the entire day is nothing but a long, sometimes short, wait for cyra to come back. and it’s not just now; i was like this even when i was working a regular job. i used to spend all day looking forward to the time when i’d go back and hold her in my arms and love her, and then maybe go out for a walk, or out somewhere, or maybe look into her schoolwork. it’s like silly love all over again; i am stupidly obsessed with the object of my desire. :) she is the sole purpose of my life, source of all happiness and joy, source of light and life. sighhh… :)
each moment that spend holding her and loving her is the happiest moment of my life. <3
i have just finished reading ‘mamas ka hans’ by amritlal nagar (pronounced naagar). really nice read; thoroughly enjoyed it. it is a fictional life-story of the great poet tulsidas. a speculative tale written in a most gripping manner. i enjoy reading in hindi.
i have now started ‘Gora’, by rabindranath tagore. the translation is not that great, but the story, so far, is good, and it has kept me glued to the book. but i can so imagine/visualise the bengali characters, speaking bangla. it makes me wish i was living in kolkata, surrounded by good-looking, deep, intelligent dhoti-clad men. yum… :) i love guys in dhoti kurtas, cottons… :)
We got it all wrong. In our arrogance, of course we claimed ourselves to be the superior species; all other animals, insects and the like are inferior. That we have a right to kill and maim and torture them, the other species, in the name of food, or entertainment, or even for no reason at all. Imagine, crabs are boiled alive. Why? So they taste good. I can’t even imagine.
Some of those who believe in incarnations believe that human life is the last and the toughest to get to and is achieved only after “suffering” as other animals and birds and insects and various other species. All bull I say. We, the humans suffer the most, consciously, sub(un)consiously. Animals are the truly enlightened. They don’t “think”, they just naturally flow. Nature, the “uni”verse, God, has made it easy for them. They do, just what they need to. It’s us, the cursed race, who are given a “think-pot” and enough stupidity to last a life-time. :)
As originally posted on Here to Help.
my life is an open book. and all its pages are empty.
i love coconut trees. i can spend all day, all the time, forever, just looking at them, lying down, or sitting somewhere. that was the one thing i loved about where we lived in auroville (a little north of pondicherry); the mud road to our home was lined with coconut trees. so tall, their shiny leaves always coochie-cooing with the breeze. maybe i was a bird that lived in a coconut tree once, cos i love heights too. and they are so, so tall; the coconut trees.
and i love tender green coconuts, drinking their water, sometimes munching on the white “cream”. and i love dishes made with coconut milk or dry-cooked veggies with grated coconut. and i just love coconut oil that i sometimes use as a moisturiser. coconut, you are so good. :)
i am a coward. yes, a pathetic, sad nothing. i wouldn’t be in a lot of situations i have found myself in, over the years, if i hadn’t been a coward. i have always feared conflict, and men shouting. i remember, at a small workshop, in this new job i had joined, the session conductor started shouting at some people; i felt like crying. it could be because of my dad shouting at me when i was a kid; maybe that left an indelible mark.
and now, a lot of times i find myself in very uncomfortable situations just cos i do not like direct conflict situations. i am so averse to it, that i almost never sit across the table with anyone, in a restaurant, i always sit at their side, with them.
the five years at oracle also made me lazy. i have to admit that career-wise oracle has been a very bad stint. i learned nothing, didn’t work on anything major, did not get a raise for those five yrs (none of us did) thereby freezing my earnings at a low that should’ve been higher by now, and wasted away five precious years of my working life. most pro-active people who had joined our team left within the first 2 yrs, as soon as they got good opportunities. i wish i had been that foreseeing. i said no to an opportunity at a good place after my first annual review which was pretty good and came with (empty) promises of team expansion and getting more and better work. nothing happened down the line. team size actually reduced and work/projects became less and less.
a part of me is glad that it happened; cos like so many fellow writers and “creative” folk i know, i too had been thinking about and talking of getting out of the rat-race. be on my own, do something that satisfied me inside. but i never really did it, and i am not sure if i had done it, had it not been for the lay-offs. so i guess overall i am not too peeved, or peeved at all rather. a part of me stuck to the sucky role at oracle because i guess deep-down that is what i wanted; to not do anything, for a corporation i mean. getting back home by 4 and working on myself, my own art, and spending precious, invaluable time with my daughter; it has been worth it. :) and then experiencing auroville; it was amazing. and then the trips to amritsar, chilling in delhi. it seems like life took a slow karvat (turn, in sleep) and is still doing it, stretching, smiling, feeling the tension being released.
