhey
hanstey rehney ki
bimari hai
..

:))))

in these moments passing me by
like i am in a train
i get a glimpse through the window
him standing, him smiling
sometimes i hear a sound
something vague, incomprehensible
i look up, from my book
smile, and get back to it again
for i know that it’s nothing
just my mind, silly mind
very imaginative, strong, and powerful
conjuring up images, sounds
for me? for itself?
i know it’s pointless
there’s no point, dear mind
quieten down, be satisfied
be happy about, what you have
you have me. you will have me.
only me. not just now, but forever…
.
.
..and that’s not so bad.. :)

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

tigri’s gone. her little (really, really) sharp claws off my back; quite literally. :) that woman turned out to be real nice (ok, seemingly). she’s had 3-4 cats, a dog, and a parrot. she left them with her mom when she moved from her hometown; some 4-5 years back. now she’s made plans to settle here, permanently, and wants to start her brood again. :) how nice. and tigri liked her; sat in her lap and all and let her love her. they liked each other. i am glad that she took her. :) for tigri, and for myself. :)

Thank You Universe…satnam sri waheguru.. :)

i am not able to decide if i should keep the tigri, the kitten. i found a woman (through Quikr) who loves the kitten and wants it. she says she’s had three cats previously. the last one she left behind when she moved to hyderabad; i don’t know why, or where. maybe she left her cat at her parent’s place. cats anyways are loyal to the place they get used to, than people. she sounds very nice.

i don’t like making decisions. things/decisions (the right ones) come naturally to me; if they don’t, then i can’t keep pondering over stuff and reach a judicious…decision. i don’t like doing that; deciding. i like things to happen on their own. getting tigri home was not my decision. two of my friends and our kids all ganged up and pushed tigri into my home; so very conveniently. that’s another aspect pissing me off. now everyone comes and plays with her all that they want (sometimes spoiling her, which i am trying to rectify) and then leave; leaving behind me to handle/manage her. i have never been a cat person. i did/do try to love her; and i do, she is so cute. but our…well..natures don’t match. my nature matches with a dog person. a more caring, thoughtful individual, with teeth and claws not as sharp. tut! ahhhhhhhhhh….!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

:(

so much of ‘i’ of late…hmmmm….

i am not feeling good right now. i feel anger, and…well, mostly anger. maybe i am just tired, very sleepy, which i am. and then there’s this kitten we got; tigri. i am not able to satisfactorily make up my mind about her. cy is scared of her always, running around and screaming. she keeps herself shut in the room, or gets us to shut the kitten in the room. it’s becoming difficult. besides, i don’t have that settled-down thing in me. i don’t know (and i am glad that i don’t) how long i’m going to be here, in this house, this city. i don’t want this little, very tiny individual stuck to me for another 10-15 years. an individual i can’t take along on trips, vacations etc. i’d got a dog all those months back if i’d really wanted a “pet”. i don’t want a pet. deep-down somewhere in my heart i am not comfortable with this entire pet concept.

i am very comfortable with ‘friends’ concept, the lack of which is greatly paining me, esp now, when i so wish i had someone to talk to/with, like, heart-to-heart. i miss my tree friends also. if nothing else, i could just grab a tree tight in my arms and just SHOUT this all imbalance and indecision out, which i am dying to do right now.

though thank you universe, for giving me this chance, to see this…imbalance in me. this weakness, that has momentarily made me smile, :) …but i still wanna cry, let it all out.. :(

i am also annoyed due to some very annoying people around me. selfish, very selfish, extremely selfish people. read http://www.teerathyatra.com/?p=2264

i have been trying to work it out in myself. be more…ummm…accepting and tolerant and all that shit.

am sure 2012 is going to be just great. after all, it started with a SUNDAY!! yay!! :D

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

kuchh dhundley se pal
kuchh phati purani yaadein
zaldi mein kheench laye
jo haath aya
thoda bahut
bus
wohi hamney paaya..

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

jo aansoo ruk ruk ke aatey hein
dil mein hee ruk jaatey hein
ghutan ko,
muskurahat ke peechhey chhupatey hein
dil todh doon
mein phod doon
in baasi aansuon ka ghada
khaali ho ye man
ye dil, dimaag
na shor
na sannata
na tumharey aaney kee aahat
aisey hee chup see beet jayegi zindagi
jhhootey aansoon bana ke, nahi rulayegi zindagi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noLrCDzAp5M&feature=related

and :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn1VGytzXus

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

couldn’t stop myself. had to get myself a cream cheese sandwitch. and it’s 12 am. tut! had thought that i’d eat minimal this entire week; hoping to wear something nice for new years’ eve. but suddenly, when hunger strikes, nothing seems to matter.. :P i have started using this a lot.. :P the sticking-tongue-out smiley, a habit i picked up writing a zillion comments a day on FB; wonder what it might signify. maybe just a way for me to show that hey m just joking, when i might actually be not.. :P ..heeheehee!!

