hmmm…

How do I keep it simple; I have a lot of complicated shit to do. The lies are so pretty, and they so sweetly bat their pretty eyelids, they seem so true. And then when I take a deep, deep, drag in, pretending to practice Pranayam; in that true moment, with those lies, I honestly, most genuinely, breath in, keep it in, and then slowly breath out. All that thick white cloud, carrying all that is bad inside of me, out. Or so it seems, and it satisfies me. And so with a lunatic mind, I sit a present sane rationales, of all that there is, and why isn’t there, what should be.

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Vlog 2 – (Apparent, usually senseless) Dilemmas of Life

I haven’t yet figured out why the video wouldn’t play right here. Until I do, I will just keep uploading the videos here. Sorry.

Also, the voice goes off a couple of times. I was playing with the earphones plug while recording, not realising that every time I took it out, the voice went off. But it’s ok, doesn’t affect the fundamental message much. :)


ok, tried. couldn’t. exceeds size. hmmm…

 

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Vlog 1 :D

Movie on 8-4-17 at 4.46 pm #2

Ok, so I want it to play here, in this window, but it isn’t playing here, but gets downloaded. I will go find out why.

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Death, is only the beginning

Sometimes, I don’t think that wanting to kill oneself is a kind of a mental illness. Sometimes, you just wanna do what you wanna do. And people who insist that it’s an illness are just people who want to stay here, in this highly restrictive world, and who just want to impose their desire and belief on to everyone else. They are just scared of the…unknown.

On a different note, sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and think about how beautiful I am. Well, I think that all the time, as in, I do not consciously, continuously keep thinking about myself, it’s just something I have always known, or been confident about. But sometimes I feel that just a bit extra, like wow, like I look at myself and I feel that I can keep looking, for ever.

I have always had a kind of a celebrity complex; hell, I even used to give (imaginary) interviews, in my teens, walking down the street (walking my dog Suzy), pretending to be surrounded by paparazzi. :) And sometimes I feel very awkward when I am meeting a guy, for an evening out, or dinner, or date or some such, not knowing how to act normal cos’ of course I do not know how to act normal sitting right across a commoner. Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Yes, I know I have some serious problems…hmmm…heeheehee… :D

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Patience comes patiently…

I am learning patience, to be patient. It’s coming slowly, but I know that I am on the right track. I still jump and scream, cos being highly impulsive comes naturally to me, well, it is me…but I am learning to keep it under control, a bit. A bit at a time, every time. :)

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About guardian angels

My perspective.

For those who believe in guardian angels; do not depend on them; on your respective guardian angel(s). They are there. Yup! They ARE there, but only to nudge you (and they can manage only a teensy-weensy bit); not to “make things happen” for you. That you need to do on your own. You can!!

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On another note:

hey bhagwan
ye zindagi ko
kya aag laga liya
agarbatti samajh ke
phulljhadi jala liya

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… :D

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(A) Weakness getting the better of me?

Stupidity annoys me in people. I love it in dogs and puppies, but in people it annoys me crazy. So much that a lot of times I stop seeing reason and forget that the person is right after-all, based on their (current) levels of knowledge or information.

Why does it annoy me so? I have tried to analyse it. One side of the argument could be that somewhere deep down, I see myself as a pretty stupid person; and that annoys me. And when I see that behaviour, reflected in someone, an image of my own stupid self, it enrages me. So the anger is towards me, myself, not the other person, though the other person may suffer it’s ill effects.

Or maybe, simply, I am not as tolerant as I’d like myself to be. I am just not able to comprehend (accept) how stupid the other person could be.

I need to work on that more…anger issues…are still lurking in there, somewhere… :)

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it rhymes

in there
somewhere
lurks
a demon
but it’s mine
my own
myself
will i
ever kill it
?

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A prayer…

Dear Universe,

I want to live by the sea…

:)

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Another theory…

Complex (biological) organisms have complex internal structures; all sorts of cells, proteins, amino-acids, neurons, a gazillion things working together. Simpler ones have simpler bodies and other internal mechanisms. We also have single-celled life forms.

In the same way, I feel, the more complex a life, as in full of complications and problems and troubles, the more wholesome it is, for lack of a better word that is evading me right now; or more “higher”. It’s a “higher” form of life, for it’s giving us (soul) beings more opportunities to experience (different things) and learn and grow and evolve; which is why we have come here in the first place.

That’s one way to look at it.

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:)

the child that i am
the child in me
throws away
the treasure trove

nothing i want
nothing anymore
i am ready
for grown-up love

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us women…

We are all easy to cry; the women in my family. And, we are all strong. We are strong, and easy to cry women; and I am proud of us; us all. My mother, my sister, my daughter, yes, my own self too.