now if only i was a bit more fearless and able to extract myself out of a tricky situation… :)
a new word for ‘God’. Potential. we all have it, but just don’t (or not able to) tap into it…
i am a lot like my father. i am, my father’s daughter. i did not know that as i was growing up. i realised it, gradually, as and how i started spending more and more time with him, in recent years. and now i want to live with him more; with both of them, my father, and my mother. i missed that growing up, for no fault of anyone’s. little things you get to see of a person, when you actually live with them, for than 15-20 days at a stretch. like this one time, when we were crowded around my mother as she was peeling apple slices, and we both, my father and i, reached for the apple peels, hungrily; and then we both looked at each other, with the shine of a new-found fondness in both of our eyes and we both smiled and munched on the apply peels. or the way, i realised, i snapped at my daughter at the slightest of provocation, exactly the way my father does. i caught that early on and keep it in check. i lose my temper less and less now; nothing like how i used to when i was younger. and then, how we both love kids, my father and i. how we are so patient with people we love, but lose it with someone we don’t really care about; that too has considerably improved in me of late, and i am trying to encourage father also to modify some of that behaviour. how we both can’t hold alcohol well, but would keep on, just cos we are so loving the company of our friends and will do anything to stretch that moment. how we both love to spend money and party, well, not so much now. how we both started out as poets and writers that showed potential, and just got lost, somewhere along the way.
in all probability, the idea of finding ‘the one’, as in a life partner, started with the idea of “joining” with “the one”. the ultimate light and energy source (which is everywhere) and being one with it. and then a handful of them, who wanted more material things in life, extended it to having one in life that completes, or helps complete, one’s life purposes. taking it out from within, and placing it out, by the side.
on a different note, it’s lagan we need to achieve every(any)thing; but sadly we end up treating most tasks as lagaan.
i feel a lot better now. the knee swelling hasn’t healed, but i can move around now; walk even. sadly, the day i feel better, i go out for long walks, which makes it worse and i am a square one again. :) i looooove long walks. :) i hope and pray that i can start walking around better soon.
these yoga classes i have started (with the same person i was doing yoga with about 10 yrs ago) are helping some. i guess just the routine of going there and stretching all joints makes a lot of difference.
What is God? God, is Love. You find love and you find God. Find love, not in someone else, but within yourself. God is not an entity, she/he/it is an energy, a feeling, an experience that is contained within each entity, as love. And the day you start FEELING LOVE for all and everyone, everything, you’d have found, felt, God. :) …and you’d have found the simplest, strongest bridge that connects all–a smile… :)
As originally posted on Here to Help.
no, no my darlings. i am still around, though only physically. my mind is all scattered about. will be back, hopefully soon, as soon as i can gather some… :)
bound to my destiny
i was never really free
but i braved the storms
enjoyed the breeze
a tiny leaf, stuck to the tree
Had a really good trainer at my first job with NIIT, and like a lot of good things that NIIT lost around those times (me included) due to lack of appreciation of each individual employee (that’s where my aversion of HR started), he was gone too, before I could learn more from him. I/we learned a lot in the time that he was there.
The most valuable lesson/habit that I picked from him and still practice, is that treat everyone as your “esteemed” client. Even if you are not in client servicing, even if you are talking to your mom, or brother, or any random person; give them your complete attention and respect. Humility, respect, and “listen”; the best ways to keep not just clients but everyone (most people) happy. I wonder if any of my old colleagues at NIIT remember that dadi-wala HR/trainer guy. He was with us on that 2-3 days retreat in that resort-like place about 1-2 hrs outside of Delhi. What was his name? He was good, if I remember correctly.