what i was thinking about, before i switched the computer on, again, and got myself this cream cheese (i LOOOOOOOVE cream cheese) sandwitch (do we have a ‘t’ in sandwich? hmmm… i loooooove cream, milk cream :)), was how these past 10 years seem like a lifetime. a long, long, long time. times before these (past) 10 years seems like another life. i was so not intelligent/sensible back then, not that i am much now, but the current me is definitely an improvement.

yes. it has been kinda my tag line, ‘in this world full of people who don’t give a fuck, i do’; well, i don’t anymore. i don’t give a fuck. so please, just, fuck off, and fuck your own (very sorry) selves…

ok. the (silly) smile’s gone. thought i’d tell you. :) had a crazy, crazy day at work. so, most everything’s gone.. :P phew!

and apart from the star alignment that filled the weekend with happiness and cheer, this recent emotional high was, yes, YES!! just the P of the MS. cos i can feel the low coming on now. :)

…but thank God, thank the universe that i am still smiling. it’s good to force a smile on your face sometimes. it pushes it’s way through into the heart, sometimes.. :)

would love some TLC though… ** sigh ** ..

little butterflies
so colorful
and bright
fly off
my fingertips
their wings
soft
powdery
caress my cheeks
i can feel them kissing
my skin
my ears
my eyebrows
some
my lips
little butterflies
tiny
wishes
of my heart
they flutter
about
aimlessly

thanks
for breaking
open
my heart
letting
them escape
they’re flying about
around now
in
around
familiar
territory
soon
they’ll realize
that they
are free
and fly away
like you did

my little
colorful
pretty
butterflies
tiny
wishes
of my heart

i still
can’t wipe
this silly
smile off my face
:)))))))))

o shooting star
u shot
and went
and disappeared
sputtered
so completely
entirely
all you had
disappeared
for now
forever? :)
never
to show me
your face again
but that’s alright
don’t come
or cum
ever
again
how can
i be
or feel
disappointed
or sad
or hurt
or cry
when i
can’t
rub
this smile
off my face
:))))))

ok. so this time, in the time that it took me to switch on the computer, i forgot what i was thinking about; thinking about posting here. hmmm…maybe i should invest in the samsung galaxy note afterall.. :P

last night my mind was full of very nice thoughts. thoughts i’d wanted to put up here. but i was out, and away from any tools to enable me to capture my thoughts; so i couldn’t. it was one of those crooked, non-rhyming, desperately trying to sound like a poem thingies. some musings about how strange life is; of course we all know, that it is strange, but sometimes it just hits, or rather, in my case, last night, sweetly nudges. :) places we end up in, letting the grand plan twist and turn and sway us, swing us, from this end to that, let us settle in, or, in my case, not. :)

how strangely
life works
life’s strange
incomprehensible
doings
undoings
sometimes we can
some of us can’t
make life
listen to
us
i can’t
maybe won’t
it’s just
not me
i squirm
when someone
advises
prophecises
that can be yours
you can do it
ah!
it’s just not
me
i will wait
it will
come to
me
if it has to
if not
fine
loser
am i
not a “go getter”
i don’t go
and get it
i sit tight
sipping my
lemonades
(yes, life
did hand me lemons)
watch the show
if it has to come
it will
if not
then
i better not
cry
cry foul
cos
if i really
really
wanted it
well,
go
go
go
and get…
but bah!
it’s just not me

something to that effect, to start with. but now how it went after the first coupla lines. i just remember the first couple lines. cos of the turn of events last evening. what i distincly remember last night, was being thankful. at one point in time, i couldn’t believe the amounts of stuff i had to be thankful for. i was gushing, bursting rather, and just, just wasn’t able to express my thanks enough. yeah! ok, i was a bit tipsy. :P that’s what alcohol does to me; it takes me a bit close(r) to the universe. :)

the little kitten has settle in comfortably. it’s so much like a human baby. it cries when it needs milk, jumps, scratches and bites when it is in a playful mood. and it sleeps, like a baby, when fed. :) hmmm..maybe i am not such an extreme dog-person afterall; as i’d always thought of myself as. come to think of it; i do have certain cat-like qualities. again, i can’t remember the first one i had thought of. the second one is that i too am rather, well, more into the self, what some people define as self-centered. i like my own space and my own whatever shit, like you know. though this kitten is different. like, it has the soul of a puppy. it likes human touch, likes to jump and grab hands and feet, and runs to the door when someone is at the door.

on a different note, it’s awesome getting naked under the soft, sweet light of a full moon..