Here’s to all of us.

Clink!!

___________________________________________________________________________

Correction: No, not my daughter, not easy to cry.

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not a haiku

yes, life is just
her, or his own
to each

there’s so much love
around. just not any
within my reach

chalte chalte…

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the conflict

the outside
and the inside
pull
in different directions

i wait

peacefully

to be pulled apart

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A theory

I have a theory. Most smart people are skinny, but most skinny people are not smart. Most skinny people are healthy, but most healthy people are not skinny. Hmmm??

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#wish

wish i could go back to the 1800s europe and fall hopelessly in love with a tall glass of dark and deep…

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thoughts…

in the shallowness of this life, of myself, my being
i float on the surface, looking up, longingly, at the sky
not knowing, maybe knowing, but not able to, maybe not wanting to
swim, dive down, reach down to the depths
the dark, cool, solace at the deep bottom of the lake
where my true love is waiting for me

__________________________________________________________________________________

kohra
kohre mein doobi khamoshi
khamoshi mein kho jaoon mein
kuchh ordh ke
chupchap
so jaoon mein

____________________________________________

sundarta
meri aankhon kee nahi
meri atma kee
tumhey dikhi nahi
ek meetha ehsaas
jeebh tak reh jayega
kal raat
tum bhool jaogey
sundarta
tumney dekhi nahi
jaani nahi
na jaana
aur jaaney diya
pachhtaogey
nahi pachhtaogey
wo ehsaas
jiska tumhey
kabhi ehsaas nahi hua

____________________________________________

kabhi khushiyon se dar lagta thaa
cheh-chahaney kee awaz sun ke, dukh umar ayengey
par ab nahi
thoda-thoda dar ab bhi lagta hai
par ab aankhein moond, haath jod
naam le leti hoon
jo hoga
so hoga
daata himmat de

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for you, my love…

i feel feverish, a bit sick
or is it
just your absence

an emptiness
a void
a vacuum

it sucks all in
all that is good and positive

deep deep down
buries it deep within
along with your happy memories

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Examining parts of Self

I have never been able to define myself; rather, describe. I have never tried actually. I have never believed that a person, not just myself, is describable. A person is a complex thing, an entire universe within oneself. It’s too, ridiculous, inadequate, to put all that into some words.

But, having said that, if one were to ascribe a word to describe oneself, I have somehow always (maybe of late?) associated myself with ‘lazy’. Am I though? Yes, it is true that I have always preferred not to work, if it can be helped. But isn’t that any intelligent entity’s endeavour? To preserve energy. Otherwise, anytime that there has been work, that needed to be done, and if I commit myself to it, I have never been lazy about it. Highly distracted, yes, but never lazy. I remember this one time mother had asked me to clean a books cupboard, when I was a teenager, I think, and how I just picked a book and just sat there reading it, for hours. And at that time that was a usual thing for me. I always used to end up immersed into something entirely different from what I had originally started doing.

The only time that did not happen was when I was sketching, or painting. I used to do that quite a bit, growing up. I don’t, at all, now. I think I mentioned in an earlier post (on teerathyatra) how a tiny trauma once made me stop and I never picked it up again.

So yes, I am not lazy. (Disclaimer: I don’t start something unless I rally need to) I am highly distractible. Attention deficit. Hmmm. I wonder why the western world relies on medication for it, esp for children, when it can be dealt with simpler ways and means; not that I ever applied them to myself. For, as arrogant as I am, I will never really truly admit it to myself that that has ever been a real, serious problem.

Yep, I am arrogant, I think. But that could be a cultural thing. Most people belonging to Delhi are. Arrogant and very stupid. Am I stupid? Yes, at some levels, I am very stupid. But just as knowing one’s immaturities makes one mature; acknowledging and understanding that one is stupid (at certain levels) kind of nullifies it. Not doing anything about it is even more stupid, but then that’s a lot of matter for another post, maybe a thesis. :) So, I am arrogant as something that just is, like a 6th finger or something. It doesn’t really come between my loving or understanding someone, never hinders my work really. Yep, hints of arrogance, sub-consciously judgmental, just hidden somewhere there beneath the surface.

There’s immense loads of good things too, rather they overpower everything, but I am too modest to put all that up here. :D

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About my dream home…

Bagiya se sunder wo bun hoga… :)

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A mind..to make..

What is that in my mind,
on my mind,
something other
than my mind.
Impressing upon
my mind.
I want my mind back.
Do you mind?

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