That said, when you are calling someone who is not friend or family, please start with stating your name. Definitely not, “Who’s this?” If you wanna know who it is, say “Hi, I am xyz, may I know who I am talking with?” Afterall, it is you, who has called them.
during cold nights when i am all alone, and far away from everything, even myself..
i really wish, sometimes, that life wouldn’t go on. that we could all live in our happiest phases, forever. that it’d just stop, time, not moments, but certain years, or months even, and that’s how they’d stay. mom and dad never get old. didi never gets married and goes away, or veer. suzie never dies. and i still play in the wet mud in that beautiful, shaded back yard, all afternoon. forever.
stupid, pointless existence. i never wanted any part of it anyways. ever.
into a dark moment
thick and viscous
for a brief moment
and then come out
the other end
Last evening I was watching a BBC documentary about a group called EDL; English Defence League. No, they are not a football team, like I had thought and downloaded it thinking about feasting my eyes on a bunch of good-looking English football players. They are a group protesting the effects, yes, the keyword here is effects, of the growing presence of Muslims in their country. And it was strange and sad to see that they are easily misunderstood, unfortunately mostly due to their own lack of working towards creating an intelligent and a more acceptable (by whose standards though) image. They have generated the image of being violent and racists, which after watching the documentary, becomes clear that most (or many) of them ar not. Like one of the members comments, even muslims are welcome to join the group if they wish. They are just protesting the seemingly ill-effects of a community that is spreading fast among them, and not just spreading but imposing their own set of values and rules. For example, they showed a video recording (and I have see this before) of a Muslim patrol shoving people off, asking them to not smoke, or walk around and about their neighborhood, esp around the mosque, the public road outside the mosque. And the woman in the video is saying this is great britain, and the muslim guy is saying not so great britain. As a British citizen, being told what I can and cannot do in my own country, of course I am going to “act-out” against it. Now I will try and NOT use the word “offended” throughout the post as many people now-a-days get offended by it. :)
This made me think about my own belief in having one law for all, in a country. For one, in a single country, it won’t make logical sense; for example, what if 10 different communities turn up and start insisting on a separate legal system for each. Now if we are accepting the laws of one, we should, and would, accept those of other nine too. It could result in mayhem; and a lot of confusion. Cos’ the life-in-a-day of a person belonging to one community, could be a human rights violation, or some other violation of a member of some other community. Think of it as your home community. You know, a nice block of a few houses who live happily and harmoniously. And then there is this other family, or group, that likes the way you are living and want to be a part of it, and they ask if they can join. Of course, you welcome them heartily and try your best to settle them down ensuring that they are comfortable. And then within days, or weeks, they start making changes, or asking you to make changes, in your own community, or block, the way you live and do things. Now since they are now part of the community, it is alright, and of course logical to accommodate accordingly and learn new ways, their ways of doing things too. But when you start to notice that they are not just as open, accepting, or even tolerant of your ways, but just want to impose their ways on your ways, then of course there is going to be a problem. Of course, aggression is not going to help. What will help, is firmness, and a belief in yourself, and the way you wish to be, and the clarity about who you truly are, and what the community (or society) that you were to start with is all about. Sadly, at lest in India that clarity is not there anymore. With people feeling ashamed or embarrassed to converse with each other in their regional or mother tongue (a lot of the younger lot doesn’t even their mother tongues; it’s unfortunate), of course we are not at all clear about our heritage, where we come from, our history, our strength, and yes weaknesses, correcting which makes us even stronger. We have lost our identities; or maybe they were never strong enough to start with. The reason why we got taken over by many in the past.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am all for diversity and embracing all. But when it comes to chalking out guidelines for “a” society, certain things need to be followed, firmly, for the sanity and health of that society and all therein. I am an open and accepting person; hell, I didn’t even mind when once during and India-Pakistan cricket match the people across the road (the muslim community that lives across from where I lived in Delhi at that time) were shouting Pakistan Zindabad and rooting for Pakistan’s team. It’s a silly game, one can root for whichever team one wants. But I will stop and react the moment I hear India hai-hai…That does not make me a Nationalist, or extremist; it just makes me a person who loves her country.
i miss talking. to someone, anyone. maybe not a one in particular, cos then one’ll have to suffer that one all the time(s). friends would be nice. :) hopefully, i’ll have some soon. :)
I made a “friend” last night. this cute li’l black cat. i heard her meowing a couple of days back but didn’t open the door cos i thought once in, it’ll be difficult getting her (or him) out. but last evening i couldn’t resist her meowing right at my door and i opened it. as curious as any cat she (or he) looked around all over the room and climbed all the tops and then came and settled on my lap. so cute. and she wouldn’t move. she (or he) just wanted to sit in my lap. eventually, when i laid down for the night, she (or he) made herself (or himself) comfortable settled right next to my thigh but within half n hr or so started meowing to be let out. and i did… :)
i had planned on moving to mumbai, before coming here. and just when i had comfortably settled with the idea, i got a call from this school (i had applied months back and not having heard anything had kinda forgotten about it). and now here i am. hmmm…going to mumbai would mean spending all that money on a good school. i am not such a great fan of schools anyways and wanted to homeschool her since always. spending rs 8-10 lacs per annum on a school is beyond ridiculous, for someone like me for whom this is a H-U-G-E amount.
I was thinking last night, about the possibility of why i haven’t met a “someone” in my life. (though that could be largely due to the fact that i do not believe that one needs a someone, that’s just an emotional dependency one seeks to fulfill; or maybe since i never met someone so i believe.) it’s because i am lost myself. :) the day i find myself, i would most definitely find the other piece of the puzzle too. just that, as of now, as always, i am just fine being lost, just floating around, not doing anything, not wanting to do anything, but just dream, and day-dream… :)
…wondering if i should just move to mumbai…there’re many good schools there too. of course, the “hilly” beautiful experience will go out of growing up for my darling Cy, but mumbai is fun too… :)
This post was triggered by a comment on a social media platform; something to the effect that they had complete faith in modern medicine. I think the discussion was about something to do with alternative medicines and other methods of healing. Well, as someone who depended on “modern” meds for years (yours truly), to keep at bay an autoimmune, deformative disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis), I would like to say that I got to witness the full-blown effects (negative) of prescribed “modern” medicine that, I now know, is nothing but harmful chemicals that though they provided immediate relief, cause long-term harm to the body. I knowingly started taking immuno-suppresents (as apparently, according to “modern” doctors, there is no other way around it), after I got a little adventurous and thought of trying out something different. I had been on homeopathic meds for years, and my RA was under control but I still wasn’t able to do activities like run etc.
Now many people think of homeopathy as something that renders a placebo effect. Keeping a dangerous and degenerative disease like rheumatoid arthritis at bay cannot be placebo. Although, hypothetically speaking, if a placebo effect can help manage dangerous and harmful disease without having to consume tons of chemicals that will alter something in my system, I am all for it; the placebo effect. After all, what is wrong if a belief, a faith can, and does, help and heals you? Though that is not what it is. Not just me, homeopathy helped my daughter with this skin infection she got and no modern meds could cure her of it. After living with it for close to a year, she started on the homeopathy pills, and she was cured within weeks. But that’s another story. And yes, a lot of times it doesn’t have such immediate effects. It is not an exact thing. One has to keep trying different combinations of various salts and such.
Anyways, I had recently moved to Mumbai and as a single parent I thought it’d be nice to give some “modern” meds a go and see if they make me more active. I started consulting a very sweet Dr at the Hinduja hospital. When I told her about the homeopathy pills, she seemed shocked and said that I should keep away from such quacks. I tried to tell her that these pills had kept my RA at bay for years, but she just wouldn’t listen. Most doctors of “modern” medicine, I see, are way too closed and not at all open to newer, alternative ways of healing and health. Sad! Not too modern…
The high dosage of iron turned my shit black, and the other pills used to ruin most weekends. One of the meds causes nausea so the doctors advise that one takes it on weekends. It was that, that eventually made me give it all up. Initially, of course, it made me feel good; chemicals have that effect on you, which made me stick to it for a while. But within a couple of years, my stamina went down (I am a serious walker), my tummy became sensitive, alcohol made me sick (I went off it, completely, one good result of the meds), and eventually, I started spending Sundays getting nausaes like hell. My Dr warned me that if I get off these medicines now, I’d be wheelchair-bound within 1-2 years. Like Diabetics, I’d have to depend on these meds, for life. I started reading up on RA and other alternative health stuff, esp on the medicines that I was taking. The current prescribed meds for RA, anywhere in the world, are immuno-suppresents. They suppress one’s immune system; the system that helps you keep all disease and ailment and bay. RA is a disease wherein the white blood cells go a bit crazy and start attacking the own body’s tissue, causing internal tissue damage, resulting is some major swellings in joints and eventual deformation. Ah yes, and pain, it is V-E-R-Y painful. At times it feels like every damn pore on your body is screaming with pain. So what do you do? Well, kill the immune system. I think whoever thought of that was not a genius.
My body got so, so wary of these pills that I (clearly) remember once buying them in bulk, and when I held them in my hand, I got nauseous (could that be placebo? Hmmm..). By that time, I had read enough, and my body was yelling to make a new start anyways. I had earlier felt a lot of relief taking Yoga classes with this amazing teacher in Mumbai, Jehangir (have to remember to look him up if I am ever in Mumbai again to live) and taking certain food items he had advised (there were 3-4 things, I only remember black raisins). I stopped taking my meds, gradually. I self-medicated, trying out hajaar different things, foods, soups, veggies (moong daal soup turned out to be mannah), started working out regularly, which was of great help, and eventually completely stopped the meds. It took less than a year or so. And I did not start homeopathy again, as it did not want any dependency, but good food and home, natural, remedies. I also breathwork that gave me amazing results and Reiki, which needs a lot of time and effort. :)
Yes, yes, that is what this all is leading too. Good food. Greens, veggies, fruits, smoothies, salads, soups, whole-grain shit. Sticking to natural things, and good exercise regime. All of it helps. Good ol’ home remedies. Today, whatever aches and pains I still have, I know that they’re there entirely due to my laziness and (current) lack of discipline. When I am up and about, it’s all good. And of course, I’d have to stick to this “regime” for life too, but this one I don’t mind.
Another example, different than mine, my daughter never saw the doctor for the regular cold and flu the year I started her on an orange first thing in the morning during the winter months. Thankfully, she likes oranges so she took to it without much fuss. Of course she’s bored of it now and doesn’t listen to me the way I wish she would, so we are not disciplined about that anymore. But still we cure colds and coughs the old, simple way. Honey and ginger juice for cough, for example; I notice most people don’t take it like they should. Like medicine, it needs to be taken every 3-4 hrs for 1-2 days. I normally keep the mix in a small glass bottle. I have never taken a pill for it.
I once had a bad swelling way back in the jaw, wisdom-tooth-gum area. Hurt like crazy; the Dr prescribed anti-biotics and pain-killers. I thought I’d give my mom’s remedy a try before getting anti-biotics the next day. Mixed 1:1:1 of mustard oil, turmeric powder, and salt, and put it generously on the swelling; spat out whatever oozed out of my mouth and went to sleep. By the morning, the swelling had reduced and so had the pain. It was all completely gone by the 3rd morning of the nightly application.
I have had bad acne problem since forever as I have some pretty oily parts on my face. My sis-in-law had once advised on the goodness of orange peels for the skin (Orange is a God’s gift to our body, besides coconut oil). And that’s what I tried; 1:1 of besan and orange peel powder (home-made), mixed with some curd, rubbed on the face twice a day, and lo-and-behold, all breakouts gone; the problematic chin area was clear after years. Of course I still get a big one (or a couple small ones) once a month, but that’s another cyclic thing. It’s been a long, long time, and I haven’t used any kind of a facewash, or cream. I wash my face with this mixture and moisturize with aloe-vera gel (real gel, not store-bought).
Nature is abundant with things that cure and help heal and stay heal-thy. Besides, truly “modern” medicine is one that is open to anything that helps, that truly can help, and employs a more wholesome, holistic approach to health and upkeep. Keep smiling. :)
As originally posted on Here to Help.
i am very uncomfortable right now. physically uncomfortable. i am cold and uncomfortable. i had known, before coming here, that the climate here is cooler than the plains; i had not imagined it to be this cold, and at this time of the year. i had never thought i’d say this, but here i am saying it, i am missing dilli, i am missing dilli kee garmi. the universe has this way of making me eat my words. cos not a few years back i had in the same tone declared, i could never like dilli; i just can’t imagine going back to dilli and living there. the very thought horrified me. and now i am missing it; well, not dilli actually, i am missing home, my mommy’s home, where i was so comfortable and happy just a few weeks back. and now here i am, cold, alone, and missing dilli. i had said the same thing about mumbai too, decades ago, after visiting it for a day, maybe two. i hadn’t liked the city at all and could never imagine going there to live. and live i did, in mumbai, and it is now one of my fav places in the world. as a matter of fact, i was planning on moving there recently. and then i had thought that there’s no way i could move to and live in any city in south india. and lo and behold i got that job in hyderabad, with Oracle, which eventually screwed up any semblance of a career i might have had in life, and i had an amazing five years there, in a south indian city. :)
anyways, i am here because of an employment. an employment which is providing for a muchhhhh subsidized education of my darling daughter, in one of the best schools in asia. and i only hope to God that i get used to this cold; which people here call “pleasant” strolling about in tees and cotton shirts, while i am brrrrrrring in a thick sweat shirt. anyone who knows anything about me knows that i am not at all a cold-climate person. i don’t like cold, i can’t take cold. and here i am, so cold. i hope and pray that my aching joints become stronger (my arthritis is acting up and my knee has been swelling up), and my weakling of a body is tired of shivering soon and learns to relax and enjoy the cold slaps of the strong evening breeze. it’s beautiful here, but a beauty hard to notice when the fingers are painfully frozen and the joints are hurting. hopefully, some day when cy is well settled and happy here and might not miss me much, i will encounter angels in the tall jungle pines who will take me up, up high into the skies, into even colder winds, where i will freeze solid and then break into a gazillion tiny pieces, falling on the earth as snow flakes rendering it beautiful and cold.
M had posted on FB about how it is nice and comfortable in the comfort zone. today, i soooo agree. i am missing mine; terribly. so much that i wanna just quietly get up run away, back to where i was so comfortable. sighhhh…
…and just for the record, i really wouldn’t mind enrique saying that to me…ever…
…you know my motivation… :)
Are you happy, with your sex life, in your marriage? I have been married for a tiny amount of time, miniscule, so I am not a good judge, or even an advocate here. What I have, is purely a set of (my personal) opinions and theories and beliefs. For one, yes, this was my one big fear, when I was married, yes, for the tiny amount of time, whether I’d be able to stick to one. I mean a lifetime is a long, long time. Fate intervened, fortunately or un-, and I never had to strangle the life out of my more base desires. Since then I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of couples; more not-happy with the entire sex-with-only-one-person deal than happy. Some openly, some secretly, some swearing by the deal and their vows but having a little extra here-and-there anyways; and not just men, as is the popular belief.
So is it then just our upbringing that stops us? Our values, traditions, the things that we grew up with, that our parents and aunties and uncles and grandparents taught us; wall-in your desires. And we do our best to keep up the defenses, mending a crack here, a hole there. But desires, it seems, like anything that is natural, burst forth, and like a tiny tendril that shoots out of a concrete slab when endowed by nature with life, it becomes nearly impossible to suppress when the cobra of lust raises its hood.
Since forever everyone (almost) has been saying that marriage is not all about sex. And of course that’s true. It is much, much more and goes way beyond that which is just one aspect of it. A big aspect, in a lot of cases, but yet an(other) aspect, among many others. Then why does everything comes tumbling apart at the smallest hint of sexual indiscretion? No, it’s not about “honesty”, or “trust” like a lot of ‘em claim, cos’ I have witnessed a hajaar other lies, all forgiven—I mean hell is raised, but it never breaks the marriage—but even a tiniest hint of an extra-marital “affair”, and people are ready to opt out. Why? That sounds like double-standards, hypocrisy even.
I am certainly not advocating casual sexual relationships with every other person you meet, every other Saturday night out; please don’t get me wrong. If that is happening then there is a possibility that something might not be right at a very fundamental level with the relationship. Though I do know of such couples too who are in “open” relationships and seem happy; content with their lives, their respective relationships and marriages.
I am talking about being open, to the possibility, and not getting all crushed and broken if/when it does happen. To take it as a natural something that happens with people. To accept it, even though you might not understand it. To go on loving, cos’ yes, after all, you beautiful marriage, or relationship, is much, much more than mere coitus. It is a companionship, a coming together of two souls, two lives that add value to each other at so many levels, besides providing physical pleasure.
Then could it be the secret to a good marriage, a loving, lasting, healthy relationship?
i am very fickle minded. always have been. like a pendulum, i sway. :) swing, swing, swing… :D